November 21, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 11/20

  I am unsure if I will be hunting tomorrow.  I got in sleep this afternoon and this evening just in case.  It is supposed to be rainy.  Maybe I'll wait to go to the casino when Boys II Men perform later this year.  I know they usually get the ladies all hot and bothered or at least they did when I was in high school.  Another reason I may not go hunting is because my family in Illinois asked my aunt to come down and babysit because the hospital won't let their child in the hospital area because of H1N1 concerns.  Anyway my aunt here doesn't like driving in Chicago.  I may not know if I am supposed to drive until tomorrow morning.

  Some images may not be safe for work or for life.

  
  Travis Barker, drummer of Blink 182 and a plane crash survivor, celebrated his 34th birthday this week.  I heard he celebrated by getting some more tattoos if that is even possible.  I do hope he looked back and was thankful for surviving that plane crash.
  
  DJ AM was on the same flight as Travis Barker.  DJ AM survived however those close to him say that the pain from his injuries led him back to substance abuse.  Well his family has filed a wrongful death lawsuit against the charter plane company.  They believe if the plane had never crashed, DJ AM would have never got back into substance abuse and therefore would not have overdosed.  Before he died DJ AM had filed lawsuits against Goodyear tires(the tires on the plane), Learjet(the type of plane) and the families of the dead pilots.  I think that it is sad that he got back on the drugs but the lawsuits...wow.  Just a word for his family, sue all you will, it won't bring him back or change anything.
  
  I think this marks Anthony Michael Hall's first time on the round up.  I just hope the photo doesn't scare off any readers.  His girlfriend got a restraining order against him because she claims that he beat her after he broke down her apartment door.  He is bipolar and it got so bad that shooting on his TV series, Dead Zone, had to stop because of his bouts.  You know after seeing him in all those John Hughes movies, I would never suspect that of him.  You see Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, and The Breakfast Club and you think you know someone.
  
  RuPaul turned 49 this week.  I would say, "Wow! What a cougar! -or- What a MILF!" but you know...
  
  Rihanna was recently interviewed and said that she doesn't want to be involved in a relationship at the moment but she still likes to play.  She went on to say that these toys she plays with has to be big because size matters.  Yes, she was talking about penises.  When I hear that phrase "size matters" I get depressed but anyway it makes sense that Rihanna is a size queen because her last boyfriend, Chris Brown, was a gigantic pussy.
  
  Reese Witherspoon recently revealed that she puts her garbage in her neighbors' trash cans.  She said that she does so because her garbage can is always overflowing and she is also obsessed with people searching through her garbage.  Quite possibly, this is the only thing interesting about Reese.  I can understand not wanting people to go through her trash.  I mean who would want someone finding discarded porn or sex toys or used condoms.  But because it's overflowing?  Come on, Reese.  You make millions for crap movies and you get royalties for your old movies and we know that every weekend either TBS or TNT airs Legally Blonde.  You're good for buying a few extra trash cans.
  
  People are saying that Paris Hilton is extremely jealous of the Kardashian family and Paris claims that she made them famous.  She has also been reported to have had major fights with her boyfriend in which she berates him for not being as athletic as the Kardashian girls' husbands and boyfriends.  Of course they are getting more attention than you, Paris.  We live in a mammocentric society and they have bigger boobs.  Paris, if you really want to gain the attention the Kardashians receive, here's what you do: make a sextape and release it publicly...oops.
  
  To become a member of Mel Gibson's private Catholic church, prospective members have to go through security screenings because Mel is so upset with people leaking his business all over the internet.  I guess it is a privilege to pray with Mel.  Maybe instead of going through all the security screenings and paranoia, Mel should just follow that one commandment...which one was it?  Oh yeah "YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY!"
  
  You know, there is nothing I need to write here about Megan Fox other than she is preparing for her future.
  
  Martha Stewart revealed in a Nightline interview that she hates Rachael Ray...basically.  Listen to this: "Well, to me, she professed that she could -- cannot bake. She -- just did a new cookbook which is just a re-edit of a lot of her old recipes. She -- and that's not good enough for me."  Martha also said that she is writing a new book and in doing so she took a crap on Rachael: a cookbook is "a unique and lasting thing. Something that will really fulfill a need in someone's library. Rachael is different. She is more of an entertainer ... with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That's not what she's professing to be."  Martha also describe Rachael as "more of an entertainer ... with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That's not what she's professing to be."  WOW!  THANK YOU, MARTHA STEWART!  Of course if Martha Stewart wants to base a cookbook on her life experiences, I'm expecting it to be called "A Prisoner's Guide to Healthy Living".  Oh and I hear Rachael Ray is working on a new book entitled "How to Swallow a Kielbasa Sausage Whole".  Seriously, she has a huge mouth.
  
  This is Mark Mangino.  He is the head coach of the University of Kansas football team.  He has been accused of verbally and physically abusing his players.  In one instance a player, whose brother was shot, said Mangino threatened to send him back to St. Louis so he could be shot like his brother.  So why am I posting this here?  Well it's like I am looking into a mirror, a mirror that looks at my future.  Not the yelling but the appearance.  Some people are saying that he is being discriminated against because of his size.
  
  Lindsay Lohan fled a party after an ex-girlfriend of hers and Tila Tequila, Courtenay Semel, begged Lindsay to go to rehab.  Courtenay herself just got out of rehab so she was singing it's praises.  In Lindsay's defense, I'd probably run away too if I remembered dating her.
  
  Lil' Wayne had another child born to him this week.  This is his fourth total child and his second child this year.  He has a twelve year old daughter, a 4 year old, a one month old and the newborn and I believe all the children are with different women.  Ladies, don't stare too long at Lil' Wayne, you may wind up pregnant.
  
  Yeah, Kristen Stewart looks stoned as usual.  What the hell is wrong with kids?  "Kristen is the Shiznit"?  Are you fucking serious?  Kristen Stewart couldn't act her way out of a paper bag.  They were afraid to let her try to act her way out of a plastic bag because she is so mind-numbingly stupid that she would probably smother herseld.  By the way...Twilight...and that is all I will say.
  
  Ken Ober, former host of MTV's greatest gameshow Remote Control, passed away this week at the age of 52.  Friends said that Ken was complaining of flu-like symptoms and may have had contact with the H1N1 virus.  SCREW YOU, PIG FLU!
  
  Johnny Depp was voted sexiest man.  I feel slighted.  I should have been voted sexiest blogger.  Well I will just quit writing because I need to hurry through this so I can get back to the Russian and German supermodels that are currently napping in my bed after our all day lovemaking session.  Living in reality sucks.
  
  Joe McHale, my hero and mentor, turned 38 this week.  Joel...you are my inspiration and I love all your work...now give me a job.  I'll accept work on either show.
  
  For some reason there are people out there that still want to see Hulk Hogan wrestle.  The last time I saw him in the WWE, he could barely walk around the ring.  Anyway it appears that he and Ric Flair are setting up a fight for the Metamucil Over 50 World Heavyweight Championship.  This is a true story: back in 2000 in a wrestling league that is now defunct called WCW, they staged a match called a "Viagra on the Pole".  Apparently a wrestler filmed a sex-tape with a girl and in the video it showed that he suffered from erectile dysfunction.  The point of the match was that there was a bottle of Viagra on top of a pole and the person who got the Viagra first could use it on their opponent...yes, that was the stipulation.  The announcing was god-awful and the match really wasn't taken seriously.  The bottle of Viagra shattered and one of the competitors ate the pills off the mat.  The referee saw that the guy with ED had the bottle so he was declared the winner.  The loser then swallowed the pills.  No one knew what happened.  The loser was then shown leaving the arena with three women and a very noticeable erection.  Within a few months of this match, WCW no longer existed.  Anyway, how did Hulk get all bloody?  What is commonly done in pro-wrestling is that a wrestler will take small razor blades and have them taped to his wrists or fingers and then when he is laying face first on the ground he will dig the razor into his forehead, not cutting across because that scars and doesn't produce enough blood.  I can't wait for some of those guys to get into the nursing homes.  Hell, Verne Gagne, a former pro-wrestler, killed a fellow resident who claimed that pro-wrestling was fake.  the case was dismissed because Verne suffers from severe Alzheimer's
  
  Remember Fantasia?  She won American Idol.  The last time I wrote about her, she was facing losing her house due to foreclosure, but Simon Cowell stepped in and paid it off.  Well now that things are back on easy street for Fantasia, she decided she needed to find herself a new man.  She did, at a cell phone store.  Her and the salesman hit it off immediately.  The only problem is that the guy is married and has two children.  After two weeks of seeing Fantasia, he left his wife and kids and moved into Fantasia's Simon Cowell's house.  Do you notice the tattoo on Fantasia's chest?  It says "Cook" which is her man's surname.  At first I thought she was throwing a shout-out to my blog by having "Cock" tattooed on her body.  Man...American Idol really sucks. 
  
  Enrique Iglesias was always rumored to have a small penis.  In fact when he and Anna Kournikova were rumored to have split, people said it was because she didn't like his lack of bulge.  Anyway this still shot is from a video that was just released but shot a while back.  I think he is overcompensating.  Honestly I don't believe the rumors to be true because how else could he score Anna Kournikova?  Oh yeah, a seven figure record deal.
  
  
  Coco posted these photos on her Twitter.  I think she believes that Twitter is her own personal pseudo-porn site.  Oh...thank you, Coco, I have Twitter.  In the first photo, I thought those were vibrators.  Then in the second, that was taken from the twin peaks of Mount Coco...oh I could make a joke about how I'd like to mount Coco....wait...I just did.  Hmmm my fingers are turning blue.
  
  Even after being convicted of beating his ex-girlfriend Rihanna, Chris Brown gets women.  Are they stupid?  Apparently.  I mean Charles Manson still gets women swooning over him so why not a woman beater.  I have finally come to the realization that if you want to get laid, don't be a humanitarian, get a seven figure record deal.

  
  Vivid Entertainment has told Carrie Prejean that she may as well consent to allow them to release her sex tapes because if not they will release them anyway.  I heard something about this and that they wouldn't need her consent because the images weren't taken from her phone or from anything she possessed.  Once again kids, if you're going to play, the cameras go away.  I think her only career move at this point is porn.  And I have the perfect concept.  Carrie could play an outspoken minister who preaches against gay marriage and when she realizes her words won't "convert" gay men she uses her body and she would have conversion sessions with multpile men present.  Basically I am just hoping that with multiple dicks in her mouth it would shut her up.
  
  It seems like only yesterday when Brittany Murphy was considered an up and coming star.  It doesn't look that way now.  A couple weeks ago she was became frantic when she thought she heard gunshots and neighbors had to call the police because she was running around her property screaming.  It turns out that it was a generator that was kicking in.  Here she is kissing her husband and dog.  That is a bizarre threesome.  At least it gives me hope.
  
  Wow!  Britney Spears' son, Sean, is looking more like his dad, Kevin Federline, every day.  Besides their looks, Sean and K-Fed have a lot in common.  Both are out of work, both love Budweiser and both Sean and K-Fed depend on Britney Spears to stay alive.

  Video Section:
  And you didn't believe me about the Viagra on the Pole match
  
  Here's a fun episode of Remote Control.
  
  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 3:44 AM
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