June 13, 2010

• Celebrity Round-Up 6/11/10

  Yes,  it's a little late but I had a busy weekend.  Friday morning I woke up and I was in such a pissy mood and I think it was because of a dream, a lame dream at that.  It revolved around Xanga.  God, I am addicted once again and quite possibly Xangay.  Somehow Xanga decided that I was going to be the poster boy and go on a sponsored trip to find all my friends.  I think it was a payback for their lackluster service.  Anyway I was visiting a Xanga crush and she somehow knew that I was crushing on her.  We were sitting and talking when all of a sudden another Xangan walked in and she said, "OH great my boyfriend is here."  Saliva was exchanged and breasts were groped as I sat in the chair.  I got up to leave and she didn't know that a window was open.  I heard her say, "God, what a loser." And then she paid the guy for pretending to be her boyfriend.  I literally woke up to realizations about myself.

  Saturday there was a huge Czechoslovakian celebration in my town.  I tried to gather a few German friends and break out our brown shirts so we could demand that the celebration be given to us.  Well I never got that ball rolling.  My dad played his accordion for some Czech singing or polka group and they gave him a gift for his service.  It was a misspelled teddy bear.  The misspelled ones were given as gifts but the properly spelled bears were sold.  He showed me the bear and it had a tag saying it was made by a prisoner at a local facility.  I got thinking how this was a horrible idea to have the inmates of said facility making teddy bears.  It's a prison for sex offenders. 

  I went to a Mexican restaurant and ate myself silly and then saw a chain video store I used to frequent is closing.  By the time I got home I was exhausted.  Anyway...here's the round-up and as always some images are not safe for work or life...NSFW-NSFL
  
  Victoria Silverstedt is a advertising campaign unto herself.  The only way she could advertise any greater would be if she had a neon sign over her with a price list.
  
  Celebrity Rehab has been put on hold because they could get enough star power to have people interested.  What do you mean "star power"?  Tila Tequila had her own reality show that in the second season suffered such horrible ratings that no one really cared.  Another thing, who wants to do a show where a celebrity goes on air to reveal all their skeletons in their closet?  Oh yeah...washed up celebrities.  I think the best thing the people of VH-1 could do is to drop Tila off at a real rehab facility so that she would scare all the addicts straight.
  
  Suri Cruise is better than you.  She has her own iPad.
  
  An MTV production assistant spilled a bit of information that for a long time thought had to be transpiring.  Apparently cast members of all the MTV reality shows are given Valtrex, herpes medication, like they are M&Ms.  Is this really surprising?  I mean look at Jersey Shore and Real World.  The guys stick their dicks in anything with a pulse.  To benefit mankind, the production assistants should be handing out guns.
  
  God...Amy Winehouse has let herself go.  Actually it's Russell Brand and you're welcome ladies.
  
  The summer of death continues.  Rue McLanahan has died at the age of 76.  She will be greatly missed.  This means that Betty White is the last remaining Golden Girl.  Everyone, form a protective circle around Betty.  Oh and Betty had this to say about Rue's passing:  "Rue was a close and dear friend. I treasure our relationship. It hurts more than I ever thought it would, if that's even possible."
  
  What the hell?  I don't know if I want to shave Rihanna's head or dip french fries in her hair.  The more I stare at her hair, the more I feel like I am looking at a dick.
  
  Hey...Paris Hilton got a droopy implant to match her droopy eye.
  
  FRAUD!  Olivia Munn revealed that she did not pose nude in her latest ad for PETA but was wearing clothes.  How can I support animal rights when she is clothed?  People will not stop wearing fur no matter how much PETA advertises and the best example is Kathy Griffin but that is only because she is afraid of razors.
  
  How is this legal?  33 months ago Nick Hogan had a car accident and his passenger is still in a vegetative coma.  Nick is back to racing.  I guess he completely forgot how his friend now has to shit in a bag while he is negotiating a corner at 80mph.  I hate this guy, can't you tell?
  
  Miley Cyrus caused a bit of a stir.  In some it was shock and in others it was a stir below the belt.  She kissed one of her back-up dancers who just happens to be female.  Mickey Mouse is so disappointed.  One of his hoes has let him down.  I can't understand why Miley does these things which she probably knows will cause problems.  Of course she's probably doing them for the attention.  The strange thing is, I sort of agree with Miley's blog.  The world does need more peace and we can attain that peace once Miley has her jaw wired shut.
  
  An unknown female named Miley Cyrus walked into a clinic in London last week.  Miley really is a master of disguise because she claims for the first time in her life she is "normal".  I guess normal 17 year olds own their own house and live with their boyfriend.  I have a costume suggestion for Miley.  She should wear a unicorn horn the next time she has to go to the clinic to pick up her Plan B.
  
  So this feels illegal and the terms of my future parole prevent me from making further comment.
  
  This is Masuimi Max.  She is an American fetish model of German and Korean descent.  I just thought you might like to know.  DEUTSCHLAND ÜBER ALLES!
  
  Marky Mark turned 39 recently and to celebrate he grabbed his dick...COME ON COME ON!  You're welcome, ladies.
  
  Evan Rachel Woods is dating Marilyn Manson...again.  What does he have that I don't?  Oh yeah, he's a priest in the church of Satan and he has millions of dollars.  Damn...foiled again.
  
  Here is a description of Lindsay Lohan's new movie from the New York Post: Lindsay Lohan will be thoroughly degraded as "Deep Throat" porn star Linda Lovelace in the controversial upcoming movie "Inferno," according to Aerik Von, an employee of fetish Web site deadlydommes.com who claims to have read the screenplay.  Calling it akin to a "Lifetime horror film," Von told The Post's Mandy Stadtmiller that Lovelace's former husband, the legendarily brutal Chuck Traynor, is depicted as psychologically and physically torturing Lohan's character.  Before Traynor turns Lovelace into a hooker, he forces her into a gang-rape scenario with several businessmen -- one of whom hums a tune from "Mary Poppins" while fondling her breast.  Von says, "The movie's obviously designed to just outright disturb [with] the combination of childhood imagery and absolute outright depraved perversions."

  "Outright depraved perversion" and freaky sex with multiple partners? That doesn't sound like a script, that sounds like Lindsay's early-20s. Honestly, because her acting is going to be so damn convincing in this film, I wouldn't be surprised if Lindsay won 13 Oscars for this role. Meryl Streep better watch out.
  
  Lindsay was bailed out again after an arrest warrant was issued because her SCRAM bracelet was activated when it detected alcohol last weekend at the MTV Awards.  Her mom claims that someone spilled a drink on her bracelet.  What the fuck is wrong with that family?
  
  This is Lena Meyer Landrut.  She won the Eurovision contest for best song or something.  I don't know because normally I don't listen to music like that but when I saw her sing and celebrate she stole my hard-on heart.
  
  Wow...Lance Bass sure has come a long ways since 'N Sync.  He looks like one of Robert Palmer's back-up dancers who stole Christina Aguilera's make-up.
  
  Lady Gaga wore this outfit to her sister's high school graduation.  All I can think is: MORTAL KOMBAT!  Doesn't she look like Raiden?  If you are a Lady Gaga fan, do yourself a favor and find a time-machine and go back to 1985 and look for someone named Madonna.  Could you imagine sitting behind her at the graduation ceremony?
  
  Usually I don't have anything good to say about Kristen Stewart so here is some cleavage to get your motors going.  Oh I almost forgot...a rape-survival group lashed back at Kristen's comment that she felt like she was being raped by the paparazzi because they take her photograph.  Kristen apologized.  Maybe I shouldn't have used this photo.
  
  Here we see Kim Kardashian with a mystery man that some people are claiming is her new boyfriend.  I don't buy it because something seems off about him compared to Kim's other boyfriends.  He's not a rapper or an NFL star.
  
  Katy Perry performed at the MTV movie awards.  And the winner is...let me open the envelope...US!  Hooray for boobs!
  
  Kate Moss recently spent another typical Memorial Day weekend at the beach.  I guess it would have been odd if she was wearing a top.
  
  Johnny Depp turned 47 recently despite my attempt to make people believe he died.  Shortly after this photo was taken, the dog bit him, which caused Depp to turn "dark" and then he sacrificed the dog.  So I lied...I'm just jealous.
  
  Jason Bateman and Dustin Hoffman were at the NBA Finals and they showed Miley Cyrus how to properly do a same-sex kiss.  You know what...Foreigner can finally quit singing "I Want to Know What Love is" because this is the textbook definition.
  
  Wow...Jennifer Aniston sure has let herself go.  Actually it's Iggy Pop but the funny thing about this is, recently George Clooney's fiance posted a message on Twitter saying that Jennifer looked just like Iggy Pop.  I don't know who should be more insulted.  Jennifer or Iggy? 
  
  HELLO...kitty...wow, Hayden Panettiere is just so perfect.  Too bad I won't get to see her on Heroes any longer.  Damn you, NBC!
  
  At the time of his death, Gary Coleman was divorced from Shannon Price.  Things aren't adding up with this.  I heard the 911 tape and she is such a cunt not wanting to check on him because there is blood every where.  In an interview after the death she first said that doctors advised her to pull the plug on Gary because they say he would have bled to death during surgery and then she says that she pulled the plug because she didn't want him to be a vegetable.  She also claimed in her interview that she hates the fact that people are claiming she pushed him down the stairs.  NO ONE ACCUSED HER OF PUSHING HIM DOWN STAIRS!  Lately she has seemed more interested in defending herself than mourning her ex-husband.  Also while Gary was on life support she hired a photo crew to come in and take photos so she could sell them to tabloids.  What...the...fuck?
  
  This...is totally tasteless.  If God is just, he'll hit this bitch with a bus tomorrow and dump her ass on Satan's doorstep.
  
  Dennis Hopper died at age 74 after a long battle with cancer.  He will be greatly missed and hopefully not remembered for being King Koopa.  Either way...pour out a PBR in his honor.
  
  Demi Moore recently said that the way women can keep their men happy and how older women can keep younger lovers from straying is to always be willing to have sex and have soft amber lights installed in the bedroom.  I'm not a doctor but I'm fairly certain that Demi is on the right track.  There are certain types of jobs a woman could do to please her man...ironing and cooking?  Just kidding...is there any wonder why I am single and my dream Xanga crush pays someone to pretend to be a significant other?
  
  You know Courtney Love actually looks acceptable and no, she's not holding a gun to my head.  I also want to say she looks awfully calm but that's probably all the gorilla sedatives she takes.
  
  I am beginning to think that Coco's sole purpose in life is to show off every square inch of her skin from every angle possible one photo posted on Twitter at a time.  Thank god for Twitter.
  
  Officials in Great Britain denied Chris Brown entrance into their country because of his recent crime.  To show what a big man he is, Chris canceled his entire tour.  Poor Chris Brown, he beats the crap out of Rihanna and he can't get into the UK.  Damn, life is tough.  But you know who else the UK didn't let enter their country?  Hitler.  I'm not sure if there is a connection but I'm sure there is.  Chris Brown hates women as did Hitler.  Chris Brown wears pants as did Hitler.  Yes, there is a connection.  Now if we could just find out if Chris Brown enjoys women defecating upon his chest.
  
  Canada's greatest export, Celine Dion, announced she is pregnant with twins.  So I guess this means that you have a couple drinks so it dulls your senses so you can tolerate her music and then you raise a glass of whatever it is you drink in her honor.
  
  Here we see Carrie Underwood running away from all my advances.  It's just as good, I hate her music anyway.
  
  Bam Margera was taken to a hospital after a woman hit him in the head with a baseball bat at his bar.  Apparently she got upset and hit Bam in the back of the head.  His condition has not been released by the hospital.  At first I thought this was part of a new effort to get on TV again in his own show or Celebrity Rehab but the police charged the woman with assault so I doubt it's an act.  You know people might read this and think "Man, when I was a kid things weren't that complicated."  I offer a story of of how I broke up with my girlfriend one winter morning and she got so upset as I walked away from her house that she chased me down and walloped me over the head with a snow shovel.  Being 5 sucked for me.
  
  Amy Winehouse finally broke up with her boyfriend/husband Blake and she has already found herself a rebound boyfriend.  For a while Amy was looking decent and not like this, the skanky sorority girl with a fake ID.  If she keeps this up expect her to be in an upcoming issue of Playboy's Beauties of Crack.
  
  Ali Ollie Woodson of The Four Tops died at the age of 58.  He will be greatly missed.  He made me ask myself, "Are you Man Enough?"
  
  This is a first.  Adrienne Curry let someone else take her photo but what is normal is that she posted this to Twitter.  I'm beginning to think Twitter is quite an awesome place for soft-softcore porn.

  Video Section:
  I don't know if anyone here follows trends in porn movies.  Lately the trend is to make movie parodies of classic TV shows.  Well here's the safe for work trailer for a porn based on the Golden Girls.  It's what the porn industry calls a "MILF film".  I think they should call it "Thank You for Doing My Friend".  I laughed at the theme song...too funny.
  
  Sorry about how long this is...not often I get to apologize for that...I hope you enjoyed your weekend.

  • 6:56 PM
  • 32 Comments