November 28, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 11/27

  Today I was all reminiscent and was thinking of my first girlfriend.  It was just so weird thinking about her after all these years...actually not because she walks by my house every day.  I was thinking of how she took my virginity.  Her vagina was like my first bike, bright red and a little bit too big for me, my dad had to hold my shoulders steady because I kept falling off, and when I wasn't paying attention an older boy stole it from me.  After that I kept my next one safely chained up in the garage.

  OK so maybe that didn't happen...either way this week's edition my contain images that are not safe for work or for life.

  
  Tiger Woods is rumored to be cheating on his wife with this woman, Rachel Uchitel.  Earlier this year she broke up the marriage of Bones star David Boreanaz.  Anyway things turned into something quite odd last night.  I turned on the ESPN News and saw the red band at the bottom say that Tiger was in a major car accident.  Later in the day it turned to minor accident and that Tiger had sustained minor injuries.  Well now the police and other sources are saying that Tiger got into a shouting match with his wife, Ellen Nordegren, and left the house.  She followed him and broke out the windows on his SUV with a golf club(how fighting).  He drove down the street and thought he came to a stop but he hit a fire hydrant and then hit a tree.  The early reports were saying that his wife saw this accident happen so she ran with a golf club to smash out his windows to rescue him.  Well the injuries Tiger sustained were not related to the accident and when EMTs responded they found Ellen standing over a semi-conscious Tiger.  He also claims to have been taking a pain reliever which is why first reports say that officers that he may have been drunk.  Suddenly Tiger doesn't seem so squeaky clean.  Can you blame him?  He competes in a sport where men are required to sink their balls in multiple holes.
  
  Shakira wore this dress to the AMAs.  I want to be all CSI and investigate her body but that dress is so tight that it doesn't leave much hidden.  She is gorgeous.
  
  I've gathered that a few of you ladies enjoy looking at Taylor Lautner.  Some have come out and said that he is "cute" and "hot".  I think Rolling Stone is turning into a very naughty type of magazine, one that needs to be mailed in a plastic wrap that covers everything but the title.  Oh well, Rolling Stone hates Dane Cook and that is fine by me.
  
  Here we see Rumer Willis enjoying life and acting like she doesn't give a shit.  Wow...she actually does look like she is a good actress.  I mean she pulls off the "interested in what you're doing" look.  Of course she's no Audrey Hepburn but she's much better than Paris Hilton.
  
  In sad news, this week it was made official...The Pussycat Dolls have disbanded.  They have broken up so that they could pursue their solo careers of singing stripping.  Well at least young girls still have Miley Cyrus to teach them that wearing clothes on the bottom half of your body is optional.
  
  Paris Hilton's mother recently came out and said that she was proud of her daughter...let that sink in.  What is she proud of?  Paris not getting implants.  Apparently that was a big issue for Paris because she saw all the other girls in Hollywood getting implants to gain popularity.  So what about that sex tape?  Was that a shining moment for the Hilton family?  Paris said that what turned her off from the idea was seeing the TV show Nip/Tuck.  Hell, I wish I had a girlfriend who was easily swayed by TV.  Of course I would want her to be swayed to get implants so I would watch nothing but Girls Next Door...that might also get her to pose naked for me when I am 80 so maybe it isn't worth it.
  
  Pam Anderson recently told people that she told her pre-teen sons about her sex-tape.  She told them because they saw the movie Borat.  Sorry, Pam, you can't blame having to tell your children about your promiscuous ways on a movie.  I think your fake breasts, Hepatitis C, and having them call each guy you bring around the house on a weekly basis Daddy clued them into something being up.
  
  Recently Miley Cyrus was at a burger joint in New York City.  She placed her order and the counter guy asked for her last name.  She asked the question people ask when their career is in a decline, "Don't you know who I am?"  The clerk responded, "No."  She answered, "I'm Miley Cyrus."  He said, "Well, good for you." Then he handed her the order and she left flabbergasted.  Come on, Miley, not every person is a Polish film director...are Roman Polanski jokes still OK or are his15 minutes of shame done?
  
  Oh and did you know that Miley turned 17 this week?  Stop thinking what you are thinking when you look at that photo or you will be Roman Polanski's cellmate.
  
  OK this has got to be the strangest and most inaccurate story of the week.  Rumor has it that last week, after the Jimmy Kimmel show, sports announcer, Marv Albert got into an altercation with 50 Cent or a member of 50's posse.  Some places are saying that Marv punched 50 in the jaw.  Tabloid stories get blown out of proportion all the time unless, in Marv Albert's case, deal with crossd-ressing and forced sodomy.  If he punched 50 Cent there is no way Marv would still be calling games and not eating through a straw.
  
  Lisa Rinna twittered the photo on the right.  The photo on the left is what she looks like without all the spackle.  I wonder how long it takes the Extreme Makeover team to caulk up her face in the mornings.  I'm not calling her ugly, it's just amazing how much of a change there is.
  
  WOW!  Here is a photo of the two most beautiful things in the world.  Can you name them?
  
  Levi Johnston's photo session for Playgirl was released this week.  This is about all I will post.  Sorry, Playgirl has been threatening sites that post the rest of the photo shoot.  This was one of the freebies that is floating around the internet.  Butt(typo stays with this story) I went the extra mile for my female and male, who are into guys, readers.  Be forewarned, the site is not safe for work.  Don't say I never do anything for you....here...and don't bother asking because I am not.
  
  Do you ever get the feeling that Lady Gaga is trying too hard to get people to like her music?  Oh and hermaphrodite rumors still abound so notice all the ace bandages.  Are the concealing a tuck job?
  
  Kim Kardashian posted this photo on her Twitter this week along with the message "I reached my goal".  I don't know what that goal was.  She never replied to my tweet.  I do have a feeling that her goal was becoming a bigger fame whore than Paris Hilton.
  
  Booooo Mancouch....you posted this before me and no, I did not take the photos from Mancouch.  I have ways around Facebook.  These photos wee supposedly taken at a party in celebration of Katie Couric becoming the lead anchor on the CBS Evening News.  Someone on Facebook posted the photos.  I'll be honest.  When I was a weird and awkward pre-teen, I had a crush on Katie.  The way she read the news was...delightful.  Anyway...hot damn that girl can drop it like it's hot.
  
  Have you seen this kid before?  His name is Justin Bieber.  He is supposedly the new singing sensation.  I caught Wendy Williams today...yes, I watched Wendy Williams.  It was only for 10 minutes while I was switching DVDs.  That HBO series John Adams is magnificent.  Anyway, Justin is some youtube singing sensation that Usher signed to a deal and little girls cry and wet their pants around him.  They also cause riots.  Last weekend he was supposed to make an appearance at a mall.  Well it was false.  He had no intentions of performing and when it was announced all the girls went insane and caused a minor(ummm get it?) riot.  This kid is the future of music.  Those Jonas Brothers are so....old.
  
  The AMAs had two memorable performances.  The first was Jennifer Lopez.  During her stage show she slipped and fell on her large derriere.  Her act was edited for the West coast with her fall being taken out.  The video was taken off youtube.  JLO, you may escape the media...well actually not since I have this photo...anyway, gravity always wins.
  
  In a unanimous decision, guys the world over voted that Jay-Z is the biggest pussy on the planet.  He performed at a Victoria's Secret show and the models asked if they could have their photos taken with him and HE SAID NO!  He said no out of respect for his wife Beyonce.  OK so maybe that is acceptable.  Wait, isn't the reason people strive to become famous so that they can be photographed with models or are my priorities wrong?  No, Jay-Z is a big pussy but he isn't the world's biggest.  That award goes to Paris Hilton.  You know that is where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.
  
  Last week I posted some photos of a Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair altercation to promote a wrestling match.  Well these are photos from said wrestling match.  I probably would have been more excited for that match if it was 15 years ago.  And since I am such a wrestling fan...THE HULKSTER IS HULKING UP!  WHAT'CHA GONNA DO WHEN THE HULKSTER AND ALL THE LITTLE HULKAMANIACS RUN WILD ALL OVER YOU?  If you answered "pull down a 50+ year old man's wrestling bikini" then you are correct.
  
  Recently, Eva Longoria told people that she and her husband, Tony Parker, only have sex on the weekend.  WHEW!  Thank goodness, I was so worried about Eva's sex life.  You know...what is the point of marriage in that case?  You may as well just be participating in the bar scene.  OK I am cynical since I am single and celibate.
  
  Here we see Don Johnson, Ryan Seacrest, and Larry King clowning around at Larry King's 76th birthday party.  Sadly this was NOT a casting call for a sequel to The Three Amigos.  Damn, I think I just jinxed that movie.  Watch, in a few months I'll be announcing that it is being remade.  But who would be the three amigos...Will Ferrell, Seth Rogen, and Jeremy Piven?
  
  I usually don't do sports here but since Xanga doesn't have an -ish site for sports I'll throw this in.  Chicago Bears wide receiver Devin Hester was pantsed on national TV.  OK that is all, I just thought the ladies may appreciate seeing a bare ass on my blog....eureka...Devin Hester is showing us why he likes playing for the Bares.
  
  There's already a tribute photo to Levi Johnston's Playgirl shoot?  I don't know but I do know that this is Daniel Radcliffe.  I am surprised he was wearing the towel since we all know that Harry Potter likes to display his magic wand.
  
  Guess who is coming to Facebook....COURTNEY LOVE.  It turns out that she got so sick of Twitter that she had to go to Facebook.  She left the privacy of Twitter for the privacy of Facebook.  That means she has spurned Myspace for Twitter and Twitter for Facebook.  What's next?  Xanga?  Actually that would be quite mind-blowing considering these are some of her early posts on Facebook: IF something happens to me, NO my will is NOT at Greenberg Glusker, that will is FORGERY…i created a new one per lISA FERGUSONs attorney who cannot be FOUND but that needs altering as it has Edward in it and Norton doesn’t have a CLUE how evil his own BM is he wont fuck a future Senator/Film Actor but hell purposfully refinance Kim Cobains Property i bought her cash outright, for the 12th time using a phony address due to some fuck up on some Bogus “ART FORM OF THE CH 13” R TODD used, leavng KIM COBAINS PROPERTY REPOS…SESED< “you have an hour to get your things” wtf did Kim Cobain do to YOU… so its best to never tell let alone kiss and trell i m shcoked at myself i never kiss and tell unless im really mad at an ex for like LOSING 300,000$ of my kid hes supposed to be paternal abouts money, oh yeah Norton just LOST 300k.

  No, that is real.  It sort of makes her guest blog on my site look sane.  Actually I wonder if the Rosetta Stone language courses have one for Crackwhore-ese.  Here's some more: britneys dad molested her , imagine the father that molested you owning you for slavery while your forced to sing songs picked for thier sexual content every night, insane right? i have it on First had authority, and fight as hard as she is and does she still didnt pull that card, its a pride thing i can relate to, However they want to play dirty, lets go, Im SO not affraid of the little trolls who hit this when i was fucked up who are called lawyers. lets GO.

  Even though she has that information on First had authority, I think her lawyers at the office of Crack and Pipe are going to be receiving some phone calls.
  
  This was Frances Bean Cobain's reaction to her mother's posts on Facebook.
  
  Christina Applegate, breast cancer survivor, turned 38 this week.  You know earlier I said that I disliked implants, I will make an exception in her case and in the case of any survivors of breast cancer.
  
  Angelina Jolie hates President Barack Obama.  Her hatred for him is so deep that it caused problems in her relationship with Brad Pitt who is a huge fan of the President.  There were so many rumors that Brad and Angelina were finished and wouldn't you know this all went down around the time of the election.  I guess this means Obama is the new Anniston.  I have heard that many lemmings love the president because celebrities adore him.  Now I wonder how many sheep will hate him because they love Angelina Jolie.  It's possible, Eddie Vedder made me care about the environment.
  
  Rupert Murdoch's New York Post recently ran an article detailing how Anderson Cooper is gay and has a love nest in India.  They went on to say that Anderson is in the glass closet meaning everyone can see that he is gay yet he has made no announcement.  Hmmm how is that fair and balanced journalism?  Murdoch's media outlets report things that have no basis or reality?  Yeah and if I hear Anne Coulter refer to President Obama as B. Hussein Obama, I'm going to call her A. Cuntsworth Shitty-writer.
  
  OMG THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US!  At the AMAs Adam Lambert simulated irrumatio on stage during a performance.  The world collapsed upon itself.  People were outraged.  ABC canceled his performance on their morning show.  Lambert then went over to CBS where they censored the images of him kissing another man.  So Adam gave a one finger shout-out to all his haters.  Take that ABC!  Take that CBS!  Take that USA!  Take that homophobes!  Why must people hate irrumatio?
  
  Amy Winehouse has me very conflicted here.
  
  An inside source said that Britney Spears recently proposed to her boyfriend Jason Trawick.  OH GREAT BRITNEY IS GOING TO BE MARRIED AGAIN!  Wait...he turned her down.  Is he daft?  If he married her, he would be set for life after the divorce.  Sure marrying a pop idol for her money can rob you of your dignity but who needs dignity when you can surround yourself with hookers, booze, gambling, and cheesecake 24/7?  Just look at K-Fed.

  I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and has a great weekend.

  • 2:51 AM
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