I have been thinking about embarrassing moments today and thought I would share some of mine.  No, it's not the time I was in 8th grade when the class nerd, sitting in front of me bent over and his ass crack was exposed and I nudged only girl in class to look as I act like I am going to pour milk down his pants.  She said she would suck my dick if I did it.  I am shocked and in catatonic state.  The nerd turns around and asks "What's wrong?"  "SHUT UP YOU FUCKING NERD AND BEND OVER!" ♥

No, not the time I was sitting next to a hot girl in high school and she mouthed "Want to go out" and I said yes only to realize she was talking to guy sitting next to me. ♫

Not the time I was at a Pizza Hut with a friend and my parents.  My friend and I were imitating pro-wrestling as we waited for parents to pay for meal.  He faked punched me, I fall backwards and hit the fire alarm.  Lights and alarms go off and then police show up.  ☺

I won't even tell you how embarrassed I am to have a small penis despite meeting prerequisites for having a large one.  Nor will I mention the time how I was on a bus in high school (yes, I rode bus in high school=extra embarrassment) these girls were making some formula as to how to tell how long a dong was.  Ask me my height and shoe size.  They write down the figures and then I hear them gasp and say, "I have to see it."  I never do anything.  ♂

I won't write about the time I liked this girl and worked up balls to ask her out.  I was visiting college because the school where I was student teaching had off.  I found her in the cafeteria and we talked.  I asked if she wanted to hang out.  She asked, "What...just with you?"  I nodded.  "Would that be a date?"  "I guess."  "Then...no...I'll be busy."  ♀

No, I am going to tell you the story of how my life got flipped and turned upside down.  Just sit down, if you already aren't because this may take more than a minute.  If you didn't know from my previous posts, I was born in raised in the mean streets of West Philadelphia.  It was so rough and unsafe.  The only thing we had for fun was the playground so most days that is where I would chill.  I was so cool.  But one day some of the hoods in our community started messing with me and my friends.  I couldn't stand it any longer so I went up to these hood and started throwing punches left and right.  They took off running as did my friends but my friends ran and told my mom.  She came and dragged me home.  She made some phone calls and then came to my room and told me that I was going to go live with my uncle and aunt in Bel Air.  The plane ride was pretty uneventful.  I gathered my bags and stood in front of the terminal waiting for a taxi.  One finally pulled up and I noticed two things: the license plate was vanity plate and said "FRESH" and there were fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror.  The driver took me to my aunt and uncle's mansion.  He couldn't have gotten there fast enough because he had an extremely bad case of body odor.  But I was excited because I had finally made it to Bel Air. ♠

Bobby Thompson died.

Has anyone with less talent had a longer shelf life than Ke$ha?  Even Paris Hilton could do sex tricks in nightvision.  Ke$ha should film a sex tape with the rapper Curren$y because it makes ¢ents.

Are you having trouble fitting in?  Try KY Jelly.  Looking for a good morning cardio routine? Tape money to your clothes and jog by homeless people.  Are you sad because he left you? If you liked it, then you should've put a NuvaRing® in it.

I'd like to announce my retirement from making fun of Brett Favre.

In other career moves, Dane Cook has decided to try his hand at comedy.

I don't care if there is a resurgence in popularity, Four Square is for squares.

It's good to see Haley Joe Osmet back in the movie industry.  Too bad he was scooping up my popcorn at the Desert Star Cinema.

Here's you weekly dose of motivation:

And I'm back...the Messiah has returned to Minnesota.  The three wisemen must have blew him properly.

Brett Favre is the herpes of the NFL.  Treatable, but an embarrassing inconvenience that never fully goes away.  It just keeps coming back again and again and again long after the fun is gone.

The NFL, to appease Favre's ego, is planning on renaming the interception, "the Favre".  "Brett Favre back in the pocket, he's throwing deep, and once again he's Favred."

Dear Brent Favre,
Thank you for taking the heat off me by creating a bigger self-absorbed circus about "where will he go".  Call me when you're in Miami.  Maybe we can do an ESPN special about our decision where we plan on eating.
                        Thanks,
                                   LeBron Jones

Brett Favre is a terrorist.  He's held 3 organizations captive the past 7 years and the horrible thing is that Vikings fans are acting like Favre is the second coming of Herschel Walker.

And now I am officially retiring from making fun of Brett Favre.

Have a great night.