July 22, 2010

• Questions with the Godfather and his Cock 7/21

  It's time for another question entry.  Time sure has flown by this week.  It has been a dreadful week as far as weather goes here in Lake Wobegone...

  WTF!  Garrison Keillor tried to hijack my blog.  No mas, old man!  Go take your Lutheran jokes elsewhere!

  Now, Garrison Keillor free...thank God.  Cocky and I are back to answer your questions about life, love, and all things in between.

  Time for another round of advice with me and my cock, Cocky McCockburns.  Yes, I realize I am immature but if you don't like it, go fuck yourself...douchebag.
  

  

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  Me: Are you ready, Cocky?
  Cocky:  Cocked, locked, and ready to unload some advice

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  How do I make sure Sarah Palin never makes it to the elections in 2012?
                                            Palin Hater in Potosi
  Me: The first thing I would suggest is that you petition your senators and representatives to propose legislation that would expel Alaska from the United States thus by making it a foreign nation which would mean Sarah Palin couldn't run for office.
  Cocky:  What a smart man!  You bitch and whine about gas prices just imagine how bad they will get if we eliminate Alaska and the Goddess of the North.  Oh she is so fine.  She makes me get up each morning and perch on my wood. 
  Me: Cocky, you really didn't answer the question.
  Cocky: MMMM bringing down a moose...snowmobiling...dress wearing...turkey pardoning....I am in love!  Ok, want to get rid of Sarah Palin?  MITT ROMNEY 2012!!!! Embrace it, love it, sniff it...oh yeah he smells like money.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  This isn't so much a question but a statement that I would like to read your opinion on the matter:  I believe our society is consumed with voyeurism and we shouldn't complain when the studios feed us reality TV or the Britneys or Parises of the world because we enjoy watching trainwrecks.  Take it away guys.
                                                                            Abel in Arizona
  Me: I believe you are touching an exposed nerve here.  There is no lazier television than reality television and we only ask for more when we watch that crap and not quality programming.  This is why Arrested Development is off the air as is Studio 60 and just another reason why Friday Night Lights and 30 Rock are on the chopping block.  People have historically always slowed down to stare at the car wreck on the highway.
  Cocky: If some network or studio tried to feed me Paris or Britney, I'd send that shit back to the kitchen because I don't eat crabs...but I would enjoy dining on clams...OH SNAP!  Give this cock a hand slap!

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Sometimes I feel that the people closest to me are actually the ones that I want to avoid. It's not that I hate them. I just feel that whenever I try to bring up conversation topics that I feel are worth talking about, (like politics, history of the universe, underlying layers in deep movies, etc.) it goes right over their heads. Where are all the dreamers and thinkers?
                                                                         Jenny in Hillsboro, WI
  Me: It is certainly difficult when you have friends that you hold near and dear, but you feel that you can't have meaningful conversations with them.  Probably most of the time you are with these friends you are at social functions like parties or relaxing at the bar or restaurant after a long day of work.  People really don't want to dive into heavy topics after a hard day's work. They just want to dive into their Moons over My Hammy.  They don't want to leave their comfort zone.  One thing that you could do is set-up a specific get-together that is intended for political discussion.  Not like a book club but something like the old thinking depots of yore.  This could persuade people to come out of their shell and talk about the things you want to discuss.
  Cocky: BRAVO!  Why don't you just have a Keith Olbermann viewing party?  You could take a shot whenever he does an aside to the camera or talks in a funny voice or makes a reference to sports or how evil the Republican party is.
  Me:  Well what is your suggestion?
  Cocky:  Clearly, Jenny, you aren't the alpha female in the pack that you run with.  Why don't you hate them?  Punch them in the throat if they don't want to talk about what you do.  I guarantee a punch in the throat will do the trick but of course it may be some time before they start talking.  You ask where all the dreamers and thinkers are?  Well you are in Hillsboro, Wisconsin.  They are at the Kwik Trip at 229 Mill Street.  There are only 5 of them there in Hillsboro.  They usually hang out behind the dumpsters smoking Kools and you can find them most every night.  They hold their discussion groups on Thursdays at 8:30PM, rain or shine.  You should be careful because the big one, the one they call Roscoe, he tries to play grab-ass with new members.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Who is the greatest character in a movie or TV show about the Old West?
                                                                               Shane in Tulsa
  Me:  I am not much of a fan of the old westerns that you saw on tv or in the theater.  I do however enjoy the new westerns such as Unforgiven, the remake of 3:10 to Yuma, Open Range, The Assassination of Jesse James, and the HBO series Deadwood.  My favorite character would have to come from Deadwood, Al Swearengen.  You root for him despite his being labeled "the bad guy". 
  Cocky:  Two words...Rooster Cogburn
  
  Me: No surprise there.
  Cocky:  There he is enjoying the Fighting Cock, did you know they originally intended to name him after my family name, McCockburns, but they thought it was too ethnic-y. 
  Me: So what about Cockburns Port?
  Cocky: Same family...when they arrived that Portugal's version of Ellis Island they made them drop the Mc.
  Me:  I wish they would have done that with the fine Scottish restaurant called McDonald's.
  Cocky: Just get rid of the entire chain?
  Me: Yes, it is deplorable with the working conditions and health care.
  Cocky: But where would you take your dates?

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  
  

  What do you suggest I do for my birthday?

                                      Birthday Girl in Baraboo

  Me: Well I’m not one to celebrate birthdays or maybe that was just my family.  This year I grilled a steak and had a beer…alone.

  Cocky: God you are so depressing.  People are probably cutting themselves after reading that.  Say, girl, this is what you want to do for your birthday…a dude and a chick.  I’ll be the dude and given the Godfather’s recent answers he’ll definitely be the chick.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  
  

  I’m a gassy individual.  It’s very embarrassing especially around the ladies.  How do I make this stop?

                                      Gassy in Glencoe

  Me: I’d recommend avoiding food that makes you gassy or invest in Beano or Gas-X

  Cocky: Just fart.  If they can’t love you for your entire person and that includes gas, they aren’t worth it.  Plus if they bitch about it, just yell “QUEEF!”

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  
  

  Do hookers drop their prices during these hotter months?

                                      Prostitute Positive in Poysippi
  

  Me: Actually I think they raise the prices because they shell out more money for hotel room with air conditioning

  Cocky: Prices aren’t the only thing they raise.  Hey, how do you know so much about prostitute price rates?

  Me: Well I have been working with a non-profit group trying to get women off the streets and into normal lives.

  Cocky: Oh so you’re a whore-to-culture-ist

  Me: Why do I walk into those?

  OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.
  
  
  

  
  

  If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.
  

  • 12:06 PM
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