October 7, 2010

• My Balls

  I thought since there is all this focus on breast cancer and female Xangans are posting photos of their breasts, I would take a second and post a photo of my balls.

  So here they are, my balls:

  

  Like I would really post a photo of my testicles here on Xanga.

  This is a story from a few years ago when I had a close call with what I thought was testicular cancer.  I felt a sharp pain in my groin and it went away so I thought nothing of it.  Anyway about two weekends later I was sitting around on a Friday night and I decided it was time for a self-examination of my testicles.  So maybe it wasn't really a self-exam but screw you for judging me.  It's not like you've never done that before.  OK I'm over it now.  I was "examining" and I found a lump on Ol' Lefty.  So I freaked out.  I was so scared.  Something like that isn't supposed to happen to a 25 year old guy (at the time).  I started worrying I would never have kids and I would lose my balls and women wouldn't want a guy who has no nuts and can't produce children.  I had visitors over that weekend and I think I was a little withdrawn from them.  I had a lot running through my mind.  I just couldn't talk about it.  Honestly, who goes up to their friends and says, "Hey, John, I have a lump on my testicle.  How about those Packers?"  I was thinking of going to the pastor for advice but how would I put it.  "Hey pastor, last night I was manipulating the ship's primary firing mechanism and I found a barnacle on the starboard side."  Yeah, like that would happen.  So I went to the doctor while I was at home visiting my family.  While my parents went to the grocery store I snuck out and went to the clinic.  I almost chickened out when I saw the receptionist.  This knock-out blonde...how am I going to tell her I have a lump on my balls?  Well, I told her that I had a skin condition that the doctor needed to check out.  The doctor saw me right away which was odd because usually a nurse pre-examines and a doctor just checks out.  He came in and I told him and he looked at it and said I had a cyst.  I was foolish and just felt the lump and didn't go further into my exam.  He said it wasn't cancer because it wasn't on the testicle.  Yes he pulled my satchel to show me.  He removed the cyst with a scalpel which was a little scary.  So he stitched me up with two stitches and everything was all swell.  He said that it was good that I examined myself and when I found something I went in.  The doctor also said and I quote "It takes a lot of balls to do what you did today." Apparently most guys just shrug it off and it's too late when they find it and they might have to lose Ol' Lefty or Righty.  He also said that I should try to look at this with humor.  Yeah, I thought I wouldn't ever have kids but now I am thinking that the swelling might attract the females.  Guys feel your balls.  It's a serious issue.  I didn't even have cancer and it scared me.   Girls stop thinking about balls and examine your breasts.  Early detection is the key.  Sorry not to just focus on my balls but I do support the fight against breast cancer.  Just remember the words of Tom Green, who lost his balls:
  

  Hey kids feel your balls
  So you don't get Cancer
  Hey kids feel your balls
  So you don't get cancer
  Feel your balls
  Squeeze your balls
  Tease your balls
  Please your balls
  Early detection is the key
  Rub your balls and you won't get cancer
  Hey kids feel your balls
  So you don't get Cancer
  Hey kids feel your balls
  You don't want cancer
  Rub your balls
  Squeeze your balls
  So you don't get cancer
  MASTURBATE EVERYDAY!
  Hey kids feel your balls
  So you don't get cancer
  Hey kids rub your balls
  So you don't get cancer
  RUB YOUR BALLS WHILE MASTURBATING!
  Hey kids rub your balls,
  While masturbating looking for lump
  If you find a lump
  Then go to the doctor
  And get your testicle removed
  RUB YOUR TESTICLES,
  WHILE MASTURBATING OR WHILE NOT MASTURBATING!
  Rub your balls for no reason
  Other then for checking for cancer
  Or rub your balls
  Specifically for the only reason of
  Checking for cancer
  Or rub your balls
  Only for pleasure
  Or for pleasure and
  For checking for cancer at the same time
  You can pleasure your balls
  And also check for cancer
  At the same time
  You can pleasure yourself
  And also check for cancer
  At the same time
  TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE!
  Pleasure your balls
  And check them for
  Cancer at the same time

  Seriously, check yourself.  God won't strike you down for touching yourself to see if you are in tip-top shape. 

  • 7:39 PM
  • 32 Comments