October 31, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 10/30 Devil's Night

  Yes it is Devil's Night and that means well I don't think it means absolutely anything although I would expect given the economic climate that Detroit may burn.  Some images may not be safe work or safe for life.

  
  Taylor Swift was at Katy Perry's birthday party(more on that later).  The party had an interesting theme.  Everyone was to wear all white so that later on paints could be used and guests could paint all over each other.  Well Taylor and her friend painted that failure of a t-shirt.  Either she is trying to shed her good girl image or she is letting her true colors shine.  I hear there is a hidden track on the re-release of her album.  It is Taylor repetitively saying, "Es Ist Zeit zu säubern! Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! Es ist Zeit für Rache! Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!"  Hmm I guess her record label wants her to tap into that lucrative white supremacist market.  I hear her next album is going to be all about abortion.
  
  Suri Cruise was spotted running through the aisles of a JoAnn Fabrics in Boston this week.  She is just so glam.  It looks like every day is Halloween for Suri.
  
  Morrissey collapsed on stage this week.  He didn't look healthy before the show began but being the professional he is he said the show must go on.  During a song he fell over and then was rushed to the hospital.  He was later released and nothing was revealed about his condition.  Hopefully he is OK.  Send some positive thoughts his way.
  
  Remember a while back when I let you know that there was a Twilight inspired dildo on the market?  Well now there are two new products for boys.
  
  One is called Count Cockula and the other is called Succu-Dry.  The first one is marketed for boys that like vampire boys and the other is for boys that like vampire girls.  This is the product description of the Count Cockula: "Polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the living dead."  Now I am all for sex toys and I may be interested except for the teeth and in the descriptions they also talk about fang like sensations inside the toy.  Umm...teeth are scary in that area.
  
  Another Twilight product is soon hitting the stores.  The Twilight underwear.  I guess they are unisex.  They have one of the vampire's faces on the front and of course a vampire's mouth in a very sensitive area on the inside of the underwear.  OK I really can't make a blood joke here.  Oh why would girls want to spend money to have his face on their underwear when I could...oh never mind.
  
  Jamie Lee Curtis threw a Halloween party this week and she went as Mother Nature.  Come on, Jamie Lee, you went as Mother Nature.  You should have been nude or at least showing more skin.  After all the Halloween movies made you famous and you were naked in the first...so I'm just saying.
  
  Noah Cyrus went to Jamie Lee's Halloween party.  Remember she is 9 years-old and this is apparently what 9 year-olds wear for costumes these days.  What is she supposed to be?  My best bet is that she is supposed to be a contestant on one of Bret Michaels' reality dating shows.  Where is Chris Hansen when you need him?  Oh that Cyrus family...but it only gets worse.
  
  I heard rumors that Miley Cyrus was going to be performing at a nearby location called Cruisin' Chubbys and I think this is a photo from her performance.  She's doing this and wearing that as a 16 year old.  What's she going to be like at 20?  Poll results from a recent AOL poll showed that Miley Cyrus is the worst celebrity influence on children.  Now, the kicker is who the people were that took the poll....KIDS!  Finally some kids out there are waking up.  Oh and I had to verify the performance, it was at the United Center and not a strip club, my bad.
  
  It looks like Mickey Rourke was celebrating Halloween to the extreme.  I think he fell face first into a pile of cocaine or he fell asleep on one of Lindsay Lohan's pillows...wait, those are the same.
  
  This Lil' Wayne cake was given by Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger to their daughter Ireland.  If that is supposed to be the real Lil' Wayne then I would suggest you not lick the cream because you may wind up pregnant or high on sizzurp.
  
  This was recently posted on Levi Johnston's Twitter.  This was his announcement that he was going full monty for Playgirl.  I think by using caps lock on the word "wang" he is trying to overcompensate and that he is actually hung like Lady Gaga.  The funny thing about his nude pictures is that they are rumored to be released on the day Sarah Palin's interview with Oprah is broadcast.  Oh and I know a few of you want to know the answer to the $35,000 question.  Yes, I would pose nude for $35,000 so if any of you want to raise the money, I'll just wait for the check to clear before they get posted.  I would also need a photographer because whenever I try, I lose my balance.
  
  For the last two years Lindsay Lohan was banned from a New York City nightclub because she apparently was going around telling people that Justin Timberlake was cheating on Jessica Biel with someone inside the club when he visited.  Well this week the club lifted the ban.  The club was being affected by the recession so they figured to bring back Lindsay because wherever Lindsay Lohan parties booze profits skyrocket.  Another reason why Lindsay is good for the economy is that she creates jobs.  It's more than just security jobs that are created.  She also creates hand jobs and blow jobs behind the dumpsters of the nightclub.
  
  This photo is every pharmacist's dream come true.  I am getting a contact high just looking at Lindsay and Paula Abdul.
  
  Lindsay also got a new tattoo this week.  I think the tattoo artist misspelled it.  The tattoo should read: "If found lying down in a pool of vomit, please prop up and point in the direction of the nearest bar."
  
  Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom celebrated their love by getting their initials tattooed on their hands.  So Khloe got L.O. tattooed and Lamar got K.O. tattooed on his hand.  I am so against getting someone else's name tattooed on your body.  What happens if they break up?  I guess Khloe could get hers changed to LOL which would be her way of making fun of her marriage.  I guess Lamar could turn into a boxer and use that hand to knock out his opponent, but if he did that, I would be fearful for Khloe.
  
  Katy Perry turned 25 this week.  You know that could be a family portrait.  I do see a resemblance between her and the troll dolls.
  
  I take back everything bad that I have ever said about Katy.  She won Liberace's scarf in an online auction and turned into a top.  That takes talent.
  
  Kate Gosslein answered viewer mail on a recent episode of Jon and Kate Exploit 8.  She said that she wants to get into acting in movies after her reality series is dead.  Hmm I hear they are remaking Predator...oops...Roman Polanski was cast for that role already.  Let's hope she could get cast in a remake of Cujo.  If you think I am going for a joke where I would say Kate is perfect for the role of a mother who lets her child die, then you would be wrong.  I was going to say that Kate could play the part of a rabid bitch perfectly.
  
  Jodie Sweetin is releasing an autobiography detailing her life of drug abuse.  The book is called Unsweetined.  I think it should have been called How Rude because some of the things she talks about is pretty depressing.  She talks about drinking two bottles of wine at Candance Cameron's wedding: "I probably had two bottles of wine, and I was only 14. That first drink gave me the self confidence I had been searching for my whole life. But that set the pattern of the kind of drinking that I would do."  She also talks about how she appeared on Good Morning America and claimed to be sober but when she appeared she was on a chemical substance: "I was selfish, self-serving, insecure, angry and fearful person living a double life. I covered up my problems by pretending to be happy and saying that everything was fine."  She also describes being high at a movie premire of the Olsen Twins: "I was pulling off the deceit. It was hard for people to believe I was doing that much drugs. I look at photos from that event, and I didn't even look strung out!"  Well in her defense I don't think anyone over the age of 12 could sit through a movie featuring the Olsen Twins and be sober.
  
  Gordon Ramsay got some plastic surgery on his chin on the advice of Simon Cowell.  Hopefully the tightened face and chin will not stop Chef Ramsay from sharing his poetry such as, "YOU BLOODY FUCKING COW!" or "YOU MOTHERFUCKING CUNT PIECE OF SHIT!" or "I DON'T WANT FUCKING ASPARAGUS ON THAT BLOODY PLAT YOU DONKEY!"
  
  Dita Von Teese recently admitted that the reason she got breast implants was because she did so many drugs and the LSD destroyed her real breasts.  I don't know how that is possible but...KIDS, DON'T DO DRUGS!  As in the words of Creed Bratton, "Au naturale baby, that’s how I like ‘em. Swing low sweet chariots."
  
  You pick the joke: 
  A. Chafing is a bitch, I need to moisturize all the time. 
  B.  Diddy's stage shows have gotten very sexual ever since he got sponsored by Viagra. 
  C.  And this is how you properly examine for testicular cancer. 
  D.  This doesn't make sense since just saying Diddy is a joke in and of itself.
  
  Awwww...Clint Eastwood reminds me of my grandpa, my grandpa that was an action movie star.  This photo was taken right after Clint woke up from his nap on the set of his upcoming movie.  He looks confused because he can't find his Werther's Originals.
  
  This is a poster for the new A-Team movie.  That's Bradley Cooper as Face, Quintin Jackson as B.A. Baracus, Sharlto Copley as Mad Dog, and Liam Neeson as Hannibal.  Oh man I am getting harder...I mean eager with anticipation.
  
  Here's something for the ladies.  Andy Dick dressed as a drug addicted, ankle monitor wearing, pervert for Halloween.  Yes, I know that's how he always dresses but it's my joke.  Actually Andy looks pretty good now that he is sober which makes sense because a sober Dick is always more productive than a drunk Dick.
  
  Andrew Lloyd Webber is on a break from the production of the sequel to Phantom of the Opera because he was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  Come on, he'll be OK.  This is the guy who gave us Cats.  He has to have a few lives left.  Oh and a couple weeks ago I mentioned how Dennis Hopper was ill and in the hopsital.  Well he as diagnosed with prostate cancer as well.  Seriously, send these two guys some positive thoughts or prayers. 
  
  Andre Agassi has admitted in an autobiography that he used crystal meth while he was on the tennis tour.  He also says that it wasn't that bad that he never got addicted.  He even got out of a positive test by telling the drug testers that he drank a soda laced with meth.  You know, if I was married to Brooke Shields, I'd probably do meth too.  I just think this is a ploy to sell books because Agassi has dropped off the radar in recent years.
  
  This is supposedly the new album cover for Adam Lambert's upcoming album.  I am actually speechless.  All I can muster is...wow.
  
  The economy is hitting 50 Cent very hard.  He was at a night club recently and he could only afford to spend $122,000 on drinks.  Of course he had his crew of 15 girls with him so it wasn't like he was doing the drinking by himself.  I am shocked that 15 girls would want to hang around 50 Cent.  He is after all known to attract more bullets than Abraham Lincoln's head....wait, too soon?
  
  What is wrong with this recent picture of Amy Winehouse?  Some may have said the implants but she is obviously serious about those.  No, it's the water.  She's drinking plain water.  Never in a million years would I have thought that I would see Amy Winehouse drinking something non-alcoholic.
  
  
  So does this publicity stunt help or harm her career?  I actually think her breast implants may hamper her singing career because they may provide extra strain on her breathing and diaphragm.  Oh and another thing, I think when a lady considers implants, she should also consider the effects on her wardrobe. It looks like Amy's dress can't contain her new chesticles.  I really hope that she is happy; I know I am semi-happy.
  
  Britney Spears' father, Jamie, is trying to resurrect her career.  He has been firing people in Britney's entourage left and right and Britney has no clue what is going on.  Some close to her have said that she has become a zombie.  Hmmm so she's a zombie?  What job could a zombie get in this economy?  A job hosting The View or a news commentator on FOX News?  I know what will get her career on track: losing her uterus and staying away from straight and fertile men.

  Video Section:
  Melissa Joan Hart tried to insult Jimmy Kimmel.  You can't insult an aspiring roast comedian.  I think she probably cried after that interview.
  

  So I hope you enjoyed.  Have a good weekend. 

  • 12:58 AM
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