December 5, 2009

• Celebrity Round-Up 12/4

  It snowed last night; not a lot maybe just an inch.  It made my back yard look like a bunch of crumbled Oreos.  This evening I watched the last episode of Monk and finished up a book called TTFN the sequel to TTYL.  Yes, they are teen books, extremely controversial teen books.  I found TTYL at a banned book sale last year and then I found TTFN at my library.  I thought TTFN was worse as far as subject matter is concerned.  Anyway in that book they mention Xanga and how a bunch of kids got suspended for posting photos of getting drunk.  Strangely, according to Xanga's Wikipedia entry, that has happened quite frequently.

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  Remember last week when I mentioned that Kim Kardashian announced that she met her goal?  Well she finally said what her goal was.  She finally got down to her weight from freshmen year of high school, 109lbs.  That got me thinking if I were to reach that weight...I'd still be fat.  Oh and Kim's next goal?  Finishing freshmen year of high school.
  
  So I don't know if any of you heard this but Tiger Woods got into a car accident last week.  Then it turns out he was also cheating on his wife.  WOW!  Apparently the next day a friend of Tiger's told some people that Tiger called him and said he had to go buy the "Kobe Special".  If you don't remember, Kobe Bryant was accused of sexual assault with a woman who wasn't his wife.  Well he was acquitted but he ended up buying his wife a huge ring.  Tiger said he was planning to go to Zales.  WHAT?  He didn't go to Jared?(god I hate those commercials)  He went to Zales because Zales is the finest of all the mall jewelery stores.  Well Tiger did admit to "transgressions" and it all started to avalanche.  The latest count of women coming forward to say they were with Tiger since his marriage has been three.  One of those women said Tiger had a weird sexual habit.  He liked to scream "It's in the hole!  It's in the hole!"  Wait...I made that up but given the media circus this has become it's not out of the realm of possibility.
  
  UHOH!  Serena Williams had a wardrobe malfunction  I wonder if that "outburst" will get her fined. 
  
  Oh crap, Paris Hilton is the new Mrs. Claus.  Sorry, kids, Santa Claus has herpes and many STIs so Christmas is officially canceled but thankfully you can still celebrate Hanukkah.
  
  I give Padma Lakshmi a tough time.  I criticize her for trying to sound like she knows what she is talking about on Top Chef but this week she said something profound.  She said that she loves to be naked and that clothes are adjectives and being naked is so much better because it makes you raw.  Oh Padma...even though you are not an American, you are an American Hero.  We just need more proof of your commitment to this nakedness...here, here, here(is she Christian?), here, here, here, here, and here!  Oh...I really have a thing for naked ladies.
  
  A while back Oprah announced that next year will be the last year of her talkshow.  There has been much speculation as to what she will do after her show is up.  Many are suggesting that she is going to move her show to her future network the Oprah Winfrey Network.  That isn't the case, her friend Gayle is getting the talkshow on that network.  In the mean time, before Gayle's debut, Oprah is going to move Gayle into her 42 acre estate, The Promised Land, in California.  Wow, with all the lesbian rumors circling, I'm surprised she is moving her "friend" in with her.  Of course the rumors would be even greater if Oprah had named her estate the name she intended, The Beaver Den.
  
  Do I really need to say anything other than Olivia Munn?
  
  Oh Nick Nolte...you're such a snazzy dresser.  I wonder how much money it would take me to look like the A-lister Nick Nolte.  I would hop into the Way-Back Machine to go to 1923 to steal that hat from a paperboy, the shirt looks like it is a roll of wax paper so what $3, the pants look like Walmart brand so $3, and the shoes look like empty Kleenex boxes painted with a Sharpie which would cost $1.  So to look like an A-list celebrity it would cost $7.  How's that for looking hot in a horrible economy?
  
  OMG WHAT A DOUCHE!  Nick Hogan was in a minor car accident this week.  HE STILL HAS A LICENSE?  I guess it's OK that he still can drive, I mean he didn't kill anyone but he just left a passenger in a permanent vegetative state.
  
  I really can't make a joke about Miley Cyrus in this picture although when I first heard Miley was in there it was like a game of Where's Waldo.  Anyway the other Miley news, well I just didn't feel comfortable posting the photo.  A paparazzi caught a snapshot of Miley in a bikini and it turns out that Miley has a tattoo underneath her breast.  It says "Just Breathe".  Hey, I thought you had to be 18 to get a tattoo.  I wonder if the "she has to be legal because she has a tattoo" defense will stand up in court of with Chris Hansen.
  
  Despite being married three times and being in one of the greatest TV marriages, Meredith Baxter Birney announced that she is a lesbian.  Hmmm I guess that means she is a great actress.  If there was anyone in the Keaton family that I would guess would be lesbian it would be Jennifer Keaton....sha-la-la-laaaaa...god I am such a nerd.
  
  Wow, Celebrity Fit Club is working nicely for Kevin Federline.  He looks quite trim.  Too bad his kids won't be able to celebrate Christmas now that he's lost his job as a mall Santa.
  
  You know, Jessica Simpson has taken a lot of crap for her weight.  I think she looks stunning.  Maybe I am just saying that because I know her career is in the crapper.  Her movie that was released straight to DVD had it's name changed for airing on TBS and to make matters worse it aired at 2AM.  Oh hell...I'd love to play with those disco balls.
  
  Maybe the Subway diet doesn't work after all either that or Jared Fogele has been extensively testing Subway's new footlong Chocolate Brownie and Cream Cheese Frosting on Honey Oat bread sub.  You know, I haven't noticed him in many of those commercials lately so...welcome back to the dark side Jared.
  
  Hulk Hogan recently announced that he was going to marry his girlfriend that looks like his daughter.  My question to you: which one is his soon to be wife and which one is his daughter?
  
  I usually put girls on blast(I love that saying "put on blast") for sending nude pics to their significant others.  You usually don't hear about guys getting in trouble doing that.  Well, major league baseball player Grady Sizemore got in a pickle by displaying his pickle for his girlfriend, former Playboy playmate Brittany Binger.  Although he didn't really pose nude, the photos were sexually charged.  And because I love my female readers so much, here's a link to the only website that hasn't taken the pics down.  His girlfriend claims that someone hacked her email and stole the photos.  Grady cried foul and MLB stepped in and started throwing around threats of lawsuits.  The photos wound up first appearing on a site called Guys with iPhones.  Really, who is Grady trying to impress?  Oh and for my female readers, since I won't show my naked bits, here's why I included that douchebag iPhone photo, Guys with iPhones.
  
  Evan Rachel Wood is back dating Marilyn Manson despite him murdering and tearing apart a corpse that resembled her and referring to her as swine.  That guy has got to be the luckiest guy on the planet.  He also dated Dita Von Teese.  What do these women see in him?  He must be some sort of warlock and have them under a spell either that or he has a massive...bank account.  Oh and if someone would explain to me the devil's arthimetic women use to figure out a man's penis size.  I was talking to a nurse and she turned bright red when I told her my shoe size and height.  I don't get it.
  
  The Thanksgiving break was not good for the Hasselhoff children.  EMTs were called to David's house because he was having seizures.  It turns out this medicine he takes to control seizures does not mix well with booze.  His ex-wife, Katherine Bach, was arrested for DUI over the vacation as well.  So I guess the Hasselhoff children have to look on the bright side; they have great Christmas gift ideas.  They can buy David a home stomach pump and Katherine a fashionable monitoring ankle bracelet.
  
  Courtney Love celebrated a traditional Thanksgiving.  She and her band went to a nightclub to drink.  DJ Qualls was sitting next to Courtney and he introduced himself to her.  Courtney being so neighborly asked him to sit in their booth and then she started making out with him.  After they exchanged bodily fluids, Courtney, her band, and her new found love went to a strip club.  The rest was a haze for DJ.  He did wake up in a dumpster with a bad rash...Courtney Love's business card.
  
  Billy Idol turned 54 this week and quite frankly I am shocked.  I just hope he had a great birthday and didn't spend it dancing with himself.
  
  A while back I reported that Anthony Michael Hall got a restraining order from his girlfriend because he beat her.  Turns out that he is off his medicine that controls his bi-polar disorder and when he went to his girlfriend's house he knocked her around a bit and then he bit her in the forehead.  He must have been thinking he was up for an audition to be the new McGruff so he had to take a bite out of crime.  The strange thing is that the case is no longer under investigation.  Those cops must be fans of Weird Science or they are getting the Dog Whisperer to teach Anthony not to bite.
  
  Alec Baldwin recently proclaimed that his film career is a failure.  Yes, that makes me feel good about myself.  Of course it's a failure, Alec, I can't name a single movie you made besides Beetlejuice...actually I am just joking.
  
  Britney Spears turned 28 this week and quite frankly I am shocked.  I pegged her for joining the 27 Forever Club.  Britney, you lost me a lot of money by making it to 28.  Man, 28, she seems so ancient.

  Video Section:
  A video surfaced this week of Marilyn Monroe smoking weed.  I guess Some Like it Green...lame I know it was either that or All About Weed, Gentlemen Prefer Bongs, Lets Make it Legal, or The Seven Year Toke.
  
  Pete Doherty nearly caused an international incident by performing a Nazi anthem at a concert in Germany.  Does he have no brain?  Wait, he does but it is fried from all the crack and heroin.  It doesn't happen until the near end.  All I know is that you don't piss off Germans.
  
  Jesse Ventura got pissed on the Opie and Anthony Show.  We need Jesse to be back in major office except he needs to drop the Truth Movement.
  

  I hope everyone has an excellent weekend.

  • 1:18 AM
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