June 10, 2010

• The Xenophobe's Guide to the World Cup

  Because I am an American and the U.S. is in the World Cup, the only team that matters is the U.S.  Not only will this be a xenophobic guide to the World Cup but also it's a guide for those who failed history class.

  

  The U.S. is in Group C.  I have a problem with them being in a group named "C".  That denotes we are average.  The United States isn't just average, we're the best.  We should be in our own group since all the nations around the world ask us for help in their times of struggle.  Hell, they should just hand us the World Cup on a platter because we are the masters of this world.  Does it matter that I can't name one U.S. player?  Hell, no!  We're the United Fucking States and we will be victorious!

  Game 1 U.S.A vs England June 12 1:30PM CST televised on ABC
  Oh so the English hate us so much that they have taken to the streets of Liverpool and are burning our flag.  Do you see our government stepping in and bombing the shit out of England because they are responsible for the oil spill in the Gulf of America?  No, we are a peace loving people and our government does jack shit despite it being the best government in the galaxy.  England is going to beg us to stop the onslaught of goal after goal just like they begged us to help them after the Germans bombed London.  Did you see us begging for help after the Japanese bombed Washington D.C.?  No, we're Americans.  We hiked up our sleeves and beat their asses.  Look out, Wayne Rooney is turning red.  I bet it's because he's a commie because they have national health care over there.  The English better remember the beating they got after making us their subjects and burning down our capitol, New York.  What has England done for the world?  I can only think of five things: "The Office", "All in the Family", the Bible, The Beatles, and The Rolling Stones.  After the ass-kicking the Yanks unleash, the English will go back to their huts and contemplate dental care and think up good sitcoms for American viewers while sipping their tea.

  Game 2 U.S.A. vs Slovenia June 18 9AM CST televised on ESPN and Univision
  Can a country that I can't find on the map be an actual threat?  If you can find it can you actually pronounce the name of their capitol?  I bet the U.S. has helped them out of plenty of tight spots but no aid package will help them escape a sure defeat.  I know the next bailout the U.S. should hand out.  They need to send some vowels to Slovenia...thank you The Onion. 

  Game 3 U.S.A. vs Algeria June 23 9AM CST televised on EPSN
  This will be the easiest match for the U.S. to win.  Why am I so sure?  Well in something like 1800 the French invaded Algeria and conquered it.  That's right, the limp wristed, chain smoking, hands in the air to show constant surrender, not showering, French defeated them.  How the hell do they expect to play defense against the United States.  You know Algeria's biggest claim to fame in the economic arena is oil.  I bet they think they fuel the U.S.  Well I have three words for them goofs: DRILL BABY DRILL!  They also think they are so great offering the world an olive spread but the funny thing is to get anyone to buy it they have to give it an Italian name.  I went to wikipedia and found the national motto of Algeria is الجمهورية الجزائرية الديمقراطية الشّعبية بالشّعب وللشّعب  What the hell sort of motto is that?  It looks like something a preschooler writes when they are pretending to sign the Declaration of Independence.  They should try something more American like our motto: E Pluribus Unum.  One thing I have to give credit to Algeria for having is no freedom of religion but if I actually gave them credit for that, I'd have to hang myself because that is treason.

  Even though this is just the preview for the group play, you know damn well the U.S. is going to win it all.

  • 4:23 PM
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