October 6, 2010

  • Motivation

    I had this awesome post but my firefox crapped out and because Xanga is all shitty at the moment, I lost the whole post.  It was so fucking epic...well, as epic as I can make a post.

    There was big news today in my sleepy little town of 1,300.  First this little old insane lady plowed into a garbage truck.  One of the workers was standing on the back and he was hit. See this woman drives like a maniac.  Stop signs are merely suggestions or maybe she just knows which ones she has to stop at and which ones aren't binding.  I'll have to cover the difference in a latter post.  Anyway the guy that was hit had to be transported by helicopter to a trauma center.  Now the strange thing is, this all happened a block from my house.  I heard sirens when I was getting ready but thought nothing of it.  I figured they were just pulling people over for speeding near a bus stop.  Also there was a runaway Amish horse in town today.  The horse got spooked, broke free of the hitching post, smashed up the buggy, and came running through downtown.  The police had to block off traffic while the horse went running around.  Thankfully a different Amish family happened to be buggying by and calmed the horse down.  This is the second runaway horse in my town since I've moved back.  The other was a bit more severe.  It totaled a car and did thousands of dollars of damage to a building, broke a kid's arm, and then it ended up committing suicide by running head first into a light pole.  I don't blame the horse.  I'd rather be dead than Amish.  If I ever die tragically it will be an overdose and I'll probably OD on delicious enchiladas.

    So in recognition of the Facebook movie, the creators of Facebook are set to launch a new site for women only.  It will be called Cookbook.

    And Jay Cutler was just sacked by the N.Y. Giants.

    My relatives always put the FML in family.

    Sex Advice: First, don't take advice from me.  Girls, if you are sick of guys staring at your chest, eat a banana, ice cream cone, or hot dog.  If you show me a happy husband, I'll show you a wife with a tired jaw.  Guys, when you push your semen back into your penis, it's called "going".  Also if you are on a first date with a girl and are nervous, text her a photo of yourself naked to show her you mean business and never under any circumstances say, "My couch pulls out but I don't."  Ladies, October is national breast cancer awareness month so I'll let you know the number one cause of cancer are bras and shirts so you know what to do.  Also, a good way to tell if a guy wants sex is to check if he's breathing.  Guys, if you suffer from premature ejaculation just tell your partner that you're finishing up from the last time you had sex first.  Ladies, a lot of guys like to eat a sandwich after sex so if you are unsatisfied just name your lady parts "sandwich".  Oh and always use protection, when a person comes to your room for the first time make sure you tie them up with proper knots.  And remember autoerotic asphyxiation is OK but never INXS.

    What I love most about my exgirlfriend is that she's now someone else's problem.  But that is coming from a guy who thinks love is like the Easter Bunny.  You believe in it when you're young but when you get older you ask, "What the hell was I thinking?"

    There are only two things certain in life, death and plagiarism on Xanga.

    And now for your weekly dose of motivation:






    I took my girlfriend out to eat but she had to pay because I forgot my wallet.  This time I felt really bad because I didn't pretend to forget my wallet.

    Apparently the Vikings are working out a trade with the New England Patriots.  Randy Moss may be coming back to Minnesota to finish his career while Daunte Culpepper finishes his career managing the Dairy Queen in Janesville, Minnesota and while John Randle enjoys his retirement washing cars at a Chevy dealership in Belle Plaine, Minnesota.

    Little known fact about me...my ass looks better in a thong than Snooki's.

    Little known fact about me...I have a large seashell collection.  I keep them at beaches throughout the world.  Just go to your nearest beach and I bet you can find some of my collection

    Drugs and alcohol are never the answer unless the question is "What are your plans for the weekend?"

    I love the internet.  Don't bother telling me how sexist or evil this post was, I'm too busy living happily ever after.

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