I was watching COPS last night and this guy got arrested for lewd behavior.  He was approaching women in a public park asking if they wanted him to perform oral sex on them.  The strange thing about this was his wife was also in the park but on the other side away from his shenanigans.  Well someone ratted him out to the fuzz and while in the cop car, the arresting officer asked, "What will your wife say about this?"  The guy answered along the lines of, "Well, she's going to hate me but that woman loves me and true love conquers all."  Damn.  I wish I had that in my life.

And now I am depressed...

I shouldn't be becaue, baby, imma G.

Add a case of beer and you have yourself a deal.

Bill Nye will save us from all the evils in the world.

Bill Nye has always been a mad scientist.

Sorry to break it to you, jackass, but an Escalade only transforms large amounts of money into small amounts of gas.

I love memes.  Oh wait, no I don't, not when I can't take part in the meme.

I really love memes.

It's mentholated for her pleasure.  You really shouldn't laugh.  Some vibrators have bigger problems; they're addicted to crack.

Hey, look!  Minnesota girls gone wild.

Meanwhile...in Wisconsin.

Oh, those Nazis are so punny.

YES!

They want you to help them for the county fair and their booth, Ku Klux Kisses.

I have always said Pizza Hut was a Satanic entity.

Who needs the leftist elite's big ivory towers or verbs?

But I thought Jesus was against acts of homosexuality.

For all your fiesta themed bar mitzvahs, make sure you head to Jew Loco.

And how is your weekend?

Friday the 13th lived up to the hype around here.  Around 5:30 this morning my weather radio went off telling me that my area was in a thunderstorm watch.  That didn't bother me so I went back to bed.  At 7AM the radio alarm announced that we were in a thunderstorm warning and then the thunder and lightning began.  It was an awesome show.  The rain was heavy.  They are saying that all day we've had about 6 inches of rain.  The rivers, streams and lakes are flooded and we are expecting more rain tonight.  I'll have to get some photos I took posted later this weekend.  On to the round up...some photos may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL

This is the album cover of Weezer's next album titled "Hurley".  Rivers Cuomo says, "We struggled super hard trying to come up with an album title, trying to find some kind of phrase that summed up the whole aesthetic behind the album: 'Heavy Mental,' 'Smaller Than Life.  I was coming up with all kinds of stuff, but ultimately, we just went with some random word that doesn't really have anything to do with anything. I just loved this photo of Jorge Garcia -- it just had this amazing vibe. We didn't want to do a fourth self-titled record and we knew people would refer to it as 'the Hurley record' even if we left it without that title, so we just called it 'Hurley.' No words are on the cover because all we wanted was his amazing face."  Sadly, no songs are about LOST.  Also Rivers never saw the series until he met Hurley.  If you ever get a chance to meet Rivers Cuomo, you should tell him how the series ends since he's still making his way through.  I've only seen bits of one episode and that was the finale.  If you want to hear the first single called Memories...click here.

Based on these photos of Vanessa Hudgens, I'd say L.A. is extremely cold in the summer.  Either that or her breasts have a staring problem and can't get enough of me.  I also love the strategically placed "Enter" sign.  If I must.

I've been criticizing Taylor Momsen in the past few weeks, but I now have some respect for her after she took Perez Hilton (not VaneDave's attempt to be Perez) to the woodpile on Twitter.  Perez thought it'd be funny to suggest a special dildo for Taylor after she claimed that her best friend was a vibrator.  This is what he suggested.  She Tweeted back: “wow, are you actually referencing fisting a 16 year old girl? If you add this to tweeting Miley’s panties I’d say enjoy jail”.  I have to say, I respect her.  It was once suggested that I do a Celebrity Round Up lambasting the celebrities of Xanga, well I won't but I'll let you write your own joke here.

Snooki has come out and said that she doesn't diet because she has to have too much fun.  That will probably catch up with her as will all the tanning.  At least she quit drinking during the day light.  She also doesn't understand why people are making a big deal out of her recent jail time.  She said that she is too pretty to go to jail.  Well I'm no scientist but I think Snooki has given us ample proof that her mother dropped her on her head when Snooki was a baby repeatedly.

Hey, ladies, did you know you can exfoliate your face while motorboating Simon Cowell?  That's the word on the street so keep that in mind.

Forget all those rumors about Sandra Bullock getting back together with Jesse James, she needs to get her shit together and shack up with Betty White.  They were at the Teen Choice Awards and I think they decided to re-enact my favorite scene from Requiem for a Dream...ASS TO ASS!  That is so hot!  I just hope Betty doesn't get into it so much that she breaks a hip.

There is a rumor circulating the intertubes (RIP Senator Stevens) that Ryan Gossling enjoys giving himself homemade tattoos.   I knew a girl that enjoyed giving herself tattoos with safety pins and ink.  They were so nasty much like this one on Ryan's arm.  I think he is just one case of beer away from making one of my tattoo posts.

Rod Stewart is going to be a father at the age of 65 with his wife Penny Lancaster, 39.  This is an old pic of Rod with his former wife but I had to post an image that best encapsulated the pure sexual energy that is Rod Stewart.  Oh my god, I think I just threw up a little.  The child will be Rod's seventh child.  I guess this means that when Penny goes shopping for diaper rash cream, she'll have to pick up an extra tube for Rod.

Robbie Williams married his girlfriend of 4 years last weekend.  The bathhouses in L.A. and London mourned.  Some are shocked that Robbie didn't wait until the lift of the  gay marriage ban on August 18th. 

This is Rima Fakih.  She is the reigning Miss USA.   She will be competing in the Miss Universe pageant in about a week.  The contestants were in Las Vegas this week posing for their bikini round videos.  So now the engine is going...how am I supposed to maintain an erection for 10 days?  Miss USA better win that shit to re-establish America's dominance in the beauty industry.

Rihanna got a new neck tattoo.  I can't make it out because I am blinded by her new Ronald McDonald hair color.  The tattoo apparently says "Rebelle Fleur" which she claims means "Rebellious Flower" however anyone with any French knowledge will tell her that she is a moron because what she has is "Flower Rebel".  If she wanted rebellious flower it would be "Fleur Rebel" and I am officially a nerd.

Reese Witherspoon is set to star in a biopic about legendary singer Peggy Lee.  Reese Witherspoon as Peggy Lee?  That is the opposite of FEVER!

Pee Wee Herman and Lorenzo Lamas were spotted in Sturgis, South Dakota this week.  I hope that Lorenzo was in the bitch seat as Pee Wee motored on down the highway on a Harley.  I also hope Pee Wee was recruiting Lorenzo to be in the new Pee Wee movie as Jambi or Magic Screen.  Yeah, with a forehead like that Lorenzo would be better suited for Magic Screen.  Pee Wee was also interviewed by Playboy and he discusses how his lawyers had a blow the prosecution's case in his famous episode in the adult theater.  Pee Wee said, “Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her non-dominant hand. I’m right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn’t have been me.”  Oh look at Pee Wee with his fancy masturbation lawyers from their fancy institute of masturbation.  OK, I'll admit it, the prosecution was set to have me take the stand because I am the exception to the rule.  I have right hand dominant tendencies but there are so many things I do better left handed...wink wink nudge nudge say no more.

Paris Hilton dressed up as Marilyn Monroe wearing the world's most powerful push-up bra for the launch of her new perfume.  The seven year itch Paris carries is very different from what the movie was about.  If she stands over a subway grate, the entire nation could be wiped out by Paris' seven year itch.

I guess all those random bathroom stall hook-ups have taught Paris how to unhinge her jaw like a snake.  I wish my girlfriend could do that.  I am so sick and tired of hearing, "Not tonight, I'm too tired and you are too big."  OK so that is what we call hyperbole.

Montana Fisburne's DVD has hit the stores and it was revealed how much she made for her appearance.  $25,000...that doesn't seem like much.  Oh and if you want to see still shots, click here(very NSFW) and if you want to see a 10 minute preview of the tape click here...I don't think I need to say that are NSFW.  Also a fake Twitter account sprung up this week and in the tweets she claimed that a 13 year old girl was inspired by her and planned on making a tape when she turned 18.  There are some other gems on the fake account.  If you want to follow the real Montana, here's the account. 

A source close to the Cyrus family has said that Miley is begging her parents to sign a consent form so she can get breast implants.  She's 17 and doctors require a parental consent form for patients under 18.  That family is has issues.  I bet that within a few weeks, Miley will have a huge rack and will say that is because she had a growth spurt.  She'll get the implants because her parents will realize that Miley is their meal ticket and they don't want to anger meal ticket Miley.

Michelle McGee, Jesse James' confirmed mistress and Tiger Woods' rumored mistress, and Violet Kowal, Mel Gibson's mistress, have signed a deal to appear and perform at strip clubs in L.A.  It's called Skankapalooza and will be sponsored by Valtrex.  OK so maybe that is what I'm calling it.  If someone wanted to take me along, I would have to get myself a new Haz-Mat suit.

Megan Fox showed up at the Teen Choice Awards.  I have studied this picture for many hours minutes.  You know her co-stars in the Transformers movies?  The transforming robots?  Well they look more human than she does in this picture.  Does she coat herself in wax or spackle herself with make-up? 

Levi Johnston is not ready to take that electrician job that Sarah Palin got for him despite Levi not having his GED.  No, Levi has plans for a reality series as well as a potential run for mayor of Wasila, Alaska.  He wants to legalize meth so that way his mom can get out of jail.  Legalized meth could also revitalize the Alaskan economy because it would draw in the Lohan family.

Lady Gaga did some stage diving at her Lolapalooza show in Chicago.  I think most of the people she dove into had never touched a woman before so that is why it appears as if a bodyguard has to hold her.  She also says that she is planning on making a movie incorporating all her music videos.  It will be like Michael Jackson's "Thriller".  So let me get this right?  Lady Gaga looks like Madonna, acts like David Bowie, and wants to be like Michael Jackson with her movie all while claiming to be original and unique.  Bitch, I've seen more creative and unique people at Walmart.  Go away.

This is Karissa and Kristina Shannon.  They are Hugh Hefner's former nurses girlfriends.  And, yes, they are sisters.  They just took things one rung higher on the attention whore ladder.  Maybe they weren't committing incest.  They could have been practicing CPR.  You know you get rusty at CPR when you break-up with Hef.

Jennifer Lopez is no longer a judge for the next season of American Idol.  Her demands were out of control so FOX pulled the plug on her job.  That is quite a big deal to be fired before the filming began.  FOX didn't bat an eye when Paula demanded a machine like a Coke machine but only it dispensed prescription pills.  To cope with the loss of her job, Jennifer posted the photo of her jewelry on Twitter with the question, "What should I wear today?"  Bitch, should have said, "What should I auction off today since I can't get a job?"  Shania Twain is now rumored to be the next judge.

Court documents in a divorce case were released this week.  A woman accuses her former husband of having an affair with former American Idol contestant Fantasia.  The woman claims Fantasia met her husband at a T-Mobile store and began their adulterous affair.  The woman claims that Fantasia recorded the sex sessions with her former husband and the complainant has seen the tapes.  When that sex tape gets released, I hope they get a DVD commentary track from Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, and Paula Abdul judging the love-making session.  I wonder how they would use the term "pitchy" in their judging.  To make matters worse, Fantasia was rushed to the hospital after an apparent overdose.  One of her representatives said that she was dehydrated and suffered from exhaustion just like every other celebrity who overdoses or goes to rehab.  Then the rep went on to talk about Fantasia's upcoming album.  HOLD THE PHONE!  I should have seen it coming...sex tape...cheating scandal...overdose...album release.  It all makes sense.  And don't you just love how they met at a T-Mobile store?  I bet his pick-up line was, "Hey, baby, wanna get on my family plan?"  Isn't that romantic, a love based on a desire for superior cellphone service at reasonable prices and a disregard for anyone else.  I smell a Nicholas Sparks novel.

Dustin Hoffman turned 73 this week.  Of course this is an old picture but I thought it was interesting seeing he was with Rue McClanahan.  I will always remember her as the over-sexed cougar Blanche.  Now that would have been a great version of The Graduate.  Blanche chasing after Dustin Hoffman...god, I need a life.

This photo made it's rounds on the series of tubes this week.  People claimed it was Conan O'Brien at the age of 18.  Conan announced via Twitter that it was indeed him at the age of 18 as well as 30 and 40.  It seems like it has been forever since he has been on TV.  November can't get here soon enough.

Broolyn Decker recently said that she was too fat to be a model.  She says she is a size 4.  Damn, that's HORRIBLE!  I have never been attracted to someone that is over a size for but I guess some people aren't picky.  If you can't tell, that's sarcasm.  Maybe I'm not doing it right if I have to say it...oh well.  If I was with Brooklyn, I would give her the most dissatisfying eight seconds of her life.

Alanis Morissette announced this week that she is expecting a baby with her husband named Souleye.  Congratulations to Alanis and Souleye!  But more importantly, congratulations to us!  I am sure that with a name like Souleye, that baby is going to receive an epic name that will make us laugh and shake our heads.

Amy Winehouse...what a dame!  She sure does clean up nicely.  I don't know what it is about her that gets me to stare endless hours at her.  Oh yeah...it rhymes with "Holy crap, her bits are huge!"

Justin Bieber was hit in the head with a bottle thrown by a fan at a recent concert.  I hope it knocked some talent into him.  Obviously he has no talent for dodging things.  Since George W. Bush is out of work, maybe he could teach Justin some dodging skills.

This is the official cover of Justin Bieber's autobiography.  Shouldn't he need to become a pro-skater or blow his meth dealer before he gets to write an autobiography?  You realize his life started in 1994, right?  Why would I want to read about this kid?  It had better come with crayons or some sort of golden ticket.  It will probably be 200 pages of him talking about his favorite night light and blankie or the time he went to the land of the Wild Things after his mom sent him to bed without any supper.

I hope everyone has a swell weekend.

And we're back.  It is so hot here.  I can't sleep so you get a bonus post today.  Lucky you.

1.  I like cats but I hate Hitler so imagine my extreme confusion when I saw this website called Cats the Look Like Hitler.  How can something so cuddly be set out on world domination?

2.  I enjoy sports but one thing I can't stand are the announcers.  They just get a little too involved.  Here is a list of some funny sports announcer bloopers.  Mike Ditka proves he is the man.

3.  I am scared by this site and I am sure I know a few of you who will want to flame it.  What the hell is a Christian Nympho?  I hope that is a joke.

4.  I think they are running out of ideas for Pokemon.

5.  Do you have a webcam?  Do you enjoy Ginuwine's hit song "Pony"?  Well combine the two and you get people dancing alone to Pony.

6.  I've seen a few people here on Xanga that have these pics that are custom made license plates.  Well you can make your own here.

7.  So Prop 8 was overturned and people rejoiced.  I secretly love seeing when people sneak amongst the Westboro Baptist church with pro-gay or other derogatory signs so this collection from Huffington Post was awesome for me.

8.  I hear Bill Snickers has a better plan for tax cuts than Drew Rees.

9.  In these posts I've discussed my obsession with girls eating ice cream cones and girls eating bananas.  Now we have another to add to the list...girls eating hot dogs.

10.  This could only happen in North St. Paul.

11.  Why do people play along with the people from emails from an asshole.  This one has to be my new favorite.

12.  I don't condone drug use but using this site while on an illegal substance may be mind-blowing.

Football to the groin had a football to the groin.

Oh wow I wish.

I hope this post was a knock out.

Did you read my last post?  My toe feels much better today and you can barely tell there isn't a toenail there.  You have to look at it up close.  Anyway it's hot so here are some not so hot tattoos.  Some images may not be safe for work and some are definitely not safe for life.

Wow, Troy is the best seahorse tattoo ever!! I have wondered how to write the raspberry sound and give a thumbs down...oh anyway I am trying to be sarcastic...a seahorse?  Are you daft?

You know if you stare at the flower long enough it starts to look like a vagina.  So my question is, since when did Georgia O'Keefe start doing tattoos?

I think I would have gone with real jewlery instead of a tattoo.  Real jewlery can be less expensive, less crappy, and of course you can take it off freely at will. 

Say Anything.....about how crappy this tattoo is.

So is a fan who loves Avatar so much that he gets characters tattooed on his body called an Avatard?  Maybe this is just what happens when you pass out on Pandora or whatever that planet was called.

You won't eat any Little Debbie snacks after seeing this one.  I'd stay away from anything with a special creme filling.

I hope that the guy who got this Alan Thicke tattoo lost a bet.  I bet the guy gets drunk and he sings "As long as we got each other, we've got the world spinnin' right in our hands.  Baby, you and me, we gotta be the luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin'"

In my experiences...yes, they do.

Why waste money on a Twilight tattoo?

Twilight has hit a new low.

Ah...truth in advertising.

Take a bite, ladies!

I think this guy should shave his head and have get a tattoo on the other side that says "Insert Brain Here".

You know if you get a tattoo that you think describes your personality it will just become a self-fulfilling prophecy. And since the tattoo is on this woman's breastbone, that has to be a drunk guy's worst nightmare.

This tattoo should be called ODF...Ol' Dirty Foot...hey, Dirty, baby, I got your money and your foot powder.

Oh deer...that's a bad tattoo.  Homonyms kick ass!

Hopefully, I'll be back later tonight with a links post. 

So I think I mislead people with my last pulse in which I said, Closed until further notice.  Well I will offer all of you a piece of advice.  Never...ever...EVER do any project that involves hammering while wearing sandals or no shoes.  I dropped a hammer on my big toe.  It hurt like a female dog but what made things worse was when I saw all the blood under the nail.  I got freaked and poked at it and realized that my nail was smashed.  I removed my big toenail with a flat-head screwdriver.  It took a little bit to get the bleeding to stop but now my toe is all cleaned up sans nail.  I guess this means no more sandals for the summer.  I don't want to get infected and have to get my toe lopped off resulting in me not being able to keep balanced.

Now that we got that out of the way....

Gather around kiddies, Uncle Mateo is about to tell you the legend of Ol' One Nut.  It all started in the little sleepy town of Wonewoc eons ago.  It was a spring afternoon.  I remember it being late spring because we were running around the playground after school had let out and we weren't wearing jackets and we were on the playground trying to figure out how many days of school were left. 

We were all latch-key children and we had nothing better to do than to play on the playground.  Looking back, it wasn't directly after school had dismissed but maybe an hour or so later, just around the time parents would arrive home from work.  I didn't live in Wonewoc but my grandmother lived across the street from the school.  I was waiting for my mom to arrive so we could begin work in my grandmother's garden.

A group of us had a assembled.  There was Jo-Jo, the Incredible Hulk, Jared (who would become One Nut), Nick, the African Dream (not racist because he was born in Africa), and there seems to be a few others whose names escape me because of my old age.  I think it is also imperative that I mention that if I was telling these stories orally, I would say "parentheses". (Just for your files)

After the discussion ended about when the school year finished, we involved ourselves in a rollicking game of ball tag.  Not the ball tag I was introduced to in high school where a guy would back hand slap your testicles and say "You're it."  No this game of ball tag involved a rubber ball thrown at excessive speeds in order to make an indirect object "it".  When a person would become "it" and the ball was rolling on the ground, those who were not "it" would hurl boastful insults at the person who was "it".  In once such occurrence is when Jared became Ol' One Nut.

I couldn't tell you who became "it" but I remember that Jared jumped on the playground's tire swing to hurl his hyperbole at the person who had been declared "it" by consensus of ball striking their body.  Jared jumped on a tire swing similar to this:

I do not know these children and they are not mine.  It is paramount that you see what this tire swing looks like for my story to continue.  I will wait while you study the photo....OK, Jared ran to the tire swing but didn't sit in it properly.  He wrapped his legs around one of the chain link connectors.  Jared started with his exultant bellowing but soon that bellowing turned to cries of agony.

Jared was wearing basketball shorts and in those days when Uncle Mateo was a child, basketball shorts rarely exceeded in length below the knees like nowadays.  Jared's shorts rode up his leg and his scrotum was attached to the chain link.  He screamed and screamed.  I still hear his pain all these years later.  He couldn't get loose as we stood around in disbelief at his predicament.  Soon we began questioning which adult we should get help from.  Jared didn't want to get in trouble so with one swift movement he tore himself free.  Yes, he tore himself free.  When he had secured freedom, the blood flowed along with other things.  He grabbed his crotch and took off like a lightning bolt from his home.  None of us moved except Jo-Jo.  She went closer to examine Jared's remains.  She started crying as she picked up the remnants of Jared's testicle.  She carried it home.  Kiddies, did I fail to mention that Jo-Jo was Jared's younger sister?

Jared was absent from school the next day but Jo-Jo told a remarkable tale.  She said that when Jared arrived home he duct taped and bandaged his wounded scrotum but he didn't do a good enough job.  When their mother arrived home, she saw a noticeable amount of blood on Jared's shorts.  He began crying and Jo-Jo said what had happened and showed her mother the testicle that she had placed in a glass inside the refrigerator.  They rushed to the hospital but it was too late. 

And that is why I never play on tire swings and how Ol' One Nut got his nickname.  Looking back at it, One Nut was a mean nickname for a kid to have in high school but students were kind since One Nuts' surname is Smallwood.

Hmmm...I will have to save the story of a real Wisconsin wedding for another time.

I hate when people use "we" when referring to their favorite sports team. Ex: "Yeah, we kicked ass last night." Was that you that was called out of the bullpen in the 8th to face the 4, 5, and 6, hitters while trying to hold a 1 run lead? Oh, no? You said "we" like you were there.  If you're not on the fucking roster, don't use "we".

I have sex like I invented sex.

Just to be clear, it's not like I was bringing the falcon into the store. He just loves attacking people at Dollar Tree and Game Stop.  He feeds on their fear.

Five years from now, we will look back at our time on Xanga and will be embarrassed about all the things we fought about.  So for the last time AC/DC's album 'Stiff Upper Lip" was way better than "Ball Breaker".  Do you know what fighting on Xanga is like?  Well if my answer wasn't so offensive and I didn't want to fight anyone, I'd tell you and put you in your place.

I heard from my old friend One Nut.  If you ask about how he got his name, I'll tell you.  He was bragging that even though he only has one testicle that it's more than Justin Bieber.

I ate a Chinese restaurant today and my fortune cookie said, "Fuck your life".  FML

Here's your weekly dose of motivation:

It looks like Linda McMahon is going to get the chance to lay the smack down on Capitol Hill.

Trying to cut down on your AC use? Become an Eskimo.

Heat advisories are just a good excuse for me to wear a speedo to WalMart.

Not commenting on this page or not recommending this entry is hazardous to your health, sort of like letting Michael J. Fox hold your baby.

And one more thing...feeling like there's no tomorrow?  Go buy yourself a calendar.

So because all the kiddies are doing it...and some may be negative but this is my blog.  I already posted my positive shit for the day.  I think I am doing these wrong.

1.  I like you and all your nuttiness.

2.  You are awesome.

3.  Remember that one time we got drunk and had Dick's girlfriend at the time drive us to the Cash Wise?  That was awesome!  As we were driving the carts around the store and screaming about our inebriated state and you crashing into a bread display, I felt like you were my brother.  I also felt like your older brother the time I forced you away from that one girl..you know the one who a few days later uttered, "I know you!"  You have a beautiful family.  As to feeling like a brother...well, only a brother would let their sibling piss out the window of a moving car AND LAUGH ABOUT IT!

4.  There was a time I really enjoyed having you at Xanga.  You were into good music and weren't all mainstreamy but then something changed.  You claimed about how you were non-conformist and at the same time you were conforming to others' ideas of what a non-conformist was.  You are not unique.  You are not an individual.  You are a weak-minded sheep who when you solicit advice do not like what you hear so you ignore me and insult my dead girlfriend.  You are nothing but a troll and I am thankful you are no longer in my life.

5.  There are times when I think we are on the same wave-length and that we read each other's mind.  It's sort of freaky but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Maybe it's because you know too many of my secrets therefore if I traded it, you would give away my secrets and I would be ruined.  People can't know I have a like of Coldplay.

6.  I love your artwork and I want you to style my hair sometime.

7.  There was a time when you said disparaging comments about my people but I realized that you are a racist and you hate all non-white races so I guess you're forgiven?

8.  I can't believe you let that little troll run you off from this site so that you have to go into hiding under a different Xanga name. 

9.  We really need to get together and have a few bourbons, a few scotches, and a few beers.  I don't know if I'd be able to drink much since I have had one drink since June 19th.  I'm slacking but my health is more important.

10.  Remember that time on my 21st birthday when you took me to The Hideout and you let that bartender make me an Ocean Wave?  For those of you who weren't there...an ocean wave is a simple shot of Curaçao but as the person is drinking it the bartender splashes them with a glass of water.  I have to say I forgave you and had a blast.  I wish I could see more of you and your family although I am certain I would frighten your children.  Also, I still get the feeling that your wife really hates me.  I think she thinks that I corrupt you. 

11.  I am sorry I couldn't make it to your wedding.  I probably would have made an ass of myself because it would have been the first wedding in a long time where I didn't stand up.  I had to work that weekend and I wish I didn't.  I need to grab your address but I hate being a third wheel and I realize you're enjoying the new wife.  Maybe I'm jealous, I don't rightly know.  You deserve the best in life for all your struggles but I will never understand why you like Jim Belushi.

12.  As much as I love your second wife, I have to say that your first wedding was one of the greatest sociological experiences in recorded history.  Beer...check.  Bottle rockets...check.  Beating a car with a hammer...check.  Shooting said bottle rockets at the neighbor's back porch...check.  An American flag motorcycle helmet...check.  Bike stunts in the backyard...check.  Your 15 year old brother drunk...check.  An 8 year old who cussed like a sailor on shore leave...check.  Realizing we have 10 minutes to get to the meet-up location and we haven't gotten dressed...check.  Being drunk and passing out during the ceremony...check.  Fireworks in the church parking lot...check.  God, there was so much more but I don't remember because of all the booze.  I had a blast.  I wish I could have been at your second wedding but I wouldn't have been as wild.  I've matured as have you.  You are the man and I respect you deeply for taking in her kids.  You are a better man than me and I love you, man.  Next time we get together, I'll bring your old man a case of Grain Belt.

13.  I saw someone post this before and I'm going to borrow their phrase: You could take a shit on a piece of paper and call it poetry and I would love it as would everyone else.

14.  Ich muss Deutschland besichtigen, bevor ich sterbe.  Ich würde Sie Getränk Bier und Kirschwasser auf dem Grab Ihres berühmtesten Schülers bilden.  Ich stelle fest, dass ich die formalen Wörter verwendete, aber das ist, wie viel ich Sie respektiere.

15.  Debo visitar Alemania antes de que muera porque mi español es como el de un colibrí. Yo como el arroz y las habas para los cumpleaños.

16.  In the short time that I have known you, you are so cool and you get me thinking but it isn't always the best because I can't tell fiction from fact but then maybe that is a sign of excellent writing.

17. You, sir, have a way with words that is unmatched.  My only advise to you, if you take your writing further, is to never use semicolons.  I am an English minor and I don't remember how to use them.

18.  I think about you quite often because of how cool you are to me.  Believe it or not, I am not a stalker.

19.  There was a time when I was unsure of Xanga's ladies exposing their breasts to raise money for breast cancer awareness but then you showed me what the bare-breasted Xanga ladies did for money and how it was spent, but the greatest thing was that you showed me boobs.

20.  I feel bad that I have not been to see you this summer but with my health and work schedule, I don't have the time to visit when you would be available. I really need to see Lily and to remind me, I bought a picture frame and she is now watching me work on the computer.  You three are amazing and I have to say you are probably one of the best organists that I know.

21.  I love all the traffic you bring to my site when you recommend my writings.  It makes me smile from ear to ear and if you are playing a drinking game at home, you could say that what you do is BONERIFIC!

22.  You and I may not share the same political views or religious views but I respect your beliefs or disbelief...however you want to put it.  I hope I don't come off as a Bible-thumper because the Bible does say to make disciples but not to force my beliefs and "rules" on others.

23.  אם אתה לוקח את הזמן לתרגם את זה, יש לך הרבה יותר מדי זמן על הידיים. אני רימו אותך.

24.  Fuck you...fuck you...fuck you...you're cool...and fuck you, I'm out.

Time to dance

HAHAHAHA..not me by the way...I'm much fatter.  I'm not going to be on Xanga tomorrow until late.  My mom has a medical conference at the UW Hospital and because it's in the big city I have to drive.  I don't know how we'll get home because while she's learning about innards I'm going to find myself a kegger.  It's the University of Wisconsin so there's got to be a kegger on a Tuesday morning.

you best laugh, Xanga reader...so I couldn't call you a mother fucker.  That's not my style.  Does anyone get my bastardization of the title?

Those damn birds keep getting faster and more advanced.

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Select Start Pull-out

This is a typical site for people who eat that second Double Down at lunch time.

They all got nothing but coal for Christmas not because they were naughty but because coal matches the color of their souls.  How awesome would that be for an album cover?

Then call the cops.

This is the kind of woman I would take home to meet mom.

And this was the day we decided that dear old granddad needed to be put in a nursing home.

WE'VE SOLVED THE ENERGY CRISIS!

She showed up for her nightly Pabst smear.

Shark=weak.

SAVE ME!  I think calories are his weakness.

Here we see a meeting of Sarah Palin's 2012 political advisory team.

Ozzie Guillen signed this ball for a Cleveland Indians fan shortly after Lebron made "the Decision".  Ozzie Guillen is bad-ass.  Too bad I hate Chicago sports.

The real Coyote Ugly is real ugly.

Polka in front...dryer in rear?

Oh won't you please take me home.

You use myspace to arrange your threesomes...duh!

I am a Violent Femmes sort of mood.  Maybe it has to do with some dreams I've had recently.

I went out for supper with my parents.  I was trying to explain something to my dad and it was like an old Abbott and Costello routine.  I seriously think God put me on this world to be a straight man.  Anyway, he kept forgetting or misconstruing what I was saying and finally our conversation ended when he said, "Oh...ZZ Top...'He's got legs'"  "Dad it's 'She's got legs'"  "Whatever"  My dad is acting like a teenage girl at times.  Oh and one word for all you: Culver's.  On to the round up.  Some images may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW & NSFL.

Wyclef Jean is allegedly trying to run for president of Haiti.  Recently he compared himself to Moses, the guy in the Bible...not my jewelry guy.  Wyclef wants to lead the people of Haiti to the promised land.  What, he plans to bring them all to Wisconsin?  I guess that wouldn't be bad since it seems like there is only 5 people left in Haiti.  I think the reason why Wyclef is so interested in becoming president is because he heard all the stories of blow jobs that Bill Clinton received while in office.  Sean Penn told CNN that he thinks there is something behind Wyclef's presidential bid and that he doesn't trust him.  Hmmm...so who am I to trust?  A musician or a movie star?  Anyone that gets their political knowledge from an entertainer needs to be shot.

There is a story circulating that a few weeks ago Tila Tequila filmed a porn.  She claims that the story is being spread by a disgruntled ex-employee.  Based on her track record, I have no doubt she filmed a porn.  Hell, it'd be the sanest thing she's ever done and probably where she next intended to take her career.

This is Sophie Turner.  I had to post this photo because she is not properly stretching and is risking a hamstring injury.  Hey, what can I say?  I am a man who takes his stretching seriously.

Snooki was arrested in Miami for being a drunk tard and these are her mugshots.  She is such a hot mess.  I bet there is a queen somewhere that is so jealous of Snooki's beauty that she will give Snooki a poisoned apple.  The mugshot isn't the cruelest form of humiliation that Snooki has suffered.  It also isn't being the same color as Fanta orange pop or being as wide as she is tall.  No, the cruelest form of humiliation Snooki has suffered is getting paid huge amounts of money for her TV show and not being tall enough to access the ATM machine.

After being jailed, Snooki kept it classy by ordering a drink that had a penis straw.  OK so maybe I'm getting a little turned on here.  I am single so give me a break.

I think this is the first time that Siegfried and Roy have made it to the Celebrity Round Up.  Anyway, Roy Horn is being sued for sexual harassment.  The accuser said that Roy has been groping his genitals amongst other things.  The strangest thing is that the accuser is not a tiger but an actual human male.  Roy was disabled 7 years ago in a tiger attack but that hasn't stopped him from trying to get freaky.  The accuser claims that Roy would drop things in front of himself and when the assistant would go to pick it up, Roy would force the assistant's face into Roy's crotch.  Other times Roy would grope the assistant's genitals.  I thought he and Siegfried were straight and the closest thing they came to sex was lounging on water-beds with a light breeze from a fan blowing on their freshly waxed chests while feeding each other grapes in front of a group of tigers.  My world is shattered.  I bet all the anti-gay people will say this is what legalized gay marriage will become.  Two words:  Tiger Woods.  Hmmm maybe Siegfried and Roy should adopt Tiger.  That may cure Tiger of all his sexual advances on Perkins waitresses and porn stars.

Paris Hilton is in Ibiza on the set of a music video for one of her new songs.  She has new music?  Are my ears bleeding yet?  Oddly enough I want Paris' life minus the looks, personality, and sexually transmitted diseases.  Whenever she "works" it's nothing more than a big island party.  How cool would that be to do for a living? 

This is a still from Montana Fishburne's porn movie.  Due to interest, Vivid has rushed production and is trying to get the DVDs on the porn shelves as soon as they can.  Montana, whose porn name is Chippy D, says her role model is Kim Kardashian.  Well, there you go.  She emulates a girl whose rise to fame came from being in a homemade porn.  The funny thing is, this isn't Montana's first foray into the world of adult entertainment.  She appeared under the name Chippy D in a movie titled Phattys, Rhymes, and Dimes 14.  Her screen name is Chippy D?  That sounds like some rejected hip-hop Chipmunk who had to turn to porn to make ends meet...oh wait.  It turns out that Montana isn't a virgin in the sex industry.  She has been busted for prostitution and is currently on probation.  She also had to serve 105 hours of Californian beautification, 15 hours community service, STD education, and get an AIDs test.  Apparently nothing set in with her.  Friends of Lawrence Fishburne approached Vivid Entertainment and tried to purchase all the copies of her DVD for $1million and then they would melt every copy but Vivid already shipped them.  She said porn has been something she's wanted to do for some time.  While waiting for the school bus, she was probably wishing for the Bang Bus to show up.  She explains, "Being in an adult film is not a big deal to me. It's something I always wanted to do. I have always been comfortable in my body and with my sexuality. I am not in porn to get into acting. I am in porn because I wanted to be in porn."  This is our future, folks.

Martha Stewart turned 69 this week.  Yes, that is an old photo and is really Martha.  You want to know how I know it's her?  Well she sewed that bathing suit and she hand-crafted the chair.

This is for Rob_of_the_Sky if he even reads this.  You know those old episodes of The Simpsons where they look into the future?  Well in an episode from 1995, it predicted that Lisa would be married on August 1st of this year.  You know what this says about me?  I am old and a nerd.  I'll just say that when The Simpsons Christmas special aired, I was the same age as Bart.  Can anyone except Rob_of_the_Sky tell me the significance of the pigs?  I would say that this was the biggest celebrity wedding this week but Lisa and Hugh never did go through with it.

Lindsay Lohan is out of jail.  Lock up all your prescription drugs.  Well actually she is heading to rehab first.  The story changes on a daily basis as to what she is addicted to.  Some say Ambien, Adderal, Diuladid, or cocaine.  TMZ has reported that Lindsay is addicted to meth.  It's quite apparent that Lindsay has an addicting personality...I suck.

As soon as she leaves rehab, Lindsay is set to join the Church of Scientology.  Considering how this religion preys on incompetent and feeble-minded celebrities, it's a shock that she hasn't joined already.  Watch out for her career to take off like another Scientologist, Kirstie Alley.

Lily Allen has come down with a case of the babies.  She and her boyfriend announced this week that Lily is three months along.  I know in the past I have mentioned my love for Lily but I guess that love is dead...sigh...let's send her some positive thoughts since her last pregnancy ended with a miscarriage.  I hope Lily and baby are happy and healthy.

This week Lady Gaga said some crazy shit.  First, she said that she occasionally likes to snort coke but she doesn't want her fans to do that.  Lady Gaga does drugs...go figure.  She also fears that she will lose creativity through her vagina and worries when a guy penetrates her.  Well, I hate to break it to you but in order to lose creativity you must have creativity.  Pissed off?  Like I've said before, get a DeLorean, get a flux capacitor, get your speed up to 88mph, go back to 1985, and look for a person named Madonna.

Ke$ha made an appearance at a press conference for a new concert series in which she will be performing but before she got to the conference it appears as if she blew a Smurf or would that be blue a Smurf.  Homonyms...FTW!

It looks like Katy Perry washed up on shore wearing nothing but fishnets for a Rolling Stone photo shoot.  That is basically how most of my dreams play out.  Katy Perry is replaced by other ladies and they never wash up for a photo shoot.

Katy Perry is an awesome girlfriend.  She bought her boyfriend, Russell Brand, a $200,000 ticket to fly in space.  The flight also includes 3 days of intense training.  I am so jealous because as a nerd I want to be in outer space but truth be told, I'd rather date Betty White.  You laugh.  The reason I'd date Betty White is because that way I can go anywhere and mouth off.  I could cause bar fights on a nightly basis and Betty White would have my back.  What you don't know is that Betty White is an accomplished street fighter and will fight dirty.

It seems like just yesterday Justin Bieber learned his alphabet.  Despite this, he is set to write an autobiography.  The book is tentatively titled: Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story.  Holy shit!  It has to be great because it has two colons in the title!  It will hit shelves in October.  Remember a few weeks ago when I posted a link to a collection of his quotes?  Well here are some from the literary genius, Justin Bieber, so you can get ready for his masterpiece: "It's kind of hard to balance school and work sometimes. But sometimes, like, if I'm going to the White House and I'm in there doing a tour and stuff, that's like school."  "I'm just a regular 16 year old kid. I make good grilled cheese and I like girls."  “People write to me and say, ‘I’m giving up, you’re not talking to me.’ I just write them a simple message like, ‘Never give up,’ you know? And it changes their life.”  Sadly, I bet this book will be a best-seller and probably sell more copies than the Bible.

Johnny Depp is in Hawaii and he's shirtless.  Are you tingly yet, ladies?  You're welcome.

Last week I wrote about how Casey Affleck had a sexual harassment lawsuit filed against him.  Well, this week he was sued again.  According to a cinematographer named Magdalena Gorka, one night Casey crawled into her bed while she was asleep.  She said he was wearing underwear and was caressing her.  She also said his breath reeked of booze.  After she kicked him out of the room, the onslaught began.  Casey would continually harass her for not having sex with him so she quit the production and is suing him for $2.25million.  This movie better rake in the money just so he can cover his legal expenses. 

This is an early poster for the Joaquin Phoenix "documentary".  It is about the time when Joaquin said he was retiring from acting to pursue a rap career.  I really think the film should be renamed, "Casey Affleck Harassed Everyone on Set During Production".

Jessica Simpson posted this photo of her and her boyfriend, Eric Johnson, kissing on Twitter.  She seems distracted.  What could possibly distract Jessica from a kiss?  Yes...a corndog.

This is Jake Gyllenhaal's grade school picture.  The haircut says MasterCuts and the glasses scream LensCrafters.  I bet Reese Witherspoon is kicking herself for breaking up with him and seeing what their children would have looked like.

Holly Madison recently said that she bought her friend a breast enlargement.  The friend went from an A-cup to a D-cup.  What a friend!  Sadly, ditzy blondes with big boobs are a dime a dozen in Hollywood.  If they get a job in the entertainment industry their title is usually "stripper".

Emma Watson cut her hair.  I wonder if she used a Flowbee to cut her mane.  I try to think of the attractive short haired women celebrities...Mia Farrow...Hilary Swank...Justin Bieber....ok maybe not.  Anyway, Emma looks great.  This is what we call a "fuck you haircut".  She made over $30million from her appearances in the Harry Potter movies so once she was done she said "fuck you" and cut her hair.

Charlie Sheen will not be going to jail.  He got three months of probation, 36 hours of anger management, and a visit to rehab for attempting to stab his wife in the throat.  I guess this means you need at least 10 IMDB credits to get you out of trouble so that means I'm screwed.

It's a sad day in America.  Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have announced that they are no longer dating so their marriage is off.  That means you have to return the camouflage blender to Walmart.  Bristol claims that she called off the wedding because Levi was only interested in being famous.  She really needs to quit playing the victim.  The last time I checked it took two people to make a baby consensually.  I bet the real reasons she called off the wedding was because they didn't get a shitty reality series.

B.J. Novak turned 31 this week.  He is a major player in Hollywood and I am one year younger and what have I done with my life....yeah, catcalling celebrities on Xanga.  I'm the man.

Avirl Lavigne...we've had our differences in the past with your faux-punk lifestyle and your crappy music but PEEK-A-BOOB!

Oh...AnnaLynne McCord...I think I am falling in love with you.  I guess that's what happens when your name sounds and looks like "anal", you dress like an escort, and your eyes scream that you want to throw me on my desk and do me reverse cowgirl until sunrise.  Of course it would only be a matter of time before I fall in love.

Every once in a while a woman who appears to be a homeless crackhead can clean up and become presentable and then there's Amy Winehouse.

A few weeks ago I wrote how police were investigating Al Gore for rape.  A masseuse claims that while she was massaging Al, he raped her.  Well after the investigation, it turns out that Al is innocent.  The masseuse took a polygraph test and failed.  There was also a rumor that she made up the story to get money from a tabloid.  When asked about this during the polygraph, she refused to answer.  Al is innocent of rape but he's probably not innocent of being a lecher since all politicians are lechers and have been since the beginning of politics and that's an inconvenient truth.

Britney Spears has been helping Mel Gibson through his recent crisis.  I guess that makes her Dr. Phillbilly.  Her first rule of therapy with Mel was to get her something from Starbucks.  Whatever it is she is drinking, it's filled with extra sexiness.  She is quite noticeable in public.  Starbucks?  Check.  Stain on shirt?  Check.  Visible nipples?  Check.  Insane look on face?  Double check.  Stolen sugar packets?  Check.  Hell, that doesn't sound like a therapy session at all.  Britney must be on a date.

Last weekend Chelsea Clinton married long-time boyfriend Marc Mevinsky.  Apparently it was a beautiful ceremony and blah blah blah.  All I want to know is how many bridesmaids Bill banged or gave the cigar treatment in a port-a-potty.  In case you missed the motivation post...Bill gave his son-in-law a box of cigars and a lifetime supply of Tide with stain lifter.

Video Section:
This is our future, people.  This is a son of one of the members of the Insane Clown Posse.

Before they were Famous: Paul Rudd.  One of my goals in life is to be a bat mitzvah DJ.

Paul Rudd: Bat Mitzvah DJ from Jewish Forward on Vimeo.

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend.
Do you like me?  ____ yes   ____ no _____ maybe ______ I wanna screw your brains out.