November 14, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 11/13

  So I peeled myself away from my Friday the 13th marathon to do this.  You know that Freddy vs. Jason was robbed of Oscars.  I am somewhat glad that Friday the 13th got re-worked because the last few Jason movies sucked dong.  Anyway, you know the drill, some images may not be safe for work or for life.

  
  A former member of Scientology has come forward to talk about the cult-like activity of the pseudo-religion.  This former member claims that while at a compound they received word that Tom Cruise was going to visit therefore they had to get the place sparkling clean.  3 members refused to do the work so they were taken to a place in the compound called The Hole.  These three members were beaten.  One of the higher-ups arrived before Tom and was shocked that these three members weren't beaten to a bloody pulp.  Tom Cruise then phone and asked the cult if he had to come down to The Hole and "beat the shit" out of the disobedient.  So let's get this straight...members are forced to do menial work for the higher-ups in the group and beaten severely when they don't follow orders...yep, that sounds like a religion to me.  Also, Tom Cruise wants to go to a place called The Hole and beat men who are tied up...yep, that sounds like a gay porn to me.
  
  Tila Tequila has no clue who the Yankees are but they gave her an excuse to be slutty.  I find it extremely ironic that she is stuffing her basketballs into a bra that is sporting a baseball team's logo.  I can't wait to see which team she will be sporting next year after the World Series.
  
  Last weekend Joe Perry of Aerosmith said that Steven Tyler had quit the band.  Well this week Steven fired back and said he has no plans to quit Aerosmith.  He finished the interview by saying "I, motherfucker, am the rainbow."  So is that his new name; Motherfucker, the Rainbow?  I thought that was Adam Lambert's name.  I'm not saying this in a bad way, but I think the gay pride movement should jump all over that quote and use it in their parades.
  
  Spencer Pratt was out showing off his 1968 Camaro SS this week.  Why can't he be like the other douches in Hollywood and drive a Porsche or Mercedes?  Wait...cars that old don't have airbags...SCORE!
  
  Shauna Sand was spotted spending some time with her family last weekend.  When a member of the paparazzi asked her what her plans were for after the party Shauna said that she planned on going home to eat ice cream and then winked.  Well if you haven't seen her sex tape there is a scene involving her eating some melted ice cream.  So she was promoting her sex tape in front of her child and at the same time coming out of her top? Has she no shame?  No.
  
  An advertising agency in New Zealand has placed these billboard along the highways trying to get companies to advertise their businesses.  The funny thing is that sales of ad space is up 40% for this company since they started using Paris Hilton's image.  I think business would be up even higher if the billboard said "Shoot hot advertising load all over my face."  You know it can't be false advertising since Paris likes that stuff based on her sex tape.
  
  Nick Hogan recently said that he has been having flashbacks and nightmares about his time in jail.  Hey, Nick, at least you get to dream.  Your passenger can't do that.  He's in a permanent vegetative state.  I guess it was his fault that you were drunk driving and it was his fault that made you crash and it's his fault for being brain dead.
  
  Lindsay Lohan is supposedly having money problems.  She has been going to clubs and charging her drinks to other people's tabs.  You know...I have to admit that Lindsay learned that from me.  One wedding that I was in, I was having a drink at the bar while they were setting up for the dance.  I noticed that the bride's father opened a tab and well it all went downhill from there.  Sorry, Mr. T.
  
  OK creepy news, Lindsay Lohan's parents released a recorded phone conversation wherein they talked about how Lindsay was dating Heath Ledger at the time of his death.  Now her parents are worried that Lindsay will end up like Heath.  He probably went into her purse and thought he was downing a couple breath mints but it was horse tranquilizers.  Oh and that taped conversation could put Lindsay's father in jail because he admitted to talking with Lindsay despite having a restraining order at the time.  That whole Lohan family needs to be either locked in rehab or in a mental facility.
  
  Leonardo DiCaprio turned 35 this week.  I can't believe he is that old.  I think he could still play a teenager.  Maybe they should cast him as one of those teenage vampires in Twilight.  He'd certainly give that movie franchise some acting talent if his name was attached.
  
  Leighton Meester, star of Gossip Girl, posed for GQ magazine.  The photos were not that shocking.  I mean the girl was born in a prison and already has a sex tape out on the internet.  I have this feeling that once Gossip Girl gets canceled Leighton will be giving out blow jobs like the Care Bears dispense hugs.
  
  Speaking of...oh Kim Kardashian.  Did you know that the popsicle which she is sucking is actually 42 inches long?  She is so talented which is why I am going to ask for her hand in marriage.
  
  Rumor has it that Katy Perry will soon be marrying Russell Brand.  He has been known as a man-whore who has been associated with basically every female that appears on this blog.  He said that he is extremely attracted to Katy.  Yeah I know why he's attracted to her and it rhymes with boobs.  Katy's parents are also said to have taken a shining to Russell which some find strange given his sluttiness and the fact that Katy's parents are both evangelical ministers.  I don't think it's any shock that her parents would enjoy Russell since he does look like their lord and savior.
  
  Katt Williams was arrested this week for breaking into a house and burglarizing it.  There were people at the house and they claimed he was trying to take stuff out.  That doesn't make sense since he has such a great comedy career and he has one of the highest selling comedy DVDs of the year.  Katt is claiming he was set up.  He said that he got into a fight with an employee of the house where he was staying while he was filming a movie, the same house that he was accused of robbing.  Well either way, he's smiling so it can't be that bad.
  
  Singer and stoner, Joss Stone claims that weed is not a drug and that everyone smokes it so it's OK.  Poll time:  who here has not smoked weed?  So she claims that marijuana isn't bad, but going home and eating whole containers of ice cream can't be good.
  
  In the most disturbing news ever, a former bodyguard of Jon Gosslein has come forward and said that he once filmed Jon having sex.  Jon found a hooker on craigslist and he had the bodyguard film them screwing.  The bodyguard also said that he witnessed Jon doing copious amounts of cocaine.  What is with people filming themselves having sex?  Am I such a prude?  OK maybe I am a hypocrite.  Anyway, if that tape gets released it will be a bigger pandemic then H1N1.  People will go blind and they will learn that the show shouldn't have been called Jon and Kate Plus 8 but more like Jon and Kate plus 4 and a Half.  In Jon's defense, I'd snort coke too if I had to put up with Kate.  I also would film myself having sex with a prostitute as well since that was probably the first time that he wasn't on his hands and knees with Kate standing behind him with a strap-on forcing Jon to call her Big Rudy.
  
  Johnny Depp has heard of Nicolas Cage's financial woes and he told Nicolas that he will pay off his $7million debt with the IRS.  Apparently, Johnny owes his career to Nicolas.  Nic set up a meeting with an agent for Depp to get him his role in Nightmare on Elm Street.  I also hear that Nicolas' son, Kal-El Coppola Cage, is offering his father $1million to legally change his name.  Hopefully Nic doesn't take that money and use it to buy dinosaur skulls.
  
  OK this story has nothing to do with Jerry Stiller other than speculation.  CBS recently announced that they have bought the rights to make a TV show based on the Twitter page Shit My Dad Says.  I am thinking Jerry Stiller would be perfect for the role of "dad".  Oh and I wonder how they are going to work around that name.  They'll probably go with "Stuff My Dad Says".  In other TV news FOX announced that they are adapting the website, Texts from Last Night, into a TV show, which will more than likely be animated and written by Seth McFarlane.  God, are people really that unoriginal?  Have we seriously run out of ideas?  I need to start a petition to get a show based on me and my talking cock.
  
  Jamie Foxx and Martin Lawrence are teaming up for a comedy movie.  It is going to center around their characters Wanda and Shenehneh.  Maybe it's jut an excuse for them to get together and cross-dress.  Shockingly Tyler Perry isn't attached.  You know this movie would have been hilarious back in 1993 but not now.
  
  Daniel Radcliffe was photographed smoking the ganj at a party this week.  The photographer said that Daniel was laughing continuously and let someone draw a mustache on him with a Sharpie.  Someone made the joke that they didn't know who he was but that he looked like the main character from Lord of the Rings.  So what?  Daniel's 20 and rich.  How else is he going to spend his time?  Acting in a stage play where he gets fully nude...wait he did do that.  This guy could smoke crack on a playground and would not be fired from his role as Harry Potter.  Although they may have to re-shoot and call the new film Harry Potter and the Stoner's Bong or The Sorceror is Stoned.
  
  Sad news for Celine Dion, her husband announced that she was no longer pregnant.  She didn't lose the pregnancy but she never "took".  Apparently the artificial insemination failed.  He said that they will continue to pursue having a child.  Well anyway, here's Canada's national anthem.  Just kidding, Canada, we all know it is O Canada.
  
  Carrie Prejean acknowledged that she indeed did make a sex tape.  Of course she makes the Christian excuse of being lonely on Valentine's Day.  I have been lonely for numerous Valentine's Days but that doesn't mean I get out the camera and film myself toying with the Death Star.  She also made the excuse that she was a teenager and didn't think the pictures would be leaked.  So what I gather from her preaching of Christianity is that the religion hates gay marriage but loves sex tapes and not having personal accountability.  Oh and the best part of this, when the pageant company showed the tape in closed quarters, Carrie's mom was with her in the chambers.  Kids, when you want to play, the cameras go away.
  
  OK let's go through Ashlee Simpson's resume.  She's a failed lip-syncer.  She's a failed dancer.  She's a failed baby-namer.  And added to the list after she was canned from the new Melrose Place, failed actress.  Now she wants to add one more item to her resume...failed clothing designer.  She says that her look will be preppy-punk.  God...that sounds like more horrible shit they will sell at Hot Topic and will just be more clothes that no one will ever wear.
  
  First Amy Winehouse got breast implants now she is telling people that she wants to get ass implants because she wants to look like a pin-up girl.  Here I was just thinking that her new chesticles threw off her balance so she needed something in back to keep her from toppling over.  Man...she'll have huge boobs and a big butt...that's like putting Gargamel's head on Jessica Rabbit's body.
  
  I think life is starting to get to Britney again.  Could you imagine if Britney actually did get political in her music?  I could totally see her simulating a strip tease on a stripper pole while telling us that we need to lower tariffs.  I could also see her shaking her ass while imploring us that we need to balance the federal budget.  Oh don't worry, Britney really isn't giving glory to Satan.  Her Twitter was hacked(why does that sound so dirty?).  Britney still worships at the Church of Starbucks.
  
  Britney has also been telling anyone who will listen that she will never perform in Australia again.  She says that they are so mean.  Apparently at her concerts people have had to audacity to boo and demand their money back because of her poor lip-syncing job.  Well the precedence was set with concert goer in Chicago demanding money back after a lackluster Creed show, but when did Creed ever do a good show?  Anyway, I wonder if we can just boo and jeer at all celebrities we don't like and they would go away.

  Video Section
  Taylor Swift was on Saturday Night Live last week and this by far was one of the best skits I have seen this season.
  
  Remember last week when I had photos of Tony Soprano dressed as Homer Simpson?  Well, James Gandolfini didn't like having his picture taken.
  
  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

  • 3:04 AM
  • 46 Comments