October 13, 2010
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Motivation
Today my heart stopped. I was washing dishes...I should film and sell it as porn for women...and I saw a new stray cat playing in my yard. That brings the number to three. The librarian had her minivan parked on the street and I was watching this kitten playing. I think it was attacking leaves. Well it jumped in the gutter and the librarian comes walking by because it's their lunch break. The kitten gets scared and runs and hides on her front passenger tire. I am frantically grabbing for a shirt to run out there and tell her to stop but I couldn't move. My heart stopped and I stopped breathing as the car starts and starts rolling. The kitten frantically runs on the moving tire in the opposite direction. She slightly turns the wheel and it jumps down and runs under the minivan and across the street. This was the fastest I've ever seen a cat run. As I saw it shaking itself across the street, I started being alive again. Strange sensation, man. It was out playing in my yard with one of the other strays this evening. I set out some food.
I don't know why but trains remind me of your mom.
Brett Favre texted me photos of his massive ego this week. I tried to upload the pics to Xanga but they were too large. I actually think Brett Favre's ego made Xanga crash last week. Oh and I hear that the photo feature for Twitter is hiring which is good for him if he ever decides to retire. You know he throws pics both on and off field.
Over the course of my life I've learned that you can not count on a person that uses the phrase, "for the umpteenth time" because it is quite obvious that they can't count. Umpteen is not a number.
Most men don't want to be tied down in a relationship while most women don't want to be tied up to a radiator. Ladies, most guys don't like that fetish of cuddling after sex...it's gross. Ladies, want to know how to tell a guy has a small penis? He will say, "I enjoy the small things in life" repeatedly. Purchasing a Snuggie is a great way of saying "I plan on staying a virgin forever." Guys, if you show a girl your O face, she will most likely show you her NO face. Women are the leading cause of herpes...why you ask...if it was a male problem wouldn't it be called hispes?
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
I think I missed my calling. I would love to be a gynecologist during the month of October because I could use the phrase, "I'm going to scrape you like the inside of a Jack-o-lantern." Well I would use it more often than I do now.
My dentist is the 1 out of 10 that recommends Bubble Yum.
I could be a champion boxer if they let Jack Daniels be my cornerman.
I pick the strangest times to chop onions. Why did I decide to chop onions when the first miner hugged his wife and son? But seriously, they should have rescued them yesterday since it was Coming Out Day.
Comments (52)
i love the randomness of your site! it makes me giggle ( i tried to rec. but its giving me an error..sowwy!)
gynecology would be gross 99.9999 percent of the time.
omg that thing about the kitten and the minivan... i was afraid to know the ending, but -whew!- i'm glad it was okay, the poor little thing. i would have been just like you, totally freaking out... =/ ...i love that dog cocaine poster, too funny... woof! lol =D ...oh, and that miner thing? was that awesome or what?? i got the chills (along with Anderson Cooper lol, i was watching CNN) when the capsule thingy reached the bottom for the first time and they were hugging the rescue guy... man, that was great... a happy ending to a reallyreally long story, huh?
Ha! Yes, please make that porn...you washing dishes, you vacuuming, you doing laundry...I'd buy that!
Your "commentary" is always way funnier than the posters!
It motivates me to snort-laugh! I always try to pee BEFORE reading your posts!
HUGS!
hahaha...your post always amuse me and make me realize there are always something lamer than my situation LOL....
My mom is the only person I have ever hear say "umpteenth", but apparently she's not the only one.....and "Purchasing a Snuggie is a great way of saying "I plan on staying a virgin forever." LOVE it!
I'm motivated now
A screaming pussy - fighting for it's life against a big bad piece of rubber. I'll let you finish that line off...........
@Peridot21 -
I began watching the miners being rescued - had to change channels. Back in 1998 I worked in one of the biggest salt mines in North America - I was over 2000 feet down and a half a mile out, under Lake Huron. There was a cave in one night, happened about 100 feet away from me. Over 6000 tons, a huge slab fell from the ceiling while I was alone, working in an area by myself. The place was shut down for 3 days until the safety investigators found out what caused it, if there was any seismic activity in the area etc.
I asked one of the investigators later how they'd recover a body if it were under all of that. He said they'd locate your remains with dogs, then drill a hole and suck your remains out with a straw. True story.
BTW, why haven't I seen you lately? You another person angry at me because of my "Sticky Toons?"
Your blog motivates me to laugh. I love the one about the snuggie (I own a snuggie by the way) and I love the one about herpes! Where you come up with this stuff, I will never know.
Favre is guilty. My husband's Aunt sort of knows him and has been around him several times in a social setting. This was years ago, but she said he was a total womanizer. I don't doubt that these pictures are real. And i'm sure more women will be coming forward about things they've done with him. He's the next Tiger Woods! Douche.
@DickDoktorII - hey Dok!
...nope, i'm not one of those angry persons, so i'm not sure what happened there 
...and, whoaaaa, your mine story is so scary! i had no idea... just glad you got out of there!!!
Guess what pic i was staring for a couple of minutes! lol
Great post as always!
What a combination. Snuggies, tits, bubble yum and kittens. You are a magician.
motivational, but fry's dog only promotes heart break.
Awesomesauce.
thanks! I didn't know what to do with my old iMac! unfortunately I have no cats...but maybe my nephew can fit in quite easily....and...that Michael J.Fox one is....ok..it's GREAT!... laughed out loud...feeling a bit guilty....little bit...
Best Brent Pevre-related one-liner I've heard so far: "He is the 1st NFL QB to deliver his own sack!!"
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, Brent. Thank you for making the MN Purple Team seem that much more pathetic for so desperately going after you.
@phillyista -
That is weird, I had someone rec it but they couldn't leave a blank message for eprops. I think the system has beaten me.
@anonymiaous -
As much as I love women, I couldn't imagine doing it for a career.
@Peridot21 -
Yeah I probably wouldn't have posted if it had a sad ending. That was just so scary. I have a few other photos like that cocaine one that I will have in upcoming posts. I am shocked they haven't gotten them all out or at least they hadn't when I checked about an hour ago but they had 20 out.
@adamswomanlost -
I need to get a camera then but the only porn I will produce is washing dishes.
I am so glad you enjoy these. Whenever I post, I have fears that people won't think I am funny but then I know I am funnier than those people that have been elevated on this thing due to their "humor".
@starrynite45 -
The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
@fargoneandout -
My mom says it too and I posted that one facebook and I got a few angry comments that "I use umpteenth does that mean I am unreliable?" Why must people take everything seriously? And I can't believe I'm admitting to this but the last time I was at a Walmart I was checking out Snuggies and then yesterday at the Dollar General I saw a camouflage Snuggie...is there such a thing as a born again virgin?
@ElevenStones -
I wonder which one motivated you
@DickDoktorII -
LOL...yeah, that is a pretty good set up to a joke but I don't know why I reacted like that. I once saw a dog jump out of a car on the freeway. That didn't phase me but this did. I must be getting softer in my old age. Oh and because Xanga is being unreliable I've noticed that a lot of my subscriptions and friends postings aren't in the inbox. Progress on Xanga as always!
@fortheloveofblogging -
A lot of these are thought up when I drive around. If I laugh at something, I pull over and write it down otherwise I forget it. I saw a camouflage snuggie the other day and then a Packer Snuggie. Eventually one will come into my possession.
@ShamrockLover -
I've heard a lot of stories as well. He has a hunting cabin near where I live and when he came here people said he always came alone or with teammates and they always picked up women. Favre is probably acting out and will blame it on having a family at such a young age. I think he and his wife had their first kid when they were 18. The site that broke the news and published the pictures said that more women are stepping forward. Tiger Woods is sending Brett Favre a fruit basket as we speak.
@ccRowp -
Michael J. Fox because you were trying to figure out what the bottom said?
Thank you, I am glad you get enjoyment out of these posts.
@re_pose -
Somehow they all work together. I prefer the term "warlock".
@winterEnds -
That episode of Futurama made me tear up. Oh that stung the first time I saw it.
@SodomyClown -
Thanks
@NiDH0GG -
An imac being a child kennel...I LOVE IT!
If I posted that Michael J. Fox one on facebook, I'd probably lose friends. I did after I posted a joke about him.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
well...with that MJ Fox picture you GOT a new friend for sure!
@ZepBlueEyedGirl -
HAHAHA...Brent Perve...they have that shirt on Sconnie.com and then another with Brent's face with the question, "Who Let the Dongs Out" I may have to use that line too.
I didn't see the game on Monday night but I heard plenty of Vikings fans complaining that they traded for Moss so he could run the ball and Favre could be a receiver.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
Hey, "Herb" (that IS Herb, isn't it?)
, I love watching a man wash dishes! 
I like when funny people "ramble"...just talk, moving from one thing to another. One of my favorites at this is Ellen DeGeneres. 
She cracks me up big time!
Your "commentary" is always funnier to me than the pics you post. (The pics are funny, but you're funnier!) Well, post that dishes porn
So, keep talking, M., and I'll keep laughing!
lol funny
Did your heart stop because of the kittens or some other reason? Kind of confusing with the porn reference. I would have died trying to get to that kitten. Probably would have tripped and killed myself getting out the door so fast.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
Vikings "fans" will always whine about something. Always.
Oh - did you see the newest Sconnie creation? "NS4W" - love!!!
This made my face hurt
@klberry514 -
Well I hope that is a good thing
@NightlyDreams -
Oh I was just washing dishes which so many women have said is great pornographic material...seeing a man washing dishes. I was watching this kitten play as I washed dishes and when it nearly was crushed was why my heart stopped
@Shining_Garnet -
thank you
@ZepBlueEyedGirl -
I just saw that NS4W one this evening. I laughed so hard. Favre is the new Tiger Woods.
I love Truth Or Dare. It was and is still the best game ever!!!
@sw33tw3asl3 -
I honestly can't remember if I've ever played it which means I probably never have.
Now /there/ is one special iMac cat!
I'm glad the kitten was all right. Thanks for the Motivations.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Oh you were hanging out with the WRONG crowd. However it's never too late to play!!!
@POETIC_ISIS -
Yeah I like that one especially since I had those in one classroom and they were worthless
@curiousdwk -
Yeah I think if I see it today, I'm going to take it in or take it to a vet.
@godfatherofgreenbay - and now they're all out and okay... it took like, what, a whole day plus, to get them (and then the rescuers) out? wow! ...but a great ending, a really great ending, for those poor guys... oh, and for the little kitten, too! =)
@Peridot21 -
Yeah it was incredible to see the last guy come out last night. I haven't seen the kitten although my mom told me that one of her coworkers lives across the street from this guy that has dozens of cats and she claims that there have been kittens playing around his house. I figure the strays that have adopted me and this kitten are his since he's only about two blocks away from me.