September 30, 2010
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Questions with the Godfather and his Cock 9/29
It's that time of the week again and yours truly and his cock are ready to dispense answers to your questions. I am happy to see that after last week's alienation of my female fans, I seem to have their approval of my last post.
Me: Cocky, what did you think of my last post?
Cocky: Well it was OK.
Me: Just OK?
Cocky: It wasn't like you were strutting around displaying your tail feathers.
Me: Well I don't have any tail feathers to display.
Cocky: That's right the doctors removed those when you were born
Me: It's time to hear from our sponsor.
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Me: Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Yeah, I'm cocked, locked, and ready to dispense my knowledge amongst other things.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
My two great passions in life are art and science. These are supposedly very divergent fields of human endeavor, but I personally do not think so; I think they are quite complimentary. And yet, the kind of people who gravitate towards these two areas tend to be completely at odds with each other. Now, I have dated an atheistic intellectual as well as a free spirited artistic type and both seemed doomed by design. What kind of "type" might a person like me be searching for, if any?
Dateless in DeSoto
Me: Depending on how passionate you are towards either medium as well as the person you are dating will determine your compatibility. Now, when you say doomed, I take it that either you or that person have let the polarizing differences take over your relationship. It's important to hold onto your beliefs and passions but be able to understand that differences are to be expected in a relationship. As long as you enjoy each other on other levels and are friends first, it doesn't matter what type you find because love truly does end up conquering all.
Cocky: I'm glad you touched on an important danger that will consume the world soon. Artists and Scientists are at odds with each other and a war is looming on the horizon. Beakers will be thrown, canvases flung... the bloodshed and carnage will be overwhelming. All that will be left will be us fowl to peck at the remaining bodies for sustenance as... *ahem.* I say date a Day dancing stripper. They are needy for attention and tend to try anything once.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Are you single? Because I think I love you. I know, that's so wrong, but love conquers all, no?
Curious in Cashton
Me: Love does conquer all except stage four cooties.
Cocky: I tend to make a lot of noise in the morning, that's not an issue is it? If not, I should have my own facebook page soon, so.. you know.. you got a car? I don't. Uh... we'll talk more later.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Why do you need a cock to help you out? Are you always going to call this column Questions with the Godfather and his Cock?
Stupid in Sparta
Me: What guy doesn't need a cock to help him out of a tough situation? I did alter the title a little bit because we don't dispense just advice. I answer questions of all sorts. What name would you have us go by? I mean, Hall and Oates is already taken.
Cocky: How about we start going by Cocky and Tubbs as a tribute to Miami Vice? I mean the Godfather is a tub of lard so his name is fitting.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Guitar Lover in Galesville
Me: NO! These questions are just getting worse and worse. I think it’s time to close down the formspring.
Cocky: NO! Don’t close it. I have a feeling this question could make us money. We could become a new act like Weird Al but our songs would be dirty. The song that comes to mind…”While My Guitar Gently Skeets”
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Star Wars Lover in Star Prairie
Me: I think over time episodes 1 through 3 have grown on me and I can fully appreciate them. So like George Lucas, I totally stand behind them.
Cocky: How fitting! You and George Lucas are so fat that you both stand behind everything
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I was recently pulled over by the police and I had an open can of Foster’s in my hand. What should I have said to get out of any fine?
Pulled Over in Potosi
Me: Well I can’t help you since I do not believe in drinking and driving. You are putting your life at risk as well as the lives of every other motorist on the road and I forget about pedestrians and home owners.
Cocky: Pussy. If the cop asks you questions just say you contribute to DARE. That got the godfather out of a few tickets. If that doesn’t work you look in that cop’s face and say “My speech isn't slurred, I'm just speaking cursive."
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Meanie in Merrimac
Me: Well I think that because it was a song there is no Leroy Brown but for the sake of argument, yes, he was the meanest in the whole damn town.
Cocky: No, he wasn’t. There was a rooster that I heard of down on the south side of Arcadia that survived the slaughterhouse numerous times. He killed numerous workers that tried to kill him. One time they decided to fry him alive but all the oil didn’t phase him any and he jumped up and pecked out the eyes of all the factory workers. Yeah, the dude was a badass. I think his name was Hahn von Huhngeschlecht. I saw him a few weeks ago. He had on an old German army helmet and was wearing a monocle in the eye that he lost in a fight with Shaquille O’Neal.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Implants in Ironton
Me: There is no way you could go about doing that without hurting her feelings. You should love your girlfriend for who she is and accept everything about her.
Cocky: Don’t listen to the hippy. What you do is this: pour maple syrup all over her breasts and when she asks why, you say you thought you were eating pancakes.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I have a friend that has a blog entirely devoted to her vag!na and I really want to ask her out, but because of this blog I am unsure. I also have a had time saying the word vag!na or the variations there of. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of feelings for them, first is sheer adoration. Like most guys, from emerging from one at a fairly early age I've spent a great deal of time and effort trying to become re-acquainted with them - not the original. Do you guys have any thoughts?
Ham Wallet Lover in Hennepin
Me: I hope you know that your feelings for that part of the anatomy are normal and healthy for a straight male. Make sure your time and effort are spent romancing the lady attached to said hoo-ha so you have a better shot at going forward with your desires.
Cocky: I understand the need to censor yourself when it comes to the vag*na. That is why I always use the good old standard "meat canoe." I recommend to slyly approach that lovely lady you see and introduce yourself politely, followed with the phrase, "Do you have a mirror in your pocket?" If she has already heard that one and answers for you with "Cause you can see yourself in my pants?" Be sure to quickly retort: "No, cause I heard you are doomed if you look at Medusa directly so I want to be ready when I meet your mom." High five the bartender then go home, but not before you stop at the naughty store and pick up some Asian cheerleader porn.OK, I plan on timestamping this. I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU! I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.
If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring. Please email me so I can keep being proactive on this totally outrageous paradigm.
Comments (44)
Leroy Brown was indeed the baddest in town.
Hey, Cocky! I just love it when you get mouthy! You crack me up big time! If you ever wanna' ditch The Godfather, I'd take you in.
Hey, GF! Wow, you got some good questions this time around! But, I gotta' say...Cocky's answers are always waaaay better than yours. Sorry.
Lmao!
The author of the guitar sex question should Google this one episode of the Mighty Boosh, the one that features the Betamax bandit, it's called 'the priest and the beast'. And I realize I just referenced a really obscure British TV show and no one will understand half of what I just said but I promise it is funny (and that episode is not even their best work).
Solid advice all around, keep the columns coming, I love it!
Haha!! Some of these questions are HILARIOUS! I have to say though, as funny as cocky's answers can be..I have to side with Godfather's answers. =)
wait, whaaaat? there was alienation going on? why? man, i guess i've missed something yet again... (i've had a headach for like the past week... i'm one of those 'headache people', i get them sometimes... but i'm starting to think it's uhhhh messin' with muh smartz!)
wow somehow i always missed that you were getting your questions from formspring. i guess i always thought they were made up. lol
"Cause you can see yourself in my pants?" hahahaha excellent!
@TheSecretLifeOfPandas -
I hear he was badder than an old King Kong and meaner than a junkyard dog
You and Cocky must be becoming famous, known around the globe. Only people from Australia would drive around with a Fosters Lager I'm sure. That's a damned good beer too, had an original "stubby" once years ago when my friend brought some back from Melbourne.
Damn, I'm out of beer and could use a couple of "pancakes" myself.
Looks like I'm going to have to hypnotize myself - make myself think I'm back in jail so my pancake urges cool off.
Cocky, your answers are the stuff of comic and libidinous genius! tell me, though, just why do you keep the other guy around?
@TheSecretLifeOfPandas -
Hopefully that isn't the Leroy Brown on that TBS show because he's most definitely not a badass.
@adamswomanlost -
You like it when I get mouthy, huh? Well I love it even more when the ladies get mouthy with me but their mouths are shut.
@carolinavenger -
Glad you enjoyed and yes, I've seen an episode of Mighty Boosh or three. I just have to go and remind myself which episode you are talking about.
@tequilasunrise924 -
Please don't make the Godfather feel any more important. He struts around here like he owns the joint. I rule this roost.
@Peridot21 -
Cocky wants me to say something regarding headaches that I can't. The issue was from some readers over on the facebook that didn't like some of my jokes about Michael J. Fox. I started writing this after that whole controversy and I forgot to change it. Sorry. Did you watch Remember the Titans yet? It sounds like Titanic so you may enjoy it. Oh and I have sad Titanic news for the round-up.
@NightlyDreams -
Well I get questions from a variety of sources when the formspring box is empty. I used to steal them and I will admit it freely from a person on Xanga that fancied herself a sex advice blogger despite never answering questions. She would post a question and let readers answer it. So lazy.
@ccRowp -
Use it and let me know how it works.
@bosefius -
I also heard he drives a custom Continental and an Eldorado too.
@DickDoktorII -
Believe it or not, Fosters is popular in this area. They always carry it at the local stores that sell beer. I've seen more Fosters cans in my yard than any other beer. Yes, I get empties tossed in my yard because people park up on my street because it's away from the bars and they walk off liquor or finish the last beer on the way to their car. Also it's one of the only streets in town that has no parking fines for overnight parking.
Beer and pancakes...that is a hell of a pair.
@MelFamy -
I lost my driver's license. All these damn bleeding hearts want to make the highways safe which means that non-humans can no longer have driver's licenses or credit cards.
A rooster badder than leroy brown? Was he also meaner than a junk yard dog?
i shall read these later. but i'm gonna sub and friend you for now. i've been meaning to. now's the time.
hugs
So who's the wingman in this dynamic duo? I'm thinking cocky draws all the chicks, while you entertain the girls with the nice personalities. The girls go wild for the dirty birds, don't they?
@godfatherofgreenbay -
well that could be any number of xangans...there's a lot of sex advice blogs.
Hm. Can I suck on you? Just you, not cocky.
@ItIsAllGravy -
Usually I've found that junkyard dogs' have a stronger bark than bite so Hahn von Huhngeschlecht was meaner. He gave no warning as to when he would attack.
@hilaw -
Thanks...glad to have you.
@klberry514 -
Cocky gets all the chicks because of his dirty mouth. Cocky always gets the girls...always...sigh
@NightlyDreams -
Exactly...I try to stay out of the drama but this one...ok drama free.
@re_pose -
Mouth hugs?
@godfatherofgreenbay - heh does he now? that's weird, cause there's something i was gonna tell him too, but i can't either *adjusts her halo* =P ...and, ohhhh, more drama on the facebook for you ...why you put yourself through that, i'll never know lol ...nope, haven't watched The Replacements yet (as you know) ...and, ohhhh noooo, sad Titanic news? wait, is it about the new reason why it sunk that they've been talking about on the news?
@Peridot21 -
No the news is about a person in the movie. I wasn't going to mention it but then I remembered you were a fan and also it helps prove one of my theories. I have heard about the new theory as to why Titanic went down. I never knew boats operated like that. I probably would have crashed because it seems logical to go left when you want to go left. Oh and have you seen that there's a Titanic 2 out?
I really have no clue why I put myself through that drama. I guess that is why I tend to stay out of it when I am here. I get enough over there. I made a comment how I was shocked to see two guest stars in tv shows this week...Flo the insurance lady was on House and Stephen King was on Sons of Anarchy. A person commented that they saw me on a show on the Discovery Health channel. It was called Strange Sex.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Titanic 2... wait, what?? =P
@Peridot21 -
Yeah, this is what the wikipedia says on the matter. It's sort of creepy that they called it Titanic II even though it has nothing to do with the Cameron's Titanic.
@godfatherofgreenbay - good gawwwd ...who, in their right mind, would EVER get on a ship called Titanic II?? ...or is that my paranoia showing? =/ ...srsly tho...
@Peridot21 -
See that is a testament to name association. When I was growing up I knew a few old timers that had the name Adolf. They were born before Hitler and I guess it was a common name since off the top of my head I can think of 5 guys with that name. Now, what parent in their right mind would name a kid Adolf or how about Judas? Then I remember how when the Incredible Hulk was a TV show, the producers wanted to change the name of the main character because they thought Bruce was a name for gays so that is why in the comic he was Bruce Banner and in the TV show he was David Banner.
@godfatherofgreenbay - exactly! (course along with my paranoia is a little 'stition, so there's just no way... ) anyway, you make a very good point, and coincidentally, this morning while i was getting ready, i had the tv on, on TBS, and a re-run of Cheers was on... it was the one where Carla's mother wants her to change her son's name to Benito Mussolini and Carla freaks out, so there's another testament.
...i didn't know that about The Hulk, that's interesting... and, oddly enough, Bruce Banner sounds better to me, go figure...
@Peridot21 -
And who can forget Joel Rifkin?
You must watch that TBS 2 or Cheers is on when I don't watch TBS. It seems like all they air on my TBS is Fresh Prince, Tyler Perry, According to Jim, The Office, and King of Queens.
@godfatherofgreenbay - lol oh yeahhhh, Joel Rifkin... and then when they're at the Giants game, and his name is called out over the PA system and LT looks up =D ...hmmm i guess it must have been the TBS2 station then... it's good, cause after the Cheers re-runs, they air Frasier re-runs (it's not my fav but it's better than news, most of the time)... i don't think they air Fresh Prince here, i've never seen it anyway...
@Peridot21 -
During the summer when I had nothing better to do and the heat was bad, I would have on TBS because of all the re-runs. I think the day started with like 5 Saved by the Bell episodes then or 3 Fresh Prince episodes then Tyler Perry then all sorts of Home Improvement followed by one of my favorites that I think they finally took out of syndication, Yes Dear. Oh and of course Everybody but me Loves Raymond and According to Jim. I really do like TBS because during the day I think it has the best programming plus a lot of those shows I didn't get to see because I was not at home during high school and I had study hall during high school.
@godfatherofgreenbay - yeah, i know what you mean... a lot of those shows i never watched until they were re-runs too... oh, and you can add one more person to the doesn't love Raymond list, that person would be me... gawd the wife gets on my nerves so bad, what wife acts like that?? ...i vaguely remember Yes, Dear ...was that the one with Jack Klugman and John Stamos?
@Peridot21 -
I can honestly say I had never seen an episode of King of Queens until TBS started airing it. Also, I never saw Two and a Half Men until one of my local channels started airing it...oh and The New Adventures of Old Christine and Bernie Mac and Malcolm in the Middle...there are so many.
Oh I am so glad someone else said that about Ray's wife. I can't stand her. It's no wonder the mother acts the way she does. If I had a wife like Deborah, I'd be thankful, but then I would probably be in therapy. I also fear that my mom will be just like the mother on that show.
No, those two guys weren't on Yes Dear. The only person on that show that I've seen in other stuff is Mike O'Malley. He plays a cop on My Name is Earl and he was a host of all these Nickelodeon game shows back in the day when he had hair. Oh and Bill Murray's brother, Brian, was a regular on the show. Oh and there's a guy from this new show on CBS called Mike&Molly that was on Yes, Dear.
@godfatherofgreenbay - ohhh ok... ya know what show i was thinking of? i was thinking of You Again (which i've never even watched, actually) ...see how they both have two word titles with the first word beginning with Y? ...yeah, that's how (weird) my mind works ha...
@Peridot21 -
yesterday I discovered a show I used to record that was in syndication, it was called Still Standing. I loved it. The strange thing about it was it was set in Chicago. I can't find it now but there was this awesome website that showed where TV shows were set on a map. All I can find is this list.
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