October 9, 2010

• Celebrity round Up 10/8/10

  Did you realize were are two days away from 10/10/10?  That should mean something but I have no clue what it would.  Oh did you realize there are 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays in this month?  That is the first time it has happened in 823 years.   You best celebrate, people.  Once you stop laughing at my nerdiness, read the post.  Remember some photos may not be safe for work or life.  NSFW and NSFL.
  
  Tommy Lee turned 48 this week.  His hepatitis C turned 30.
  
  Tom Cruise gets a lot of crap for his sci-fi pseudo-religion but we often forget he doesn't puss out and use a stunt man.  This is him doing some stunt for Mission Impossible 4.  Do we really need a MI4?  Tom is pretty tough and he sort of reminds me of how this morning I was so brave and brushed my teeth without wearing shoes after I saw a spider in my bathroom.
  
  This image was caught at the Ryder Cup this week.  People are claiming it is one of the best sports photos ever taken.  Maybe it is simply for the guy in the turban and mustache but seriously, I think it would be dangerous getting something white shot at your face especially from Tiger Woods.
  
  Now that he is off Dancing with the Stars, David Hassellhoff doesn't have much to do so this week he stood on an over pass in L.A. and waved to motorists.  The funny thing about it is Leanne Rimes spotted him and sent a message via Twitter.  The Hoff confirmed that it was indeed him.  They really need to hire this guy to be the official greeter for the city of Los Angeles much like Walmart has greeters, L.A. could have the Hoff.  He'd probably do it for free or for a case of beer a day.
  
  Teri Hatcher was photographed on the set of Desperate Housewives.  I haven't seen that show.  Is it about zombies?  Maybe this is for a special zombie apocalypse episode.  Or maybe they are doing an episode about drug use.  Well I'll never know.
  
  Serena Williams took a break from barely fitting into her tennis clothes to barely fit into a bikini while in Miami.  I can't believe they let her wear such skimpy clothes during tennis matches.  It probably distracts her opponents because most of them are skinny like twigs.  I don't think this is fair considering I am banned the Arm Wrestling Championship circuit because my shoulders and forearms were so massive that they made my opponents run and curl up in the fetal position in the corner of the ring.  Women should be held with the same standards as men.
  
  Sarah Jessica Parker is very helpful.  She was pointing out which pizza place the paparazzi should eat at because they have the best pizza.  She also was pointing to an oncoming storm cloud.  Was she really helping the paparazzi?  Well to put it in Sarah Jessica's native language...NEIGH!
  
  I know a lot of you ladies enjoy Ryan Reynolds.  Well I am about to burst your bubble and tell you why you should like an ugly guy like me.  He was taking his wife Scarlet Johannson on a vacation.  First, he's married and I am single.  Me 1 Ryan Reynolds 0.  They rented a car to drive across America.  They didn't even get out of California when they had a flat tire.  Well Ryan went out to change it but he couldn't.  I can fix tires.  Me 2 Ryan Reynolds 0.  They ended up having to call AAA for help.  You know the only vacation I would want to take with my wife would be one that requires only a bed and the replenishing of liquids.  Me 3 Ryan Reynolds 0.  Wait he's much better looking than me.  Me 3 Ryan Reynolds 1,000,000...you may have won this round but the next time you have a flat, guess who's taking your wife?
  
  Robbie Williams was interviewed this week and the subject turned to children.  Robbie said that regardless of the sex of his future children, he hopes they're gay.  I guess that works out for Robbie.  If his daughter is a lesbian, he can steal her girlfriends and if his son is gay then he can steal his boyfriends.  Wow, that would make for some awesome Maury episodes.
  
  Rachael Ray dressed as Jessica Rabbit this week.  I think that look on her should be called an EV-NO-NO.  I really have no clue what this was for.  Maybe she was just luring that guy to go play "hide the carrot".
  
  This is Patrick Schwarzenegger.  Yes, you guessed correctly, he's Arnold Schwarzenegger's son.  Patrick was spotted leaving a yoga class.  I guess he hasn't found his dad's stash of HGH and steroids.  They actually look alike except Patrick has a neck.
  
  Paris Hilton is getting a new show on the Oxygen Network.  Her publicist said that the show won't portray her as a ditsy blonde like The Simple but will focus on her day to day life.  If I want to watch airheads spend money, I'll watch CSPAN.  I think the only thing that can prove she isn't ditsy is if she overdoses.
  
  Oksana Grigorieva did an interview with People magazine and it was pretty sad what her situation with Mel Gibson was like.  She claims he punched her in the mouth and head one night and that he was frothing at the mouth while waving a gun in the air.  She said Mel constantly called her a gold digger but she claims she is having a tough time making ends meet which is why she wanted $100,000 a month for child support instead of $35,000.  She also talked about Christianity and said she forgives Mel and that Mel is very depressed and the only reason he hasn't committed suicide is because he's Catholic.  Hmmm I'm not Catholic but I've studied the religion and I must have missed the papal decree that said turning a gun on yourself is a sin but waving it at the mother of your child is OK.  So Mel is frothing at the mouth?  Looks like he will use the excuse that he has rabies to make this all go away.
  
  Some untouched photos of Madonna from a new advertising campaign were released this week and she was very angry.  Look at her hands.  That is why she is angry.  The surprise has been ruined.  See Madonna planned on doing a new version of Fear Factor where contestants had to stare at her hands.  Madonna said that she looks better than the untouched photos.  Well, yes, Madonna, you do look better as long as you wear gloves.
  
  Lisa Rinna admitted to being addicted to lip injections.  She also said that she hated being made fun of for her lips.  So she is getting reduction and won't be getting any more injections.  You're welcome.  Lisa's face was beginning to look like a baboon's ass.  Now her husband will be happy because when she goes down on him he won't be reminded of the Discovery Channel.
  
  Lindsay Lohan has said that she is paying her $30,000 tab at the Betty Ford Clinic plus she is paying for the extra security the clinic had to get for the paparazzi looking for what she calls a "money shot".  Lindsay must have amazing royalty payments for her movies because I can't recall the last time she actually worked.  Georgia Rule?  I bet what she's been doing is buying all her drugs at bulk discount rates.  So she thinks they are looking for a money shot?  I'm not sure fingers work like that.
  
  Jim Jarmusch said that he had planned a biopic about Iggy Pop and it wasn't given the greenlight.  He said that he originally planned for Elijah Woods to play Iggy but now he says that if he gets the nod for the movie, he'll cast Lindsay as Iggy.  I hate to spoil the fun but Lindsay is booked with rehab then jail then rehab then Twitter then rehab and then jail and then Twitter.
  
  Lil' Wayne is in jail for some weapons charge and this week he was moved to solitary confinement because he smuggled in an ipod and headphones both of which are contraband at this particular prison.  I wonder how he got that in.  Hopefully it was just an Ipod Shuffle.  Sometimes I feel like I'm in solitary confinement but then I see the sky and hear dogs barking and realize I'm free.
  
  Lady Gaga seriously looks like she won a Gargamel transvestite contest award so it is always suprising to hear she has a god complex.  She must have two things in her dressing room: honey and oxygen tanks.  She also demands that her meals be served at 5PM and if not then the venue is in breach of contract.  Also she only eats certain food on certain days and here's the list: Mon–BBQ Night, Tues.–Asian Night, Wed.–Mexican Night, Thurs.–American Night, Fri.–Carving Night (Include Tri Tip & Ham), Sat.–Pasta Bar(Assorted Pasta types, meats, veggies, sauces), Sun.–Turkey Dinner with all the trimmings.  Can we just make one of those days poison apple day? 
  
  Kelly Osbourne has said she is trying to change her image.  First, she lost a lot of weight.  Now she is lasering off many of her tattoos.  She wants to be considered classy and lady-like.  I know the first thing she could do to be considered lady-like...not saying "fuck" every other word and using it as a noun, verb, adjective, and adverb.
  
  Katy Perry was on a German show this week called Wetten Das?  I have finally figured out why she dresses like that.  She is distracting people from her acne.  I know she had it because one night I fapped to watched one of her infomercials.  I'm also shocked that she was on a German show and didn't wear a drindl.
  
  OH SNAP!  Wait...who picked out this outfit?  It certainly wasn't Katy.  It must have been the Amish.  I'm outraged.  Kim Kardashian and Hayden Panattiere sported better drindls last week.  I can't masturbate to this.  You owe me a sex tape.
  
  Karissa Shannon, blowjob innuendos don't work once you release a tape to the whole world that features you giving a beej.  Maybe you can try something new.  How about Cleveland Steamer innuendo?  I don't think any celebrity has done that on tape yet...virgin territory.  Oh and if you want to see the sex tape...CLICK HERE!
  
  MTV has just Punk'd all of us. Just when I thought they nailed the coffin shut on the trucker hat, they have brought it back but this time Justin Bieber will be the host.  I bet someone will go to jail because of that show.  Who wants to take shit from a kid?  If he pulled something on me, I'd pull my glock on him.  Oh and is that Justin sitting on his mommy's lap?  That's so precious.
  
  Toni Braxton declared bankruptcy for the second time in 12 years.  She says that she is in debt $50million.  that is just incredible.  I really can't make jokes about that. 
  
  Frankie Muniz sent this tweet to someone on Twitter.  I really think that the 0 key is stuck.  Maybe he could help out Toni Braxton.
  
  There's a woman out there that is claiming to have slept with Ashton Kutcher.  Why is beyond me but she also claims the reason they slept together was not because Ashton wanted to cheat on Demi but that they have an open marriage.  The trick also claims that Demi selected her and that she watched.  This woman also claimed that Demi joined them a few times.  Demi has advocated giving men head to keep them happy, staying in tip-top shape, and now this.  The science community has a term for women like Demi and that is THE COOLEST CHICK EVER!  What did Ashton do to have this fall in his lap?  God is not fair.  He has half a brain and only uses a quarter of that and I sit alone on a Friday night looking at pictures of women wearing drindls.
  
  Courtney Love posted this half-nude photo on Twitter.  I wonder if she's trying to start a semi-nude photo Twitter war with Coco?  I think Courtney looks like a Craigslist hooker, who passed out at the Ramada Inn after an extra long shift, in this photo.
  
  
  When you look up the word "demure" in the dictionary, you see these photos of Coco.  I bet if Coco sent these photos in to universities to get into master's or doctorate programs, they would accept her.  And Ice T sits back and knows it.  Someone really needs to capture her beauty in paintings.  Hmmm who here on Xanga paints?  Anyway, I think Coco wins.
  
  I didn't know this but Christina Hendricks smokes.  I guess she picked that up from Mad Men.  Some people have blasted her and said she would look better if she lost 20lbs.  Maybe she's trying to lose weight the old-fashioned way...chemotherapy.  Remember, the only people that are alright to pick on in the world are smokers.
  
  Hey, Bruce Willis, tight jeans are no longer in fashion.  At least they aren't for me.  Maybe Bruce doesn't have the same problems I have in that area.  I have put so many holes in pants in the crotch region because of unwanted shifting.  So Bruce, what's your secret?
  
  Last week I posted a magazine cover of Brett Michaels and I speculated that his abs were photoshopped.  Well this is the unshopped photo.  His abs are the same but he has saggy manboobs.  I guess he has to stay in shape in order to fit into those tiny cubicles to screw the hoes on the rock of love bus.
  
  This is the dumbshit kid on Two and a Half Men.  His name is Angus Jones.  He's 17 years old and at first I thought that might be a son but it is a younger brother.  He just signed a 2 year contract with CBS to remain on his show.  He will be making $300,000 per episode and he received a $500,000 signing bonus.  So with the amount of episodes CBS has ordered, Angus will make $14 million in the next two years.  Damn!  When I was 17, I was making minimum wage.  If this doesn't make you sick, you have no soul.
  
  Amy Winehouse is sober.  Hard to believe right?  She doesn't look that bad.  But since she is sober she has just sunk the illegal drugs economy throughout the world.  The only thing she has to work on is realizing that wearing GAP for kids dresses is a fashion faux pas because they weren't designed for the implants she's sporting.  And she also needs to matching her underwear with her dress.  Light colors never go well with animal prints.  Wow, I should be on Project Runway.  Overall, Amy is making my pants tighter.
  
  A while back, I heard a tale of how a reporter for the New York Jets, Jenn Sterge, claimed that she had proof that Brett Favre sent her nude pics.  Well a website got a hold of said photos that Favre sent her.  He made advances on her but he couldn't read her defense when she said "no" so he sent her photos of his little tackling dummy.  The thing is, how many great romance tales will be written in this day and age that start with, "And then he sent me a photo of his dick"?  There will be no "his dick looks retired" jokes.  If you must...here's the link to the video of all of what's going down.  Even my beloved City Pages is getting on this.
  
  Britney Spears is almost free from living under her daddy's watchful eye.  Her dad is claiming that he thinks Britney is fine to be left alone.  She sure was easy to tame.  Now Daddy Spears should tackle a challenging job...taming Lindsay Lohan.
  
  What is on her neck?  Are they Lisa Frank stamps?  Hickeys?  Did she forget how to vacuum?  I think she was distracting us from the fact that she is in public and wearing a bra.  Hopefully those things wash off before any competency hearings.
  
  Britney is also being sued by a former nanny who claims that Britney didn't paid her wages.  The nanny said that Britney failed to pay her their negotiated price of $35,000 and that was for just one month.  I guess that's not that much considering working for Britney is considered hazard pay.  For $35,000 a month, I'd consider babysitting.  I wouldn't do any worse than Britney.  Also, for $35,000 I'd be willing to leave retirement from modeling but this time I want to model for something other than plus sized hunting gear.

  I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

  • 2:01 AM
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