September 16, 2010

• Questions with the Godfather and his Cock 9/15

  After a long absence Cocky and I are back.  In case you don't remember, my cock is my pet rooster, Cocky McCockburns.  He's feisty and he's Scottish and he is ready to unload his wisdom all over the place.
  
  Me:  Cocky, how have you been.
  Cocky:  Pretty tired.
  Me:  How so?
  Cocky:  Well I haven't felt like getting up lately.  No matter how much you would push or pull on me, I just wanted to lay down and be lifeless.
  Me:  And now you are feeling better?
  Cocky:  Hell yeah, I am on some new medicine that has me darting up every morning without that lifeless feeling.
  Me: What's your medicine?
  Cocky:  Viagra.

  

  Me: Well, Cocky, are you ready?
  Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
  Me: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.

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  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I am a middle-aged woman who enjoys her B.O.B.! How often do you think is too often? And, as a cock, are you offended by my behavior?
                                            Carolyn in Cashton
  
  Me: I have often been under the assumption that there can never be too much of something but I think if you are changing batteries on a daily basis then maybe you need to put it down
  Cocky: Yeah and grab me.  I love being mouth hugged.
  Me: Cocky...what do you mean...hugged?
  Cocky: Hugged with a mouth but seriously in this economy we have to scrimp and save and if your battery operated boyfriend is going through more batteries then you can afford you better hang it up.  When I was in my state of not being able to get up in the morning, the henhouse had an extremely large number of cucumbers and carrots sitting outside.  And if you have any enemies, make them a salad.  By the way, I take no offense as long as I get some mouth hugs.
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I am trying to get into a new style of food and I am currently viewing Mexican cuisine as what I want to cook.  How can I make a killer burrito and look hot while doing it?
                                           Chef in Shelby
  
  Me: I usually like my burritos with black beans and cilantro as well as hot sauce and sour cream.  I need some dairy because I am from the Dairy State.  And to look hot, you can never go wrong with lingerie.
  Cocky:  As long as you don't make them with chicken then that is hot to me.  Habeneros would make them muy caliente!  To make it a complete meal you should wear edible underwear.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I am a 28 year-old single professional woman with a successful career and I am financially well off.. I am also taking classes for a graduate degree. I love my career and I am a bookworm.  People assume that I have it all, and that I should be tremendously happy. In reality, I drive about 100-150 miles per day, have little free time, and am frequently so exhausted I just fall into bed at night. I have some casual friends I do things with, but I have no close friends.  I haven't dated in almost 3 years. I am considered attractive, but I don't normally spend a lot of time on my appearance.  How can I have it all yet have nothing? This isn't me, and I don't like my existence. It would be nice to just sit, talk, and laugh. When I do, it feels like I'm wasting time.  I feel like I'm 40.  Help!
                                            Has it all? in Hustisford
  Me: Let’s see:  you have a full time job, you are in grad school, part-time, you have a horrific amount of commuting and no life outside of work. You are exhausted, have no beloved, and have no close friends. You don’t even pamper yourself.  I cannot imagine why you think you have it all. It sounds like a difficult, exhausting and lonely life. This may be time for you to rethink your priorities and find the kind of work and community so you can just sit, talk, and laugh. Face the truth, decide what is really important and make it your life.
  Cocky: So you haven't dated in 3 years?  Hmmmm...I'll give you the Godfather's name and number because it has been about that long for him.
  Me: I was under a vow of celibacy.
  Cocky:  And that is why you have Viagra in your nightstand?
  Me: It's for my lungs.
  Cocky:  That's what they all say.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I really like this girl and I want her to like me.  People think I am pretty dumb and a goof but I really am smart.  I know this girl is interested in languages.  I am wondering which language I should learn so that I may impress her.
                                           Language Learner in Lodi
  Me: Well, first off I would say never do something like learning a language because it may impress a girl but you should do it to better yourself.  With that in my, I may suggest Latin because then the other Romantic languages would be easier to learn and no, I don't mean romance kiss kiss languages but languages derived from Latin, the language of the Romans.  If you can get an understanding of Latin then French, Italian, and Spanish will come easy for you.  But if you want to skip that and go to a hot language, I would suggest Italian.  I could tell you stories.
  Cocky:  Forget learning a language.  All you need to do to impress a girl with your tongue is to learn how to tie knots in cherry stems.  Do that on a first date and you're a shoe in for a second date and that is when you show her other tricks your tongue can do.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I am getting married next spring to a man with a ten-year-old daughter. Should she be in the wedding as a junior bridesmaid?
                                          Bride in Briggsville
  Me: I was always under the impression anyone the bride wanted could be in the wedding party, including future stepdaughters. If she is interested, it could be a nice touch for her that day. If she is not interested, I would not insist.
  Cocky: OK, lady, let me ask you this; do you know how many weddings the Godfather has been in?  Many.  Do you know how many bridesmaids he hooked up with?  None.  Yeah your daughter will be safe as long as you have the Godfather as a groomsman and me as the priest.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  My wife is prickly and angry most of the time. She takes her anger out on our seven-year-old daughter and me. We have not had a decent conversation in months; all the words between us are either about running the household or words of disagreement. My wife is under a lot of stress at work but I am so tired of her angry tirades I just want to leave.
                                          Scared in Scranton
  Me: Well your first responsibility is to protect your daughter, and leaving isn’t an option. No child should be the brunt of or witness to a parent’s ongoing anger. A very occasional blow up teaches children we all are human and make mistakes. Of course, then you show them how to use regret, sorrow, and humility to begin to repair the damage caused by the angry words.
  Cocky: Enroll your child in karate classes so that when your wife goes off your child can take her out.  But your kid throat punching your wife than you because if you did it you could get time in the slammer and you know why they call it the slammer.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Do you think you can "convert" my lesbian friend with your sex appeal?
                                            Conversion in  Courtland
  Me: Well why would one attempt to convert someone of who they are?
  Cocky: I think the only way I could convert someone is sending out photos of the godfather’s junk, which would convert all the straight ladies to lesbianism

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Recently I was making love to my girlfriend and she blurted out the name "Brett".  See she is a big fan of Brett Favre.  Now I am worried that while we make love she isn't into it with me but is fantasizing that I'm Brett Favre.  What should I do?
                                           Favre Hater in Fairchild
  Me: Some people will tell you that this is a common mistake people make during sex sessions and it doesn't have any significance but since you claim that your girlfriend is a huge fan of Favre, there could be some issues here.  You need to communicate with your girlfriend about how you are displeased with her calling out Brett's name.  But then there is the idea that she thinks you're a champion.  You do have the right to stop but remember that your girlfriend is not cheating but then I guess it would be more disturbing if she was drinking coffee with him.
  Cocky:  First and foremost you want to remember the first rule of sex and tattoos...no names.  If you don't use names then you can't say the wrong one.  If she screams out his name once again then you have every right to scream out someone's name.  Try Rihanna or Katy Perry or Gaga or hell really freak her out by screaming Godfather but if you want to get her off to places she's never been then scream Cocky.
  Me: Ugh...are you finished?
  Cocky:  Yes, I'm finished and will never write another name that she could scream out...wait...try Courtney or Betty or Veronica or Thelma or Louise or ummm....OK I'm finished, I have nothing more to give.
  Me: Are you certain that you will not give any more names that he could scream?
  Cocky: There is not a single name I could name, I have nothing left in the bank.  Wait...Marie or Deborah or Elaine or Christine or or or or...I have no more to give.
  Me: This will be the last time I ask, are you finished?
  Cocky:  Yes, I think I am going to go play with some high schoolers and teach them to secrets to being as successful as I am...stop...Rachel or Monica or Phoebe or Jill or Claretha or Miss Ella or Janeane or Madea or Lucy Liu or or or ummm that's it, I'm done.
  Me: OK I'm not even going to ask you if you are done this time.
  Cocky: That's good because I am completely finished...oh, Carrie or Lisa or Olivia or...that's all the names the old name-slinger has left in him.  I leave you one other idea.  The next time you are making love and she screams Brett's name, then you pull out and either put it in her no-no hole or mouth and say that that specific orifice has intercepted your dick.  Either that or have another girl in the room to say she intercepted your dick.

  Disclaimer: I plan on time-stamping this piece and if you don't like time-stamping please don't tell me to quit xanga on my blog.  It's time-stamping.  Please, don't be like some mental deficient bloggers out there by reporting me to xanga for harassment because I time-stamped and you can't wrap your small mind around that.  Just block me and unsubscribe like a normal person.  Dang, I shouldn't have written this, Prince Zuko and the vegetarian vampires may attack me.
  

  
  

  If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.  Please email me so I can keep being proactive on this totally outrageous paradigm.
  

  • 12:01 PM
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