June 26, 2010

• Celebrity Round-Up 6/25/10

  DAMN!  USA loses.  Honestly, I'm embarrassed.  Well now it's time to cheer on the vaterland...DEUTSCHLAND ÜBER ALLES!  I'm feeling a little better.  I turned my house into a sauna.  I shut all the windows except in the bedroom where my cats are sleeping.  The heat in here is intense but it is helping me get unclogged.  Just a reminder...some images may not be safe for work or for life NSFW and NSFL.
  
  My early wet dreams are partially coming true.  Tiffany and Debbie Gibson will be starring in a movie together albeit a SyFy original movie titled "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid".  So this has me thinking, who will be the two female singers that ten years from now will star in the sequel?  Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera?  Lady Gaga and Ke$ha?  Vitamin C and Hoku?
  
  Oh man, Taylor Momsen is so edgy!  She has an attitude AND cigarettes.  I be no one else is that edgy at her high school.  You know what else is edgy?  Lung cancer...Taylor, smoke up!  You need to maintain your edginess.
  
  Selma Blair turned 38 this week.  Not that I am a huge Selma Blair fan but it gives me an excuse to post a photo of her from John Waters' "A Dirty Shame".  God bless, John Waters' smutty soul.  I will always love that movie and forget that Selma Blair was in the abomination that was NBC's version of Kath & Kim.
  
  Twilight fans or Twihards let the fapping commence.  An ancestry agency claims to have traced Robert Pattison's line back to the real Count Dracula otherwise known as Vlad the Impaler.  That is sort of shocking to me.  I was halfway expecting him to be related to GLAAD the Impaler.
  
  This is Rima Fakih.  She's Miss USA or some such nonsense like that.  She looks great not only on a stripper pole but also in a bikini.  She did a photo shoot in preparation for the Miss Universe competition.  Why is this news?  Why am I not talking about how General Petraeus told FOX News how he plans to change the rules of engagement in Afghanistan?  Well, Petraeus doesn't look good in a bikini so Rima is more newsworthy.
  
  This may be the most shocking news I have ever heard about Richard Simmons.  A former gay porn star, Bruce Headrick, claims that when he was also being a paid escort, he had sex with Richard Simmons.  Headrick's agent set him up with Simmons and when he arrived at Richard's place, Simmons came out and said, "We'll have to be quiet.  My mother's upstairs."  Is it a shock that Richard Simmons pays for sex?  He looks like the cross between Clint Howard and a Chia Pet.  I wouldn't know if I should ask for an autograph or water him.  I don't know why but I want to know if Richard popped in an oldies CD while they got it on.  Maybe if they filmed it, Richard's sextape could be called "Blowin' to the Oldies".
  
  Lindsay Lohan may be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.  When she found out that the "stars" got paid, she was all for it.  I wonder if this would be a good idea since she can't walk out of a nightclub without falling on her ass.  Also that SCRAM bracelet could throw off her balance.  Have you noticed that the quality of "stars" on that show has been in a decline?  If they wanted someone less coordinated in dancing they should travel back in time and get the high school me from one of my school dances.
  
  Paris Hilton is one of the only people in Hollywood worried about Lindsay Lohan.  Apparently they made up after their "feud" which saw Paris use the term "fire crotch" in a hateful way.  Who cares if Lindsay is a fire crotch because of her red hair?  I'd be more concerned with Paris having a fire crotch because of all the burning.  Anyway Paris is trying to get Lindsay help.  I'm happy that someone is helping Lindsay but that is sort of like Michael Moore asking Jabba the Hut for dieting tips.  Lindsay needs someone more stable than Paris someone like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
  
  This week Megan Fox got a new tattoo, one that honors Mickey Rourke.  She said she got it because she adores him.  A more fitting Mickey Rourke tribute would be to start smoking 50 packs of cigarettes a day and put them out on your face so that way you can look and sound just like him. 
  
  Speaking of Mickey...he cut his hair.  If it wasn't for the fact that his old hair was so oily, I bet that mane could singlehandedly soak up all the oil in the Gulf of Mexico.  You know what...Mickey looks like a non-zombie.  Good job!
  
  The shit is hitting the proverbial fan.  All hell is breaking loose in Mel Gibson's life.  He and girlfriend Oksana something or other broke up a while ago but just recently Mel filed a restraining order against her.  It all results from an incident in January.  Mel claims that Oksana left their house with their daughter and Oksana threw herself to the ground and came back inside and started shaking their baby so Mel had to get violent to save his child.  Oksana says that he pushed her and shook her while she was clutching the child.  She also has a restraining order against Mel and she claims that she recorded his verbal and physical abuse to her and their child but it isn't being released because Mel filed the restraining order.  How the hell does Mel Gibson go from ripping off women's panties with the wink of an eye to this?  OK so what is the good news in this?  Mel's restraining order against sanity is still in full-effect. 
  
  Lady Gaga HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
  
  Yes, now you can own your very own Lady Gaga sex doll.  I have come to believe that the sex doll industry is more complex than NASA.  As long as the doll doesn't sing then I am OK.
  
  A couple of weeks ago Lady Gaga went to a Mets baseball game and they gave her Jerry Seinfeld's box seats.  He was not happy.  He was on a sports show and said: “This woman is a jerk. I hate her. I can’t believe they put her in my box, which I paid for. You give people the finger and you get upgraded? Is that the world we’re living in now? Why is she giving the finger? How old is the finger? How’d it even get to be the finger? I don't know what these young people think or how they promote their careers.  I'm older, I'm 56. I look at Lady Gaga the way Keith Hernandez watches these kids when they pull the pocket out, they wear the inside-out pocket. ... Do you think he understands that? He can't understand that. That's a new game, that's kids. I'm not one of these all-publicity-is-good people. People talk about you need exposure -- you could die of exposure. She is talented. I don’t know why she’s doing this stuff."  I for one am praying that Seinfeld's words are prophetic and that she dies of exposure. I'd love to see her do an outdoor concert in Wisconsin in February and wear her outfits.  Hell I'd love to see her pull that shit at a Packers game.  She wouldn't have any appendages left.
  
  Kristen Stewart was at the premier of the new Twilight  movie.  Notice all the people?  I think the lady behind her is laughing at the poor turn out or Kristen's scrawny legs.
  
  If you ever find yourself at rapper Khia's house, whatever you do, don't eat any candy.  Khia gave her opinions on sex toys: "Don’t be scared to bring candies and toys into the bedroom. Some guys are jealous of dildos because of the size, so what I did to kind of ease [my ex-husband] is introduce him to jumbo candy canes that they give at Christmas time. I like that better because number one, it doesn’t look like a penis that’s bigger than him, so he won’t be jealous. Plus, it makes the vagina taste wonderful and the peppermint makes it tingle a little bit when he blows. It’s good when he’s giving you head; it looks fun and kiddie-like going in, so he’s not intimidated."  I wonder if Khia knows of the powers of Pop Rocks.
  
  Tattoo artist and reality TV star, Kat Von D, turned down an offer from Jesse James to "hook up".  He kept trying to get with her by saying that her tattoos are so attractive.  She turned him down because she knew he was married.  It's nice to seem someone still has standards.  My question now is, why, if he was so attracted to women with more ink than the USA Today, did he marry Sandra Bullock, who has none?  Blank canvas?
  
  I heard Playboy rumors and Justin Bieber in the same source.  I was thinking that maybe he was going to finally show the world that he was in fact a she.  Actually his 34 year old mom, Pattie Lynn Malette, is allegedly in negotiations to pose for Playboy.  34 years old and has a teenage son that is a worldwide music sensation...wtf have I done with my life?  I need to starting knocking up chicks in hopes that my demon seed does something to make me rich.
  
  So the Jersey Shore boys posed for the Village Voice's queer issue.  I guess they have hit bottom...zing.
  
  Jason Bateman angered 2,000 nerds this week when he cut to the front of the line in order to get a new iPhone.  People booed and hissed at him and when he left there were people who spit on him.  Oh well, I'd still support him if he were to finally get that Arrested Development movie in theaters.
  
  James Gandolfini does not like to be photographed when eating.  Getting an F. U. from Tony Soprano is magical.  It's like getting hit in the head with a Blackberry thrown by Naomi Campbell or having sex with Paris Hilton and coming away disease free or finding a urinal has been replaced by Kim Kardashian.
  
  The Bachelor, Jake Pavelka and his pick, Vienna Sausage, have broken up.  When are we going to learn that reality dating contests are fake and do not produce lasting and meaningful relationships?  He says there were irreconcilable differences but she paints a different picture.  Vienna claims that they had not been intimate in six months and by intimate she meant kissing.  She claims that he would only kiss her in public.  I'm not an expert but it sounds like Jake has read "The Guide to Dating a Girl While Remaining Gay" by Tom Cruise. 
  
  I wonder if when Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko travel, if she sits on his lap to save money.  That is one mismatched couple.
  
  Gary Coleman knew his wife, Shannon Price, was up to no good.  Not only had he divorced her but he had a restraining order against her.  The reason it is just coming to public light now is that it was filed under John and Jane Doe.  As I read about all this stuff I keep thinking that Coleman's body should be exhumed but then I remember that he was cremated...glue the ashes back together?  She really can't get away with murder.  Where is Dexter when you need him?
  
  Because Tiger Woods screwed so many chicks behind his wife's back, he is now getting screwed.  Not only did Elin Nordegren take money and build a mansion in her home country of Sweden but she also kept their $80million mansion in Florida.  Tiger will only get to come to the mansion to visit his children.  She is also said to be feminizing the mansion except for the gym and oxygen therapy room.  What does "feminizing" mean?  A kitchen the size of a football field?  Washer and dryers that run on nagging?  Soundproof windows so that she won't disturb the neighbors with her late-night vacuuming?  See she's doing these things because women love to clean.  Is there any wonder why I am single?  If you think I believe any of that, you have not read my blog.  I should travel back to the 50s where I would be a cutting edge comedian and able to eat all the red meat I wanted without repercussions.
  
  Diddy recently spent $90,000 on booze at a nightclub in London.  I guess it wasn't that bad considering he had 50 people with him and he ordered ten drinks that cost $2,500 a piece because they are four feet tall, come with dancers, and a bagpiper.  He did all that just for a chance to have a good time and get drunk.  Well the joke's on Diddy.  Last weekend I spent $11 on a case of Grain Belt and I drank it by myself.  The winner is clearly me.
  
  Bradley Cooper did not read Tom Cruise manual "How Not to Fire Up Gay Rumors".  Last week he was spotted working out at a gym and soon a group of women gathered to ogle him.  Bradley got upset and ran into a locker room filed with naked men.  I am thinking he was probably embarrassed that he was bench pressing so little weight.  I get embarrassed when I bench too little.  I was warming up with 4 reps of 500 and these girls snickered because I am a weakling.  Damn that was embarrassing!
  
  Amanda Bynes announced this week on Twitter that at 24 years old she was retiring from acting because she claims it isn't fun anymore.  What do you expect?  It's a job!  I hope she managed her money wisely because I don't recall any box office hits.  Maybe we can see her return to her roots and get on a Nickelodeon game show.  Because of Hollywood's lose of this great acting talent, somewhere Meryl Streep is breathing a sigh of relief.
  
  Adrienne Curry posted this on Twitter this week.  I can't wait for Coco's retort.  Mark my words, the twitter war between Adrienne Curry and Coco will one day have more coverage in the history books than the Lincoln/Douglas debates.
  
  You know Amy Winehouse's career is over when a little kid is kicking her out of a bar.
  
  Hey, did Britney Spears get us to travel back in time to 1990 or are chokers back in style?  I remember those in grade school.  The girls would wear their leather chokers, silk shirts, and snap bracelets and I would write their names in my Trapper Keeper and draw a heart around it.  I would also pour milk down the pants of the class nerd in hope of receiving oral sex but that didn't pan.  God, I miss grade school.
  
  This will end well...Britney Spears has stopped taking her medicines that keep her from shaving her head and beating cars with umbrellas so that she can have another baby.  Honestly, it should be easy for her to get pregnant since all you have to do to knock up one of the Spears girls is to whisper the word "inseminate" in their ear.  If Britney really needs to get knocked up all she has to do is find where the Navy is docking and she can get that from humanitarian, Paris Hilton.  She has the naval fleet docking schedule laminated for easy purse access.

  I hope you enjoyed.  Have a great weekend.

  • 6:41 PM
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