October 2, 2010

  • Celebrity Round Up 1/10/10

    Xanga...happy birthday and shit, it's great to see you got your act together.  Keep it up, you got it?  You know why I love Wisconsin?  Every Friday night, every single restaurant, bar, eating establishment has a fish fry.  I love it.  Last night I dined at a little establishment in my sleepy town.  All you can eat fish for $9 plus salad bar...it was such a great deal and it was dinner and a show because while I was eating I saw a guy and a girl get into a fistfight at the bar.  FUN TIMES!  Well I wanted to do this last night but Xanga was acting like Larry Sellers.  Remember some images may be NSFW or NSFL.


    Tiger Woods was watching Katherine Jenkins perform at the festivities for the Ryder Cup.  You may think he's staring at her ass.  Well he is but it's not in a lustful manner.  Katherine's dress was horribly wrinkled and Tiger couldn't take his eyes off.  He decided to tell her that the dress was wrinkled over drinks in his hotel room.

    A club promoter in Miami is tell people that she had a one night stand with The Situation of Jersey Shore.  She said that she couldn't technically call it a one night stand since it only lasted five minutes.  She also claims when he took his pants off all she could think of was her pinky finger.  So maybe all the work on his abs is compensating.  Also if Vinny on the Jersey Shore is called "watermelon dick" does this mean that The Situation is "watermelon seed dick"?

    MTV has decided to spread Jersey Shore around the globe much like the cast members spread their social diseases around the world.  MTV is planning to air episodes of Jersey Shore in Japan.  The problem is the Japanese don't know what Jersey is so they are planning to rename the series for Japan.  I hope they call it Kamikaze Barf or Syphilis Shore.  Actually the English translation of what MTV is calling Jersey Shore over there is: MTV Presents Jersey Shore, the New Jersey Life of Macaroni Rascals.  Macaroni Rascals...I'd watch that mess if that's what it was called here.  Apparently the word in Japanese is an r-rated word.  Also someone at MTV claims that the term "macaroni rascals" appears in a Japanese translation of The Godfather.  Macaroni Rascals sounds like a gang that Chef Boyardee and Mario rolled in before they got set straight.  Let the guido-fication of Japan commence!

    Glorious news!  Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have called off their divorce and have reconciled!  See they have what it takes to make a fake Hollywood marriage last when most fake Hollywood marriages have the shelf life of an open can of tuna!  Oh you don't like this?  You just want to read my hate rants and porn?  Well nuts to you!  I want to celebrate true fake love.

    Russell Brand promoted his new book Booky Wook 2 by posting this photo on Twitter.  I bet he's suggesting we go out and buy his book.  Maybe he's subliminally telling us that his book is erotic literature.  So should I buy the book or gouge out my eyes?

    Bristol Palin is on Dancing with the Stars and basically she's only famous because her mom was selected to be a vice presidential candidate when her name was pulled out of a hat and also for being an unwed pregnant teen in a political party that promotes family values and abstinence.  Well she is apparently a great mother.  She pulled her 20 month old son out of Alaska so she could be on DWTS(not dancing with tartar sauce).  She hired a nanny to watch him while she prepares for the show and Tripp has started to call the nanny mommy.  The father, Playgirl model Levi Johnston, is livid because the nanny is claiming that Bristol barely spends an hour a day with her child.  Bristol answered her critics by saying, "I'm just like every other working mom: balancing work, raising my son and taking on a new, positive challenge."  But I thought single mothers were frowned upon in the Republican party?  Bristol Palin has also been promoting teen abstinence and teen pregnancy prevention which is sort of like Jeffery Dahmer being a spokesperson for veganism.  Oh well at least her kid is being raised by someone.  I suppose it could be worse like Britney Spears kids who were raised by a laser pointer for cats.

    Spoiler alert:  Michael Bolton was booted off Dancing with the Stars this week.  I don't watch that mess but for some reason my mom has to fill me in on everything and for some odd reason she thinks I like Michael Bolton.  Just because back in the early 90s I wore my hair like he did and I had Michael Bolton posters on my wall and every single album he released doesn't mean I like him now.  Anyway one of the judges, the creepy one Bruno, said some nasty things and that Bolton was the worst dancer in the history of the show.  Michael Bolton did what any adult would do and he demanded an apology.  This guy had number one hits on music charts, he banged Terri Hatcher in her prime, and he's banged Ashley Judd.  He gets made fun of for shitty dancing?  OH THE HUMANITY!

    Paris Hilton sued Hallmark for making this card.  Apparently it captures Paris' likeness. Hmm, I don't see crabs and the guy isn't itching his crotch because within 30 seconds after serving the food she had sex with him.  Paris says they stole her copyrighted catch phrase.  So let me get this correct...if I take a bite of food and say "That's hot" I'm breaking copyright laws?  Shit, I'm going to look into copyrighting my name so that every time someone says "godfather" "green" "bay" "Green Bay" "Matt" and "asshole" that I get paid.  Hallmark said that the phrase is fair use.  Ha!  Paris Hilton and fair use go together like vodka and hundreds of penises down her throat.  They settled out of court this week and Paris got paid.

    Paris Hilton's neighbors must love her.  She has 17 dogs, numerous cats and exotic birds.  This week when she wasn't valiantly fighting Hallmark for copyright infringement, she rescued 20 rabbits.  Hell, if Paris wanted to help a furry creature that does nothing but screw she should have saved time and got a prescription for Valtrex.

    Miley Cyrus turns 18 in a couple months.  The Dateline NBC decoy girls don't dress that provocatively.  I'm trying to think what her look should be called.  Lot Lizard Lounge wear or Skynyrd Dancin' gear?  Actually when Miley was wearing the black number she was spotted leaving a club named Voyeur.  Yep, the name says it all.  It is a club that is 21 and over and features art work depicting graphic sex acts and features dancers that perform S&M and bondage.  Hmmm...Miley is 17 as in years old.  She must have been given an underage drinking waiver.  They have those, right?

    This is Miley's future.  Lindsay Lohan is heading back to rehab and will stay in a facility until her next court hearing on October 22nd.  I guess she's heading to rehab again because the fifth time's the charm.  Also a newspaper released a photo of Lindsay shooting heroin this week.  I really hope she gets help because heroin...ever since I saw Trainspotting I knew it wasn't for me and who said you can't learn anything from movies.

    An associate thinks that Linday has multiple personalities.  It's hard pretending to be someone you're not.  Just ask Rock Hudson, John Travolta, or Kevin Spacey.  If it turns out that she has multiple personalities I bet it will be next to impossible to get work.  Lindsay better start practicing swallowing baseball bats because that's sadly where her career is headed.

    Due to legal problems and insurance concerns, a movie that was specifically written for Lindsay Lohan is not going to cast her.  Lindsay has been replaced by Taylor Swift.  How can you go from Lindsay Lohan to Taylor Swift?  I know a lot of you like Taylor but to me she always has this look about her that she has been spending her time staring at the sun.  Hell, I'd do her(now imagine me saying that as I scratch myself with one hand and drink from a can of PBR with the other).  Taylor looks pure and untouched like a box of condoms I bought a few years ago.

    Kellan Lutz was spotted playing basketball in front of his house this week.  Why am I posting this?  It's for my female readers because I love you.

    This week a report came out that said Justin Bieber made $300,000 per concert.  Weezer only makes $150,000 per show.  Something is wrong.  This is ridiculous for one night of work.  The only people that deserve to make $300,000 in one night are skanks getting hush money from Tiger Woods.  Oh and if you want to watch an effeminate male with long hair strut around like he has the biggest pair of balls in the world, watch the NFL particularly a guy named Tom Brady.  I would say Brett Favre but he doesn't meet the long hair criteria.

    They are already fighting on American Idol.  Ryan Seacrest apparently suggested to producers that they go with Jennifer Lopez as a judge.  She got the job and she's already acting like she's a bigger star than Seacrest.  Well she is and she shits turds bigger than Seacrest...oops I better leave the height jokes to Joel McHale.  Ryan has started to warn people that her ego will only get bigger.  Both of them need to get over themselves before I call up the producers and demand Ryan Dunkleman.  Who?  Watch the first season of American Idol.  Ryan Seacrest still can't believe he got his boyfriend a job and now he knows not to work with a significant other.

    Jenny McCarthy was recently on Oprah and she talked about the first time she posed for Playboy and that the people on set said Jenny was the hairiest model they had ever seen.  I don't know what to say about that.  I guess it's like those Almond Joy and Mound commercials.  Sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't.  I've seen some of those Jenny McCarthy pictorials and she didn't seem hairy so hopefully she donated her hair to Merkins of Hope.

    James Franco was talking about how he received a D in acting class at NYU but it was because he missed so much class.  I guess he mentioned this because his new film, 127 Hours, is getting his name mentioned for a potential Oscar nomination and he wanted to say, "Fuck you" to a professor that gave the star of Pineapple Express a D.

    Hayden Panettiere and her boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko celebrated Oktoberfest in style.  You know it looks like she was just handed to him by a nurse in the delivery room.  How does that work?  If they have sex, how is she able to walk?  Ich liebe Hayden. Sie ist sehr schön. Ich muss dieses auf Deutsch sagen, weil es Oktoberfest ist und ich wichtig scheinen möchte.  Heute Deutschland, morgen die Welt!

    Remember last summer when I talked about how celebrity deaths seem to fall in cycles of three?  Well this week was no exception.  Within 24 hours three celebs died.  Comedian Greg Giraldo accidentally overdosed on prescription pills and died at the age of 44.  I don't think it was a suicide because I can honestly see that happening.  I sometimes forget if I take pills and my mom always says that if I am unsure not to take a "just in case" dose.  When I first heard of his death, I asked why God could take this funny comedian and leave us Dane Cook.  Oh and I'm sure Greg would love this because if you ever watched a Comedy Central Roast, you've seen him.  I can't wait for the Comedy Central funeral.  If he is cremated will they call it a roast?  Rest in peace, Greg, you meant a lot to me.

    This is Gloria Stuart.  She hasn't been acting in recent years but she is probably known best for her role in Titanic.  She played old Rose.  She died this week at the age of 100.  I think we can finally forgive her for throwing that necklace back into the ocean.  Honestly the only other movies I've seen her in were Million Dollar Hotel and Gold Diggers of 1935.  You should watch Gold Diggers especially the seen when Dick Powell sings to Gloria Stuart.  He sings the classic "I'm Going Shopping with You" to her.  Classic.  Rest in peace, Gloria.

    Tony Curtis passed away this week at the age of 85.  This guy was in so many good movies...Spartacus...Some Like it Hot...The Defiant Ones...Operation Petticoat...The Outsider...He never won an Oscar but he was nominated several times.  He also gave us Jamie Lee Curtis.  Tony will be greatly missed.

    I think Glen Danzig violated one of the first laws of rock and roll.  He is wearing his own band's t-shirt.  I think that's worse than wearing a band shirt to a concert.  Also some people are saying how can this guy be a rock god when he's carrying kitty litter.  Well, it's not for cats.  It's to clean up the blood from his virgin sacrifice party.  You know, a rock legend has to maintain his cred some way.

    George Lopez's wife divorced him this week.  She filed after learning of his cheating ways.  I bet that really hurt his favorite executive producer, the only person in the world that gave his show a chance, Sandra Bullock.  She can't pick a faithful husbands or faithful employees.  George almost died a few years back because of bum kidneys and his wife donated one of hers.  Now, does she retain custody?

    Emma Watson is currently attending Brown and enjoying short shorts.  Why am I feeling so weird about finding her attractive?

    I've often heard that the funniest of comedians have trouble picking up women.  In other news Dane Cook has troubles picking up women.  Apparently people witnessed him going to a bar and trying to strike up conversations with women and he was repeatedly shot down.  One woman finally listened to him but eventually she got tired of him, rolled her eyes, and sarcastically said, "It's been great talking with you."  Then she left.  I think the story has to be made up by numerous witnesses because what woman in her right mind would talk to Dane Cook.  He's impossible to converse with.  It's like talking to that David after the Dentist kid but not nearly as entertaining.  Soon Dane will learn what life is like out of the spotlight and how he has to pick up women like a normal guy...by lying.  I wish he would just go away or maybe take lessons on how to be funny.

    This is Cynthia Nixon (eating) and Christine Marinoni.  Cynthia was in that Sex and the City mess.  You know when Xanga went down last night I had to resort to entertaining myself and this entertainment eventually became watching porn and of course there were lesbians in said porn.  Now, the porn industry glamorizes lesbians.  I'm sure when people masturbate to thoughts of lesbians this is what goes through their head.  Oh don't crucify me, I'm just jealous that someone could find true love and I sit alone on a Friday night watching porn.

    The last few weeks Courtney Love has been looking dare I say...good.  I think she is dabbling in black magic or voodoo to maintain those looks but Courtney claims that she has become a follower of Tony Robbins and she frequently chants.  She has said in the past that she doesn't want people to think she's on drugs.  If that's the case then she better quit mentioning she's a follower of Tony Robbins.

    This is a sneak peak of Chris Evans on the set of Captain America.  I don't think khaki chinos scream "Superhero" but I have a feeling a few of my readers will think that Chris Evans is screaming their name.

    I have been silent about Ashley Greene's acting abilities.  All I can really safely say is that she wears the hell out of that spandex.

    Beyonce announced this week that she is launching a line of designer temporary tattoos.  WHAT?  Does the world really need designer temporary tattoos?  I guess that is better than real tattoos and this way all the kiddies can get inked up without regret.  If you get these tattoos, you better not put water on it.  OK so maybe I'm a bit lame with a joke here but I am just gobsmacked about designer temporary tattoos.

    Bret Michaels introduced a new product to the computer world this week.  It's called Photoshop of Love.  Photoshop of Love will make ladies swoon over you and your non-existent abs.

    Video Section
    Katy Perry defied gravity on Saturday Night Live.  Take that Elmo!

    I hope everyone has a great weekend

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