September 15, 2010
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Motivation
THIS POST CONTAINS IMAGES THAT ARE NOT SAFE FOR WORKThere's your warning.
So the primary results are in for Wisconsin. It will be the guy who claims he takes a brown paper bag lunch to work every day and promotes fiscal responsibility that while campaigning racked up a $500 restaurant bill for just him and his wife against the guy who got his ass kicked by a mugger. In my congressional district it will be two guys that attend the same Lutheran church in La Crosse running against each other. One recently used campaign money to pay back the city of La Crosse because they put in new lights in his baseball stadium and whose wife was fired from her job for stealing prescription pills and the guy other has the greatest name in all of politics...Kind. I voted...I don't know why. I voted for a candidate that held illegal campaign rallies out of state at my college.
Sex advice: If you want to get your partner to try anal, sing to them. You sing "A Whole New World" from the movie Aladdin. Trust me, I'm celibate. People, chlamydia is not classy even if it is technically post-coitus applause...the clap? If your wife begs you for expensive jewelery and says, "Every kiss begins with a K." You remind her that so does every knuckle. Ladies, saying "I'm late" is translated as "I think we should see other people" in man language. Stay away from girls who call themselves maneaters, you may catch a tooth in the junk. Are vegans allowed to swallow? Sex with me is like a roller coaster, not because of the ups and downs but because you will have to vomit after we're finished.
You know, when I come across someone that actually does the sound "hee hee hee" when they laugh, I fear that I will be raped and/or murdered. Oh and I've watched so many episodes of Law and Order: SVU that I think I would make a helluva lawyer or a murderer.
Dear Facebook, just wait for the day that your completely abandoned. Yours truly, Myspace.
I was working out at the gym the other day and guess who should hop in the shower next to me? It was none other than Tom Jones. Now, there have been many rumors about the size of this guy's penis and that it was abnormally large. Let's just say, it's not unusual. That's for my mom. You're welcome. Don't you think it's time to get over your unhealthy obsession with Tom Jones? Just because him and dad used to run cocaine in the Caribbean doesn't mean he's still in his prime. Oh and I suppose you loved all those times when those two held all you can eat seafood buffets at gunpoint until they had their fill of scallops...ooops, I shouldn't air my family's dirty laundry. Just disregard all of this.
I had a joke about abortion clinics and the music they play inside but even I thought it was distasteful so you know it was good. If you have any ideas of songs they play at abortion clinics...leave me a comment.
The quickest way to look and feel thin is to befriend a lot of fat people. I made a lot of people feel thin throughout my life.
Reggie Bush forfeited the Heisman trophy but he kept a trophy that is much more impressive, Kim Kardashian's thong.
And now...your weekly dose of motivation:
I always thought MNF stood for Monday Night Football. It actually stands for Men Neglect Females.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but your hate posts on Xanga really test my insecurity issues.
Super Mario Brothers have been around for 25 years and they're still doing shrooms.
I find it odd that I have to turn on my computer to have my computer turn me on.
I really need to stop sipping Tullamore Dew while writing these. I also think I should stop writing these in the manner that I do because Larry King's replacement has been chosen. Larry let me down once again. Good night.
Comments (55)
I didn't vote in the primaries; I'm not all up on my WI politics, and as far as I could tell, there was only 1 Libertarian running, anyway.
I'm a horrible person, I know.
@ZepBlueEyedGirl -
I think I only voted because I saw the sign at city hall. I went on the machine and looked at all the candidates and the only ones that could have been a tight race were in the race for the Republican nomination for governor. I also dislike how in the primaries you can only vote in one party.
I am laughing so hard, I scared my puppy!
Love the "sex advice"...I have a friend whose wife won't give him blow jobs...he told me if she would he'd buy her jewelry from Kay...so our joke was "Every blow job ends with K!" Also, love the Tom Jones paragraph! You slay me!
The spider one made me literally jump!
Oh god! I can't look at that again! And if I dream about spiders tonight, I'll be back in the morning to pinch you. BUT, if I dream about sex, I'll be back to thank you!
Love the cat poster!Made me snort laugh!
There is so much more could say, but I don't want my comments to be longer than your post!
Lmao at the sunscreen! bahahahaha!and wtf is that creature on the last one? :/
I saw Tom Jones in concert several years ago and I think when he did the encore half the pacemakers in the audience went on the fritz. He did a rockin' cover of Lenny Kravitz' "Are You Gonna Go My Way?" that made Lenny Kravitz' version sound like Morrisey. Love the post, as usual.
thanks for the hee hee hees.
Abortion clinic tunes - hmmm. How about Sinatra singing "My Way" followed by Nugent screaming out "Wango Tango?" Ooops, I should have them the other way around.
Typical, my brains aren't in full gear yet. I'll be back after I get my 5th coffee into me.
OMG that thing scared me! What the fuck is it???
@godfatherofgreenbay -
Yeah, I don't understand why WI works like that. Drives me nuts.
That one with the broken nose is pretty messed up, man.
Loved the one with the naked chick in the air. BLLRRRRRR!
I like this very much.
Brightened my day a bit. 
I love those freaking spiders. Trap door spiders rock. 
lmao! So many random thoughts in just one post! Love it.
Some of these are like.... really bad. As in, some of them I didn't think were funny.
On the other hand, you're still my go-to xangan for humor and a pick me up.
that 'friend zone' pic works for me
lol the awkward one and the camping one... funnyyyy!
I hate disney and musicals. So, sadly the song didn't have me convinced.
BUT the flying vagina was hilarious!
omg.. LOVE it. ALL of it. favorite? hee hee hee
Okay...I didn't dream about spiders or sex, I dreamt about babies. So, you won't be getting a pinch.
seriously, you frighten me. LOL your mind works in mysterious ways
I'm just lmao at this entire post...
I could tell you some songs that shouldn't be played at a abortion clinic for any reason whats so ever, lol there are a number of them..
Great motivations ones too
I really do like how your mind works
Until I read one of your comments I didn't realize that was a woman in the air. I though it was a guy. :-/
Loved the cat one. Did not know Glenn Beck had raped and murdered anyone. I did know he was a bad alcoholic though. Or had been...
Still so sorry I "yelled" in big letters at you for your previous "not safe for work" post. It really was my fault for not reading coherently. I'm blaming it on my eyes. If I can see a guy where a girl is then it's quite obvious that I also could skip over a not safe for work sentence.
@adamswomanlost -
That spider poster made me feel light headed when I first saw it but that was because I almost lost a leg from a spider bite.
Tom Jones is insane. All those stories about him and my dad robbing banks by night and directing high school bands and choirs by day...they were fueled by coke...oops more dirty laundry.
I am glad to have you back.
@ccRowp -
That is some sort of trap door spider. Creepy little animals.
Yeah that sunscreen one gets me every time.
@fargoneandout -
Thanks...yeah, I've heard Tom Jones concerts get pretty wild with all the ladies pacemakers going on the fritz as well as some of the hearing aids buzzing because they are turned too high or the batteries are dying. I can't believe I am going to admit this but I have the Pat Boone In a Metal Mood album.
@complicatedlight -
O...M...G...I am locked and loaded
@godfatherofgreenbay -
We get spiders here like tarantulas. I just avoid them. And since I don't know if the little spiders are safe or poisonous, I spray them all with hair spray and then stomp 'um. I'm scared to get bit.
Ha, I wish I could've been with your Dad and Tom Jones.
I should post my Tom Jones story some time.
Thank you. I'm glad that someone is glad I'm back.
@DickDoktorII -
The song I was thinking of was "Gone Daddy Gone" but last night I thought it was Baby instead of daddy.
Rock Your Body- Justin Timberlake
Losing My Religion- REM
Baby Come Back- Hall and Oates
Teenage Dream- Katy Perry
The Kids Aren't Alright- The Offspring
Highway to Hell- ACDC
Papa Don't Preach- Madonna
Mama Said Knock You Out- LL Cool J
the Happy Birthday song
@JUST_ME_1984 -
That is some sort of trap door spider. It freaked me out the first time I saw it.
@Unstoppable_Inner_Strength -
Yeah, I post some that are just wrong because...well they aren't all good. I know I have to censor some of the ones people send to me.
@PandaCobain -
I am glad you enjoyed. I have developed a fear of spiders after getting bit by one...not a trapdoor spider but something that almost killed me.
@nov_way -
I get so many random thoughts and I also save some of the things I think up during the week that I think are funny.
@quodmenutriut -
Yeah, I'm pretty much in a bad place in life but I'm surviving. Thanks, I am glad you found some stuff funny.
@wrybreadspread -
Yeah...that truth hurts so much.
@Peridot21 -
I think my neighbors heard me laugh when I first found that camping one.
@Angelina_Everlong -
I have seen other videos of nudist sky-divers. It's not very attractive.
@Drivestoofast -
I had a classmate in college that was from the same town where Ed Gein did all his shenanigans. He did the hee hee hee laugh and I've been worried about that ever since.
It's not unusual! HA! Your jokes were even funnier than the pix this week. Well done! I really enjoyed this!
@spititoutalready -
I think it's because I have went all these years with untreated ADD.
@godfatherofgreenbay - 'Nine vulvas in a shoe box'.. What an AWESOME name for a post/short story/CD.. regardless, I can't bring myself to even type 'hee hee hee.' So, I stick with 'heh.'
@CPKviperphoenix -
I wrote these songs in another comment:
The song I was thinking of was "Gone Daddy Gone" but last night I thought it was Baby instead of daddy.
Rock Your Body- Justin Timberlake
Losing My Religion- REM
Baby Come Back- Hall and Oates
Teenage Dream- Katy Perry
The Kids Aren't Alright- The Offspring
Highway to Hell- ACDC
Papa Don't Preach- Madonna
Mama Said Knock You Out- LL Cool J
the Happy Birthday song
I am glad you enjoyed.
@NightlyDreams -
yeah it is sort of hard to tell in a free fall.
The Glenn Beck thing is a hoax. It was started by a group that wanted to smear his credibility and satirize his way of making people answer all his questions. that joke of killing a girl in 1990 originated in a Comedy Central roast.
Well I wasn't making fun, I just wanted to make sure you didn't miss anything and have your family see what you were looking at.
@jacksoncroons -
Thank you so much...that means a lot.
@Drivestoofast -
Oh man...one of these days that will be the title of a post or "Bernice Worden's head in a burlap sack"
@godfatherofgreenbay -
You realize that's what PMs are for, right? We've even PM-ed and everything. Pssh. Talk to me. That's what I'm here for.
@godfatherofgreenbay - I kind of agree on some of Glenn Becks stuff. But it's a little extreme at times for even me. I don't like extreme things. Gives people less choices no matter what the decisions are about. But the world seems it's going crazy so I don't know. Maybe we need less choices to give us less head to do crazy stuff?
@godfatherofgreenbay - hahaaa i bet ...and they were prolly thinking "he's at it again!" =P
that spider is disgusting. : /
but i like the sunscreen.
@NightlyDreams -
To me all politicians have great things to say, it's just the follow through that I don't agree with, either they don't get it done or they go about it in wrong ways. I think we need to get rid of Republican and Democrat and start new parties because those two can't be the end all when it comes to political parties. Back in the beginning of America there were so many parties. I mean the Republican party has only been around for 150 years or so. The Democrats claim they have evolved from Thomas Jefferson's party which of course was at the beginning of the country. I jsut wish we had more choices.
@Peridot21 -
I think they have that reaction to a lot of things I do. Tehy know when I am depressed because they hear my guitar. They know when I'm happy because they hear me laugh. They know when I'm in love because oh wait that hasn't happened. I haven't seen them but they have left their lights on on their porch and garage. I think all their kids are visiting because he was the guy I mentioned in the pulse.
@darkarin88 -
I am glad people are reacting to that spider one. I was worried about the sunscreen poster. I was sure that would offend.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Well it looks like we have a Green Party and a Tea Party now. And the Independent Party too... I almost forgot them.
@NightlyDreams -
They aren't major parties and besides that, these tea party groups are basically Republican. Most of the tea party candidates run as republicans and not independents. I also think the Green Party is on life-support. Government needs more than just those two large parties.
@godfatherofgreenbay - I agree. I thought the Tea Party was their own party though. I wish we didn't have parties. Let everyone fend for themselves and see who gets elected and don't allow for people to promote. Make it somehow so the newspapers put the facts on the candidates (what theyve votd in the past and leave it at that).
First off, that flapping pussy in the wind business... seriously? You know, by the time she lands she wont have a pussy left. It will have dried out because of the high velocity air currents... and it will be so numb from the cold and the flapping... that it will act more like crinkly corn husk than vagina.
And whats this business about Glen Beck???
@theladyofabundance -
LOL...I once saw a video of why men should never sky dive naked. they just showed the guy flying past the cameraman and not the aftermath but I bet his thighs both front and back were very bruised.
Oh the thing about Glenn Beck is a hoax based on his line of questioning on his show. All his "But he never answered this question" topics. It's so annoying.
Comments are closed.