September 3, 2010

• How My Parents Ruined My Childhood

  (I added a few more childhood memories)
  My mom got pregnant and it was all downhill from there.  My dad wasn't that observant and didn't understand the delicate nature of an infant skull.  He was watching me one morning in February shortly after my first birthday.  He had to go start the car because it was -10F but he couldn't leave me in the apartment because my mom had already left for work.  He decided that since the car was cold inside and would give off carbon monoxide the best bet was to place me in my car seat on the hood of the car.  This was a late 70s boat of a car and when the engine started, the rumble shook the whole car.  I started sliding down in my car seat and fell off the car and landed head first on the curb.  My dad quickly picked me up and rushed me to the hospital.  I had a minor concussion.  Then another time they fell asleep watching a movie, I stuck an orange seed in my ear thinking that I would grow oranges from my ear.  It didn't come out and I started crying.  They rushed me to the hospital where I had to have emergency surgery to remove the orange seed.  Then another time they wouldn't let me watch Dukes of Hazard so I made my own show.  I made a ramp, hoping I would jump over the stairs leading up to the apartment.  I got on my Knight Rider Big Wheel and pedaled with all of my might.  I hit the ramp and it collapsed and I flew down three or four flights of stairs.  My parents heard the crash and knew it was me.  I was rushed to the hospital.  I had a minor concussion.  Once, when I was in second grade, my mom made me eat all my vegetables, and wouldn't let me have any dessert until I did.  I hated her so much for that.

  There was this one time I was trying out to be in a battle of the band but my parents never cared.  My mom was a drunk and my dad was a workaholic at a dead-end job.  Then I get a call from the local "mad" scientist.  He wanted me to video tape some scientific experiments.  He claimed he made this time machine out of an old DeLorean.  Well instead of him traveling in time, I did.  I went back to when my parents were kids and I told them to go easy on me.  When I got back, things were very different.

  There was a time when my dad had to go out of town for business and he was gone for a long time.  I was left to be the man of the house although my mom did most of the work.  One day this stray dog showed up at our house.  He was a scruffy old yellow dog so I called him Old Yellow Dog.  That dog did everything.  He even helped me fish.  He even saved me from a charging bear.  Then when one of our cows gave birth, the mother charged at me because she didn't want to be parted with her calf but Old Yellow Dog was there to save me.  Then out of nowhere Old Yellow Dog's owner showed up but he said I could have him if my mom made him a nice meal and I got him a lizard.  Then one day I took Old Yellow Dog hunting.  We were looking for these wild boars.  I was in a tree above the boars but I fell and they attacked me but Old Yellow Dog fought them off.  Later on a rabid wolf came by our house and attacked Old Yellow Dog and he got the rabies.  I had to shoot Old Yellow Dog because he was a not himself.  Then my dad came home from his business trip.  He heard about Old Yellow Dog's exploits and was impressed.  I didn't want a puppy he got me but when I saw the yellow puppy steal food just like Old Yellow Dog, I knew that the puppy was Old Yellow Dog's son so I called him Young Yellow Dog.

  My parents never cared if I drank or got high.  I transferred to a new high school my sophomore year and it was hard being the new kid in school.  I only had two friends and the rest of the kids tried to start knife fight with me when we went on a field trip.  It was broken up but one of those thugs challenged me to a game of chicken.  I raided my dad's liquor cabinet and he didn't stop me.  I went to a cliff overlooking the ocean and we drove.  I jumped out of the car before it went over the edge but the leader of the thugs, Buzz, proved he wasn't a chicken and he plunged to his death.  My mom didn't believe me but my dad always stuck up for me.  I decided to go to the police and tell them what happened.  Buzz's gang saw me and they harassed my friend, Plato.  He grabbed his parents' gun and shot at me, the thugs, and the police because he was out of his mind.  I knew where Plato would be hiding and the police let me in to convince him to come out.  I took the bullets out of the gun when Plato wasn't looking.  We walked outside the planetarium but Plato got spooked by all the cops and he pulled out his gun.  The cops shot him.  I was distraught but my dad was there to comfort me and he promised to be a better father right then and there.

  After that incident my mom decided to move me to live with family in a small town called Beaumont.  This town sucked.  The city council banned all dancing because it was lead by this "holier than thou" pastor.  I fell in love with the pastor's daughter but she had a boyfriend.  Once again I found myself in a game of chicken and he only won because I had no clue how to drive a tractor.  The pastor then forbade his daughter from seeing me but I had bigger fish to fry because senior prom was approaching and I wanted to fucking dance.  I went to a city council meeting and I read Bible verses about dancing because I knew that would burn the pastor.  Even though the pastor wanted to keep the law, the city council repealed it.  The next Sunday in church the pastor prayed for us and our prom.  We had a God-pleasing, kick-ass prom and the pastor even danced with his wife.  Now you are wondering why this ruined my childhood...well, my parents were nowhere to be found.  I did this all by myself.

  Things didn't stay better for long.  One night my parents and I decided to go to the opera.  On the way out, my dad decided we should take a short cut and go through an alley.  Well that was a stupid move because these muggers jumped out and stole my dad's money and my mom's jewelry.  My dad was stupid and tried to fight back so the muggers shot him and my mom.  I went into a major depression and traveled the world and studied martial arts.  Now I patrol the streets of a major city fighting crime in the hopes that somehow I can avenge my parents' death while the family butler helps me fight crime and wash my clothes.  If my parents were never killed, I would have never been a billionaire playboy.

  College wasn't much of a picnic either.  In order to make ends meet I took a job as a janitor at an Ivy league school.  Things were going pretty good but then I was stupid.  Some math professor decided to leave these complex math problems on a chalk board in hopes that someone could solved them.  Well I picked up the chalk and started working on the problem.  I love math and of course I solved the problem.  They found out that a lowly janitor solved the problem so they said I needed to get some counseling.  I hated my therapist because he was so furry that he looked like an escaped ape and he always wore those stupid Mr. Rogers sweaters.  Oh and the worst part of all of this, my best friend was Ben Affleck.

  Yeah, they let me watch way too much TV, as you can see I have no imagination.  Some of these are true.

  Real examples of bad parenting:
  
  
  

  
  This makes me tear up.
  
  OMG
  
  Fits in with my story.
  
  OK there's a story behind this.  A guy found this flier on a bulletin board at a gas station.  Why don't you put a smile on his face and send him a birthday card.  He's a war hero; he killed people so you better send him a birthday card.

  • 2:49 PM
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