July 31, 2010

• Things You Can Learn from Porn

  In honor of National Orgasm Day...

  You can learn a lot from watching porn.  Here are just a few observations that I have made over the years.  Warning: These may not be applicable to real life.

  1.  Women wear high heels to bed.
  2.  Men are never impotent, no matter their age.
  3.  When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
  4.  If a woman gets caught masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but will insist he has sex with her.
  5.  Women smile appreciatively when males splat them in the face.
  6.  Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle aged men.
  7.  Women moan uncontrollably when giving oral.
  8.  Women always have an orgasm at the same time as a man.
  9.  A blow job always gets a woman out of a speeding ticket.
  10.  All women are loud in bed.
  11.  Back in the 1970s, people couldn't have sex without a wild guitar solo in the background.
  12.  All breasts are real.
  13.  A regular and enjoyable sexual practice is when a man takes his half-erect penis and slaps a woman in the face with it.
  14.  When a man has an orgasm, he will always say, "Oh yeah!"
  15.  If there are two men having relations with a female, they most certainly always high-five each other and the woman is never offended.
  16.  Double penetration makes women smile.
  17.  For some reason Asian men do not exist.
  18.  If you happen across a couple having sex in the bushes, the male will not tell you to get lost but will insist that his girl's mouth is ready.
  19.  There's plot.
  20.  Slapping a woman on the butt is always excitable for the woman involved.
  21.  Besides giving medicine, nurses give other jobs to male patients.
  22.  Men always pull out.
  23.  When your girlfriend catches you in bed with her best friend, she won't be angry, but will join you in the festivities.
  24.  Headaches do not exist.
  25.  When receiving oral pleasure from a woman, men it is pertinent that you remind them to "suck it".
  26.  Everything is always clean and no problem with hygiene especially with ATM.
  27.  Men ejaculating all over a woman's body is a satisfying result for all parties involved.
  28.  Women are always surprised when opening a man's pants to find out that he has a penis.
  29.  Men never have to beg.
  30.  Pigtails=handlebars.
  31.  Hitch-hiking is glamorous and always results in sex.
  32.  Pizza delivery boys and repairmen are the greatest jobs a man could wish for.
  33.  Pizza delivery boys and repairmen always have sex when they deliver or make house calls.
  34.  All food in porn movies is nothing more than another sex toy.

  Here are some that were submitted by Xanga users.  I didn't include their names because I didn't know if I had permission to repost them.
  35.  Women enjoy getting slapped with penises
  36.  All lesbians are “girly”
  37.  All lesbians carry bags filled with sex toys
  38.  All stockings are crotchless
  39.  Baby oil and saliva are acceptable lubricants
  40.  All women are hairless
  41.  Playing with globs of saliva is sexy
  42.  All women are ready to jump in the sack with anyone at anytime.
  43.  Big penises make up for lack of personality
  44.  Normal penis size is 12” and anything less is unacceptable
  45.  Ron Jeremy and John Holmes are somehow sexy and appealing to women
  46.  The majority of female porn stars are rail thin, fake tanned, with humongous boobs. 
  47.  If there is more than one woman in the scene they will inevitably get it on while the guy enjoys. But if there is more than one guy in a scene they NEVER get it on while the girl enjoys.
  48.  Females have an infinite amount of spittle and because of this there is no need for KY.

  New additions:
  49.  Any girl with pigtails is considered a "teen"
  50.  All other women are MILFs
  51.  You will be able to use all porn moves in your own bed.
  52.  No one kisses when they have sex but if they have the desire to kiss, they flick each other's tongues with absolutely no lip contact.
  53.  Sometimes, poop is more than just poop.
  54.  Asians have pixelated groins.
  55.  Women love it when men talk trashy.
  56.  Men are just willing victims and all women are sexually aggressive.
  57.  Groping a secretary will always lead to sex and never a sexual harassment lawsuit.
  58.  All job interviews end with sex.
  59.  All Catholic school girls look like they are in their 30s.
  60.  All lesbians are willing to get with men at a moment's notice
  61.  Felating sex toys is essential
  62.  If your friend's mom is hot, she will automatically have sex with you when your friend isn't around and if he interrupts you, he may just join in.
  63.  There is no such thing as condoms or STDs.
  64.  Foreplay is non-existent...so that one may be true in real life as well.
  65.  Female little people are ferocious.
  66.  People in a crowded bus wont even mind that you have loud sex in the middle of the bus.
  67.  Strange men in vans are perfectly acceptable if they are waving around a handful of $50's and no cops will arrest them for soliciting.
  68.  Wives are always willing to engage in lesbian sex and threesomes, even if it means that the other woman is their sister.
  69.  There are no fat guys.
  70.  Women wear make-up to bed.
  71.  Viagra, Cialis, Levitra are not needed.
  72.  Everyone smiles at the camera.
  73.  Vaginas can take extreme amounts of abuse
  74.  Women can't get pregnant from a cream pie.
  75.  There are only two underwear options for women: sexy lingerie and commando
  76.  If she says it's her first time, it's her first time
  77.  Hotels are glamorous film locations.
  78.  Public bathrooms are always sanitary
  79.  All female superiors at work are hot and will bone you at the drop of a hat.
  80.  When women order pizza they always order extra sausage.
  81.  Wherever you find a hole, if you stick your dick through it a hot girl will be on the other side to service you.
  82.  Spit makes everything shine.
  83.  All a guy needs to get sex is a clever one-line joke.
  84.  All porn is good
  85.  There are things you can learn from porn.
  86.  If you are a step-father your step-daughter will ahve sex with you no matter how unattractive you are and your only objection will be, "What if your mother finds out?"  And when the mother finds out threesomes will abound.
  87.  Women willingly get into vans so they can have sex.
  88.  Women will have sex with you if there is a possibility they'll get a job
  89.  Female teachers are always hot, always wear glasses, and are always attracted to their students.
  90.  All male teachers have enormous penises
  91.  Female students will have sex with their teacher to get a good grade right after class
  92.  No one locks doors
  93.  Women always have orgasms
  94.  There are always people having sex in college dorms
  95.  People have sex in public at every party
  96.  Pregnancy does not exist
  97.  Japanese women are attracted to squid.
  98.  The Japanese have perfectly normal sexual desires
  99.  The Germans have perfectly normal sexual desires
  100.  Women think it's normal to have sex with 50 strangers when they go to the supermarket.

  If you have any suggestions, feel free to add.

  • 6:54 PM
  • 34 Comments