September 7, 2010

• My NFL All-Criminal Team

  A lot of people are getting pumped up for the NFL season and are compiling their favorite stars.  I thought I would join the craze but my team would be my favorite criminals of the National Football League.  I guess NFL players are aggressive because it's part of their job but too many are aggressive off the field.  I think my roster would be a pretty damn good team although we might not be able to play a full season because of suspensions.  I am truly amazed at how easy it was to create this team.

  Offense
  Quarterback: Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers, alleged multiple sexual assaults.  I was thinking of a good, quarterback that could start for my team and Big Ben was the first to come to mind.  You know he lured those women into the bathroom stalls by saying, "Hey, wanna find out why they call me Big Ben?"  I could have went with Art Schlichter but one criteria was "good" and then I could have went with Michael Vick but the other criteria was "quarterback"

  Running Backs: O.J. Simpson, Buffalo Bills, alleged double murder, burglary.  No list can be complete without the juice.  If you don't understand why O.J. is on the list, listen to a Jay Leno monologue.  I'm pretty sure he does an O.J. joke once or twice a week.

  Jamal Lewis, Baltimore Ravens, drug dealing.  He ran for 2000 yards like O.J. and then served time in prison like O.J.  I don't know which was worse, prison time for dealing cocaine or ending his career with the Cleveland Browns

  Dishonorable Mention: Marshawn Lynch (DUI), Larry Johnson (domestic violence), and Lawrence Phillips (everything under the sun)

  Wide Receivers: Donte Stallworth, Cleveland Browns, manslaughter, DUI.  Poor Donte.  He was drafted by the Saints and has played for New England, Philadelphia and Cleveland.  He got drunk and hit a pedestrian in a cross-walk in Miami.  He was suspended 4 games.  Michael Vick missed about 2 seasons for fighting dogs.  Hmmm.  Anyway, Stallworth now plays for the actual all-criminal team, the Baltimore Ravens

  Rae Carruth, Carolina Panthers, murder.  Rae shot his 8 month pregnant girlfriend.  She called 911 and said what happened.  She slipped into a coma and died.  Luckily her child was saved and delivered via c-section.  Rae has 18 more years to go on his sentence.  I wonder how Roger Goddell will handle the suspension when Rae asks for reinstatement.

  Dishonorable Mention: Plaxico Burgess (felony gun charges), Brandon Marshall (disorderly conduct, domestic violence), Matt Jones (cocaine possession), Santonio Holmes (disorderly conduct, marijuana possession)

  Tight End: Mark Chmura, Green Bay Packers, sexual assault.  He tried to play Hot Tub Time Machine with the babysitter only she got younger.  There's a funny rumor about who the girl was...a daughter of a former Milwaukee Brewer.  Now Chewie can be heard on Madison's ESPN Radio covering football and calling high school games.  Ummmm...anyone else scared about that?

  Dishonorable Mention: Daniel Graham (Harassment)

  Tackles: Nick Kaczur, New England Patriots, illegal painkiller possession.  He's Canadian.  We should have seen this coming...just kidding just kidding.

  Cornell Green, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, domestic abuse.  After winning the Super Bowl with Tampa Bay, he beat his wife with a mop handle.  Maybe he was watching Toxic Aveneger.

  Dishonorable Mention: Jamal Brown (domestic abuse and battery)

  Guards: Nate Newton, Dallas Cowboys, drug possession.  In November of 2001, Nate was arrested with 213 pounds of marijuana.  5 weeks later he was arrested with 175 pounds of weed.  He is now a born-again Christian.  Here I thought he would have joined a Rastafarian community.

  Todd Burger, Chicago Bears, horrible cliche.  Burger was arrested in part of an illegal gambling operation.  He was the enforcer and muscle for a group that was taking bets over the internet.  Who would have thought a washed-up former NFL player would be muscle for the mob?

  Dishonorable Mention: Kareem Mackenzie (DUI), Chester Pitts (evading arrest in motor vehicle)

  Center: Barrett Robbins, Oakland Raiders, attempted murder.  Barrett is probably best know for, just days before the Super Bowl, disappearing winding up in the hospital and being diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder.  That was probably the most normal part of his off-field antics.  He was in a brawl and tried to kill someone but he was shot three times.  He has also been in and out of jail for substance abuse.

  Dishonorable Mention: Jeremy Bridges (assault)

  Defense
  Defensive Ends: Leonard Little, St. Louis Rams, manslaughter, DWI.  In 1998, Little got behind the wheel of a vehicle while drunk and killed a woman in a car crash.  He served no jail time but was suspended 8 games.  Michael Vick spent nearly a year in prison for dog fighting...hmmmm.  In 2004, Little was arrested for DWI.  So every 6 years he likes to get behind the wheel so we better be careful out there.

  Alonzo Spellman, Chicago Bears, disorderly conduct.  He battled bi-polar disorder.  I remember one instance when he went off his medicine and was spotted riding a bicycle down a Chicago freeway. He had his face painted and dyed his hair blonde.  He was on a flight and began screaming that the plane was going to crash.  What if he was right and he saved them because he forced the plane to land because of his behavior?

  Dishonorable Mention: Terrell Suggs (aggravated assault), Shaun Ellis (marijuana possession, speeding, driving without insurance)

  Defensive Tackle: Shaun Rogers, Detroit Lions, gun possession.  Apparently no one told Rogers that people can't bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo, box cutters, hammers, and loaded .45 handguns on planes.  Well he got busted for trying to bring the gun in his luggage.  In his defense, he was trying to leave Cleveland.

  Tank Johnson, Chicago Bears, gun possession.  Is it any shock that a guy whose name is Tank is charged with gun possession?  They found a loaded handgun in his car at a nightclub.  While on probation he was charged with assault and resisting arrest.  Then police found 6 weapons in his home including 2 assault rifles.  They also found pot.  There is nothing...I repeat...NOTHING as exciting as getting high and shooting an AK47.

  Linebackers: Lawrence Taylor, New York Giants, rape.  L.T. was an interesting player.  He would routinely send hookers to the hotels of the opposing team and he was a coke fiend.  This year he was arrested for rape of a minor.  He claims he paid this girl so he could masturbate in front of her.  Sadly, this isn't the most embarrassing moment of his life.  That would be his stint on Dancing with the Stars.

  Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens, double murder, obstruction of justice.  Ray and two of his friends got in a fight with some other guys and those two guys were stabbed and died.  Ray had no clue who his friends were when questioned by the police.  Later on, he was sued by the family of one of the dead men.  For a guy who claimed his innocence he sure gave out a lot of money and signed quickly.

  Leroy Hill, Seattle Seahawks, domestic violence, marijuana possession.  Last month Leroy was investigated for violence and his team ordered him to stay away from training camp and suspended him from a couple games this season.  This is why Seattle will never win a Super Bowl.  All Super Bowl teams need a crazy linebacker.  The Giants won a Super Bowl with Taylor and the Ravens won one with Ray Lewis and in the dishonorable mention Jonathon Vilma won with the Saints and Antonio Pierce won one with the Giants.

  Dishonorable Mention: Jonathon Vilma (reckless driving), Antonio Pierce (animal neglect, charged but not indicted in the Plaxico Burress gun scandal)
  
  Defensive Backs: Darryl Henley, L.A. Rams, drug trafficking.  While with the Rams, Henley was charged with drug trafficking.  In response, he hired contract killers to murder the trial judge as well as a key witness.  He got 41 years in prison which is over a 500 times longer sentence than Donte Stallworth received for actually killing someone.

  Pacman Jones, Tennessee Titans, being Pacman Jones.  This guy has to be the MVP of this team based on his sheer stupidity.  He is also the only member of this team that was a professional wrestler during an NFL suspension.  He also has served no jail time which is a shocker but then O.J. Simpson didn't spend any time in jail prior to 2008.  It's just a matter of time.

  Jermaine Phillips, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, domestic assault.  Phillips won a Super Bowl in 2002 along with my tackle Cornell Green.  I guess winning the Super Bowl does weird things to people.

  Donte Whitner, Buffalo Bills, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest.  He should also be guilty of being the biggest draft bust on this list.  He was at a party in Cleveland(what is with Cleveland) and the party broke out into a riot.  Whitner would not come quietly so the police had to Tase him.  That's probably the most electrifying moment in his career.

  Dishonorable Mention: Ricky Manning Jr. (felony assault), Ko Simpson (obstruction), Deltha O'Neal (DWI)

  Special Teams
  Kicker: Jeff Reed, Pittsburgh Steelers, disorderly conduct.  Reed was in a bathroom at a Pittsburgh convenience store and was so upset that the paper towel dispenser had no towels in it, he ripped it out of the wall.  he was also arrested for public intoxication after a win in Cleveland (where else).   I guess you could classify his crimes as being "Jersey Shore".  Maybe Reed was trying to get his own reality show...Crazy in Cleveland.

  Dishonorable Mention: Sebastian Janikowski (DUI, assault, vandalism)...I really wanted to put him at #1 but Reed had the Cleveland connection.

  Punter: Todd Sauerbrun, Chicago Bears, DUI.  Sauerbrun was also charged with missing a court appearance but the craziest story in his off-field career is his link to a steroids investigation.  That's right, an NFL punter was possibly taking steroids.  I guess he wanted to be the most physically dominating player at the position that requires the least amount of physical strength in the NFL.

  

  my prediction: packers go undefeated and Rodgers is MVP with 4000 yards and 35 tds, wins super bowl and I invent time travel so I can go back to the 90s to have sex with Bjork.

  • 4:35 PM
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