June 24, 2010

  • Modern Romance

    Dear Reader,
    I am in the midst of a mid-life crisis and I believe that I must find someone who will care for me but most importantly someone whom I can lavish with all the affection that is humanly possible without being sent to prison.  See, I need to find a wife so that when I am old and decrepit I will have some one to spoon feed me and change my diapers.  I figure that since I have accumulated so much time here on Xanga that I have missed the boat in hopes of having a relationship with a woman outside the internet so I write in order that I may find my eternal, internet bride.

    I used to write a series of sappy love entries where I would talk about what I would do for my girl.  Sure I had a few offers of marriage from those entries but I was so immature when I wrote them and I toyed with those girls' minds.  Now that I am mature, I am in desperate need of human contact.  I will have to start my own Xanga contest in which I find my bride.  Will you enter?

    http://www.cracked.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/baby_flipping_bird.jpg
    Dear Reader, aren't I cute?

    Just so you know what you'll get if you're my bride...
    I'm the only Xangan who'll:

                            Leave a seat for you…… ¦Þ

                            motorboat your personality

                            look you in the eyes during a whoopee making session

                            talk your dad into letting you date me

                            leave the fan on in the bathroom so your nose isn't offended

                            admit his life mission is to get blown like a Nintendo cartridge

                            won't draw graffiti on you when you pass out

                            use Nair for you

                            hold your hand and purse at a biker bar

                            pretend he didn't hear the queef

    not care that your mom is in the other room and whether or not she can hear us

    sleep in the wet spot

    not tell anyone about the time you tried to make out with that homeless guy

    hold your purse when you go shopping

    hold your hair when you are throwing up

    cuddle with you and spoon

    accept your mom's friend request on Facebook

    take down my Scarface poster for you

    want to be more than friends with benefits

    smell test your clothes to see if they are clean

    help you hide a body

    DP you with just myself

    tea bag a shark for you

    slap my dick thigh to thigh just like the drum thing in Karate Kid 2

    teach you to go “up the river” and never “across the street”

    go halfsies on those special procedures

    play the drums for Bel Biv Deboe’s “Poison” on my stomach

    be your study-buddy for a pregnancy test

    admit they are strong enough for a man but built for a woman

    think of you while I have “private time”

    that will say he loves you…giggle

    tuck and untuck for you with no hands

    never pee in the pool

    never shy away from an erection that you caused

    never ask to kiss his pooch if he licks your kitten

    ask if it’s ok to date one of your friends after we’ve broken up

    stop calling his crotch “Fornication Festival”

    apologize for my drunken antics

    put your name inside a heart in my Trapper Keeper

    love you even if you don’t love me

    say he loves your boobs

    sit through one of your chick-flicks as long as I get compensated

    admit that you always have me at ¾ erect

    whisper that he doesn’t believe in karma but loves you and the kama sutra

    put out before the first date

    introduce you to my “Vlad the Impaler”

    “accidentally” brush up against you just to feel your luscious breasts

    Give you mouth hugs

    Tea-bag you with a sugar coated bag

    Never force you into a threesome unless it’s you, me and a friend doing the dishes

    Take a time out from a whoopee making session to use my inhaler

    Paint my thingee red if you are a true doggystyle aficionado

    Vote for you in Xanga’s popularity contest and actually care about you afterward.

    Be like crayola

    Dear reader, am I a catch or what? Will you marry me?

    By the way, I took such a massive shit this morning that it clogged my toilet and I had to use a plunger.  After I thought I had it unclogged, I gave it another flush and it clogged again.  I felt 20 pounds lighter.  Does this ever happen to you? 

    Winner of the Godfather's search for an internet bride will receive an autographed photo and a husband.

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