September 22, 2010

• Motivation

  I took my cats to the vet today to have a monthly check up and have their claws trimmed.  I just can't bring myself to have them de-clawed.  I think it is inhumane but anyway, my poor cat.  When the vet gently grabbed her paws, the cat would look up into my face as if to ask, "Why are you letting her do this to me?"  I would have answered, "Because when you crawl on me at night, you like to knead your paws into my body and your claws go through the blanket, sheet, and my shirt so you are poking me and these pokes draw blood so I wake up in the morning with spots of blood all over my shirt...that's why."

  I ate supper with my parents tonight.  That was a joy.  My dad is smoking again but he hides it.  We can tell because his breathing is so bad and he isn't smart to dispose of butts.  My mom is staring at him as he eats and asks, "Why are you breathing so hard and grunting?"  My dad says, "Oh my joints ache." My mom then says, "Well it sounds like you are having s-e-x."  Yes, my parents still spell words around me because they either think I am still a child or am a complete and utter moron.

  I think my Xanga was hacked.  I don't recommend pornography unless "recommend" means "obsessively watch".

  I once had a friend that said he went to funerals to find grieving women.  He said the greatest gift a guy could give a woman at a funeral was mourning wood. 

  The rappers often say, "You can't turn a ho into a housewife".  I think that's true but with the right kind of drugs you can definitely turn a housewife into a ho.

  There is a time and place for romance so be sure to light some candles and bring home some flowers when you ask your girlfriend if her best friend can join in on sexy times.  Men, the best strips are like the best whiskey drink, mixed up with coke.  Ladies, are you having a tough time paying your bills?  Well then I am sure there is a group of Bills who would appreciate you dancing for them.  Ladies, you can tell me are lying based on whether or not you've had sex with them.  If, yes, then they are lying.  Ladies, men only have two emotions: hungry and horny.  If you see a man without an erection, you better make him a sandwich.  I think I am going to start calling my penis "Ouija Board" because it's made of wood and women are afraid to touch it. 

  I wonder if I wrote this in an English accent, would people take me seriously.

  I wish I still lived in Minnesota because this winter I could look forward to Brad Childress delivering my pizza.

  Here's your weekly dose of motivation:
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  I wonder if they have musical theater productions in heaven.  If they do I bet they do "The Wizard of Oz" all the time and Kurt Cobain always gets cast as the Scarecrow because he doesn't have a...oh wait...nevermind.
  

  For Badger football fans, watch Coach Bielema on Saturday to see if he walks with a limp.  He dropped a keg on his foot this weekend.

  My doctor told me I'm at the perfect weight but that I am two feet short.

  A woman approached me at the ATM and she asked if I knew how to check her balance.  I pushed her down.  It wasn't working.

  I'm so glad summer's coming to an end because that means only 2 more months of house arrest.  I was surfing through some Wisconsin schools and found this professor.  It's legit.  I think I am going to be taking her classes this next semester.

  I keep seeing all these commercials for the Facebook movie.  All I can say is that they can really make a bad movie with little to no reality look pretty good.  Oh and they use a choir version of Radiohead's "Creep".  That's a nice touch.  So when are we going to get a Xanga movie?  Oh I bet I'll contribute to it but I won't see any of the profits.

  • 1:13 PM
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