I went out for supper with my parents.  I was trying to explain something to my dad and it was like an old Abbott and Costello routine.  I seriously think God put me on this world to be a straight man.  Anyway, he kept forgetting or misconstruing what I was saying and finally our conversation ended when he said, "Oh...ZZ Top...'He's got legs'"  "Dad it's 'She's got legs'"  "Whatever"  My dad is acting like a teenage girl at times.  Oh and one word for all you: Culver's.  On to the round up.  Some images may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW & NSFL.

Wyclef Jean is allegedly trying to run for president of Haiti.  Recently he compared himself to Moses, the guy in the Bible...not my jewelry guy.  Wyclef wants to lead the people of Haiti to the promised land.  What, he plans to bring them all to Wisconsin?  I guess that wouldn't be bad since it seems like there is only 5 people left in Haiti.  I think the reason why Wyclef is so interested in becoming president is because he heard all the stories of blow jobs that Bill Clinton received while in office.  Sean Penn told CNN that he thinks there is something behind Wyclef's presidential bid and that he doesn't trust him.  Hmmm...so who am I to trust?  A musician or a movie star?  Anyone that gets their political knowledge from an entertainer needs to be shot.

There is a story circulating that a few weeks ago Tila Tequila filmed a porn.  She claims that the story is being spread by a disgruntled ex-employee.  Based on her track record, I have no doubt she filmed a porn.  Hell, it'd be the sanest thing she's ever done and probably where she next intended to take her career.

This is Sophie Turner.  I had to post this photo because she is not properly stretching and is risking a hamstring injury.  Hey, what can I say?  I am a man who takes his stretching seriously.

Snooki was arrested in Miami for being a drunk tard and these are her mugshots.  She is such a hot mess.  I bet there is a queen somewhere that is so jealous of Snooki's beauty that she will give Snooki a poisoned apple.  The mugshot isn't the cruelest form of humiliation that Snooki has suffered.  It also isn't being the same color as Fanta orange pop or being as wide as she is tall.  No, the cruelest form of humiliation Snooki has suffered is getting paid huge amounts of money for her TV show and not being tall enough to access the ATM machine.

After being jailed, Snooki kept it classy by ordering a drink that had a penis straw.  OK so maybe I'm getting a little turned on here.  I am single so give me a break.

I think this is the first time that Siegfried and Roy have made it to the Celebrity Round Up.  Anyway, Roy Horn is being sued for sexual harassment.  The accuser said that Roy has been groping his genitals amongst other things.  The strangest thing is that the accuser is not a tiger but an actual human male.  Roy was disabled 7 years ago in a tiger attack but that hasn't stopped him from trying to get freaky.  The accuser claims that Roy would drop things in front of himself and when the assistant would go to pick it up, Roy would force the assistant's face into Roy's crotch.  Other times Roy would grope the assistant's genitals.  I thought he and Siegfried were straight and the closest thing they came to sex was lounging on water-beds with a light breeze from a fan blowing on their freshly waxed chests while feeding each other grapes in front of a group of tigers.  My world is shattered.  I bet all the anti-gay people will say this is what legalized gay marriage will become.  Two words:  Tiger Woods.  Hmmm maybe Siegfried and Roy should adopt Tiger.  That may cure Tiger of all his sexual advances on Perkins waitresses and porn stars.

Paris Hilton is in Ibiza on the set of a music video for one of her new songs.  She has new music?  Are my ears bleeding yet?  Oddly enough I want Paris' life minus the looks, personality, and sexually transmitted diseases.  Whenever she "works" it's nothing more than a big island party.  How cool would that be to do for a living? 

This is a still from Montana Fishburne's porn movie.  Due to interest, Vivid has rushed production and is trying to get the DVDs on the porn shelves as soon as they can.  Montana, whose porn name is Chippy D, says her role model is Kim Kardashian.  Well, there you go.  She emulates a girl whose rise to fame came from being in a homemade porn.  The funny thing is, this isn't Montana's first foray into the world of adult entertainment.  She appeared under the name Chippy D in a movie titled Phattys, Rhymes, and Dimes 14.  Her screen name is Chippy D?  That sounds like some rejected hip-hop Chipmunk who had to turn to porn to make ends meet...oh wait.  It turns out that Montana isn't a virgin in the sex industry.  She has been busted for prostitution and is currently on probation.  She also had to serve 105 hours of Californian beautification, 15 hours community service, STD education, and get an AIDs test.  Apparently nothing set in with her.  Friends of Lawrence Fishburne approached Vivid Entertainment and tried to purchase all the copies of her DVD for $1million and then they would melt every copy but Vivid already shipped them.  She said porn has been something she's wanted to do for some time.  While waiting for the school bus, she was probably wishing for the Bang Bus to show up.  She explains, "Being in an adult film is not a big deal to me. It's something I always wanted to do. I have always been comfortable in my body and with my sexuality. I am not in porn to get into acting. I am in porn because I wanted to be in porn."  This is our future, folks.

Martha Stewart turned 69 this week.  Yes, that is an old photo and is really Martha.  You want to know how I know it's her?  Well she sewed that bathing suit and she hand-crafted the chair.

This is for Rob_of_the_Sky if he even reads this.  You know those old episodes of The Simpsons where they look into the future?  Well in an episode from 1995, it predicted that Lisa would be married on August 1st of this year.  You know what this says about me?  I am old and a nerd.  I'll just say that when The Simpsons Christmas special aired, I was the same age as Bart.  Can anyone except Rob_of_the_Sky tell me the significance of the pigs?  I would say that this was the biggest celebrity wedding this week but Lisa and Hugh never did go through with it.

Lindsay Lohan is out of jail.  Lock up all your prescription drugs.  Well actually she is heading to rehab first.  The story changes on a daily basis as to what she is addicted to.  Some say Ambien, Adderal, Diuladid, or cocaine.  TMZ has reported that Lindsay is addicted to meth.  It's quite apparent that Lindsay has an addicting personality...I suck.

As soon as she leaves rehab, Lindsay is set to join the Church of Scientology.  Considering how this religion preys on incompetent and feeble-minded celebrities, it's a shock that she hasn't joined already.  Watch out for her career to take off like another Scientologist, Kirstie Alley.

Lily Allen has come down with a case of the babies.  She and her boyfriend announced this week that Lily is three months along.  I know in the past I have mentioned my love for Lily but I guess that love is dead...sigh...let's send her some positive thoughts since her last pregnancy ended with a miscarriage.  I hope Lily and baby are happy and healthy.

This week Lady Gaga said some crazy shit.  First, she said that she occasionally likes to snort coke but she doesn't want her fans to do that.  Lady Gaga does drugs...go figure.  She also fears that she will lose creativity through her vagina and worries when a guy penetrates her.  Well, I hate to break it to you but in order to lose creativity you must have creativity.  Pissed off?  Like I've said before, get a DeLorean, get a flux capacitor, get your speed up to 88mph, go back to 1985, and look for a person named Madonna.

Ke$ha made an appearance at a press conference for a new concert series in which she will be performing but before she got to the conference it appears as if she blew a Smurf or would that be blue a Smurf.  Homonyms...FTW!

It looks like Katy Perry washed up on shore wearing nothing but fishnets for a Rolling Stone photo shoot.  That is basically how most of my dreams play out.  Katy Perry is replaced by other ladies and they never wash up for a photo shoot.

Katy Perry is an awesome girlfriend.  She bought her boyfriend, Russell Brand, a $200,000 ticket to fly in space.  The flight also includes 3 days of intense training.  I am so jealous because as a nerd I want to be in outer space but truth be told, I'd rather date Betty White.  You laugh.  The reason I'd date Betty White is because that way I can go anywhere and mouth off.  I could cause bar fights on a nightly basis and Betty White would have my back.  What you don't know is that Betty White is an accomplished street fighter and will fight dirty.

It seems like just yesterday Justin Bieber learned his alphabet.  Despite this, he is set to write an autobiography.  The book is tentatively titled: Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story.  Holy shit!  It has to be great because it has two colons in the title!  It will hit shelves in October.  Remember a few weeks ago when I posted a link to a collection of his quotes?  Well here are some from the literary genius, Justin Bieber, so you can get ready for his masterpiece: "It's kind of hard to balance school and work sometimes. But sometimes, like, if I'm going to the White House and I'm in there doing a tour and stuff, that's like school."  "I'm just a regular 16 year old kid. I make good grilled cheese and I like girls."  “People write to me and say, ‘I’m giving up, you’re not talking to me.’ I just write them a simple message like, ‘Never give up,’ you know? And it changes their life.”  Sadly, I bet this book will be a best-seller and probably sell more copies than the Bible.

Johnny Depp is in Hawaii and he's shirtless.  Are you tingly yet, ladies?  You're welcome.

Last week I wrote about how Casey Affleck had a sexual harassment lawsuit filed against him.  Well, this week he was sued again.  According to a cinematographer named Magdalena Gorka, one night Casey crawled into her bed while she was asleep.  She said he was wearing underwear and was caressing her.  She also said his breath reeked of booze.  After she kicked him out of the room, the onslaught began.  Casey would continually harass her for not having sex with him so she quit the production and is suing him for $2.25million.  This movie better rake in the money just so he can cover his legal expenses. 

This is an early poster for the Joaquin Phoenix "documentary".  It is about the time when Joaquin said he was retiring from acting to pursue a rap career.  I really think the film should be renamed, "Casey Affleck Harassed Everyone on Set During Production".

Jessica Simpson posted this photo of her and her boyfriend, Eric Johnson, kissing on Twitter.  She seems distracted.  What could possibly distract Jessica from a kiss?  Yes...a corndog.

This is Jake Gyllenhaal's grade school picture.  The haircut says MasterCuts and the glasses scream LensCrafters.  I bet Reese Witherspoon is kicking herself for breaking up with him and seeing what their children would have looked like.

Holly Madison recently said that she bought her friend a breast enlargement.  The friend went from an A-cup to a D-cup.  What a friend!  Sadly, ditzy blondes with big boobs are a dime a dozen in Hollywood.  If they get a job in the entertainment industry their title is usually "stripper".

Emma Watson cut her hair.  I wonder if she used a Flowbee to cut her mane.  I try to think of the attractive short haired women celebrities...Mia Farrow...Hilary Swank...Justin Bieber....ok maybe not.  Anyway, Emma looks great.  This is what we call a "fuck you haircut".  She made over $30million from her appearances in the Harry Potter movies so once she was done she said "fuck you" and cut her hair.

Charlie Sheen will not be going to jail.  He got three months of probation, 36 hours of anger management, and a visit to rehab for attempting to stab his wife in the throat.  I guess this means you need at least 10 IMDB credits to get you out of trouble so that means I'm screwed.

It's a sad day in America.  Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have announced that they are no longer dating so their marriage is off.  That means you have to return the camouflage blender to Walmart.  Bristol claims that she called off the wedding because Levi was only interested in being famous.  She really needs to quit playing the victim.  The last time I checked it took two people to make a baby consensually.  I bet the real reasons she called off the wedding was because they didn't get a shitty reality series.

B.J. Novak turned 31 this week.  He is a major player in Hollywood and I am one year younger and what have I done with my life....yeah, catcalling celebrities on Xanga.  I'm the man.

Avirl Lavigne...we've had our differences in the past with your faux-punk lifestyle and your crappy music but PEEK-A-BOOB!

Oh...AnnaLynne McCord...I think I am falling in love with you.  I guess that's what happens when your name sounds and looks like "anal", you dress like an escort, and your eyes scream that you want to throw me on my desk and do me reverse cowgirl until sunrise.  Of course it would only be a matter of time before I fall in love.

Every once in a while a woman who appears to be a homeless crackhead can clean up and become presentable and then there's Amy Winehouse.

A few weeks ago I wrote how police were investigating Al Gore for rape.  A masseuse claims that while she was massaging Al, he raped her.  Well after the investigation, it turns out that Al is innocent.  The masseuse took a polygraph test and failed.  There was also a rumor that she made up the story to get money from a tabloid.  When asked about this during the polygraph, she refused to answer.  Al is innocent of rape but he's probably not innocent of being a lecher since all politicians are lechers and have been since the beginning of politics and that's an inconvenient truth.

Britney Spears has been helping Mel Gibson through his recent crisis.  I guess that makes her Dr. Phillbilly.  Her first rule of therapy with Mel was to get her something from Starbucks.  Whatever it is she is drinking, it's filled with extra sexiness.  She is quite noticeable in public.  Starbucks?  Check.  Stain on shirt?  Check.  Visible nipples?  Check.  Insane look on face?  Double check.  Stolen sugar packets?  Check.  Hell, that doesn't sound like a therapy session at all.  Britney must be on a date.

Last weekend Chelsea Clinton married long-time boyfriend Marc Mevinsky.  Apparently it was a beautiful ceremony and blah blah blah.  All I want to know is how many bridesmaids Bill banged or gave the cigar treatment in a port-a-potty.  In case you missed the motivation post...Bill gave his son-in-law a box of cigars and a lifetime supply of Tide with stain lifter.

Video Section:
This is our future, people.  This is a son of one of the members of the Insane Clown Posse.

Before they were Famous: Paul Rudd.  One of my goals in life is to be a bat mitzvah DJ.

Paul Rudd: Bat Mitzvah DJ from Jewish Forward on Vimeo.

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend.
Do you like me?  ____ yes   ____ no _____ maybe ______ I wanna screw your brains out.