December 13, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 12/11

  Sorry I didn't post this last night.  I think my body got the best of my insomniac ways and made me crash last night.  I sat down to watch some basketball at 8:30PM and I was probably out as soon as I sat down.  The next thing I know it's 2:30.  I look around in disbelief and shut off my lights and TV and go back to my recliner to sleep.  I had some strange dreams that involved me being drugged by a Satanic cult and fighting said cult with the help of a local dentist.  We had our own theme music.  I was going to go shopping today but my cats are having strange reactions to their vaccines so I stayed home to make sure they were alright.  Oh well, for every one item I buy for someone else I'd probably buy two for me.  Anyway I put up decorations but then I stopped to lay down and pet a cat and the next thing I know 2 hours have passed.  Maybe I am narcoleptic.

  Some images may not be safe for work or for life.  And remember the secret word for the day is "jerked".  When you hear the secret word of the day, I want you to scream real loud.
  
  WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SANDIEGO!  Here we see Carmen SanDiego Victoria Beckham scoping out her next big heist.   My informants said she was trying to steal the Great Wall of China with a crane.  I better get a warrant from the chief.  How can she escape the gumshoes in those heels?  God I am such a nerd.
  
  VH-1 has announced their next dating show.  It's called "Frank the Entertainer in a Basement Affair".  Oh it looks like they are scraping the bottom of the barrel for this show.  That being said...I will probably watch the hell out of that show.  There is just something about this For the Love of Ray J that I find unappealing.  Maybe it is because none of the cast look like they have lived at a bus station or gained a nickname "Crusty" because of all the bodily fluid stains on a sweater she wore every night when going to the casino to turn tricks.  Here's the website with photos of the contestants.  My money is on the girl with the kefiyah.  Why do most of those girls look like Jersey Shore rejects?
  
  Uma Thurman split with her billionaire fiance.  The reason was her children.  See he is from Switzerland and her kids live in New York City and she couldn't be that far apart from them.  So this is my first Christmas present.  He supposedly gave her an 8 carat diamond engagement ring.  When Uma gets with me, her and I are heading to the pawn shop to see how much we can get for it.
  
  Sometimes I think that Tom Cruise is living vicariously through Suri.  You know he wants to dress up like that and dance the paso doble.  Either that or he treats her like a princess because he thinks she is the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.  Hmmm people have actually said he thinks that but I want to one day find photos of Cruise dressed as a senorita...Dear Santa...
  
  Lesbian Love Triangle...those three words made every male's ears perk up.  Tila Tequila made an announcement via Twitter that she had a big surprise on her blog.  The surprise was that she was engaged to Casey Johnson, heiress to the Johnson & Johnson company.  I was going to include a story about Casey last week but even I found it too vile.  She broke up with some girl and snuck into her house and did naughty things with the girl's battery operated boyfriend.  Anyway this engagement story is being called a sham by Courtenay Shemel, Tila and Casey's ex.  She claims this is nothing more than a publicity stunt.  The words "publicity stunt" and Tila Tequila do NOT mix.  Tila said yes to a winner Courtenay claims that Casey is broke and lost custody of her adopted daughter.  Tila and Casey plan on getting married in Massachusetts.  Here comes MTV's next reality series.
  
  You know, I'm giving up with Tiger Woods.  All I'm going to say is that guys, if you and your significant other went to a PGA event or even watched golf, you better ask if she slept with Tiger because Tiger didn't believe in covering his club before he putted.
  
  Tiger, this is your wife.  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  If you don't want her, well I'm available but of course she'll have to give up the notion of eating at world class restaurants and settle for Ramen and Kool Aide.
  
  Rivers Cuomo suffered minor injuries after the Weezer tour bus hit ice and slid off the road.  He suffered 3 cracked ribs and bruises and abrasions to his leg.  Thankfully no one else was hurt and that includes his wife and 2 year old daughter.  Weezer has canceled their tour so Rivers can recuperate.  Get well, Rivers.  No, I don't believe in the GodfatherofGreenBay curse.  Just because I write a curse about his album Pinkerton and a few days later he has this accident doesn't mean I am cursed.  Maybe just in case I will write about a person on Xanga, the first person that I have came to dislike and find nothing good in them.  Oh and I plan on blocking her and all her friends tomorrow.
  
  Paul Reubens or as he'll forever be known, Pee Wee Herman, public masturbator, is returning to his character and will be doing stage shows.  The stage show will be based on the old show Pee Wee's Playhouse and will include several of the actors who were on the original series.  I wonder if Laurence Fishburne will leave his role on CSI to reprise Cowboy Curtis.  Pee Wee also plans on making a movie eventually.  Honestly, who cares if he exposed lil' Pee Wee.  Let he who has not jerked (AHAHAHBHAHAHAHHAHAHWHHAHSHAHAHAH...the secret word of the day) it, cast the first stone.
  
  I am not sure why Pamela Anderson needs The Big Penis Book in her library, which is conveniently located next to her toilet.  If she wants to enjoy a big penis then she should just open up her family photo albums or home videos.  And you thought I was going to make a comment about her coming to see me....no, there are no books dedicated to me.
  
  Poor Pam...she owes nearly $2million in back taxes.  In 1990, Pamela could have auctioned off a beej for that much money.  Now it would take about 8 million beejs to get that much money.  Unlike all the other money she has acquired over her career, Pamela may have to earn this amount.
  
  Oh Olivia Mun...words are not needed.
  
  Merry Christmas!  Happy Birthday, Jesus!  Miley wore this ensemble for a Christmas party.  And people wonder why our children are oversexed these days.  Later after this party, Miley and her teen pals tried getting into a 21+ nightclub.  The owner, manager and doorman would not let them in.  They probably didn't want Miley in there doing lines of coke in the public bathroom.  KIDDING!  We all know that Miley refuses to use public bathrooms.  That's so gross.
  
  Miley will not be joining the Rock of Love Bus cast.  She's only 17.  She is collaborating with Bret Michaels on doing a cover of "Every Rose has a Thorn".  Hmmm Miley is going to sing "Every Rose has a Thorn"?  That's fitting since most of her songs sound like thorns are scraping the insides of my ears.  Oh and Bret Michaels will just wait this year out.
  
  Mickey Rourke is marrying a Russian supermodel in Russia in the upcoming months.  I guess that's pretty common when ordering mail order brides from a catalog.  The reason why he is going to Russia to marry her is because he always wanted a 100 proo vodka wedding cake.  Who can blame him?  When I get married I want a champagne fountain but instead of champagne I want scotch or brandy or Jaegermeister.
  
  OK here's a shot from the Levi Johnston Playgirl shoot that didn't make the cut.  You know he is overcompensating by using the hockey gloves.  Oh the lengths I will go to please my female readers.  Ha...lengths.
  
  Lady Gaga met the Queen of England.  Seriously, that is what she wore?  What the hell?  Can't the Queen have her locked up and tortured in the Tower of London?  Please.
  
  Kendra Wilkinson and her husband Hank Baskett welcomed a baby boy into the world this week.  They named their son Hank Baskett IV.  Wow, Kendra proved me wrong.  Here I was expecting her to name her son Bubbles or Hugh Jr.  I know I've expressed my concern about her taking care of a baby.  Even though her baby has a slightly higher IQ than her, she has experience changing diapers and wiping up drool after dating Hugh Hefner all those years.  She's used to mother so don't worry.
  
  Katy Perry posted this photo on Twitter.  I am trying to translate the message she is trying to convey here.  Is it "the spirit of Christmas"?  How about "being with family at the holidays is important"?  Quite possibly it could be a way of retelling the account of the birth of Christ.  No, I got it!  It's "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!"  Yes, I'm looking.
  
  I am starting to warm up to Katherine Heigl.  She and her foundation saved 25 Chihuahuas this week.  Apparently since this recession hit and since Chihuahuas in side purses have gone out of style, animal shelters are filled with them.  You know, that was a nice act.  Maybe she should receive the next Nobel Peace Prize.
  
  While promoting Public Enemies in Japan, Johnny Depp admitted that he doesn't watch his own movies.  He did say that he heard good things about Public Enemies.  I can't wait to get the DVD so I can see all the places where they filmed.  A few scenes were filmed in my stomping grounds.  After the premiere Johnny Depp is set to work with Tim Burton on a big screen adaptation of Dark Shadows...OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!  That is a tv show worth giving the film treatment.  Screw Twilight, Barnabas Collins will kick their sparkly asses.
  
  John Malkovich turned 56 this week.  Hopefully that jacket will live on through the ages.  I need to go to my local tailor to find one for myself.
  
  Jessica Simpson is supposedly dating Billy Corgan.  Maybe now the Dallas Cowboys will win.  Hopefully it doesn't ruin Billy's career.  People claim that Jessica goes through a lot of guys.  She does fall in love with people quickly but truth be told, you could probably place a rock next to her and she would fall in love with it.
  
  Here's a little eye candy for the ladies.  Cristiano Renaldo tore his shirt off in a soccer match when he was given a yellow card.  I wonder what he does when he scores a goal.
  
  Coco's understated elegance is a reflection of her inner beauty and should serve as an example to young women world wide...that is a sentence that will never be said about Coco.  Damn, I should write that down so I can say that to any girl that wants to put up with me for more than 15 minutes.
  
  You know, Christina Hendriks from Mad Men is a very talented  boobs boobs boobs boobs BOOBS!
  
  Come on ladies, you know you want Carrot Top with his painted on eyebrows and clip on tie with t-shirt.
  
  Bruce Springsteen is urging people in New Jersey to get their lawmakers to vote for marriage equal for gays.  You know, New Jersey ought to pass a marriage equality bill as a way to apologize for Jersey Shore.  Why is Bruce Springsteen behind this?  Well, he's The Boss and what The Boss says, goes. 
  
  Bai Ling sure knows how to wear a sweater, if that is what you call that article of clothing.  I wonder if she is cold.
  
  Adrienne Curry posted these photos via Twitter.  She said that she likes to play World of Warcraft in the nude.  If that is the case then maybe I will join.  She just does it to drive all those 13 year old boys crazy.  Hmm I guess the people of World of Warcraft wouldn't let me join because the world doesn't need me playing in the nude.  Thank god, Xanga lets me blog in the nude.  Oh and that blue thing...is that what I think it is?  If so, that is very hot.
  
  Britney Spears may soon be getting her independence.  She will be take control of her career and money from her father.  If that happens you can be guaranteed of two things:  any story of her in the Round Up will be able to write itself and I have always wanted to see a life-size replica of the Eiffel Tower made completely out of Cheetos and empty Starbucks cups.    Here it looks like Britney is getting her career back on track by auditioning for a 1980s hair metal video.
  
  Speaking of auditions, it looks like Britney is trying out for Spiderman 4.  No word on whether she was auditioning for the role of Spiderman or the web with which he entraps his enemies.

  Video Section
  My long lost twin brother appear on Der Supertalent...Germany's version of America's Got Talent.  Why yes, we both look like fat George Costanzas and we both dig the disco scene.

  
  Supertalent-Halbfinale - Oliver Römer singt Discotizer
  by ppostmaster

  I know I said I gave up on Tiger Woods but I have obtained an advanced copy of his sex tape.
  
  EMBED-Leaked Tiger Woods Mistress Sex Tape - Watch more free videos
  I hope everyone is having a great weekend.  I don't want to be an old man anymore, it's been a year or two since I was out on the floor shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night, it's time I got back to the good life.

  • 12:23 AM
  • 36 Comments