July 17, 2010

• Celebrity Round-Up 7/16

  I feel like I dropped another ten pounds today.  I cut my hair.  I think the last time I had it cut was around Easter time so it got long for me, over the ears and in the eyes.  Anyway, I am happy with my short hair now.  Maybe now I'll be able to sleep at night without the constant brushing against my pillows and also my baseball hats will fit better.  I am just so awesome.  Remember some images may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL

  
  A recent report came out that claims Whitney Houston spends $6,000 a week on crack.  CHRIST!  How is she still alive and semi-functioning?!?!?!?!  Someone needs to get her Tyler Perry because all his movies somehow involve someone on crack getting straight.  You know when I look at her it sort of reminds me of the Bible story of Lot and his wife who was turned into a pillar of salt because she turned her back to look at her hometown being destroyed except Whitney is a pillar of crack.
  
  Vince Vaughn announced this week that he is going to be a father.  I predict that if he loves his child as much as he loves food and booze then he'll be one hell of a father.  And somewhere Jennifer Aniston is poking a voodoo doll.
  
  Taylor Momsen has been chosen by Lourdes, Madonna's daughter, to be the model for her clothing line sold exclusively at Macy's.  Nothing says "rebellious teen" quite like Macy's.  Oh yes, ringing up huge bills on daddy's credit card is so EDGY!  I think the slogan should be: "BUY THESE CLOTHES AND BE THE BADDEST BITCH IN THE SANDBOX!"
  
  Sylvester Stallone was spotted out and about this week.  Those arms...I am so freaked out when I see all those veins.  Maybe it's because I'm fat and my veins don't pop out like that.  Ladies, is that attractive?  Anyway, I suppose his arms could be ribbed for her pleasure...ok that's wrong.
  
  Spencer Pratt was banned from a finale party for The Hills so he disguised himself to try to get in.  Surprisingly, it didn't work.  He then left furiously and tried to sneak into a premiere for Inception, which also didn't work.  This guy needs to go away and take his flesh colored beard with him.  Is he trying to look like Nick Nolte?  If he is Spencer is a dumbass because Nolte has been banned from everywhere in Hollywood.
  
  Sofia Vergara was a...CHI-CHIS!
  
  Here's a sneak peek of Ryan Reynolds as the Green Lantern.  I've been harsh on that series and rightfully so because...wasn't Green Lantern black?
  
  I am better than Ryan Phillippe.  He seems to have forgotten something but then maybe he was visiting the local glory hole.  I hear that in Hollywood if you are rich, talented, and good looking, the streets are paved with blowjobs which is why I can't ever go there again.  My last trip to Hollywood ended with a bad break-up.  Oh who am I kidding?
  
  Switzerland will not extradite Roman Polanski to the U.S. to serve time for raping an underage girl.  Why is that I now see Roman in a lederhosen dancing around in the Alps with the Von Trapp family singing, "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF PEDOPHILA!"
  
  Lindsay Lohan has moved into a sober living house.  Too bad it isn't operated by Dr. Drew.  That would make for captivating TV.  This is just a ploy to get her time reduced despite people saying it's for Lindsay's safety since she has started telling people that she will kill herself before she goes to prison.  It's too bad none of her time in the house will do anything to her sentence because she's already been sentenced.  Hopefully the judge gets her nails done how Lindsay had her nails done for her sentencing so the judge can tell Lindsay, "fuck you".
  
  Lindsay has hired a new lawyer.  It's Robert Shapiro.  He's one of the masterminds that got OJ free from facing jail time for the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson.  Remember how they had that whole little rhyme that helped sway the jury?  "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit."  I wonder what sort of rhyme they could come up with for Lindsay.  "If there are no drugs in her pee then you must set her free"?  OK I need to start working on those.  Maybe if I come up with a good one, Shapiro will hire me to be a paralegal and after that it's affairs with female lawyers.  Dreams are a great thing.
  
  This is a poster for Lindsay's next movie called Machete.  She plays a nun who likes to lick things.  Wow!  This blows my mind.  Lindsay is a whore in real life and in the movie she plays a nun.  I smell an Oscar nomination. 
  
  Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem were married two weeks ago in a private ceremony.  The funny thing about this is they didn't announce it on Twitter or Facebook but in Hola magazine.  I guess two weeks is ages in Hollywood standards so they had to see if it would last.  Somewhere, one of Penelope's ex-boyfriends named Tom Cruise, is in a dungeon taking out his misery on a guy named Javier he hired from a Home Depot.
  
  I seriously hate Paris Hilton.  After going to the World Cup she was spotted on a boat in Paris.  HAHAHA...Paris in Paris...OK now we're over the third grade humor.  My only concern is with her sitting on the deck like that...can boats get herpes?
  
  This is the new controversial Pam Anderson PETA ad.  I think the only thing controversial about it is how she doesn't look like that anymore and they had to use an image of her from the mid-90s.  I guess I'd be more convinced that instead of PETA it said PHOTOSHOP.
  
  Nic Cage almost got his ass kicked this week and no it wasn't by the IRS.  According to one of his publicists someone picked a fight with Cage at a bar.  This is probably all just a lie to generate buzz about his new movie The Sorcerer's Apprentice, which looks like it should be a straight to DVD feature.  If you want a good movie these days you need animation, vampires, and 30 seconds of 3D footage.  To get me to watch a movie you need boobs, boobs, and BOOBS.  Remember the good old days of movies when every good movie had bare breasts?  Those were the days.
  
  Burn victims and bear and shark attack victims will win a Miss Photogenic award before Lady Gaga.  She is a monster.  Oh and for all you youngsters who say, "Oh, godfather, you're old and stupid and don't know quality music and a unique, quirky behavior."  To that I say, "Rent a DeLorean, set the time to 1985, hit 88mph, look up a woman named Madonna.  Gaga isn't unique and she's just stealing Madonna's old style."  Oh and if you disagree...GO SCREW YOURSELF OR BLOW ME!  Sorry, I've been listening to the Mel Gibson tapes.
  
  Kim Kardashian and Coco were at the Amp Energy Bullrun event.  They both defied physics and fit into those outfits.  So I know TMZ did this but who has the better ass...Kim or Coco?  I want to conduct my own GREAT ASS OFF 2010.
  
  Ke$ha has been a naughty girl.  Her boyfriend, DJ Stolen, released this photo.  Ah...love.  How I miss it but then true love means never pulling out.
  
  Doesn't Katy Perry sponsor that anti-acne medication, Proactive?  Well, it sure does seem to be working for her.
  
  This is Karissa Shannon.  She is one of Hugh Hefner's ex-girlfriends.  I wonder what the reaction would be if I walked around with a t-shirt that said the same thing but featured Selena Gomez or that girl from iCarly.  I have a feeling that people would be paging Chris Hansen and lighting up the sky with the Pedobear signal.  Double standards are interesting.
  
  John Stamos is in big trouble mister.  A girl in Michigan is on trial for trying to extort Uncle Jesse out of $700,000 for some alleged photos of him doing coke with strippers.  She claims that she met John at a bar and told him she was 17 but he still bought her a drink and had her come back to his hotel room.  When they were in the room strippers showed up with coke and they did line after line.  He also got naked in front of her when they moved into the hot tub and he asked if he could perform oral sex on her.  She said no and he got frustrated and tore apart a bed.  They exchanged emails for the past couple of years and then one day the girl said that he had to pony up money or she would release the photo to the press but John went to the FBI who claims the photo doesn't exist.  The girl and her partner now face five years in jail for extortion.  I think the fitting punishment would be to force them to watch nothing but Full House for five years.  My only question is, where was Kimmy Gibbler in all this?  I bet she was one of the strippers he did the line of coke off of her breast or maybe she was the coke supplier.
  
  Jessica Simpson is in love and supposedly knocked up.  Her new man is Eric Johnson a former player for the New Orleans Saints of the NFL.  She sure has a specific taste in men.  OK so maybe I'm jealous but then I'm not because when Jessica is in love she shows off her cleavage.  HOO-RAY for us!
  
  Jack Osbourne showed off a new t-shirt.  I'm not even going to bother posting any more of those audio tapes because they are just horrible.  See why do women fall for jerks like that and I end up sleepturbating?  I hope the proceeds from that shirt's sales go to the NAACP or the Buy Mel Gibson a Blow Job Fund.
  
  Gerard Butler is following Billy Ray Cyrus' fashion advice.  Actually this is from his upcoming movie Machine Gun Preacher.  Yeah, it sounds horrible but I am 100% sure that an El Camino will somehow be featured in that movie.  It just has to.
  
  Edward Norton has been fired from The Avengers movie.  He will not portray the Hulk in that movie or any subsequent Hulk movies.  The Hulk franchise really seems like it's been cursed but then they don't have much to go on.  I also lost a lot of respect for Norton when I heard of how he turned into such a primadonna during the filming and editing of the recent Hulk movie.  Hell, he wouldn't even do any appearances to promote the movie because he didn't get his way which is why they had to rely on Robert Downey to do the talkshow circuit thus blowing the surprise inclusion of Tony Stark.  All I pray for is that they don't let Ang Lee touch that movie.  Maybe they can get Eric Bana to reprise his role as the Hulk.  I also hope they don't call Lou Ferrigno because that would be the most difficult phone call ever.
  
  Angelina Jolie got a new tattoo on her inner thigh.  It says Whiskey Bravo.  Whiskey Bravo could mean the obvious...which would be whiskey, BRAVO!  More than likely she was trying to be clever and used the military alphabet code for the letters W and B.  Why W and B?  Brad Pitt's first name is William.  Yes, that would be access for William Bradley.  If that's true, I feel bad for her uterus.  It really does need a vacation.  I can just see her uterus like in a Looney Toons cartoon and a sign would pop out that says EEP!
  
  Andy Dick was caught motorboating some random chick this week.  Man, I can't believe he would do that and have people think that he is some sort of pervert.  That could ruin his career.  Too bad the whole time Andy was motorboating, he was wishing it was some dude's ass.
  
  Last weekend all these people ruined their lives...they all got married.  Starting top left: Carrie Underwood and Mike Fischer, Top Right: Martin Lawrence and Shamicka Gibbs, Bottom Right: Carmelo Anthony and LaLa Vasquez, Bottom Left: John Krasinski and Emily Blunt.  So which is the first couple to divorce?
  
  Amy Winehouse was spotted at her boyfriend's movie premiere.  The movie is titled Psychosis.  Hmmm am I the only one to see the irony there?  It looks like Amy is walking with her legs together because she is trying to hold it in and can't find a bathroom.  I figure since she is so ladylike that wouldn't happen and she'd just piss herself.  Then I thought maybe she is smuggling in a bottle of Jack Daniels up the ol' cooter but then I see her big purse and figure that is filled with booze and pills.  The next logical thought is that she is walking with her legs together to keep her liver from jumping ship.
  
  The Green Bay Packers unveiled alternate home uniforms.  WHAT?  The helmets are gold.  It's no wonder they always have Notre Dame alumni on their squad.  I'm sort of mixed on this one.  They are supposed to be like the uniforms they wore back in 1929.  As long as they win when wearing them then I don't care.

  Video Section:
  What color do you get when you mix Pink with black and blue?  Anyway, Pink fell at a gig in Germany and I laughed a hearty German laugh.
  

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 12:22 AM
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