October 14, 2010

  • Questions with the Godfather and His Cock 10/13

    Well we are back from a break to answer more of your questions.  Cocky wasn't up to his normal self last week so we didn't take time to answer any questions.

    Cocky: Is it true the end is near?
    Me: Well, Cocky, the year 2012 is quickly approaching and many think the world will end then.  Also, today there was supposed to be an alien invasion.  It didn't happen but there were UFOs sighted in New York City.  Honestly, Cocky, I don't think we have to worry about the end coming any time soon.
    Cocky: Christ, I was talking about an end to your incessant, liberal bitching.  Grow a pair.
    Me: As always you are in tip-top shape.
    Cocky: No, I'm just drunk.
    Me: And now a word from our sponsors.

    Questions with the Godfather and Cocky is brought to you by:

    Fighting Cock Bourbon. 

    Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.

    Me: Cocky, are you ready?
    Cocky: Locked, cocked, and ready to unload.


    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I suffer from a disorder called liberalitis.      I cannot help but always speak out against American Government oppression, oppose twisted socialism for the wealthy aka bailouts, I always must speak out in favor of civil rights and against violations of the constitution. Lastly I see the through the transparency of a society that blames the poor and disabled for their plight. I don't think that my autism plays any part in this, other than I can clearly see logical flaws in the right. Should I be worried?
                                              Liberal in La Valle
    Me: I don't think you have to worry. Your viewpoints are only unpopular in a society that is inundated with distractions such as Reality TV, ipods, and cheap fast food. Politics and the way of the American Dream have gone South due to people depending on 24 hour cable news morons like Sean Hannity or listening to Limbaugh on TV. It takes someone with SOME sense to realize when things are wrong, but a bigger person to do something about it.
    Cocky: Liberalitis is better than A-holeitis. This comes from those who think political posturing and ignoring the fact they are part of the problem is what America NEEDS. I once won a Cockfight in Nashville under the pseudonym El Gallo Guapo. That may have nothing to do with your frustration, but I wanted impress you because of those hot pictures you sent with your question.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I am 16 and love reading your column.  My problem is that I want to marry my girlfriend but my parents and her parents won't let us even though we are old enough, love each other, and have been dating for about 6 months.  No one should tell me what I should or shouldn't do in regards to love.  So what should I do?
                                             Groom to Be in Gays Mills
    Me: Hmmmm so you say that no one should tell you what to do but you are asking me what you should do?  Honestly, you should wait this one out.  Getting married this young may lead to problems.  How will you finish high school and how will you support your wife and where do you purchase a marriage license and what is the standard tip for the officiant of your wedding?  You may not be physically mature and potentially not mentally mature.  Wait, until your parents deem it OK. Besides that, some states won't allow you to get married that young. 
    Cocky: Don't listen to the old fool.  Just watch more of MTV's Engaged and Underage.  That show tells it what is like to be 100% truly in love and I bet all those marriages last.  See the Godfather is a balding, decrepit old man who didn't marry young and now that his body is falling apart he can't find "the one".  If you don't marry now, how can you expect to be a cock of the walk in the bedroom.  I would hate to see the Godfather's future Viagra bills.
    Me: Hey, that Viagra is to help the passageways open up in my lungs and help me breather deeper.
    Cocky:  Yeah...it may help you do something deeper but it most definitely isn't breathing.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I am a single mom raising a 16 year old son.  We are having some renovations done to our house and when I was moving things around in his room, I found some of my sex toys.  He has clearly been using them.  If I confront him, he could freak out and never talk to me again.  If I take them back he may freak out.  What should I do? 
                                             Mortified Over Monkey-business in Minneapolis
    Me: I don't want to ask how you know that he has been using your toys.  You are probably going to have to sit him down and discuss this with him.  Maybe if he is trying to discover that end of the spectrum of his sexuality maybe you say he can keep your toy but then you should teach him safe sex toy usage.
    Cocky:  My suspicion is that you got swept up in the Barack Obama craze and you went out and bought yourself a Head-o-State dildo.  If that is the case maybe you can assume your little shit...it was shit wasn't it...is just celebrating his love of democracy and the executive branch of government.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I run with a tough crowd in high school.  Well a few of my friends didn't like the grades our English teacher gave them.  They decided to get back at the teacher by vandalizing her house.  They did a wicked job.  Now I don't approve of what they did nor did I plan or participate.  I had nothing to do with it but I get along with this teacher and I feel so bad that it had to happen to her.  What should I do?
                                           Ruffian in Rock Springs
    Me: The first thing you should do is sit down with your parents and come clean and then suggest that you go with them and tell your school's principal.  You need your parents with you because every kid needs adult representation in the school system.  Tell the principal the truth and let him or her sort it out because that is why they get paid the big bucks and have special parking spaces.
    Cocky: Oh my god, turn this poor kid into a narc?  See what you really want to do is tell these friends you have the evidence of what they did and then hold it over them for blackmail or you could possibly drop hints in an essay for your teacher that you know who did the act but will only tell her for better grades or monetary reimbursement.  If none of that works, two words: throat punches.
    Me: But whom would she punch in the throat?
    Cocky: Don't bother me son, I say, I say leave me be, I'm on a roll.
    Me: Yeah, if you would punch someone in the throat, you would be on a roll, a Kaiser roll and you would be chicken salad.
    Cocky: Ouch

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    What are you up to today?
                                             Planner inPlain
    Me    : Well, about 6’2”…hahahaha…but seriously, I’m trying to stay cool and safe.
    Cocky:  Bullshit…he’s only up to three inches.



    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    How has the Simpsons lasted so many seasons?
                                              Simpsons Fan in Seneca
    Me: They keep putting out quality material because of great writers and they don’t have a “real” cast so they can get away with never aging.
    Cocky:  Bullshit!  They are starting to repeat their own storylines.  The real reason they have lasted so long is the same as how Simpson got away with murder.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    What is the world’s worst pick-up line?
                                             Pick-up Artist in Pewaukee
    Me: Cocky, are you ready to unleash your worst?
    Cocky: Of course, fruity, I’m always ready to beat you.
    Me: Are you from Tennessee? Is that why you're missing teeth?
    Cocky: Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to stalk you?
    Me: Pardon me, do you have an orifice you're not using?
    Cocky: Do you know karate? 'Cause I need to know if you're gonna put up a fight.
    Me: Are your legs tired? THEN STOP RUNNING FROM ME, BITCH!
    Cocky: You’re prettier than a new set of whitewall tires.
    Me: Do you want to see something swell?
    Cocky: Hey, sis, get in the back of the truck.
    Me: And we have a winner

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    What do you guys do to beat the heat?
                                             Hot in Hustisford
    Me: Well my strategy for beating the Heat will be to expose LeBron James.  Get him frustrated shooting and he will shut down.
    Cocky: The weather, moron, the weather.
    Me: Oh, I like to take a dip in the local lake when it isn’t flooded.
    Cocky: Yeah, it also doubles as fishing because the Godfather goes naked and the fish try to bite his little worm.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?
                                             Indoors Lover in Indianapolis
    Me: I am not sure you can. You knew he had this tendency when you married him. People do not give up the things they do just because they get married. No wedding ring has turned a roamer into a faithful husband or a dare devil into a cream puff. I applaud his wisdom in understanding that once he has children these expeditions are history. Children need security. Wives, on the other hand, usually know what they are getting into.
    Cocky: Holy shit!  I have to agree with the Godfather.  Once you put that ring on, it doesn’t mean he’s going to puss out and become the Godfather.  You best get to the kitchen and make your man some sandwiches for his trip.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    How would you go about picking lotto numbers?
                                              Lotto Lover in La Crescent
    Me: Well the lottery isn’t something I play.  I do play scratch-offs occasionally but the big games aren’t for me.  It’s nice that some money goes to school districts but that is miniscule.  I would say just do a random guess
    Cocky: You go up to the nearest old lady, punch her in the throat, steal her purse, and then use her social security card to select your numbers.

    OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.


    If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.  Please email me so I can keep making posts like this.  Cocky really needs the attention.

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