November 12, 2009

  • Questions with the Godfather and his Cock

    Well Cocky and I are back for another shot at helping you with your questions.  It has been a long two weeks and Cocky and I are both somewhat exhausted.  I have slipped back into my insomnia and Cocky has been sampling the the case of product the sponsors sent us this week. 

    Me: Cocky, are you ready?
    Cocky: Locked, cocked, and ready to unload.
    Me: Good to hear.  How is the new sponsor treating you?
    Cocky: My liver woke up next to me this morning, crying.  I missed sun-up.
    Me: That's unfortunate.  What did all the hens do?
    Cocky: Well, when they heard my liver crying, they just rolled over and went back to bed.
    Me: Well at least they weren't disturbed. 
    Cocky    : Yeah they only get disturbed when I bring up the notion of Cosby Sweaters.
    Me: Cocky, that's horrible.
    Cocky:  Your one to talk.  Look how you woke me up.
    Me: What do you mean?
    Cocky:  You put your hand around my throat and shook me until I started spitting.
    Me:  What am I going to do with you?
    Cocky:  Well you could start by not choking your chicken.
    Me: And now a word from our sponsors.


    Questions with the Godfather and Cocky is brought to you by:


    Fighting Cock Bourbon. 

    Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    Where do you come up with your ideas?  I mean you seem like such a creative person so I would just like to know when and where do you get these ideas?
                                                                      Courtney in Courtland
    Me: Well, Courtney, you actually have me blushing.
    Cocky: Are you sure that isn't because of broken capillaries from drinking?
    Me: Actually I get ideas all the time for writing and one of the things I recommend is carrying around a small not pad with you because you never know when the creative bug will bite.
    Cocky: You never take a note pad with you into your throne room.
    Me:  Ugh...that's because I am "reading" in my "reading room".
    Cocky: Yeah.."reading".  Look Courtney, I find the best thoughts come post orgasm...hahaha come

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I am back in the dating scene and my last girlfriend was this career woman fashionista who was more interested in who she was wearing than what was going on in the world and was also confident in her place in the world.  What do I have to do to reel in a politically aware and frustrated waitress?
                                              Waitress Lover in Wood Lake
    Me: I'm not sure how to go about "reeling" one in but I am sure it could be rather easy in this economic climate to find a frustrated waitress.  I guess the best advice I could give you is to broaden your horizons while at the same time lowering them.
    Cocky: You leave a tip, a HUGE tip, man.  I'm talking like $10 on a bill that is $2.  The Godfather does that quite often.  He's just to proud to admit it.  He leaves a dollar tip for every drink at the bar but if the bartender is a female and has a pulse he usually leaves $2 or $3 per drink. 
    Me: I am just being nice because I read that one of the most frequent jobs for women in school is waitressing and by giving them a larger tip, it is my way of helping society better itself.
    Cocky: Whatever helps you sleep at night....OK, so leave the big tip and when you go to see this waitress only look at her and talk to her.  And when she asks if you want a lapdance, you pay her but say it is just for conversation...wait that's how you go about reeling in strippers...I have no idea how to find a waitress.
    Me: One thing that worked for me was after I paid my bill, I found the waitress and said that there was something wrong with my bill...her phone number was not written on it.  She ended up giving me her phone number and said she liked my confidence.
    Cocky: And then she gave you a restraining order and a broken heart because she didn't like your lack of bulge.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    From your life-time, what sports story was the most shocking to you?
                                             Journalist in Judson
    Me: Great question!  Where does one begin?  Dale Earnhardt's death participating in the sport he loved was shocking.  Or how about the Red Sox coming back from 3 games down to win the American League pennant and then go on to sweep the World Series?  Maybe Michael Jordan's retirement to pursue a baseball career.  Another could be Magic Johnson's announcement he had HIV.
    Cocky:  The most shocking was when a virtually unknown fighter named El Pollo Guapo took the ring to fight the number one fighter in the world,     El Pollo de la Muerte.  It was an exhausting fight for El Pollo Guapo but he overcame all odds to win.  Maybe this was more shocking for me since I was El Pollo Guapo in my fighting days.
    Me: Cocky, you were a fighter?
    Cocky: Yes and I retired undefeated after my third fight.
    Me: That is something.  You should be proud of that accomplishment.
    Cocky: Yes, I am as proud of my cockfighting career as you are of your undefeated record in the art of hand to little man combat.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    OK you guys are my last resort.  I don't know where else to go.  See I have this girlfriend and she means the world to me but I have a couple problems.  First, I have stomach problems that cause me to have massive amounts of gas.  Secondly, when my girlfriend cooks for me, the food she prepares intensifies my chronic gas.  I love this girl and I want it to last but I worry that if I cut the cheese in front of her, she will dump me.  What should I do?
                                             Cheese Cutter in Kasota
    Me: Well that is quite a predicament.  First thing is that you should explain to your girlfriend what your stomach condition entails.  Also you may want to seek out medical attention if it is extremely bad.  They say that the fouler the fart, the greater the possibility is that something is wrong on the inside not just with the gastro-intestinal process but also with the heart.  Heart attacks hurt worse than a broken heart and if she truly loves you she will be accepting of all your quirks or medical disorders.
    Cocky:  Two words: Dutch oven.  Maybe if it is chronic and as foul as you say, you could drop a few and she would pass out from methane overdose and then there would be no problem at all.
    Me: You suggest forcing her head under the covers to smell his farts in an attempt to make her pass out?
    Cocky: Why not?  It's not as bad as some of the things you have done.
    Me: Cocky, that was in a movie, it didn't really happen to me.
    Cocky: Sure, it's always from the movies with you and never real.  Well your exgirlfriend tells a different story.
    Me: You talk to my ex.
    Cocky: Isn't that usually the case; the ex hates the man but loves his pet cock?
    Me: Cocky, you're insufferable.
    Cocky:  I'm not the one who farted while his girlfriend was giving him a mouth hug.
    Me: That was the movies.
    Cocky: And they took the story from you and she did break up with you in what...3 days?
    Me: I'm not dignifying that.
    Cocky:  Dignify or not...it happened.
    Me: But I was at my most relaxed state and all muscles let loose.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I work very hard to keep my lawn in nice shape, but I am tired of finding little "surprises" that my neighbor's dog leaves behind. I have spoken to my neighbor about this many times but he just shrugs it off and says he will try to watch "Fido" more closely. My town does have a "pooper-scooper" law but it only applies to parks and public spaces. I try hard to be a good neighbor, but I am about at the end of my rope about this. Can you suggest anything?
                                            Poop-Scoop in Pemberton
    Me:     Most towns that are civilized enough to have pooper-scooper laws also have leash laws. Either "Fido" is on one heck of a long leash or he's running loose. I would …ahem…collect the evidence, bring it over to his lawn and point out that watching "Fido" obviously is not enough. I would then pleasantly suggest an invisible fence to keep puppy in his own yard AND to comply with local leash laws.
    Cocky:  Now I bet you are expecting I give my usual advice here, which would be "Punch your neighbor in the throat," but I'm not going to give that advice.  I am going to suggest that you do something the Godfather's great-grandmother did when her neighbor's dog left lawn sausages in her yard.  She picked up the evidence but instead of calmly showing the evidence to her neighbors, she waited for a time when they weren't around and snuck into their back yard and smeared it all over their personal possessions such as the door knob and some sunglasses that were on their back porch.  The only downside to smearing crap all over your neighbor's possessions is that your hands are going to stink like dog shit for a while.  Hey, maybe you should get the guy who wants to fart in front of his girlfriend to visit your neighbor and peel the paint off your neighbor's wall after you feed the farter a few bowls of chili.

    Disclaimer: I plan on time-stamping this piece and if you don't like time-stamping please don't tell me to quit xanga on my blog.  It's time-stamping.  Please, don't be like some mental deficient bloggers out there by reporting me to xanga for harassment because I time-stamped and you can't wrap your small mind around that.  Just block me and unsubscribe like a normal person.  Dang, I shouldn't have written this, Prince Zuko and the vegetarian vampires may attack me.


    If you have any questions send them to advicewithcocky@gmail.com(Real email...SERIOUSLY) or send them to me here at Xanga.

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