The Bestest Wedding Ever
It all took place in the booze soaked summer of 2001.  I was working in the tourist town and three classmates had come down to work for the summer.  We spent most evenings sucking back cheap beers at the Irish pub next to my job site.  It was such a blast.  But that isn't where the story begins.

Upon the start of my junior year of college, my roommate D told me he was getting married.  This wasn't that shocking since he had grown so close to his girlfriend over the past school year.  She lived in Milwaukee and moved to the town I like to call Little College on the Prairie...either that or the Holy Hill.  D spent most of his time with the girlfriend but he was kind enough to come back the night I turned 21 to make sure I didn't die.  It's a good thing too.  I may have choked on my vomit.  He also loved her so much that he skipped out on a choir concert so he could spend alone time with her in our room.  My dad was shocked when he beat me back to my room after the concert and caught them in bed...not just any bed but my bed.  Before she moved to Little College on the Prairie, she sent D an inflatable pool toy that just happened to be shaped as a woman.  No, it wasn't a sex doll because sex dolls have orifices.  This was just a blow up pool toy who happened to look like D's girlfriend.  Then the dorm supervisor/pastor saw "her" while I was in my room.  He said I should be disgusted and he made me destroy the doll.  I pulled out a knife from my back pocket and field dressed the doll.  He was shocked at my knife and that was the last time we had any interaction.

So D and his girlfriend H loved each other and as a roommate I was asked to stand up in the wedding.  I said, "Hot damn!"  Well one of my friends from college who was working in the tourist town was also in the wedding so we decided to go up to Fon du Lac (from henceforth will be called Fondle Sac) the day of the rehearsal so we could also get fitted for tuxes and find a hotel room.  The only problem was I was driving and being a man didn't need directions.  About 20 minutes into our journey I scream, "Shit!"  The Croatian Sensation asks what was wrong.  "We're headed southeast when we should be going northeast."  We finally arrive at D's parents' house and as we get out of the car we have beer thrust in our hands.  The Croatian Sensation started talking about find a place for him and I to say.  D's mom said that it would be impossible to find a hotel room because there was some big airplane convention going on that weekend and every hotel from Green Bay to Milwaukee was booked up.  They gave us their mobile home.  We set up in the digs and had another beer or three.  D comes in and gets us to get to the tux shop. 

I hop into my car with the Croat, D, and Skinny Wolf.  We head to the Fondle Sac mall and met up with the other men in the wedding: D's best man, Dick, D's dad, D's "little" brother, Terry, and some other guy.  It was my first tux fitting so I didn't quite know what to expect.  The girl spent a lot of time working my inseam but I was happy because they let me drink beer while getting fitted.  Everyone got the tuxes so we decided to go to the next logical location...a liquor and fireworks store.

The liquor store was amazing.  The prices were dirt cheap and they had a vast selection of booze and fireworks.  I picked up a bottle of UV Blue Raspberry vodka, some lemonade, and orange juice.  I was set to make some Ectoplasm Coolers.  Everyone bought liquor and the 70 year old lady behind the counter had such a treat with all us 21 year old men in her store.  Yeah, I flirted with her and, yes, she did give me a discount.  She even remembered me when I went back a few months later for the same liquids when I was in Fondle Sac for another wedding.

We the went to the church to practice the wedding.  I found out who my bridesmaid was.  I was a bit disappointed since she was engaged to someone but oh well.  We left the church as fast as we could so we could feast and drink.  D's dad had set up a smorgasboard of food and beer.  Oh it was such a blast.  We were drinking Red Dog and Ectoplasm Coolers and eating pulled pork.  I was in heaven.  Then the Croatian Sensation and Skinny Wolf said they needed more beer despite having 100+ cans in the cooler.  We headed to a Piggly Wiggly and picked up a few more cases of beer.  "Hey do you think any girls will drink with us tonight?"  "D does have a couple of sisters."  "Damn, looks like I'm going to have to get a case of wine coolers."

We go back and sit around a fire and drink with...I forget but I do remember it was one of D's sisters, Mich, on one side and his "little" brother who I called Herman on the other.  D was 21 at the time and his little brother was much taller and bigger than him.  D was probably around 5'7" and his little brother was 6'6".  We asked him if he wanted anything to drink.  I figured he was 18 and one or two beers wouldn't hurt.  He asked for a Smirnoff Ice.  He guzzled it down and soon he was drunk.  I asked, "Herman, how you doing?"  "Cripes, Wurm, crimmeny cripes."  He was drunk on one Smirnoff.  I laughed at him being such a lightweight.  Mich got mad at me because I gave him booze.  Herman then shouted, "Shut your damn mouth, I'm hear to put the dick in dixie and cunt in country.  Cripes."  Mich and I laughed and then she said, "You realize he's 13."  WHAT?  I then leaned over and said, "Herman, you're cut off." "CRIPES!"

The night progressed and somehow we made it to the trailer.  In the morning I woke up because I thought I heard the cackling of hens but it was just the bride and bridesmaids meeting at the house.  So I decide to get up and go out to the garage and start drinking.  The Croat followed me as did Skinny Wolf.  There we were at 8AM drinking Red Dog and Blue Moon.  A little while later Herman and his little 8 year old cousin Davey show up.  "Hey, Herman, you have a hangover?"  "Cripes!"  Davey quipped, "That motherfuckin' bitch got bitch ass drunk off one fucking beer."  "Cripes!"  We had a long time before the wedding so we asked them what they did for fun.  Herman comes back with bottle rockets and Davey comes out with a bike.  We started shooting bottle rockets in the back yard and Davey shoots them at the neighbors house.  One hit their back door and the neighbor came out to check what was going on.  We hid in the garage.  Then Ghetto and Rhino showed up because their girlfriends were bridesmaids.  Davey set up a ramp and started jumping his bike.  We all took turns on that ramp.  It was fun because they had it set up so you would land in a pine tree.  After getting full of pine sap we decided we needed to do something else.  Herman suggested we go try out the beatin' car.  He explained that the beatin' car was a car you beat with a hammer when you were frustrated.  We walked out to the back yard and found a with no windows and full of dents.  Davey picks up the hammer, "You fucking car.  Take this you bitch."  We hit the car and had more beer.  Finally D calls us and says we have 15 minutes to get to the meet up.  None of us were showered or sober. 

I think that was the fastest I've ever put on a tux.  So it's me, the Croat, Skinny Wolf, and Herman in my car.  Herman is giving us these crazy directions to the meet-up.  We finally get there with a minute to spare.  As we pull up D says we have to head to the church.  We arrive at the church and and no one is there so we decide we need to freshen our breath.  A bottle of peppermint schnapps shows up and soon it was gone.  We go inside and the rest is a blur but soon I am walking down the aisle.  The rehearsal took all of 10 minutes so I expected that is how long the service would last.  I was so wrong. I guess in my drunken state I was rocking back and forth.  Herman was standing behind me and he got scared that I would fall on him.  The guy on my left is Dick and he turns and tells me he doesn't feel good.  I tell him to go sit in a pew so he does.  About 5 minutes later he comes back.  He's standing next to me and says the same thing so once again he goes and sits down.  Then all of a sudden you hear a thud and a big commotion.  It turns out Skinny Wolf had passed out and fell.  People rushed to the front to get him cooled off.  The pastor kept talking.  Soon the wedding was over and D was married.  As the walked out, they were treated to a bottle rocket send-off.

Things get very blurry after that but from what I remember at the reception: the best man presented D with a box of condoms and said have a fun night, I got too hot in my tux so I was dressed in shorts and t-shirt, I sat next to the DJ and critiqued his choice in songs, he got fed up and asked what he should play, I had cds in my car and got them, he played songs and people had fun, I was drinking beer straight from the pitcher, Davey begged me to get him a pitcher of beer, D's dad was circled by all us college kids as he is dancing to Daft Punk, I don't even remember how I got back to the trailer.  I remember going from dancing to laying on D's parents' front lawn and being told that I was not allowed to go to any more bars.

The next day we left for home.  That was a true Wisconsin wedding.

Penis Inspection Day
I know a lot of people are heading back to school so I decided to talk about Penis Inspection Day.  When I was a freshman in high school, I went to a private school.  I lived in a dorm and it was just pure bliss because I was away from my parents.  I felt like such an adult.  During the first week during our nightly study hall, the dorm supervisor/pastor made us all stand outside our rooms and drop our pants.  Then a guy, who I thought was a doctor because he was dressed as one, went down the line and inspected everyone's penis and testicles.  I was so nervous but I guess I passed. 

He pulled this chart out and showed me that I was well past the adult stage so I was in good shape.

Anyway, all the guys out there that are heading back to school this week, don't be afraid of penis inspection day.

6...I found it nevermind...time for a random photo dump.

Yes...wtf indeed

Chew-Mozart?  Chew-Beethoven?  NO...CHEW-BACH-A!

I smell a pork product.

My mind is now blown.

Queer as Volk-swagen.

She needs the cane because it makes her cool.

Here's the secret...the water is squeezed from dirty kitchen rags.

I hate that damn dog on The Simpsons.  He's such an alcoholic.  I've only seen one dog drink booze.  R.I.P. Henry.

Why so serious?

This is a poster for the Bollywood porn remake of Slumdog Millionaire.  It's called Cumdog Jizzionaire...yes, I'm lame.

They really are taking over the world one pilates class at a time.

They've come to take us over but first they need a corndog and snowcone.

Go ahead, try it.  And once you try that be amazed when you see that the word "gullible" is not in any dictionary.

And 8 minutes ago he was fired.

CPR...you're doing it wrong.

Well that's brutally honest.

As long as you're not gay.

we had some thunderstorms roll through here this evening.  It provided some fun thunder and lightning but nothing serious.  My leaky car will probably have a puddle but oh well.  Some images aren't safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL.

Hey, Victoria Silverstedt, would you care to tell us how you pay for all these European vacations since you haven't worked in years?  Oh, you would rather show us with your mouth...thank you!  I have to say she has a nice rack.  It looks like one of the 2008 models.

Thousands of copies of the new Rolling Stone will be covered in bodily fluids other than blood.  That Sookie...wow.  I just wish the books were as sexual as the show but then I'm not that far in...that's what she said.

I'm taking it that most of you know that in TV and most movies that when there is a sex scene they really aren't having sex.  Well that may not be true for Alexander Skarsgard of True Blood.  That show has some intense sex scenes and he makes them more intense.  The actors on that show wear coverings over their genitals but not Alexander.  He says it impedes his acting.  I think it's just an excuse to get pervy with the ladies.  I guess this brings a new dimension to True Blood.  It's sort of like a porno.

Tila Tequila performed at the Gathering of Juggalos last weekend and she was beat down.  The fans of the Insane Clown Posse threw rocks at her and she was pegged in the head.  Of course you might not be able to blame the Juggalos.  A good percentage could be virgins plus if I had a nude woman gyrating in front of me and could do anything about it, I'd throw rocks too.  That is why I don't go to strip clubs.  I bet she announced to the crowd "$50 to the first person who can pop these implants with a brick."  I was going to post these earlier in the week and do an expose on the Juggalos but the CDC told me that I had to quarantine the photos for at least 72 hours.  Tila claims that it was all started by the fans and she had nothing to do with it.  I guess her screaming "I ain't going anywhere" didn't add fuel to the fire.  She said she was hit with rocks, beer bottles, firecrackers, and human waste.  I'm shocked she wasn't impaled with a trident because those Juggalos are crazy.  Police will not release their reports so all we have to go on is what she claims.  The Juggalos love their "music" so I'm surprised they weren't entranced by her soothing vocals.  Oh and where was this Tila Army she is always claiming that backs her up.

I know people are going to think I'm sexist and claim I'm pro-violence against women.  Even though I hate Tila as a person, she doesn't deserve to be pelted with rocks.  I think there was something about that in the Bible but then there was also something about stoning whores.  Why was she onstage at an Insane Clown Posse event?  Even though she was pelted with piss and shit, she should be classified as a hazardous material by FEMA.  Little did Tila know that throwing rocks is foreplay for a Juggalo.  I do have to question how hardcore these ICP fans are if all she comes away with are a couple bumps and band aids.  Where did the Juggalos learn how to fight...soccer camp?  I would hate to offend anyone especially a no talent reality hack and the humorless.  My only worry was if the actual stage held up to the onslaught.

Method Man was also attacked at The Gathering by Juggalos.  Why are the Juggalos so angry?  Did their moms cut off their allowance?  Did their dads refuse to let them stay for the entire show because of curfew?  You should really research the Juggalos.  Here's the wiki entry.  Any research on Juggalos has to include Anabelle Lotus and Juggalo Julie...that is some creepy shit.  If you ever encounter a Juggalo ask them how a magnet works.

Katie Holmes admitted what I have known all along.  She said that Suri picks out Katie's outfits.  Also, when Katie doesn't wear an outfit Suri picks, Suri throws temper tantrums.  All I know is that we need to get Suri Cruise on the next Project Runway.  I would pay money to see her berate Tim Gunn.

Robert De Niro turned 67 this week.  Name the movie from which this photo was taken and you will win 500 internets and my undying love.  When he went out to celebrate his birthday, the waiter asked if he wanted a menu.  Bobby replied, "You talkin' to me?  Are you talking to me?"  No, he wasn't quoting one of his famous quotes.  He just didn't have his hearing aids turned up high enough.

Paris Hilton claims she's conquered all aspects of show business and the perfume industry.  She has her sights now focused on the family business of hotels.  Great...her hotel will be the epicenter of all the STDs known to man.  I don't give Paris enough credit.  She is very qualified to run a hotel.  She is quite experienced with accommodating multiple guests at one time.

Pam Anderson has started to wear make-up again.  Too bad it looks like she is trying to push out such a massive fart that it could rupture all her silicon.

Neil Patrick Harris and his partner David Burka are expecting twins from a surrogate mother.  I bet their children will know the complete library of Rogers and Hammerstein by the time they are 6 months old.  I kid...I wish them the best of luck.

Hey, Montana Fishburne had a really good photoshop done on her backside.  In case you don't know...you don't want to see the evidence.  Montana didn't really want her sex tape to have any editing because she claims she is proud of her "leopard booty".  Yeah...I think the "d" is silent.  Also, her father, Laurence Fishburne, has written her off.  She says he told her he will not speak with her until she turns her life around and he was embarrassed by her because she used the family name as her porn name.  So she was arrested for prostitution, arrested for assault, and she signed a deal with a porn company.  That is pretty much embarrassing.  Laurence could walk out to the middle of the field at the Super Bowl, slip on a banana peel, get kicked in the nuts, get hit by a cream pie in the face, and get carried off on a stretcher and that wouldn't be the most embarrassing moment of his life.

Michael Douglas announced that he has a cancerous tumor in his throat and will be receiving radiation treatment.  He also says he's very optimistic that everything will turn out OK.  I think he needs Doogie Howser to give him a second opinion.  Either way...I'll send him some positive thoughts.

Megan Fox is such a loving and caring stepmother.  She shares shirts with her stepson, Kassius.  I don't know why but I want to punch Brian Austin Green in the face.  He can afford to buy shirts for both his wife and son.

LeBron James is so full of himself.  He claims that no one in Cleveland cared about LeBron and yes in the GQ interview he poke in the third person.  He says his poor upbringing helps keep him grounded and that he likes to keep things low-key and is very low maintenance...BULLSHIT!  This asshole probably thinks he could go out as the only player on his team and go undefeated in an NBA season and if he lost a game he would blame everyone but himself.

Dwayne Wade's former wife filed a lawsuit against Dwayne.  In the lawsuit she claims that Dwayne and his girlfriend Gabrielle Union have engaged in sexual foreplay and it was witnessed by one of the kids and that kid suffered such emotional distress that he lost his hair.  Man, I read some posts on Xanga about that today.  Well the judge didn't think that it was that bad and threw it out.  I guess that is a victory for homewreckers all over.  Also if the kid doesn't want to be stressed out by sexual foreplay then he shouldn't be watching Dwayne and LeBron play basketball this season.  You know they are going to grope each other and make out during every game.

Facebook banned this photo of Kylie Minogue this week.  Now when I first saw it I thought it was just Kylie holding a teddy bear.  Some people claim that it is naughty because of where Kylie is playing her mic.  Hmmm...a mic job?  Wait!  Where is her other hand?  Yeah, that is what got it banned.

Ke$ha this week put on the mask so the paparazzi wouldn't follow her.  If your idea of a joke is to wear a mask to trick the paparazzi but the mask makes you noticably less ugly, does that still count as a joke?

This week some shocking figures were released.  Kate Gosslein makes $225,000 per episode of her reality series.  Patrick Dempsey on Grey's Anatomy only makes $125,000 per episode and Anna Paquinn on True Blood only makes $75,000 per episode.  What the fuck?  Anna Paquinn has better boobs and proudly displays them.  This fucking country is so backwards.  All Kate did to get famous was pop out a few kids.  She clearly sold her soul to Satan.

Jesse James and Kat Von D are dating.  Why?  Oh yeah, she's his dream girl.  I bet she can change him.  Good luck.  The only way you could change that guy from being a cheater is through castration but more than likely Kat will suffer from all his infidelities and she will burn.

Damn!  The paparazzi can't leave Karissa Shannon alone.  No, this fine, upstanding young woman wants to hold her ass in the air in privacy but the paparazzi have to photograph it.  I say, a pox be on you and your family, paparazzi!

Jenny McCarthy hates vaccines and any needle that would poke her child which is why measles and all other diseases are making a comeback but whatever.  The funny thing about it is she must let plastic surgeons poke her face with needles to inject botox.  Remember when she was hot and fap material.  Now she looks like she is wearing a Scream mask. Speaking of mask...I've often heard that when you spend many years with your partner, you begin to look like them.  Well I guess that explains why Jenny McCarthy is looking like Jim Carey did in The Mask.  It's a good thing they broke up before her skin turned green but then who knows what will happen if she keeps injecting herself with all that botox.

Jackee Harry turned 54 this week.  She celebrated by eating a hammock of cake.  I wonder if anyone will get that joke.  If you do you will win 500 internets and my undying love.

The band Iron Maiden racked up this bar tab.  Of course that was in Norway and the price in American dollars is $3275.  That's not that impressive.  That's usually called "Happy Hour pt. 1" for Amy Winehouse.  The worst I ever did by myself was $80.

Hugh Grant...that smug bastard...had a private screening of his new short film with 10 females.  After they watched the film they partied all night.  How is that guy so lucky?  He makes movies where he plays the same exact character in every role.  He had a supermodel for a girlfriend and cheated on her with a lowclass prostitute that possibly could have been a man.  The supermodel girlfriend keeps him and later on he dumps her.  Oh I ope karma gets him good.  I bet he will come back as one of the Jersey Shore production assistants.  That would be hell.

Spencer Pratt has approached Vivid Entertainment attempting to sell a sex tape of him and Heidi Montag.  I guess it was only a matter of time.  My only question is, who would want to watch a half-melted Dollar Tree Barbie have sex with a guy who has a flesh colored beard?  Believe it or not, I'm not raising my hand.  The tape is probably just Spencer wanking to photos of Heidi or more likely he's wanking to photos of himself.

Elin Nordgeren is growing impatient waiting for her divorce from Tiger Woods to finalize.  She has started to take courses at a local community college to take her mind off of her money and pending divorce.  Could you imagine walking in to your beginner Spanish class and there sits Elin.  Damn...I would totally try to "get with" her, as the kids say, because I could be a kept husband.  Hey, Elin, you know what would take your mind off the divorce?  You should get an actual job where you do something other than stand in front of a camera.  Also you shouldn't sit around waiting for your settlement money.  Go out and get money by doing something.

AnnaLynne McCord was at an event sponsored by Crest this week.  I think that's fitting since most of those celebrity types eat nothing but toothpaste and ice chips to maintain their figure.  Oh well, it works for AnnaLynne.

Adrianne Curry claims that she was groped and molested at a Star Wars convention in a bar of the convention.  Why is she at a Star Wars convention?  I guess she could be a fan but I think she is just toying with all the nerds by giving them cases of blue balls.  Why would Star Wars fans be at a bar during a convention?  The only place the go to with the words "drink special" are places that sell Mountain Dew Code Red.

Courtney Love wished her daughter Frances Bean a happy 18th birthday this week.  She had to make the wishes over Twitter since she can't have contact with Frances.  Here are some of the tweets: "that therapist told me you said you "were never talkiung to me ever again" i was hapless, i dont understand anything that amoral cunt tellsu"  "just go the page i love you chuck, happy 18th i got you something so bloody awesome, finally. i love you hard day for me" "beyond the obviopus heartache why are you trying to desperatly to ruin my life and reputation? what is it did you decide to be linda?" "well i long for your kiss and your sweet head smell i long for you i ache for you, i die for you every day my heart breaks for you, sowrong" "for gods sake now that your of age run like hell they have to give you by law 30k a mionth no matter what not 15k seen your legal bills ?" "have taken anything from you, that 03/05 shit was @edwardnorton s cpa selvaggi and laird, diverting 2.7 m from "yr trust" andsending to self"  "i love you but your 18 now do NOT allow any guardianship to continue whatsoever! theyll lie to you tell you it "has" to,. no it doesnt!" And then after she did all those messages to Frances she posted this gem for Dave Navarro: "@davenavarro6767 bosh! your barely tolerating me , but man i appreciate it so much, plus my bjs are fucking legendary."  My brain hurts...good night.

Video Section
Here's the only video I could find of the Tila Tequila attack.  I saw about a 5 minute one but that was taken down.

This is the trailer for the Joaquin Phoenix movie.

Are you a fan of Big Brother?  Are you a fan of watching guys beat off?  Well I'm not but I know I have a few readers who might answer yes to those questions.  The contestant named Lane was caught polishing his pole by cameras.  I'm always surprised that this isn't caught more.  I'm sure they see to it that they don't catch such shenanigans.

I hope you have a great weekend.

I do a lot of photos and well you are going to have to suffer through some more.  These are of places I talk about and things I have done.

You can't complain because I hold the tri-force...see:
  ▲
▲ ▲

These were outside my house one night.  My house turned this eerie orange color which reminded me of the skies before a few tornadoes I've been through.  Thankfully we didn't have a tornado that night.

This is one of my blueberry bushes.  It didn't turn out that well because I had rabbits eat all the blueberries.

And these are my raspberry plants.  The one on the left is black raspberries and the one on the right is golden raspberries.  I put the black one in later in the year so it didn't produce. The golden one produced a handful.  Next year I hope to have plenty of berries.

These are apples on one of my two apple trees.  My grandfather did grafting and these two trees are the only two trees that produce this variety of apple.

This is a community park where the town fair is held.  Last Friday we had about 5 inches of rain and the field was completely under water.  I forgot my camera at that time.  There were geese floating out there.

This is another view of the fairgrounds.

This is the town lake.  It was much higher earlier in the day.  The boat landing was almost covered.  That pier was not visible.

This is a bridge down by the dam on the lake.  As you can see the road was drying out because it was covered with water.  Water was flowing out of the dam so fast that it was creating foam and that is the white stuff near the bridge.

These photos are on the other side of the lake, the river flooded it's banks and was flooding out the vitamin factory which used to be the town cheese factory.

Here's another view of the vitamin factory.  On the right is a bicycle/snowmobile bridge.  When the railroad left, they converted the railway to bike and snowmobile trails.  I am surprised it held up because earlier in the summer it suffered damage because of flooding and ground washing out around it.

Yep...for the low price of $3

And this is my 10 point buck.  I also have a mounted antelope, doe, 6 point buck and jackelope.

This is Kiki.  She's sleeping next to me as I type.

These were the cookies I baked earlier in the week.

I'm so vain.  Uh-oh...didn't hide my fireworks.

Are you ready for more tattoos?  No...well I'm going to post them anyway.  Never safe for work and never safe for life

So is this tattoo a remembrance of a group called Surfers for Christ or Banana Lovers for Christ.  I hope it is a group for banana lovers for Christ because that church would have the best hymns ever..."Christ is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S His love for you is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S" and with that I have damned myself to hell.

It's a bird...it's a plane...IT'S SUPER-CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is one sick ass smurf.  Maybe it is supposed to be one of the M&Ms but to me it looks more like a Sixlet. 

I didn't know that Chewbaca was Irish.  I guess that would explain why in the original Star Wars scripts he had the last name of O'Brien.  It was also explain his fury and why he likes to hang out in the bars of Tattoie...ha Tattoo

Hello!  My name is Suzie and I am 15 years old and I love unicorns! LOLZ!!!!!

I am sure Mudvayne is proud that you got their name so crappily tattooed on your body...oh by the way I don't think they hyphenate their name oh wait that is just a zit...great job guy great job.

I have never hated Green Day until now.  They are so one dimensional.

He was devastated when he learned that he didn't get hired to be a new member of the Rockettes.

Here is the new tattoo trend...eyeball tattoos.  OK, next tattoo I am getting squeamish.

I have seen a lot of creepy tattoos and body modifications over the years but I think this one has got to be one of the most extreme.  A few years ago this guy got a tattoo of a busty woman on his arm but that wasn't enough.  He went to a plastic surgeon to get silicon implants not for his chest but for his tattoo's chest.  Yes, he wanted a 3D and...umm...interactive(?) tattoo.  I don't know whether to classify this as crap or creative.

Well that didn't last long because the guy who had the implants for his tattoo had to have them removed because they got infected.  When will people learn?

I hope reading this blog is relaxing for you.  If not, we don't you have a seat.  Yes, that is a real tattoo.

This is the epitome of a crappy tattoo...get it?

This guy's tattoo is very popular with the troops stationed at checkpoints in Iraq.

Unibrow tattoos, especially this one, will not get you plenty of good paying jobs.  No wonder he is wearing a prison jumpsuit.

A vampire bite tattoo, how gothic!  The more I look at this tattoo the more I think it is either E.T. or a de-armed and de-legged woman.  Maybe this isn't a vampire bite tattoo but a Rosharch test tattoo.

Why, thank you!  I had planned on it.

Prepare yourself for the scariest tattoo of all time.

Grandma tattoos.  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This should be a deterent to all people who want to get tattoos.  They should view this photo to see what it will look like in 50 years.

Well Cocky and I are back for another shot at helping you with your questions.  It has been a long two weeks and Cocky and I are both somewhat exhausted.  I have slipped back into my insomnia and Cocky has been sampling the the case of product the sponsors sent us this week. 

Me: Hey, Cocky, why haven't you been popping up lately?
Cocky: I am still upset about our last post.
Me: Oh yeah, I posted the video of you being abused by that dog.
Cocky:  Yeah...the incident.
Me: But he seemed to love you.
Cocky: You know I hate dogs especially male dogs that try to make me their receptacle.
Me: Well how are things with the ladies?
Cocky: Virtually dead.
Me: Yeah I hear they hate you and want no part of you.
Cocky: Who told?
Me: I happen to have a video of you getting turned down by the pussy.
Cocky: You wouldn't.
Me: I would especially after all the shit I catch from you on a weekly basis.

Me: That has to be the first I've ever seen a pussy doing the fisting.  And now a word from our sponsors:

Me: Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Yeah, I'm cocked, locked, and ready to unload my knowledge amongst other things.  And as soon as I can polish off another case of Rooster Booster, you're a dead man.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am back in the dating scene and my last girlfriend was this career woman fashionista who was more interested in who she was wearing than what was going on in the world and was also confident in her place in the world.  What do I have to do to reel in a politically aware and frustrated waitress?
                                          Waitress Lover in Wood Lake
Me: I'm not sure how to go about "reeling" one in but I am sure it could be rather easy in this economic climate to find a frustrated waitress.  I guess the best advice I could give you is to broaden your horizons while at the same time lowering them.
Cocky: You leave a tip, a HUGE tip, man.  I'm talking like $10 on a bill that is $2.  The Godfather does that quite often.  He's just to proud to admit it.  He leaves a dollar tip for every drink at the bar but if the bartender is a female and has a pulse he usually leaves $2 or $3 per drink. 
Me: I am just being nice because I read that one of the most frequent jobs for women in school is waitressing and by giving them a larger tip, it is my way of helping society better itself.
Cocky: Whatever helps you sleep at night....OK, so leave the big tip and when you go to see this waitress only look at her and talk to her.  And when she asks if you want a lapdance, you pay her but say it is just for conversation...wait that's how you go about reeling in strippers...I have no idea how to find a waitress.
Me: One thing that worked for me was after I paid my bill, I found the waitress and said that there was something wrong with my bill...her phone number was not written on it.  She ended up giving me her phone number and said she liked my confidence.
Cocky: And then she gave you a restraining order and a broken heart because she didn't like your lack of bulge.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
From your life-time, what sports story was the most shocking to you?
                                         Journalist in Judson
Me: Great question!  Where does one begin?  Dale Earnhardt's death participating in the sport he loved was shocking.  Or how about the Red Sox coming back from 3 games down to win the American League pennant and then go on to sweep the World Series?  Maybe Michael Jordan's retirement to pursue a baseball career.  Another could be Magic Johnson's announcement he had HIV.
Cocky:  The most shocking was when a virtually unknown fighter named El Pollo Guapo took the ring to fight the number one fighter in the world, El Pollo de la Muerte.  It was an exhausting fight for El Pollo Guapo but he overcame all odds to win.  Maybe this was more shocking for me since I was El Pollo Guapo in my fighting days.
Me: Cocky, you were a fighter?
Cocky: Yes and I retired undefeated after my third fight.
Me: That is something.  You should be proud of that accomplishment.
Cocky: Yes, I am as proud of my cockfighting career as you are of your undefeated record in the art of hand to little man combat.

Dear Godfather and Cocky

If I fart in my hand before throwing it in somebody's face, should I test smell it to insure potency?

                                    Handy in Hancock

Me: Why did I ever advertise the formspring?  I think it would be difficult to throw a fart at someone but why would you want to smell your own product?

Cocky: 1. It may be so strong you knock yourself out. 2. you lose potency if you test it first. Just believe in yourself and that whatever you ate 2 days ago has died in your bowels.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I work very hard to keep my lawn in nice shape, but I am tired of finding little "surprises" that my neighbor's dog leaves behind. I have spoken to my neighbor about this many times but he just shrugs it off and says he will try to watch "Fido" more closely. My town does have a "pooper-scooper" law but it only applies to parks and public spaces. I try hard to be a good neighbor, but I am about at the end of my rope about this. Can you suggest anything?
                                        Poop-Scoop in Pemberton
Me: Most towns that are civilized enough to have pooper-scooper laws also have leash laws. Either "Fido" is on one heck of a long leash or he's running loose. I would …ahem…collect the evidence, bring it over to his lawn and point out that watching "Fido" obviously is not enough. I would then pleasantly suggest an invisible fence to keep puppy in his own yard AND to comply with local leash laws.
Cocky:  Now I bet you are expecting I give my usual advice here, which would be "Punch your neighbor in the throat," but I'm not going to give that advice.  I am going to suggest that you do something the Godfather's great-grandmother did when her neighbor's dog left lawn sausages in her yard.  She picked up the evidence but instead of calmly showing the evidence to her neighbors, she waited for a time when they weren't around and snuck into their back yard and smeared it all over their personal possessions such as the door knob and some sunglasses that were on their back porch.  The only downside to smearing crap all over your neighbor's possessions is that your hands are going to stink like dog shit for a while.  People will think you have major issues but seeing the look on your neighbor's face as he wipes off dog shit from his eye sockets is priceless.  Hey you should get the guy who wants to throw farts to attack them.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

How does one attract older ladies?  You know, how can I be a MILF hunter?

                                    Youngster in Youngstown

Me: Be yourself?

Cocky: God are you stupid.  It’s no wonder you aren’t getting any.  What you want to do is maintain your boyish looks and get a job as a pool cleaner or pizza delivery specialist. 

Me: How do you figure a pool boy or pizza delivery boy will get women?

Cocky: Have you ever seen porn?

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

How do you show a girl you care?

                                    Learning in Lyndon Station

Me: Probably the best way is to communicate and tell her that you care.

Cocky: Leave a dead bird on her doorstep.

Me: How does that show a girl that you care?

Cocky: It’s no wonder you don’t get any pussy.

Me: And you do?  Let's go back to the tape.

Cocky: Do not fall asleep or you will have your eyes pecked out.

Dear Godfather and Cocky

Will jerking off with the excess grease left on my hands after a couple buckets of KFC also affect my cholesterol?

                                    Finger Flickin’ in Findlay

Me: How the hell are there people like this in society?  I mean…seriously!

Cocky: Well as you know the Colonel and I have a love/hate relationship.  He’d love to get me in a fryer and I hate the douche.  But if you want to have an argument with Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, be careful, I hear herpes is one of the secret ingredients.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

What’s the best way to end a relationship?

                                    Over in Osseo

Me: I think the best way is to be upfront and truthful.  Communication is key in everything.

Cocky: It’s a good thing you asked us before you asked Jordan Van Der Sloot.  I knew I should have never advised him to go on a fishing trip to clear his mind.  Little did I know the fishing trip would end up like Godfather 2.

Disclaimer: I plan on time-stamping this piece and if you don't like time-stamping please don't tell me to quit xanga on my blog.  It's time-stamping.  Please, don't be like some mental deficient bloggers out there by reporting me to xanga for harassment because I time-stamped and you can't wrap your small mind around that.  Just block me and unsubscribe like a normal person.  Dang, I shouldn't have written this, Prince Zuko and the vegetarian vampires may attack me.

Me: Cocky this one goes out to you:

If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring. 

Also, do yourself a favor and read my post about My Most Embarrassing Moment.

I have been thinking about embarrassing moments today and thought I would share some of mine.  No, it's not the time I was in 8th grade when the class nerd, sitting in front of me bent over and his ass crack was exposed and I nudged only girl in class to look as I act like I am going to pour milk down his pants.  She said she would suck my dick if I did it.  I am shocked and in catatonic state.  The nerd turns around and asks "What's wrong?"  "SHUT UP YOU FUCKING NERD AND BEND OVER!" ♥

No, not the time I was sitting next to a hot girl in high school and she mouthed "Want to go out" and I said yes only to realize she was talking to guy sitting next to me. ♫

Not the time I was at a Pizza Hut with a friend and my parents.  My friend and I were imitating pro-wrestling as we waited for parents to pay for meal.  He faked punched me, I fall backwards and hit the fire alarm.  Lights and alarms go off and then police show up.  ☺

I won't even tell you how embarrassed I am to have a small penis despite meeting prerequisites for having a large one.  Nor will I mention the time how I was on a bus in high school (yes, I rode bus in high school=extra embarrassment) these girls were making some formula as to how to tell how long a dong was.  Ask me my height and shoe size.  They write down the figures and then I hear them gasp and say, "I have to see it."  I never do anything.  ♂

I won't write about the time I liked this girl and worked up balls to ask her out.  I was visiting college because the school where I was student teaching had off.  I found her in the cafeteria and we talked.  I asked if she wanted to hang out.  She asked, "What...just with you?"  I nodded.  "Would that be a date?"  "I guess."  "Then...no...I'll be busy."  ♀

No, I am going to tell you the story of how my life got flipped and turned upside down.  Just sit down, if you already aren't because this may take more than a minute.  If you didn't know from my previous posts, I was born in raised in the mean streets of West Philadelphia.  It was so rough and unsafe.  The only thing we had for fun was the playground so most days that is where I would chill.  I was so cool.  But one day some of the hoods in our community started messing with me and my friends.  I couldn't stand it any longer so I went up to these hood and started throwing punches left and right.  They took off running as did my friends but my friends ran and told my mom.  She came and dragged me home.  She made some phone calls and then came to my room and told me that I was going to go live with my uncle and aunt in Bel Air.  The plane ride was pretty uneventful.  I gathered my bags and stood in front of the terminal waiting for a taxi.  One finally pulled up and I noticed two things: the license plate was vanity plate and said "FRESH" and there were fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror.  The driver took me to my aunt and uncle's mansion.  He couldn't have gotten there fast enough because he had an extremely bad case of body odor.  But I was excited because I had finally made it to Bel Air. ♠

Bobby Thompson died.

Has anyone with less talent had a longer shelf life than Ke$ha?  Even Paris Hilton could do sex tricks in nightvision.  Ke$ha should film a sex tape with the rapper Curren$y because it makes ¢ents.

Are you having trouble fitting in?  Try KY Jelly.  Looking for a good morning cardio routine? Tape money to your clothes and jog by homeless people.  Are you sad because he left you? If you liked it, then you should've put a NuvaRing® in it.

I'd like to announce my retirement from making fun of Brett Favre.

In other career moves, Dane Cook has decided to try his hand at comedy.

I don't care if there is a resurgence in popularity, Four Square is for squares.

It's good to see Haley Joe Osmet back in the movie industry.  Too bad he was scooping up my popcorn at the Desert Star Cinema.

Here's you weekly dose of motivation:

And I'm back...the Messiah has returned to Minnesota.  The three wisemen must have blew him properly.

Brett Favre is the herpes of the NFL.  Treatable, but an embarrassing inconvenience that never fully goes away.  It just keeps coming back again and again and again long after the fun is gone.

The NFL, to appease Favre's ego, is planning on renaming the interception, "the Favre".  "Brett Favre back in the pocket, he's throwing deep, and once again he's Favred."

Dear Brent Favre,
Thank you for taking the heat off me by creating a bigger self-absorbed circus about "where will he go".  Call me when you're in Miami.  Maybe we can do an ESPN special about our decision where we plan on eating.
                        Thanks,
                                   LeBron Jones

Brett Favre is a terrorist.  He's held 3 organizations captive the past 7 years and the horrible thing is that Vikings fans are acting like Favre is the second coming of Herschel Walker.

And now I am officially retiring from making fun of Brett Favre.

Have a great night.

I will put off my hatred and campaign to see Mancouch closed to help out my fellow Xangans.  God, I can't fucking stand Mancouch.  Those fucks live in the big city so they think that they can piss and shit all over those who don't live in New York.  Anyway...fuck them.

I found these little infographic and have decided to post them to help you.

You will need to click on them to get them bigger.  This one has provided fun for me since I don't have a cam.  I find a gif file of Justin Bieber and all the 10 year olds think they are talking to a star. 

If you ever find yourself in a dice game and need some extra help...here you go.

I need a library full of these.

You will never not know how to tie a knot. 

Guys, wear a tie and look stylish.

And if you look stylish but can't get laid, make yourself a fleshlight. 

Instead of doing another photo dump, I'll post some more recipes from my kitchen.  This edition is inspired by Milwaukee's Irish Fest which happens to be this coming weekend.  Can you spot a common theme?

Baked Potato Soup

3 T. butter                    1 ½ C. Buttermilk                     1 ½ C onion (finely diced)

½ C. sour cream           1 ½ T. minced Garlic                ½ C. grated Parmesan cheese

6 C. chicken broth        2 ½ tsp. salt                              4 baked potatoes (halved, pulp, scooped out and put through a ricer)                            1 tsp. pepper

2 T. red wine vinegar

In a large pot over high heat, melt the butter, and add the onions and garlic.  Cook over medium heat until translucent.  Add hot stock and stir to combine.  In separate bowl, mixed potatoes, buttermilk, sour cream, and Parmesan cheese.  Add this mixture to soup, stirring constantly.  Season with salt and pepper.  Remove from the heat and add the red wine vinegar.  Stir.  Garnish with chives and bacon bits.

Mickey’s Corned Beef and Cabbage with Mustard Horseradish Sauce

1 (5-6lb.) corned beef with pickling spices                    ½ tsp. salt and pepper

1 (12 oz.) can of beer                                                   6-8 medium potatoes

10 peppercorns                                                            2-3 medium onions

1 bay leaf                                                                     6-8 medium carrots

Mustard Horseradish Sauce

¼ C. prepared horseradish                   1 tsp. honey                  ¼ C. mayonnaise

¼ tsp. black pepper                              1 ½ T. Dijon mustard (or ½ tsp dry)

½ C. whipping cream

Place corned beef and pickling spices in a deep electric frying pan or a Crock Pot.  Add beer, peppercorns, bay lead, and water to cover.  Cook 4-5 hours over very low heat.  If using a pot simmer 3 hours.  Check occasionally to make sure water still covers meat.  Prepare vegetables during last hour of cooking.  Scrub and halve potatoes.  Rinse cabbage and remove tough outer leaves.  Core and cut in quarters.  Peel onion and quarter.  Trim and peel carrots and cut in large chunks.  Add to corned beef.  Cook 20 minutes and check vegetables.  Remove with a slotted spoon to a bowl when they are just done (the carrots even a bit crunchy if you like).  Toss with salt and pepper.  Check corned beef for tenderness (a knife and fork would slide into it easily).When done, remove from water and drain well in colander.  Place corned beef on cutting board and cut across the grain into ½ inch slices.  Arrange on platter and surround with vegetables.  To make mustard horseradish sauce: combine all ingredients except cream in a medium bowl.  Whip cream until it forms soft peaks and folds into mixture.  Cover and refrigerate until serving. 

Potato Chip Cookies

1 C. butter                    2 C. flour                      ½ C. sugar                   Nuts (any you desire)

½ C. potato chips (crushed)

Mix all ingredients.  Put balls on cookie sheet and bake at 350° for 16-18 minutes.