Even though I am celibate...not by choice...I have thought about giving some sex advice here.  Guys, don't get a girl too drunk that she can't remember the best night of her life but just drunk enough to do the real kinky stuff.  Guys, after your sex sessions you should always leave a girl looking like a newborn dear, shaking and covered in fluids.  Ladies, Disney had it right.  You don't need friends.  Just talk to inanimate household objects.  Oh and if you have kids and they want to know about sex, just tell them to watch the dog dance with the pillow.  And if you want more bang for your buck, wear sweatpants to a strip club.  And, ladies, if you really want to get a guy to listen to you, lose the shirt.  Maybe I'll stick to whatever it is that I do.

You know I just realized Hurrican Katrina hit 5 years ago and the only person to hate Kanye West was George Bush.  Kanye also says he's an artist.  So if he's half rapper and half artist, does that make him a rapist?  And I was totally shocked that Katrina and the Waves didn't play any benefit concerts.

Woman in a white t-shirt=instant wet t-shirt contest.

Banana peels are the seeds for face plants.

When someone posts something sad on their Facebook status, I usually press the like button.  It's a good feeling that someone other than me is sad.  I've been sad long enough.

Oh and politics...did you realize that the number of people at the Glenn Beck rally outnumbered the total amount of teeth 3 to 1?  I saw a guy with a Glenn Beck sticker flip off an old lady that was jaywalking, so much for restoring honor.  When are conservatives extremely liberal? When they're estimating attendance at the Glenn Beck rally.  And dear humorless conservatives...I make jokes.

Michael Jackson turned pale, had a hand that sparkled, and died? No, he just moved to Forks, Washington.

And your weekly dose of motivation:

I've been doing my daily exercises weekly and weakly.

If your phone isn't ringing, it's me calling.

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

The law of averages says I'm above it.

Did you realize that men spend the first 9 months of their life trying to get out of a vagina and then the rest of their lives trying to get back into one.

Well I think I did a good job masking the pain.  Thursday is Beverly Hills 90210 day because it is 9-02-10.  Think I'll hang out at the Peach Pit.

I am going to bring back some old recipes I posted a long, long time ago when I had about 1 or 2 readers who had Xanga accounts.  No I don't have photos...sorry.  They are quite tasty...trust me.

Dill Pickle Soup
3 tablespoons butter
¼ cup finely chopped onion
½ cup white wine
½ cup plus 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
5 cups water
1 ½ cups dill pickle juice
2 teaspoons dried dill weed, crushed
½ cup whipping cream or milk
Salt and white pepper to taste
1 large dill pickle, cut julienne

In a large soup pot over medium heat, melt butter.  Add onion and sauté until soft.  Add white wine and continue cooking until almost all liquid evaporates.  Reduce heat to low and stir in flour (do not brown).  In a large bowl, combine water and pickle juice; add and whisk in all at once to onion mixture.  Bring to a boil, stirring constantly, until soup slightly thickens.  Add dill weed.  Stir in whipping cream or milk to desired consistency.  Season with salt and white pepper.  Remove from heat.  Serve in soup bowls and garnish with julienne dill pickle.
Makes 4 servings.

Guiltless Oven-Fried Chicken Fingers
1 cup low-fat mayonnaise
1 tablespoon curry paste, or more
Kosher salt
Freshly ground black pepper
4 skinless, boneless chicken breasts
2 cups panko (Japanese) bread crumbs

Heat the oven to 350 degrees F.  In a large bowl, combine the mayonnaise and curry paste, to taste.  Thin this with a little water, 1 tablespoon at a time, until you get the consistency of heavy cream, and season with salt and pepper.   Cut the chicken breasts into thick strips.  Drop the strips into the bowl and coat them well with the curry mayonnaise.  Cover and refrigerate for at least 5 minutes or up to 1 hour.  Pour the bread crumbs onto a plate and toss the chicken strips well to completely cover them.  Put them onto a nonstick baking sheet and into the over.  Cook for 15 to 20 minutes, or until the chicken is browned and cooked through.
Yields 4 servings.

Microwave Chicken Curry
2 tablespoons Indian curry paste
3 tablespoons olive oil
4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut into strips
½ bunch basil, leaves chopped
½ bunch cilantro, leaves chopped
2 (13.5 ounce) cans coconut milk
2 tablespoons soy sauce
Kosher salt
Freshly ground black pepper
Steamed rice, to serve
Paprika, for garnish
1 scallion, thinly sliced, for garnish

In a large microwave safe pot with a lid, mix together the curry paste and oil.  Microwave on high for 3 minutes.  Add the chicken to the pot and stir.  Cover with the lid and microwave on medium for 8 minutes.   Add the basil, cilantro, coconut milk, and soy sauce and season with salt and pepper.  Give it a good stir, cover it, and microwave on medium for 4 minutes.  Stir it again, cover, and let rest for 3 to 4 minutes.  Serve over steamed rice, garnished with paprika and scallions.
Yields 4 servings.

Grilled Banana Split Sundaes
2 to 3 bananas
1 frozen pound cake, thawed
1 whole pineapple
About 10 maraschino cherries
½ stick butter melted

Sauce:
1 pint heavy cream
9 ounces good-quality semisweet chocolate, chopped

Vanilla ice cream for serving
Special equipment: wooden skewers, soaked in water for at least 30 minutes

Preheat an outdoor grill.  Peel and cut the bananas into ½ inch thick slices.  Trim the top off the pound cake and cut the rest into the same size squares as the banana chunks.  Cut the top and bottom off the pineapple and remove the rind from around the sides.  Cut the pineapple in half and then into quarters.  Trim the core and cut each piece again lengthwise.  Cut the strips into ½ inch thick pieces.  On a wooden skewer, alternate pieces of banana, pound cake, and pineapple until skewer is full, leaving about 2 inches for a handle.  You should have 8 to 10 skewers.  Finish with a cherry.  Brush with melted butter and grill for 1 to 2 minutes each side.  (Alternatively, you can broil the skewers for about 1 to 2 minutes per side)

Sauce: Meanwhile, heat the cream in a small pan over medium heat; do not let it boil.  Add the chocolate to the warm cream.  Let sit for a few minutes, then stir the mixture to melt all the chocolate.  Cool for a few minutes and pour into a squeeze bottle.  Scoop ice cream into bowls and top with a skewer.  Squeeze some chocolate sauce over the top and serve.
Yields 8 to 10 sundaes.

Have a great night

It's hot out.  I don't feel creative.  I had a guest blogger lined up but he is busy so you get crap.  Lucky you.  I am beginning to see why so many people don't go to church anymore.  Oh and some pics are NSFW or NSFL.

DAMN!  I know for a fact it's not the church I attend.

That kid is so amazing at guitar, he makes people lose their pants.

Hey...how'd they know my nickname?

And he also makes you a racist mascot for sports teams.  Never forget.

This is so wrong.

Freddy Krueger retired from Elm Street and pursued his life long dream of performing on Broadway in Cats.

Ha!  He got me.

It's a good thing one of them kept their clothes on.

No comment necessary

This is for my friends on laptops...it's true.

Sadly, in five years this will be true.

It's true.  You have to be friends with someone if they are kind enough to take out a loan to buy coffee at Starbucks.  I was at the bar the other day and it was $1 for all you can drink coffee. 

Once again...no comment.

Fucking yogurt...it's quite odd to watch yogurt copulate on the shelves.

You know that's what you think of when he says it.

EVIL!

For those that have this guy in college, try not to break him the first day.

Does anyone know when volleyball season begins?  I can't wait!

I didn't get this posted because last night was so draining.  I went to a cousin's funeral/wake.  Maybe because I am not human, I don't get the whole deal with funerals.  You're there to mourn and commiserate with the survivors and not talk about how many acres of corn you have, how it's hard to dry hay this year, or how many coons you treed.  It's also sad that some of these family members we only see at funerals.  I don't understand why families allow tragedies to bring them together but then as a nation it seemed like we waited for 9/11 to bring us together.  Oh well, I'll catch flack for that.  Round-up...some images may not be safe for work and some are definitely not safe for life.  If you laugh, you lose.

Sookie Stackhouse married Vampire Bill in real life last weekend.  Actually it was Anna Paquinn marrying Stephen Moyer...I'm just a fan of True Blood, don't mind me.  The wedding was kept a secret and was a very private affair.  All I have gathered from my insider is that Lafayette was the flower girl and he threw onion blossoms from Merlotte's at those attending.  Good thing it wasn't garlic.

Well Tila Tequila is milking her injuries suffered at the hands of Juggalos for all they're worth.  Maybe she's just stealing Nelly's old band-aid under the eye look.  Hmmm Nelly does need to have his career resurrected and become relevant once again.  Hey, Tila, this is the 21st century.  We have this stuff called Neosporin.  Look into getting some.   It's been about 2 weeks.

Not to ruin the surprise but The Situation from Jersey Shore will be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.  He's also supposedly going to earn $5million from Jersey Shore, his endorsements, DWTS, and other appearances.  The Situation is also in the process of trademarking his name.  And all of these are reasons why I need to leave the U.S.  Just a note to the producers of Dancing with the Stars, sticking one shitty character from one show and sticking him on another doesn't work.  Do you remember Joey?  And a note to whoever is The Situation's dance partner, when he hands you a drink DON'T DRINK IT!

Taylor Lautner is suing an RV dealership for not delivering an RV on time to the set of his new movie.  He had to suffer in the trailer that the movie studio provided for him.  Part of the lawsuit includes emotional distress.  We shall all weep for you Taylor...you big baby.  Oh and you're welcome Jenn.

This is a photo of Sean Penn on the set of his new movie This Must be the Place.  He plays a retired rock star who is tracking down a Nazi war criminal.  I think Sean is trying to look like Robert Smith of The Cure but to me he looks like the crazy cat lady on The Simpsons. 

Miley Cyrus broke up with Liam Hemsworth.  I guess that deep love they shared wasn't deep enough.  That sounds so dirty.  Maybe Miley hasn't differentiated being in love in a movie from being in love in real life.  Now, I wonder since he moved into her house if she had to kick him out.  Maybe Billy Ray will go full force mullet and show up with a shotgun to kick him out.

Macauly Culkin turned 30 this week.  He still looks like a teenager.  This is also proof that God hates me.  How the hell is Macauly with Mila Kunis? 

Lisa Rinna sure looks like she's having fun.  WRONG!  Her face is frozen because of all the plastic surgery she has had.  You should see her at funerals...awkward.

Lindsay Lohan is free from the UCLA medical center where she was rehabbing.  I suggest watching the news this weekend.  If there is a story about a 20 inch penis that ejaculates Red Bull and Vodka, assume that Lindsay has more wish for the genie.

This is the most recent photo of Lindsay.  It's amazing what 3 meals a day and lights out at 10PM can do for a girl.  Not to mention a tight white shirt and short black skirt.

This week's sign that the Apocalypse is upon us: Lady Gaga is collaborating with KISS.  Now I am off to delete all my KISS files.  I don't know what Gaga and Paul Stanley are doing in this photo but whatever it was, it left the door with a low t-cell count.

This week Bill O'Reilly made an interesting comment about Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian.  He said it wasn't normal for a 16 year old boy to be photographed in a sexually suggestive photos with a 42 year old woman.  Kim is actually 29 but who cares.  He ended by saying, "If a 16-year-old girl was pictured with a 29-year-old man in any of that, he'd be in big trouble."  I can't believe I'm going to say this but he's correct.  But then I have to tell Bill he shouldn't get his panties in a bunch and he needs to go loofah something because our grandfathers kicked the Nazis asses so older women could frolic on the beach with young boys and then after they were done kicking Nazis asses they went to France and had their way with those lovely French women because the French men were too busy cowering in corners...USA USA USA USA USA USA USA!

Oh, Kim...your attempts to cover that ass and your pedophile ways are futile.  Wait...I know she would never do anything with Justin.  He's not the type of guy she is into.  Well, we have nothing to worry about.  Next.

This is one of Katy Perry's old school glamor shots.  Why did no one tell me that she was one of the models in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead?  People, you let me down.

Kate Gosslein looks like she stepped off the Rock of Love Bus.  Kate, your tour ends here.  Please put the world out of it's misery and DIE!  Maybe she's dressed like that because she's auditioning for The Real Attention Whores of Reality TV.  She could also be auditioning for The Real Roadside Hookers of Wisconsin Dells.  If a lady strikes up a conversation at a gas station...run.

People think that Jessica Simpson may be pregnant because she is getting bigger.  I think she's bulking up to get in the NFL so she can win the Super Bowl.  She's going to get a ring on her finger one way or another.

The paparazzi caught Jennifer Love Hewitt picking up a package this week.  And now for the Male Chauvinist Pig comment of the week: I've got a package I'd love to give her.

Spencer Pratt is trying to sell his sex videos with Heidi Montag to Vivid Entertainment for $5million.  He claims that the material he has filmed will blow Jenna Jameson's website out of the water.  He also says it is so wild that it will make Kim Kardasian's sex tape look tame. 

Supposedly part of the Heidi Montag sex tape is filmed with Karissa Shannon and Karissa admits that she filmed herself having sex with Heidi and that Spencer was not present...THANK GOD!  Karissa claims that Spencer doesn't own the tape and that Spencer stole it when he and Heidi were separating while Karissa was there comforting Heidi.  Spencer stealing hat tape and camera is pretty much like how a homeless person steals money that is handed to them.  Karissa also says that she wishes she filmed the tape with Lindsay Lohan because no one would want to buy it.  Are you kidding?  That would be a hot seller.  Two things: let's not feel sorry for Karissa since she probably helped Spencer with the filming and let's leave sex tapes to the professionals or the actual amateurs.  So...anyone want to help me make a movie?

While all the sex tape hoopla is going on in the states, Heidi flew down to Costa Rica to have her breast implants reduced.  She is going to have them reduced from a size G to a normal sized DD because DD is average.  They must have used brain tissue to make those implants because I'm beginning to think the G in G-cup stands for "Goddamn you are stupid".

Hayden Panettiere was denied entrance into a night club this week because she isn't 21.  She turns 21 this weekend but she wanted to party last weekend.  She got pissed and complained that she had went to the night club before.  At least she didn't play the "Do you know who I am" card.  That would have backfired since her biggest work is dead.  If she wanted to get in all she had to do was ask the bouncer, "Do you want to feel the back of my throat?"

Gary Busey came across a traffic accident this week.  He called 911 and directed traffic until police responded.  He also helped comfort the people who were injured in the accident.  Some people are claiming Gary is a good Samaritan.  I think he just felt guilty because the accident was caused by his teeth.  One of the driver's were blinded by the glare from those gigantic teeth.  Maybe Gary's trying to shed his image of being a crazy drunk.  Not likely.  He will always be the craziest guy in Hollywood...sober or drunk.

Fantasia admitted that the other week she was taken to the hospital because she did try to kill herself.  There's also a rumor floating around that she did it because she is pregnant and can't reveal it because her guy is involved in divorce hearings.  The reason she says she didn't die is that she was texting her manager and he told her not to do anything drastic but she texted back and said she took a bunch of pills.  And right after she got done talking about trying to kill herself, Fantasia mentioned that her new album is coming out.  That is a hell of a way to promote it.  Maybe suicide attempts are the new sex tapes.

This is David Yost.  He was the blue ranger on Power Rangers.  This week he came out as gay.  He claims he suffered harassment on the set of Power Rangers because of his sexuality.  There is an interview with him on youtube which you can find on your own if you are a Power Rangers fan.  And to borrow a line from a post I read on Xanga this week, does this change your view of the Power Rangers.

Dave Chappelle turned 37 this week.  He's rich, bitch.  He'll never have to work again.  I knew he was the most popular comedian in the world and also I knew his career was likely in it's downfall when I was sitting in a restaurant and a drunk guy came in and was spouting off all Chappelle's catch-phrases.  The best was when he called the waitress over to the table.  "Hey, Donna...hey, Donna, come here."  "What do you need, sir?"  "I'm Rick James, bitch."  And then Donna walked away.  I miss New Ulm.

Hey, Brian Williams and I have something in common.  In an interview he said that he only wears pleated pants because flat front pants don't give him enough room.  I have problems like that.  In fact last night I had on a pair of new pants and I popped a few stitches.  I won't go into detail but I just thought you may like to know that about Brian so that you will never look at him in the same way.

Betty White won an Emmy for her hosting Saturday Night Live and that was it.  That's a damn shame.  She should have won every Emmy.  Betty wasn't at the ceremony because she needed a nap.  She's napping quite a bit lately because people worshipping her in public is tiring. 

So some of you are probably asking yourself, "Why is the Godfather bringing out a photo of Vivien Leigh?"  Well a biography is coming out that reveals some of the shady aspects of Scarlett O'Hara.  The gist of the book is that Vivien was a bi-polar bisexual nymphomaniac.  So how many of us are the reincarnated Vivien?  The book also claims that she was into rough sex and may have loved the erotic asphyxiation.  She also liked to get down and party with her co-stars.  The book also makes a claim that she would go cruising with directors of her movies and they would pick up sex partners for the night and she made them sign waivers of sorts that they wouldn't blab to the world that they "serviced" her.  She was also kicked out of many hotels because of her "partying".  I'm surprised they aren't claiming she needed a bukkake to get to sleep.  You know this really doesn't shock me.  I mean we've heard how Elvis and James Dean shared Nick Adams, Lucille Ball sucked her way to the top, Cary Grant had a sexual relationship with his stepson, and Bettie Davis probably killed one of her husbands.  Nothing really shocks me from that time.  How awesome would it be just to go pick some one up and not worry about getting busted by the cops?  Oh and if you need a prostitute, don't ask for sex.  Ask to take nude photos.  That's not illegal and undercover cops won't waste their time....knowing is half the battle.

What could be wrong with Amy Winehouse in this photo?  I know.  Paging Dr. Bobby Brown to pop a doody bubble (that will never go away).  Amy looks like she is passing gas or is posing for Playboy's new Constipated Beauties of London magazine.  I know!  She's trying to start a new internet meme...LOLWino...I can haz BM?

Adrianne Curry dressed as Princess Leia again but this time with a friend and they frolicked on a bed and then she posted the photo on Twitter.  It's good to see she is recovering well from her attempted molestation.  You know, she's been dressing as slave Leia for a month and posting the photos on Twitter.  I'm not complaining.  Hell, I wish I could be a slug-like alien with a bounty on a smuggler who dumped illegal cargo on my land.  God...I am such a nerd....a lonely nerd...anyone want to help?

Britney Spears is in Hawaii on vacation.  She is looking pretty good and let the rumors begin that Britney is coming back.  I've been hearing that for years.  Where is she coming back from?  The Keebler Elves' tree?  That would be fitting since lately all she serves is cookies.  Once again, Britney is looking good...man, it's like now when you have sex with her, you wouldn't want to go out and get a restraining order the next day.  Also, it must be really cold in Hawaii.

I know I already gave away one cast member but these are the other rumored contestants on Dancing with the Has-Beens Stars.  The top row (l to r) The Situation, Brandy, David Hasselhoff.  Middle row (l to r) Florence Henderson, Troy Aikman, Bristol Palin.  Bottom row (l to r) Jennifer Grey, Audrina Partridge, Michael Bolton.  Damn...that is a...cast.  I would love to see if they use Michael Bolton for more than dancing.  You know at some point on that show he's going to sing.  Bristol Palin...ugh...I hope her dancing is better than her acting.  So this cast includes America's most famous teen mom, the largest supplier of crotch crabs on the East Coast, and David Hasselhoff.  They really are scraping the bottom of the barrel.  Tune in to ABC on August 30th to see if my insider was correct.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Wow...I haven't done one of these posts in what seems like forever.  The Packers are lighting up the Colts and I am so excited for the season to begin.  I have special NFL post coming up so look for it.  I did a courier run for the hospital.  It was anything exciting so I felt let down but I did have a fun ride.  I wish I took my camera because I saw so many Amish out and about.  I guess it's fitting since Thursdays are their second holy day.  Link time.

1.  Wanna see why Artie Lange isn't good for TV and is banned from HBO?  Wanna see why the Joe Buck show didn't do well? Click here to see a video of Artie on the Joe Buck show.  If you don't want to watch, they did write out some of what Artie said that led to his banning.

2.  Here is a collection of awful fathers.  I know someone had a photo blog of bad parenting earlier this week but I forgot who it was.  Still, these photos aren't the worst I've seen.  I don't know if I should post them because I can imagine getting an EX rating for posting them.

3.  While I am posting links to photo collections...here's one to a nudist colony.  I never realized one could have so much fun while naked and not having sex.

4.  Oh man...I must be in one of those moods...here's a website devoted to crazy-ass sex toys.  Maybe I am no longer in a "mood".

5.  I put this link in a post but I really think we should sign this petition to make masturbation a sport.  One person left this reminder: "NASCAR is all about speed, control, concentration, and finesse. All of these are factors that attribute to exemplary masturbation. However masturbation can be appalling to some tight asses. (no pun intended) Sex Olympics SHOULD exist. We have the X games, special Olympics, winter Olympics. Such an event would be paramount (no pun intended again) to the development, and improvement of the coital arts. XXX games." Another said: "Tennis also takes lots of physical effort, involves loud grunting noises, and features balls going back and forth." And another wrote: "In more ways than even possible to count masturbation is way better than nascar and other sports. A few being, no carbon footprint, open to more athletes than any other sport, requires more concentration and endurance than any other sport I've ever tried."  If it was a sport, I'd be a champion by now.

6.  I have always been jealous of sports writers and every year I apply to write for the pro baseball teams of my area.  After seeing this sports column, I figure I am too smart to be a sports writer.

7.  Some guy started a list of things he would do to have sex with Scarlett Johansson.  Change Scarlett to Olivia Munn or a girl to be named later (see sports writer habit) and I would do a majority of those things.

8.  Is it Christmas?  Too bad that site only works one day a year.

9.  Just when you thought I was finished with photo collections, here's one of the saddest IMDB profiles.  Anne Sellors deserved an academy award for her role. 

10.  Do you ever watch the Olympics when they have late night coverage and they get some former athlete who used to be big in some sport try to give analysis on a sport they have no clue about?  Well this happened in 2004 when Mary Carilla ranted about badminton. 

11.  Since dreams are always a big topic, I found this site about a guy that appears in your dreams to be quite interesting.

12.  A few people asked where I got that Jeopardy clue I posted a few days ago...here it is.  Make your own.  I expect someone to make a post of Xanga Jeopardy.

I guess my last post fell a little flat...oh well.  The weather sure cooled down here.  I have been cooking like a madman because I don't feel bad when I heat up the house.  Tonight...crock pot pepper steak.  It smells so good right now.  I also have a courier run for the hospital coming up.  Hopefully I get to take some organs somewhere.  Ugh...my life is so boring.  I think I need to spice things up.  Maybe I will get me one of those Xanga crushes or a possible girlfriend.  I hear they are all the rage.

Wow, that is pleasant!  I bet he is good at interpersonal communications.

Apparently this guy has never heard the saying, "The tattoo does not make the man."

AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH Look out guy!  You have a zombie tattooed on your shoulder!  What?  That's your daughter?  My condolences.  I don't know if I will have kids but I do know that I would never have their image festooned upon my body.

I had a few parties with Das Boot and it looked nothing like that and the parties with Das Boot were not tattoo worthy, but the White House gun club basement parties, now those might be tattoo worthy especially when I mixed 151 with fireworks and Boom Boom's extra large mug and BB guns and flames all in a drunken mix.  Oh I think there was also some Hackstein Ice involved there too but ohhhh I never thought I would bring up Hackstein Ice again...gross.

I bet this guy gets a lot of hippy stoner chicks because girls love dolphins and hippy stoners love pot and bongs.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Get me some gauzes, STAT!  Oh wait, that isn't real...it looks SOOOOO lifelike!

I think this is the funniest Chewbaca tattoo out of all the 3 million Chewbaca tattoos out there.  I think I could look at this tattoo every day for the rest of my life and still laugh each time.  He looks like he is a differently-abled Wookie.

When this guy shows up at a party he doesn't need bongos or a bag of coke to have fun, he just wears shorts and the party begins.

At first I thought this was a Jawa from Star Wars and then I thought maybe it was the Sand Monster from Return of the Jedi but then I realized it was a dog....a poorly drawn dog.

I'll bite...

My guest blogger inspired me.  BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK!

I don't need 140 characters to say HELL NO!

Do you even know what a Wawa is, girl?

OMG...WORST!  TATTOO!  EVER!

This tattoo looks like it is trying to bite the person who put it on his body because of how horrible it looks.  This one reminds me of a guy in high school who got a tattoo.  He showed it off and said, "I paid 300 smackers for this."  Seriously, who calls dollars "smackers" anymore?  Then I asked what it was.  "A tiger."  "I didn't think tigers were blue." "Well this one is because it's my tiger.  Besides, it would have cost another 100 smackers for orange."

I thought it'd be a great idea to get a tattoo of my favorite TV when it is shut off. 

Little known fact...unicorns urinate rainbows that become cupcakes.  I will never eat another cupcake.

I love you, Xanga.

Me: I picked more apples today as well as two dozen jalapenos.  Things are going to get mighty spicy around here.  Cocky, how has your week been?
Cocky: Yeah...um...yeah....
Me: Cocky, why are you vigorously scratching your groin?
Cocky: New...sponsor...oh yeah the scratching makes it feel better.
Me: Actually, it is an old sponsor that decided to give us another chance.
Cocky: Well there product has some nasty side effects.

This blog brought to you by Cockburn's

Cockburn’s produces some of the world’s finest Ports; make sure you try the full range and experience the signature Cockburn’s taste, picking your favorite for different occasions.  Cockburn's does not cause a burning sensation in the genital region

Me: Cocky, our sponsor's product does not cause a burning sensation in that area.
Cocky:  If it doesn't why am I on fire?
Me: Well...I wonder if it has anything to do with your recent trip to Las Vegas and meeting up with that woman who looked like the horse.
Cocky: Oh yeah, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Me: How is Celine doing these days?
Cocky: Walking like she just got off a horse.
Me: *sigh* Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked, rocked, and ready to....god it burns so bad...MAKE IT STOP!

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am just a young girl and I have recently entered womanhood.  My mother died when I was young so I have no female in the house to help me with my problem so I thought that I would come to you first.  I am having trouble inserting tampons.  What should I do?
                                           Despondent in Dover
Me: Uh....I am so honored that you would come to this website for help with your problem.  I have no clue about the workings of said devices.  What you may want to do is go to a trusted female authority figure such as a teacher or someone at school.  While I was teaching I was faced with this problem.  I had one girl in my class and she had these issues so I escorted her to a female teacher who was young and considered "cool".  Maybe an aunt or female cousin could help.
Cocky: Get a plumber's helper and a flat head screwdriver and well that should resolve any problems you have.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What is the deal with 9/11?  What part don't you get?
                                          Conspiracies Abound in Corona
Me: Um...I guess the part about 9/11 that I don't get is how people have used that tragic event as a crutch to promote hate and racist propaganda.  Another thing I don't get is how our country can use that event to rattle sabers to bomb other countries into the 19th Century and that there is no need for diplomacy and the only good government is a democracy.  Didn't the communists try to convert all countries to practice communism?  I don't think that worked all that well.
Cocky:  9/11...it wears the late crown and is a joke in your town?  God bless Public Enemy.  OK, they can't all be jokes...why does 9/11 inspire more anger than sadness?  I doubt there were any brave fowl on those planes but dammit I don't get it.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Do you realize how much money you made me by picking the Blackhawks to win the Stanley Cup?  I get to take off two years from a job.  GOD BLESS YOU GUYS!
                                        Hockey Lover in Halifax
Me: In case you didn't know but back in 2009, Cocky picked the Blackhawks to win the Stanley Cup.  They didn't make it but Cocky rode the whole bird thing again in 2010 and he made a crapload of money.
Cocky: How does one measure a crapload?
Me: Well it can also measure how pissed off I am with you for picking a team from Illinois.
Cocky: I know...I just love to rub salt in those wounds.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Out of all my friends, I am the only one that supports our president.  Every time I bring up the subject of our president they begin using racist terms to describe him and telling racist jokes not to mention how that one day they believe someone will kill him.  Whenever I try to make a smart reply, I get tongue-tied.  What can I say to make them feel real dumb about what they just said?
                                         Tongue-Tied in Tennessee
Me: It must be difficult living in Tennessee and I applaud your boldness to present your support in the face of racism and short minded thinking. I think you are tongue tied because it's hard to justify reasoning with someone as simple minded as that. I'm sorry you still consider people like this your FRIENDS, not for the difference of opinion but because of the racism. I wouldn't even bother responding to that kind of viewpoint, but time will tell.
Cocky: Tennessee, huh? The next time any of those racist yokels go the simpleton route, you can throw out several phrases: "How many loads of whites do you have to wash after your clan meetings? Is it always just plain white or can you go eggshell?" or "Wow, that was original.
Did you and your sister come up with that after sex one night?" or "Racism is 1950 stupid... elevate your intelligence and we can elevate the debate.
" or you could point out that the reason they felt safe with that ignorant cokehead W in office is because he wasn't much smarter than their inbred, nose and banjo picking selves, but the best thing you could do is just tell them that it's a fact that people cannot lick their own elbow, and watch and laugh as they preoccupy themselves for hours trying to do it.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I have a question about lube.  I suffer from feminine dryness so when my boyfriend and I make love we always have to use lube.  Sometimes brand loyalty becomes a bother when making love.  Are there any lubes you can recommend?
                                         Dry in Dodgeville
Me: Well I understand what you mean when about monotony in the bedroom.  If you aren't about being discrete you could always go to your local Walgreen's and they have a variety of lubes amongst their contraceptives.  The only bad thing is that some Walgreen's have started keeping their lubes in locked cases so in order to purchase one must find a clerk and heaven forbid they need to call someone to assist you.  "MARGE to the lube counter!"  Your best bet is to try your nearest adult novelty store.  Recently I passed a billboard advertising The Beer Lube. Proceed with caution.
Cocky:You seriously are going to take lube advice from the Godfather?  The only "lube" he uses involves aloe and has a squeeze pump and says, "for dry hands".  Go out and get one of those heating lubes...MUY CALIENTE!  You want to use a small amount otherwise the friction and the heating, lets just I had some fried chicken in front of me the last time I used that kind.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Which social networking site do you prefer: Myspace or Facebook?
                                         Loser in Lomira
Me:  Well why isn't Xanga an option?  Oh yeah because every time people try to socialize or be funny it creates drama and people crying that white people and Christians are oppressed.  Well I am going to go with myspace and in a future blog entry I will tell you why even though I am not on myspace much these days because I love XANGA!
Cocky:  Why isn't Xpeeps and option?  The social networking site for adults and pornagraphers and the only site that has a Cocky appreciation group.  OK so maybe the group isn't named after me and they drop a letter in my name but it appreciates big dicks like the me and the Godfather.  Me in the sense of having a large penis and the Godfather in the sense of being a whiny liberal asshole.  I can't even upload photos with my name in them onto myspace so why bother.  Why hasn't any Xangan tackled the issue of cock oppression?

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I just joined a great company but I have found one flaw: a co-worker who works no more than 3 hours in an 8-hour workday. She spends time at lunch, shopping, personal phone calls, and chatting with other workers. Her behavior makes me think she has no respect for her fellow co-workers. I have to take up the slack. She has been here for two years and I just don't see how she keeps her job.  Should I make waves and complain about her performance, or go with the flow?
                                         Hard-worker in Hortonville
Me: I wouldn't advise making wave in your first days on the job.  If you complain you could rock a boat that no one wants moved.  You are working hard and she is working sub-par.  Maybe you were hired to make up for her incompetence.
Cocky:  The way I see it, if she isn't hanging out on Xanga all day giving the Godfather the eprops then you punch her in the throat and say, "Bitch, get your ass to work."  If that doesn't work, make a fake petition that is written to the president of the company asking for the manager to be fired.  Then when you see the manager hand him the petition and say, "Look what that incompetent ingrate gave me."  If that doesn't work, throat punches for everyone.

Disclaimer: I plan on time-stamping this piece and if you don't like time-stamping please don't tell me to quit xanga on my blog.  It's time-stamping.  Please, don't be like some mental deficient bloggers out there by reporting me to xanga for harassment because I time-stamped and you can't wrap your small mind around that.  Just block me and unsubscribe like a normal person.  Dang, I shouldn't have written this, Prince Zuko and the vegetarian vampires may attack me.

If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.  Please email me so I can keep being proactive on this totally outrageous paradigm.

From time to time I like to sit back and let others blog for me.  Over the past I have had guest bloggers cover the Israeli/Palestinian Conflict, The Economy, Swine Flu, The Nobel Prize, Xanga Suicide, The Times Square Bomb Scare, and The Oil Spill. 

I have my own opinions about this community center being built near Ground Zero but I cannot eloquently verbalize these opinions.  This is why I brouhgt in a guest blogger.  As before, I do not endorse the opinions of the guest blogger.

The Swedish Chef

Gersh gurndy morn-dee burn-dee, burn-dee, flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip.  Bork bork bork bork.
Der dee gundy goo dee bork bork gundy hoot doo nah nu.
Burr dis be hoon durr bis deen hoon goo gurndy Bork bork bork.
Vanyhoo vestidoo bork bork ver dis burr hoon dis ver shoon goon bork.
Lindesburg goo gurndy morn flip flip bork feston bork vish vont sag.
Bier ver gun gerh.  Lee lindholm bork sert bork dee day hoon deen bork bork bork.  Ven den hoot fert boon doot bork.
Leben sie bork deen loob ser doo doo bork fert an fort
Hoop dis beet doop bork bork dee poot borg.  Hoorda hoot borg morga dor.  Bork beency bouncy pippen gort bork eep borg. Ploos onee-a bleed vhee bleedeeng-a methoolesha vhu Fempure-a.  Eeetoodeeettuuddee veey beeg bork bork bork Barack ober uber Bjork. Zeee a wee a zeee gold welt.  Zee a molee yooo coon hetted foo. Flappen Jacken hooten bloonderhosen foon des burgabord die.
Spurns des durndle burg, what the hell

IF you laugh...you lose.

I think I should just start giving advice like I do in real life...My girlfriend won't let me have sex with her because she says she's sick.  Then you remind her that doctors stress the consumption of liquids while sick...wink wink nudge nudge say no more.

How do you spell "love" backwards?  D-O-G-G-Y-S-T-Y-L-E

I learned the hard way if you masturbate too much in the shower, you'll get an erection every time it rains.

I got scammed out of $3000 today, but things are already looking up...I just won the UK lottery & I didn't even enter it!

I saw Matthew Broderick this evening and told him to get off his high horse. Then he accused me of watching him and his wife having sex.

I think the Badgers are ranked too low this season.  From what I've seen of their practices they look amazing.  They may need to move to the NFL to get a competitive game.

I once heard it said that Canada is America's hat.  If this is true then Justin Bieber is head lice.

I get embarrassed because I drool when I sleep.  I guess I would rather drool when I am asleep rather than when I am awake.

I don't think mothers should be allowed to breastfeed their babies in public.  I mean. if you don't have enough candy for the whole class...

And now for your weekly dose of motivation...

Bonus Motivation

You're not gonna believe what just happened in the WSOP: some guy had a great hand, went all in, then lost on a tough beat.

I heard a baby crying this afternoon while I was picking apples (2 bushels).  I pretended that instead of having a temper tantrum, he was actually crying for me over the flooding in Pakistan or trapped Chilean miners.

You know you are drunk when people talk to you like how they talk to a puppy..."Good, boy.  Come here, boy.  Lay down.  Don't piss there!"  Yeah, I speak drunk fluidly.

Ladies...pardon me for being Blunt but, you're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true.

Did you know there is porno on the intertubes?! I've wasted so much time with Xanga when there are boobies to see!

Tonight you will be treated to three courses of Italian cooking.  I made this meal this weekend and I have eaten it for 4 meals.  The first recipe says "gravy".  It's not spaghetti sauce, it's gravy.  Sauce is something you buy in a can.  Gravy is a masterpiece that is slowly cooked, perfectly seasoned, with razor thin garlic slices and fresh grown herbs filling the house with the smell i remember from back in the day family style sunday dinners.

Bow-tie Pasta Primavera

4 C. vegetables, chopped or sliced (use any that are on hand: olives, peppers, cauliflower, broccoli, cucumber, tomatoes, etc.)

3 C. cooked bow-tie pasta

Vinaigrette

½ c olive oil                  2 T. Lemon juice          ½ C. balsamic vinegar  

¼ C. chopped basil      ½ tsp. salt                     1 tsp. mince garlic         ½ tsp. pepper

1 T. dried oregano        1 C. Romano or Parmesan cheese

Gently toss vegetables and pasta together.  In a separate bowl, whisk together vinaigrette ingredients and pour over salad.  Toss again.  Refrigerate overnight before serving.

The gravy comes from 1 when Clemenza teaches Michael how to cook for the family when they have to hit the mattresses.

Godfather Spaghetti Gravy

28 ox canned whole tomatoes (chopped)          1 tsp. basil                    2 T. olive oil

1 tsp. oregano              1 med. onion (chopped)            1 lb cooked Italian sausage pre-cooked and broken into fine pieces                        3 cloves of garlic crushed finely chopped

2 T. dry red table wine  1 large tin tomato paste             ¼ C. sugar

In a large saucepan heat oil over medium heat and cook onion and garlic until translucent.  Add tomatoes and cook until soft.  Stir in tomato paste, basil, and oregano.  Stir in meat until meat is thoroughly coated.  Stir in wine and sugar.  Reduce heat to low to medium low, simmer 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.  Ladle sauce over large bowls of spaghetti.

How to Cook Pasta

For one pound of pasta:

Bring to a boil a large pot of water (at least 3-4 quarts).  Add 1-2 tablespoons salt and stir till dissolved.  When water is at a full boil, add pasta and stir immediately to keep off bottom.  (As they say, stir, stir, stir, stir!)

Once the pasta is boiling again, stir occasionally until cooked al dente, which depends on the pasta- between 5 and 11 minutes (read the pasta box to know the general time, then subtract 2 minutes for first time to check for doneness).

Cook pasta to al dente (which means "to the teeth", or in Americanese, so you can bite through it with no hard bits-still chewy, not soft).  Remember, pasta will be hot and continue cooking when off the flame.  Drain immediately, reserving one cup or more of pasta water if needed.  (The easiest way to reserve pasta water is to dip out the amount you want to save before draining the pasta.)

I don't like to add oil to the water when cooking pasta.  If you're worried that the pasta will stick together, return it to the pot and toss it well with a little olive oil after draining.  The pasta should still have a little "glue" from the starch it gives off that binds it to the sauce.

Chocolate Dessert Lasagna

1 (8 ounce) package no-boil lasagna noodles                2 pounds ricotta cheese

1 cup powdered sugar              ½ cup unsweetened cocoa        2 large eggs

1 ½ cups mini chocolate chips   1 orange, zested           ½ cup roasted pistachios

4 ounces white chocolate, coarsely grated

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Bring a large pot of water to the boil and cook the noodles for 1 minute.  Drain them and put them into a bowl of ice water to stop the cooking.  Drain again and lay on paper towels to dry.

Whisk together the ricotta, sugar, cocoa powder, and eggs on medium speed with a hand or stand mixer.  Scraping down the sides of the bowl, until it is ell blended.  Stir in the chocolate chips and orange zest.  Spread ¼ of the cheese mixture into the bottom of an 8 by 8-inch baking dish.  Sprinkle some of the pistachios over the top and press on a layer of noodles.  Repeat, ending with the ricotta mixture and pistachios.  Bake for 35 to 40 minutes, or until the lasagna has risen.  Remove the pan from the oven and evenly sprinkle the white chocolate over it.  Let cool, cut, and serve.

R Kelly and Chuck Berry have introduced their own line of fireworks.

Fitting for a cooking blog

If you go to their pawn shop, whatever you do, don't ask for a copy of Battletoads.