October 16, 2009

• Questions with the Godfather and his Cock

  This didn't get posted last night because I wasn't feeling the best.  OK maybe it wasn't only that but either way you will like this.

  Me: Hey Cocky, as you know I went to the doctor this afternoon.
  Cocky: Yes, you really gave that desk clerk hell.
  Me: Well she shouldn't have been so rude or known my medical history without me telling her my name.
  Cocky: Your photo was posted in the office.
  Me: What about the Hippocratic oath?
  Cocky: Better yet what about the Christian ideal of helping your fellow man when he or she is in trouble?
  Me: It is a Catholic owned and operated hospital system and I always thought the nuns loved me.
  Cocky: You were one of the few people they didn't beat with their rulers.
  Me: I am just so livid.
  Cocky: Well I think that H1N1 is fitting for you.
  Me: Why is that?
  Cocky:  Well look at some of your choices in girlfriends in the past.
  Me: What?
  Cocky: You know...pigs.
  Me: Shut up, Cocky.
  Cocky: Please don't choke me!
  Me: Don't worry all the medicine I'm taking now to prevent this from progressing has sapped me of my strength to choke you.
  Cocky: Not even those blue pills can help you.
  Me: And now a word from our sponsor.

  
  

  

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  Me: Cocky, are you ready?
  Cocky: Yeah, I'm cocked, locked, and ready to unload my knowledge amongst other things.

  

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  The baseball postseason is upon us.  So far what has been your most memorable moment?
                                            Baseball Fan in Bayfield
  Me: Well Cocky and I have been depressed because both the teams we picked and support were eliminated in the first round via a sweep.  I can tell you the most disgusting memory I have is when the Angels clinched the American League West division.  They took out a jersey of pitcher Nick Adenhart and poured beer all over it.
  Cocky: What's wrong with that?  Is your liberal propaganda machine telling you that beer is bad now?
  Me: Nick Adenhart was killed after his first start of the season by a drunk driver.
  Cocky: Yeah I have nothing Captain Bringdown.  I was going to say the most memorable thing is that it looks like the Yankees sign-up sheet at the All-Star game is finally paying off but no...you have to ruin everything.
  Me: Don't you find it a bit tasteless?
  Cocky: Although us cocks have tongues, they are small and lack taste buds.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I am a bit of a bind.  I need money ASAP.  Do you have any tips on how to get some fast cash?
                                           Needy in Neenah
  Me: Well one thing I have learned that when you are desperate it is nearly impossible to make quick cash.  If the bind is overwhelming you may want to find your nearest casino and play roulette.  There are a variety of ways to play and quickly learned strategies but if you do play, you have to learn when to quit.
  Cocky: Don't listen to him!  He plays the easy game and doesn't have the balls to play the numbers.  He plays the colors.  He puts $5 on black or red and sure it doubles his money but it takes forever.
  Me: Cocky, it's the safest bet in a casino and has the greatest chance of victory.  Need I remind you that I have only lost one time when I played roulette.
  Cocky: That's because you chicken out and quit after you win 5 or 6 spins.
  Me: Maybe I should tell him to find his nearest game of chicken roulette.
  Cocky: YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER MENTION THAT!
  Me: Did I?  Many of you probably haven't heard of how I met Cocky.  I rescued him.  He was being used in a game of chicken roulette behind a barn that was converted into a bar.  Why don't you tell them how it was played?
  Cocky:  They put me in a 10ft by 10ft pen.  The floor was divided into squares with numbers painted on.  People placed bets as to which square my poop would land.  It was the lowest point of my life.  Sure I was fed a lot of great chili but I never saw one cent.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I just want to begin by saying how awesome you guys are...YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!  I have a perplexing predicament.  I am the most intelligent person in my high school class...nay, my entire high school.  There is this boy in my homeroom that I think is very handsome and I would like to converse with him over cappuccinos or espressos.  Here's the crux of the matter: from my investigation, he only dates girls that are for lack of a better word, airheads.  He has made eyes at me in homeroom so I think he is interested.  Should I make myself appear to be a dullard so that I stand a chance of dating him?
                                           Know-it-All in Nekoosa
  Me: Never hide your brainpower.  It is who you are and if you purposely act dumb, you are not being true to yourself and you are also lying to the boy.  Relationships built on lies can't last.  Well they can but only on TV.
  Cocky:  You go up to Cute Johnny and you tell him, "Me, you, cappuccino, 4p.m." If Johnny Football-star doesn't show up then the next time you see him you have two options: show him incredible math problems that are so impossible to solve that his mind can't handle it and his brain explodes OR you punch him in the throat and grab the closest guy to him and give him a long kiss as Johnny Bravo writhes in pain.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  A few months ago I ended a several years long relationship.  I have been dating a new guy and he is wonderful, some may say he is the bee's knees.  We've been seeing each other, but he questions how ready I am for a new relationship, and obviously wants my thoughts to be on him, not the last guy.  Is there something I can do to assure him?
                                           Confused in Coloma
  Me: He chose someone who is just months out of living with a serious boyfriend. He can't make that go away.  Any effort you make to appear unburdened will be just that, an appearance.  Please stop assuring him you're ready. For starters, you probably aren't. And, this new relationship will either survive on its own merits, or it won't. You can't assure him of something you don't even know yet.
  Cocky: Well here's the thing....ugh...um...damn, I have nothing...wait...if you want relationship advice how about you stop by the old coop and I can give you some one on one counseling. 

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  My daughter just turned 6, she is not a bed-wetter, but she did get up in the middle of the night to urinate in her closet.  Her dad and uncle both sleepwalked when they were small. Is this something I should be concerned about?
                                           Sleepy in Sleepy Eye
  Me: This may not be something to be overly concerned with.  It just may be an isolated incident.  The overall thing you want to focus on is your daughter's safety.  One thing that you may want to investigate is the stress level of your daughter.  Did she lose a friend?  Did she start a new school?  Has anything changed from her usual routine?  Look into those and make sure she is safe.
  Cocky: Lady you are asking the expert on doing strange things in his sleep.
  Me: What do you mean?
  Cocky: Oh you forgot that incident in college where you urinated all over your dorm neighbor's refrigerator?
  Me: In my defense, I was drunk.
  Cocky: Oh yeah...what about sleepturbating?
  Me: OK I don't see what that has to do with anything.  The mother should be concerned about her daughter's safety.
  Cocky: And what about your safety?  You could be blinded by your sleeping activities.

  Disclaimer: I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

  

  If you have a question for Cocky and myself, drop me an email here or send one to Cocky's email: advicewithcocky at gmail.com  SEND QUESTIONS PLEASE!
  

  • 4:54 PM
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