Wow...I haven't done one of these posts in what seems like forever.  The Packers are lighting up the Colts and I am so excited for the season to begin.  I have special NFL post coming up so look for it.  I did a courier run for the hospital.  It was anything exciting so I felt let down but I did have a fun ride.  I wish I took my camera because I saw so many Amish out and about.  I guess it's fitting since Thursdays are their second holy day.  Link time.

1.  Wanna see why Artie Lange isn't good for TV and is banned from HBO?  Wanna see why the Joe Buck show didn't do well? Click here to see a video of Artie on the Joe Buck show.  If you don't want to watch, they did write out some of what Artie said that led to his banning.

2.  Here is a collection of awful fathers.  I know someone had a photo blog of bad parenting earlier this week but I forgot who it was.  Still, these photos aren't the worst I've seen.  I don't know if I should post them because I can imagine getting an EX rating for posting them.

3.  While I am posting links to photo collections...here's one to a nudist colony.  I never realized one could have so much fun while naked and not having sex.

4.  Oh man...I must be in one of those moods...here's a website devoted to crazy-ass sex toys.  Maybe I am no longer in a "mood".

5.  I put this link in a post but I really think we should sign this petition to make masturbation a sport.  One person left this reminder: "NASCAR is all about speed, control, concentration, and finesse. All of these are factors that attribute to exemplary masturbation. However masturbation can be appalling to some tight asses. (no pun intended) Sex Olympics SHOULD exist. We have the X games, special Olympics, winter Olympics. Such an event would be paramount (no pun intended again) to the development, and improvement of the coital arts. XXX games." Another said: "Tennis also takes lots of physical effort, involves loud grunting noises, and features balls going back and forth." And another wrote: "In more ways than even possible to count masturbation is way better than nascar and other sports. A few being, no carbon footprint, open to more athletes than any other sport, requires more concentration and endurance than any other sport I've ever tried."  If it was a sport, I'd be a champion by now.

6.  I have always been jealous of sports writers and every year I apply to write for the pro baseball teams of my area.  After seeing this sports column, I figure I am too smart to be a sports writer.

7.  Some guy started a list of things he would do to have sex with Scarlett Johansson.  Change Scarlett to Olivia Munn or a girl to be named later (see sports writer habit) and I would do a majority of those things.

8.  Is it Christmas?  Too bad that site only works one day a year.

9.  Just when you thought I was finished with photo collections, here's one of the saddest IMDB profiles.  Anne Sellors deserved an academy award for her role. 

10.  Do you ever watch the Olympics when they have late night coverage and they get some former athlete who used to be big in some sport try to give analysis on a sport they have no clue about?  Well this happened in 2004 when Mary Carilla ranted about badminton. 

11.  Since dreams are always a big topic, I found this site about a guy that appears in your dreams to be quite interesting.

12.  A few people asked where I got that Jeopardy clue I posted a few days ago...here it is.  Make your own.  I expect someone to make a post of Xanga Jeopardy.

I guess my last post fell a little flat...oh well.  The weather sure cooled down here.  I have been cooking like a madman because I don't feel bad when I heat up the house.  Tonight...crock pot pepper steak.  It smells so good right now.  I also have a courier run for the hospital coming up.  Hopefully I get to take some organs somewhere.  Ugh...my life is so boring.  I think I need to spice things up.  Maybe I will get me one of those Xanga crushes or a possible girlfriend.  I hear they are all the rage.

Wow, that is pleasant!  I bet he is good at interpersonal communications.

Apparently this guy has never heard the saying, "The tattoo does not make the man."

AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH Look out guy!  You have a zombie tattooed on your shoulder!  What?  That's your daughter?  My condolences.  I don't know if I will have kids but I do know that I would never have their image festooned upon my body.

I had a few parties with Das Boot and it looked nothing like that and the parties with Das Boot were not tattoo worthy, but the White House gun club basement parties, now those might be tattoo worthy especially when I mixed 151 with fireworks and Boom Boom's extra large mug and BB guns and flames all in a drunken mix.  Oh I think there was also some Hackstein Ice involved there too but ohhhh I never thought I would bring up Hackstein Ice again...gross.

I bet this guy gets a lot of hippy stoner chicks because girls love dolphins and hippy stoners love pot and bongs.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Get me some gauzes, STAT!  Oh wait, that isn't real...it looks SOOOOO lifelike!

I think this is the funniest Chewbaca tattoo out of all the 3 million Chewbaca tattoos out there.  I think I could look at this tattoo every day for the rest of my life and still laugh each time.  He looks like he is a differently-abled Wookie.

When this guy shows up at a party he doesn't need bongos or a bag of coke to have fun, he just wears shorts and the party begins.

At first I thought this was a Jawa from Star Wars and then I thought maybe it was the Sand Monster from Return of the Jedi but then I realized it was a dog....a poorly drawn dog.

I'll bite...

My guest blogger inspired me.  BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK!

I don't need 140 characters to say HELL NO!

Do you even know what a Wawa is, girl?

OMG...WORST!  TATTOO!  EVER!

This tattoo looks like it is trying to bite the person who put it on his body because of how horrible it looks.  This one reminds me of a guy in high school who got a tattoo.  He showed it off and said, "I paid 300 smackers for this."  Seriously, who calls dollars "smackers" anymore?  Then I asked what it was.  "A tiger."  "I didn't think tigers were blue." "Well this one is because it's my tiger.  Besides, it would have cost another 100 smackers for orange."

I thought it'd be a great idea to get a tattoo of my favorite TV when it is shut off. 

Little known fact...unicorns urinate rainbows that become cupcakes.  I will never eat another cupcake.

I love you, Xanga.

Me: I picked more apples today as well as two dozen jalapenos.  Things are going to get mighty spicy around here.  Cocky, how has your week been?
Cocky: Yeah...um...yeah....
Me: Cocky, why are you vigorously scratching your groin?
Cocky: New...sponsor...oh yeah the scratching makes it feel better.
Me: Actually, it is an old sponsor that decided to give us another chance.
Cocky: Well there product has some nasty side effects.

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Cockburn’s produces some of the world’s finest Ports; make sure you try the full range and experience the signature Cockburn’s taste, picking your favorite for different occasions.  Cockburn's does not cause a burning sensation in the genital region

Me: Cocky, our sponsor's product does not cause a burning sensation in that area.
Cocky:  If it doesn't why am I on fire?
Me: Well...I wonder if it has anything to do with your recent trip to Las Vegas and meeting up with that woman who looked like the horse.
Cocky: Oh yeah, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Me: How is Celine doing these days?
Cocky: Walking like she just got off a horse.
Me: *sigh* Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked, rocked, and ready to....god it burns so bad...MAKE IT STOP!

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am just a young girl and I have recently entered womanhood.  My mother died when I was young so I have no female in the house to help me with my problem so I thought that I would come to you first.  I am having trouble inserting tampons.  What should I do?
                                           Despondent in Dover
Me: Uh....I am so honored that you would come to this website for help with your problem.  I have no clue about the workings of said devices.  What you may want to do is go to a trusted female authority figure such as a teacher or someone at school.  While I was teaching I was faced with this problem.  I had one girl in my class and she had these issues so I escorted her to a female teacher who was young and considered "cool".  Maybe an aunt or female cousin could help.
Cocky: Get a plumber's helper and a flat head screwdriver and well that should resolve any problems you have.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What is the deal with 9/11?  What part don't you get?
                                          Conspiracies Abound in Corona
Me: Um...I guess the part about 9/11 that I don't get is how people have used that tragic event as a crutch to promote hate and racist propaganda.  Another thing I don't get is how our country can use that event to rattle sabers to bomb other countries into the 19th Century and that there is no need for diplomacy and the only good government is a democracy.  Didn't the communists try to convert all countries to practice communism?  I don't think that worked all that well.
Cocky:  9/11...it wears the late crown and is a joke in your town?  God bless Public Enemy.  OK, they can't all be jokes...why does 9/11 inspire more anger than sadness?  I doubt there were any brave fowl on those planes but dammit I don't get it.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Do you realize how much money you made me by picking the Blackhawks to win the Stanley Cup?  I get to take off two years from a job.  GOD BLESS YOU GUYS!
                                        Hockey Lover in Halifax
Me: In case you didn't know but back in 2009, Cocky picked the Blackhawks to win the Stanley Cup.  They didn't make it but Cocky rode the whole bird thing again in 2010 and he made a crapload of money.
Cocky: How does one measure a crapload?
Me: Well it can also measure how pissed off I am with you for picking a team from Illinois.
Cocky: I know...I just love to rub salt in those wounds.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Out of all my friends, I am the only one that supports our president.  Every time I bring up the subject of our president they begin using racist terms to describe him and telling racist jokes not to mention how that one day they believe someone will kill him.  Whenever I try to make a smart reply, I get tongue-tied.  What can I say to make them feel real dumb about what they just said?
                                         Tongue-Tied in Tennessee
Me: It must be difficult living in Tennessee and I applaud your boldness to present your support in the face of racism and short minded thinking. I think you are tongue tied because it's hard to justify reasoning with someone as simple minded as that. I'm sorry you still consider people like this your FRIENDS, not for the difference of opinion but because of the racism. I wouldn't even bother responding to that kind of viewpoint, but time will tell.
Cocky: Tennessee, huh? The next time any of those racist yokels go the simpleton route, you can throw out several phrases: "How many loads of whites do you have to wash after your clan meetings? Is it always just plain white or can you go eggshell?" or "Wow, that was original.
Did you and your sister come up with that after sex one night?" or "Racism is 1950 stupid... elevate your intelligence and we can elevate the debate.
" or you could point out that the reason they felt safe with that ignorant cokehead W in office is because he wasn't much smarter than their inbred, nose and banjo picking selves, but the best thing you could do is just tell them that it's a fact that people cannot lick their own elbow, and watch and laugh as they preoccupy themselves for hours trying to do it.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I have a question about lube.  I suffer from feminine dryness so when my boyfriend and I make love we always have to use lube.  Sometimes brand loyalty becomes a bother when making love.  Are there any lubes you can recommend?
                                         Dry in Dodgeville
Me: Well I understand what you mean when about monotony in the bedroom.  If you aren't about being discrete you could always go to your local Walgreen's and they have a variety of lubes amongst their contraceptives.  The only bad thing is that some Walgreen's have started keeping their lubes in locked cases so in order to purchase one must find a clerk and heaven forbid they need to call someone to assist you.  "MARGE to the lube counter!"  Your best bet is to try your nearest adult novelty store.  Recently I passed a billboard advertising The Beer Lube. Proceed with caution.
Cocky:You seriously are going to take lube advice from the Godfather?  The only "lube" he uses involves aloe and has a squeeze pump and says, "for dry hands".  Go out and get one of those heating lubes...MUY CALIENTE!  You want to use a small amount otherwise the friction and the heating, lets just I had some fried chicken in front of me the last time I used that kind.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Which social networking site do you prefer: Myspace or Facebook?
                                         Loser in Lomira
Me:  Well why isn't Xanga an option?  Oh yeah because every time people try to socialize or be funny it creates drama and people crying that white people and Christians are oppressed.  Well I am going to go with myspace and in a future blog entry I will tell you why even though I am not on myspace much these days because I love XANGA!
Cocky:  Why isn't Xpeeps and option?  The social networking site for adults and pornagraphers and the only site that has a Cocky appreciation group.  OK so maybe the group isn't named after me and they drop a letter in my name but it appreciates big dicks like the me and the Godfather.  Me in the sense of having a large penis and the Godfather in the sense of being a whiny liberal asshole.  I can't even upload photos with my name in them onto myspace so why bother.  Why hasn't any Xangan tackled the issue of cock oppression?

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I just joined a great company but I have found one flaw: a co-worker who works no more than 3 hours in an 8-hour workday. She spends time at lunch, shopping, personal phone calls, and chatting with other workers. Her behavior makes me think she has no respect for her fellow co-workers. I have to take up the slack. She has been here for two years and I just don't see how she keeps her job.  Should I make waves and complain about her performance, or go with the flow?
                                         Hard-worker in Hortonville
Me: I wouldn't advise making wave in your first days on the job.  If you complain you could rock a boat that no one wants moved.  You are working hard and she is working sub-par.  Maybe you were hired to make up for her incompetence.
Cocky:  The way I see it, if she isn't hanging out on Xanga all day giving the Godfather the eprops then you punch her in the throat and say, "Bitch, get your ass to work."  If that doesn't work, make a fake petition that is written to the president of the company asking for the manager to be fired.  Then when you see the manager hand him the petition and say, "Look what that incompetent ingrate gave me."  If that doesn't work, throat punches for everyone.

Disclaimer: I plan on time-stamping this piece and if you don't like time-stamping please don't tell me to quit xanga on my blog.  It's time-stamping.  Please, don't be like some mental deficient bloggers out there by reporting me to xanga for harassment because I time-stamped and you can't wrap your small mind around that.  Just block me and unsubscribe like a normal person.  Dang, I shouldn't have written this, Prince Zuko and the vegetarian vampires may attack me.

If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.  Please email me so I can keep being proactive on this totally outrageous paradigm.