September 11, 2010

• Celebrity Round Up 9/11/10

  Yesterday I was down in Madison.  I'll tell you why in a later post.  I was thinking of doing a 9/11 post but I think it's better to offer some humor on this day.  As always, some images may not be safe for work and some may not be safe for life...NSFW and NSFL.
  
  Here we see Tila Tequila driving her brand new Lamborghini.  Since when did they make Lamborghinis with booster seats? 
  
  We all remember how Wyclef Jean said he wanted to run for president of Haiti and how he didn't make the ballot.  Well Sean Penn made some comments about how Wyclef isn't what the country needs and he also said that in all the time he was in Haiti for the past 6 months, Wyclef wasn't there.  Also one of Wyclef's former bandmates in The Fugees said that Wyclef wasn't qualified to be a president.  Now...Wyclef struck back.  He didn't say anything...he sang it.  He had a hit song a few years ago called "If I Was President" and he changed the lyrics to: "If I was president. I got a message for Sean Penn, maybe he ain't see me in Haiti cuz he was too busy sniffing cocaine. I got a message for Praswell, even though you don't want to support me, I got love for you. Even though you only kicked eight bars for the Fugees. If I was president."  Oh snap, they done got told.  I wonder if Sean choked on those words but honestly it's time for Wyclef to move on.  Maybe he should worry about those houses he had foreclosed.  He's just pouting because he was not allowed to run for president because you have to live in Haiti for 5 years prior to an election and he's been living in New Jersey of all places. 
  
  Of course Sean Penn couldn't keep his mouth shut and move on...no, one of his publicists had this to say: "Mr. Jean is clearly unfamiliar with the physical demands put upon volunteers in Haiti. As aid workers there, the notion of depleting the body's immune system thru the use of illicit drugs is ludicrous. More specifically, J/P Haitian Relief Organization (a.k.a. JPHRO) has a ZERO tolerance policy for any and all illegal drugs. As the leader of this organization, Sean Penn has not only set this policy, but adheres to it. That Mr. Jean would make such a false accusation is reckless and saddening, but not surprising."  Oh snap, he done got told.  I love how professional this sounds when Sean is a guy known for punching cameramen.  Also that part about depleting the body's immune system had me laughing.  Sean not only wants to deny the allegations but he also wants to do a public service announcement as to what drugs will do to a person.  I bet neither Sean nor Wyclef do drugs but their actions seem like they do.
  
  Here's something for the ladies.  It's Taylor Hanson of the band, Hanson.  I heard some people commenting on this photo and that his bulge would make you MMM-Bop where it counts.  That song now has taken on a new meaning.  What the hell is up with his shirt?  Is Hanson trying to be the new Gallagher?  Speaking of whom, Gallagher is doing shows in Wisconsin for Harley gatherings.  If he smashes a watermelon on them, he's liable to get his head torn off and then smashed.  Make sure you bring a poncho.
  
  There are reports that the world's most famous karaoke singer, Susan Boyle, fled Los Angeles in tears because Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing his song "Perfect Day" for the finale of America's Got Talent.  Lou said he's not a fan so he's not going to let her sing it.  Now this is just as upsetting to some people if he threw puppies in a river or kicked a kitten or stole candy from a blind child or tied a woman to train tracks.   Something isn't right about this.  I bet she got confused.  She didn't want to sing Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" but she wanted to sing Hoku's song titled "Perfect Day".  I think what would make for a perfect day is if they just banned all reality shows and we wiped our memories clear of any performer on those shows and go back to the way things were with no reality shows except MTV's True Life because I love that show when they have topics that don't involve New Jersey.
  
  Ryan Phillippe turned 36 this week.  I have nothing else to say but sorry for that tattoo post.  So...yeah.
  
  Speaking of tattoos...Rihanna better hope that isn't liquor in her cup because it may lead her to get a stupid tattoo.  Oh wait...a gun on her thigh?  She'll regret that when she's 60 and it's somewhere on her knee or calf.
  
  Rich Cronin of the band LFO died this week at the age of 35.  A few years ago he was diagnosed with leukemia and his brother said that Rich suffered a stroke.  He will be missed.  I think to remember Rich and his contributions to the world of music, we should all don Ambercrombie and Fitch and rhyme random words because if we didn't then we'd all be nerds.  I can't believe that I just rhymed because I am not that primed.  Ugh...Rich will be missed and if you don't understand anything about this entry...watch this.
  
  Paris Hilton is a very talented lady and she is very deep.  A former assistant to Joe Francis says that when he was working for Joe and when Joe was dating Paris, they were in Europe and Paris wanted to get some illegal substances to sneak back into the U.S.  The assistant went out and found her a variety of drugs.  He put them in a cigarette box.  One of these and not a carton.  Paris then took the box and went to the bathroom.  She came out and said that they would never find them where she hid them.  She really is a black hole.  That reminds me of a joke. A guy hired a prostitute because she claimed to have the world's largest vagina.  He thought this was too good to be true.  She stripped and he decided to check it out.  He slipped in a finger and then his hole hand. The hooker said he could get more in so he slipped in his other hand.  Soon he found both his arms up to the elbows inside of her.  She then said that he could go deeper.  He gets his whole body inside her and while he's inside he bumps into someone.  After his shock settles he asks the other guy what they should do to get out.  The other guy says "As soon as I find my car keys, we're driving out of here."
  
  Pam Anderson is sponsoring a contest for a cell phone company where she will film a love scene with the "lucky" winner.  The guy who wins that contest better start getting all his shots and start receiving gamma radiation treatment on his penis.  I know they won't actually have sex but being anywhere near Pam Anderson in a bed is a good way to catch something. 
  
  Let's play a new game on Celebrity Round Up.  It's called "Who's Morrissey offending this week?"  He was being interviewed by a London newspaper because of his animal rights activism.  Here's some of his nuggets.  About the Chinese: "Did you see the thing on the news about their treatment of animals and animal welfare? Absolutely horrific. You can't help but feel that the Chinese are a subspecies." Today's pop stars: "They have two or three melodies and they repeat them ad nauseum over the course of 28 albums."  People: "They are problems."  His pets: "Yes. Cats. I've had lots of cats. But also many bereavements."  Loneliness: "We're all lonely, but I'd rather be lonely by myself than with a long list of duties and obligations. I think that's why people kill themselves, really. Or at least that's why they think, 'Thank heaven for death.' " As soon as the interview was posted activist groups branded him a racist.  Of course Morrissey fired back: "If anyone has seen the horrific and unwatchable footage of the Chinese cat and dog trade — animals skinned alive — then they could not possibly argue in favor of China as a caring nation. There are no animal protection laws in China and this results in the worst animal abuse and cruelty on the planet. It is indefensible."  I really don't think Morrissey is a racist because he seems to hate all people not named Morrissey.  I'm pretty sure if he could live on a deserted island all by himself with his cats then there would be a lot of people packing his bags.
  
  Miley Cyrus and Ashley Greene were filmed doing this in Paris.  I don't know what's going on entirely but they are wet and appear as if they are about to kiss.  Why are my pants getting tighter?
  
  Michaele Salahi of the Real House Wives of Washington D.C. announced this week that she would be doing Playboy.  She also said she wouldn't be doing that artsy-fartsy celebrity spread that most celebritars do where they cover up the naughty bits.  No, Michaele is going full-frontal nude.  Hmm the words "attention whore" come to mind.  In other news, the world's top scientists, engineers, programmers, and witch doctors are working on an updated version of Photoshop to handle Playboy's new demands.
  
  Mark Paul Gosselaar's wife of 13 years left him for Survivor host, Jeff Probst.  The only guy that Zack Morris should lose women to is A.C. Slater.  It just goes to show you that in Hollywood, if you're not in the spotlight, you're about as useless as a condom on Jersey Shore.  And this is just another reason why we need to get rid of reality TV.
  
  
  These are still shots from the new movie Machete that feature Lindsay Lohan "topless" the entire time.  I should have known they would do this.  They could easily said that Lindsay would be a bookcase for the entire movie because that is about a truthful as her being topless.  See, I have loneliness issues.
  
  People close to Lindsay Lohan are saying she is determined to have a baby.  They say Lindsay has said that a baby will make a perfect companion and help her get her life in order.  Lindsay's qualified to have hissy fits, seizures from drug abuse, and crushing debt but not a baby.  That would be the worst decision of all time.  Even worse than remaking Nightmare on Elm Street.  OK the worst decision of all time was letting Britney Spears have kids, this would be the second worst idea of all time.
  
  Pregnancy really suits Lily Allen.  She is radiant.  The only thing I don't like is her dress.  It looks like something people would try to sell at the U.S./Mexico border.  Let's hope that she didn't pay the price on the tag and that she was able to haggle them down.  More than likely, she didn't pay a dime.
  
  OH MY GAWD...LADY GAGA IS SO SHOCKING...yawn...She's trying to show off the old meat curtains but she's doing it wrong.  I hope she caught salmonella.
  
  Kim Kardashian says she feels guilty about posing nude for Playboy.  Let me get this straight.  She is guilty about posing in somewhat tasteful nude photos yet she feels no shame about selling a tape featuring her boyfriend at the time, Ray J, ejaculating all over her face and mouth.  I think Kim is trying to turn over a new leaf.  Her next step is to go out and get a purity ring for her clitoris.
  
  Kendra Wilkinson came out and said this week that Lawrence Fishburne needs to be supportive of his daughter Montana in her career choice to do porn movies.  I wonder why Kendra is saying these things.  I bet it has to do with her dad.  I wonder if he was supportive when she got implants, then posed nude, then dated and banged a 100 year old guy, and then released a sex tape from when she was 19.  Hmmm.
  
  I love Katy Perry's latex dresses...good gawd.
  
  People are claiming that the reason Kat Von D and Jesse James are together is because she is pregnant.  There are claims that she is sporting a baby bump...god I hate that term.  She is also telling anyone who'll listen that James is "the one".  So let's get this straight...a guy who's tabloid fodder, covered in tattoos, and more racist than Mel Gibson doesn't practice safe sex.  THE HELL YOU SAY!  I'm pretty sure this is what their baby will look like.
  
  Guess what?  Just when we thought Karissa Shannon only had one sex tape in Vivid Entertainment's possession, another one was given to them.  They already have tape which features her and Heidi Montag that Karissa claims Spencer stole.  The new tape features her and Smallville's Sam Jones III.  Hmm this is odd...Vivid already has one tape and just magically another one appears.  What a coincidence!  It doesn't sound planned at all.
  
  Jessica Simpson posted this photo on her Twitter with the comment: "I met a wonderful man and damn I'm lucky."  She's only considering herself lucky because she spotted some donut crumbs on his mouth.  Oh and Jessica was a judge on the Project Runway finale.  WTF?  Whenever I think of fashion and Jessica, I think of this.
  
  James Franco has a new movie coming out called 127 Hours.  It's about the guy who was trapped under the boulder who, in order to free himself, cut off his arm.  There is a scene in the movie where when he has nothing better to do, he jacks off.  When the real life guy was asked if he did that, he neither confirmed nor denied.  James Franco is no prude.  He said that there are days where he likes to stay in bed and fap 4 or 5 times.  So what does this teach us?  If we ever come in contact with James Franco, never shake his hand.
  
  Hugh Grant turned 50 this week.  There you go, ladies.  Actually you better not.  Even though he is so charming in all his movies, he has issues with cheating and buying hookers that may or may not have been men at one point in their life.
  
  Hey, Holly Madison looks pretty classy.  She's begun laser treatments to remove her Playboy bunny tramp stamp.  Her next move to be classy is to look for a membership at a country club where she can play topless golf.
  
  I don't watch The Tudors even though people suggest it because I am a history nerd and they always include episodes on my Dexter dvds.  Anyway, this is Henry Cavill.  He's on The Tudors.  I am still begging forgiveness for the tattoo post.
  
  Thanks for the public service announcement, Heidi.  It looks like Heidi is contemplating squeezing those double whammies.  I think if I was a woman and I had flesh melons that are bigger than Justin Bieber's head, I'd be squeezing them too.  Oh and just a reminder, Heidi had her implants taken down to a normal size.  I think she's a 38 DD now because that's normal.
  
  Denzel Washington had a $115,000 Range Rover delivered to his house because like most celebrities he can't 30 minutes out of his life to go to the actual dealership but they have to come to him.  I guess this is nothing new.  Roman Polanski used to have underage runaway girls delivered to his house.  And just recently Snookie had McDonald's delivered to her house.  No, not food from McDonald's but an actual McDonald's restaurant.  Business is booming.
  
  Danica McKellar gave birth to a baby boy this week.  I can't get used to calling her Danica.  She will always be Winnie Cooper to me and I sort of like to think that the father is Kevin Arnold but he's not.  The father is some other math geek.  They named their son Draco Verta.  That is some straight up Harry Potter shit.  I'm surprised they didn't change their surname to Malfoy.  They claim that they used a name from a constellation but that has to be a lie.  Can't they just admit to geekiness?  Hell I'd name a child after some of my favorite literary characters.  Narrator Tyler Durdin...yep that has a great ring to it.  Maybe I could go with Holden Mr. Toad.  See, this is why I should not be allowed to have children.
  
  This really isn't about Conan but I found this tweet to be incredibly funny.  That used futon ad would look like this: "18 year old futon for sale, covered or stained in the middle.  Will deliver to your home.  Cash only."  That takes on a whole new meaning.  If anyone wants an explanation, just ask.
  
  Hey, look at Christina Hendricks.  I haven't noticed this because I've been staring at her breasts all this time but she has no legs.  Either that or the photoshoppers were distracted by those glorious mountains of flesh.  In August 1939, Hitler spoke to his generals that his original plan for 1939 had to "... establish an acceptable relationship with Poland in order to fight against the West" but since the Poles would not co-operate in setting up an "acceptable relationship" (i.e. becoming a German satellite), he believed he had no choice other than wiping Poland off the map.  Oh wait...I was distracted.
  
  I think Chris Robinson is my new hero because he had the guts to say what I've been thinking and afraid to say for some time.  Chris had this to say about Taylor Swift: "I find it embarrassing that adults are like, 'Taylor Swift is very talented.' She's not. She might be cute, but she's horrible."  THANK YOU!  He went on to say this about other pop stars such as Miley, Rihanna, Lady Gaga, and Ke$ha: "They have stylists who dress them, they make records with producers who play a chord into the computer and it all comes out the same...When you have computers doing it all for you...there's no individuality. Singing isn't always about being on key; it's about emotionality."  You can't argue with this guy because he is spot-on and he happens to look like Jesus if Jesus were a hippie who sang for The Black Crows.  I guess I am harsh on Taylor.  She is only 20 years old and Kanye did a number on her to ruin her ego but her lyrics sound like they were taken out of a 6th graders Lisa Frank folder where she keeps all her secret poetry.  All Chris forgot to add was that Beyonce had one of the greatest videos of all time.   I think Chris Robinson and Morrissey need to collaborate.
  
  Ashlee Simpson took advantage of the free booze for celebrities at the U.S. Open and got drunk.  You know her dancing takes me back.  It takes me back to the days I was living in Minnesota and there would always be that group of drunk girls dancing with their arms in the air.  They would dance to Kid Rock or some random country song that I had no clue as to the singer.  And those girls would be dancing with their arms in the air while dirty truckers in smelly flannel throw peanut shells, spent pull tabs, and quarters at them.  I sometimes miss Minnesota.  Back to Ashlee...hey, sit down, you're at a tennis match, not a funeral.
  
  Here's a shot on the set of filming of that movie based on the board game Battleship.  That's Alexander Skarsgaard in the uniform.  So they really are going through with that wreck of a movie.  Ugh...board games.  I guess Battleship isn't as bad as the Candyland movie that is in the works. Anyway...ladies when you look at the photo, do you hear "Up Where We Belong"?  I only thought of that because my mom loved that movie.  For some reason she loves Richard Gere and she loved one of his recent movies, Hachi, and I will admit that I liked it as well.  I wonder if I should ruin her thoughts about him and tell her about the gerbils.
  
  Britney Spears is really trying hard to win the Worst Mom/Human in the World Award.  One of her former bodyguards is talking about his experiences as her employee.  He says she has no moral compass and is inept at life.  He says that she hits her children and not in a typical spanking fashion but slapping and striking.  One time she asked him for his belt and he gave it to her.  She then ran to the house screaming her children's names and then the bodyguard saw her hit the children with the belt. The bodyguard also says that she would have vigorous sex with her children in the room and she would summon people into her bedroom and ask to have her children come in the room while she was engaged in sexual relations.  He also talks about how Britney would feed her children crab meat and they are allergic to seafood.  The bodyguard saw that the children were having a reaction and were swelling up.  He suggested that they seek medical attention and Britney replied, "Mind your own fucking business."  I bet 30 years from now there will be an updated Mommie Dearest movie and it will be about Britney.  The reason why this bodyguard is divulging is because he is suing Britney for sexual harassment.  He claims that she would summon him to her room and she would be standing in lingerie.  He would remain silent and then Britney would expose herself...Dear Penthouse Letters...honestly, that's probably just my epic dry spell talking.  Another time he says she summoned him to her room where she was exposing herself and when he didn't make an advance, she the got up and asked him to bring her 7-Up.  Yep, 7-Up is WAY better than sex.  Remember that Britney still has no control on her life.  Her dad is still in charge of everything because a judge ruled that Jamie Spears is more responsible managing Britney's life than Britney is.  Why is Britney allowed to interact with actual human beings?

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I bought a Koran yesterday.  The guy at the counter gave me an odd luck.  Apparently guys who haven't shaved in a couple of days, wear Dukes of Hazard t-shirts, and sport a FDNY baseball hat look like they might be the type of person that would burn a Koran.

  • 2:44 PM
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