October 18, 2010

• Boners in Church

  So after drinking and celebrating my ass off because of a Badgers win I felt the need to attend church.  If I believed in those 7 deadly sins, I probably committed all 7 this past Saturday.  Let's start off with lust.  I lusted after many women.  Every time I turned my head, I saw a different woman who could be classified as the world's most attractive woman but then I think that was because I think I consumed half a keg at the pregame so there may have been a bit of a beer goggle effect going on there.  But then I'm also a sucker for a girl who displays "Wisconsin" across her chest.  As for gluttony, I found a VFW that was sponsoring an all you can eat chicken feed for the low price of $8.  I think I could also cover lust with that one.  The 80+ year old woman dishing up chicken asks, "So what do you want?"
  "Well I love breasts and legs."
  "I know you do but what pieces of chicken do you want."
  "Ummm breasts and legs."
  "OH, I thought you were one of those dirty fat boys."
  What the fuck is a dirty fat boy?  Is it a late 80s rap group of morbidly obese gangsta rappers?  Anyway I can't tell you how much chicken I devour because I lost count.  They also doubled up on starches by offering french fries and potato salad.  I swear that potato salad was the best I've ever had but then it isn't my mom's vinegar based salad that she marinates overnight.  It's fantastic.  I hate potato salad that has eggs and mustard in it.  I don't know why I despise it with such a passion but I do.  Then I ate half a loaf of bread.  I thought I couldn't get any more gluttonous but then I found out that glasses of beer were 50 cents.  Hot damn!  I was riding the high life with Miller High Life.  I love that stuff and I don't care what you say about Budweiser being the best.  The only way I would drink a Budweiser was if it came from Czech Republic where Budweiser originated.  Fuck that water shit they call beer.  I'm from Wisconsin, I drink Schlitz and have survived so I know something about beer.  Speaking of which I am loving this stuff I picked up the other day from the Potosi Brewery.  It's called Cave Ale.  They produce a pumpkin ale during the fall but it's only on tap and I haven't seen any establishments that have it outside of Potosi and I'll be damned if I ever go back to Potosi.  That town sucks.  My most memorable freshman football game was against Potosi.  I was an animal on the field and if you did something outside of the rules against me, you could expect that I would return it ten fold.  I was playing nose tackle and on the first snap of the game, the center threw an uppercut and connected with my jaw.  The next play I slap his helmet and it flew off and I got the tackle for a loss of 5 yards.  Third down.  The center threw another punch and he tried to connect with my speed bag.  I jumped back before he hit my junk.  Well I was pissed that he dared to strike at my genitals so I grabbed him and body slammed him to the ground.  Now, the field at Potosi was horrible.  It was like playing on gravel.  I don't think it had rained all fall which was why the field was so hard but it also could have been because the field was right next to a corn field.  When extra points were kicked, players had to scramble through the corn to find the footballs.  Would you like someone throwing a punch at your cock and balls and you aren't wearing a cup?  I never wore a cup during football.  I said it was against my religion even though I went to a religious school that didn't preach against ball protection.  I just could find a cup in which the goods fit.  So the center screamed "Fuck you, you fat fuck!" 
  I stepped on his facemask with my massive cleats and stepped up with all my weight.  Whistles blow.  The referee saw me and if he didn't he would have been a blind fool because he was standing right next to us.  15 yards personal foul defense #75 automatic first down.  My coach pulled me out for the next play and said I can't do stuff like that.  I explained about the balls.  "Oh nevermind.  Get back in there but don't get caught doing anything illegal."  This was the guy we called Pit because he was bald and for some reason his head reminded people of roll-on deodorant.
  As for greed, well I was wishing that Wisconsin could have the success that Ohio State has during the regular season.  I wouldn't want the Buckeyes' luck during the bowl season because that is flat-out pathetic.  And aren't greed and envy the same thing?  And why is it that I have two commandments for coveting?
  Sloth...imagine me, a fat, ugly, straight guy, who is loaded on chicken, potato salad, and half a keg of Miller High Life.  I'm moving very slowly and actually laying on every curb I could find.  I guess that's what you may call sinful.
  I burned with wrath as I saw Ohio State fans invaded MY house.  You don't come into my house and wear the wrong colors.  You just don't do it.  But if people cheering for the opposing side didn't wear their clothing Badger fans wouldn't be able to scream "Fuck You! Eat Shit!" at them throughout the game or at least that's why I think they do it.
  I guess pride was exhibited in great amounts after the game especially while driving around I had my head hanging out the window singing "Sweet Caroline" and "Varsity" and saying funny things about bullying and legislating self-esteem.
  So that all brings me to my church service.  I was sitting there listening ever so gallantly which is near difficult for me with the ADD and all.  The pastor started talking about the book of Ruth and marriage and what not.  I got to thinking about marriage and how I wish I was married.  That may be greed and envy.  I see guys mistreat women and cheat and what have you and that angers me because I don't have that and I doubt I ever will because as mentioned earlier...fat...ugly...loaded on chicken.  I tell guys to appreciate what they have and not just because I will have a shorter life expectancy because I am single but because marriage truly is a blessing.  Of course I'm probably not ready for marriage because I think of sex and marriage.  Then I get thinking of sex and one thing leads to another and I am pitching a tent and of course the lady sitting next to me notices.  I managed through the service but afterward she asks me "What's up?"
  "Well the Badgers won which is a great thing"  I said that in a whisper voice.
  "That's not the only thing."  And then she got up and left. 
  I suppose that is a horrible.  So to cure my embarrassment, loss of voice, and lack of Xanga, I went with my mom and aunt to some apple orchards.  We visited 4 orchards in a 5 mile stretch.  The first two were pretty lame but they were teeming with people.  I was shocked at how much all these places were charging for apples.  At one orchard they wanted $15 for a 16 inch apple pizza.  I was game however it wouldn't have made it home.  They also had free cider samples and free apple samples.  I felt somewhat guilty for enjoying a particular strain of apple called a Dicks Delicious.  One place was charging $20 for a bag of apples and of course this was the largest orchard.  There were hundreds of people there.  The only redeeming quality this place had was that they had free apple slices.  I must have ate about 3 or 4 apples.  So not only am I a fat, ugly, drunk straight guy loaded with chicken, potato salad, and Miller High Life but I'm a fat, ugly, drunk straight guy loaded with chicken, potato salad, Miller High Life and apples.  They also had lock boxes around certain products.  You could "purchase" things on the honor system.  Honor...I have none.  I get erections in church.  The first item"purchased" was an apple cider slushie.  Damn.  It was excellent and for the low suggested price of 50 cents but for the actual price of nothing.  I wandered around and scoffed at the price of apples.  Who the fuck would pay $20 for a bag of apples?  Tourists, that's who.  The place was teeming with tourists.  I sweat one lady was pulling up a flatbed truck for all the apples she purchased.  All these people had shopping carts filled with apples.  Someone asked me if I was going to buy any.  I said that I didn't need apples because I grew my own and that I was here for the slushies.  I wandered around and found another sample stand.  Apple barbecue sauce...not good.  Apple, cherry, and jalapeno jam...AWESOME!  I think I ate half a jar but the stupid thing was that they had pretzels instead of crackers but then pretzels are cheaper.  What the hell is wrong with America when you pay more for crackers than pretzels?  I then saw a sight to behold.  Dozens upon dozens of donuts piled high.  I think I started singing the Hallelujah chorus.  These were no ordinary donuts.  No, these donuts were...and remember where I was...made with apple cider.  Cake donuts made with apple cider donut (see what I did there, I think that classifies as a malapropism) sound that good but they were excellent.  They were asking for 65cents per donut or $1.15 for a donut and a self serve cup of coffee or $1.25 for a donut and a self serve cup of hot apple cider.  Since I was still drinking on my apple cider slushie, I didn't want anything hot to drink.  My donut would be eaten with a cold mouth.  MMMMM for the low price of nothing, I enjoyed a couple donuts.  They were tasty and covered in cinnamon and sugar.  I should have bought a dozen but I'd rather eat them for free. 
  On the drive home, I thought about how I was going to write about this on Xanga but I soon thought I shouldn't think about Xanga while driving because two deer jumped in front of the car.  It is getting closer to deer hunting season for me and I have not yet decided if I would walk through the woods looking for a deer to fill my freezer with meat or if I would head to the casino and look for a deer hunting widow.  Decisions, decisions...maybe I should make one of those poll things to see which I should do. 
  Today, I was at a funeral of a cousin who died from cancer on Thursday.  It was a blessing because he had just been through hell.  A few years ago he had prostate and bladder cancer and they thought they had it all but fast forward to this past winter, he has prostate cancer again and he is bleeding in his bladder.  He was in so much pain.  On October 4th they told him he had less than a month to live because the cancer had spread to the liver, bones, and points elsewhere.  I was sitting in the same place where the day before I had a massive throbber but this I didn't have that reaction.  I cried.  I don't know why.  I was trying to sing the bass part to "How Great Thou Art" but after I saw his wife break down in tears, I lost it.  That's fucking love and that is what I want yet I don't want to leave someone in that much pain.  Fuck.

  Welcome to my mind and madness.  If you made it through that, you get the idea of what my mind is like with the ADD and I've found that as I get older, it gets worse.
  
  The purrfect couple aka my destiny
  
  I felt like Batman in church.  It's a dilemma.
  
  He blamed it on a liberal driving a Prius.
  
  Damn dog got into my stash.
  
  Since everyone talks about plagiarism on Xanga, SOMEONE STOLE MY WEDDING INVITATION IDEA!  But then if you read the above you will know why I will never marry and I'm sure the idea of a Robocop wedding invitation has just scared off any interested ladies.
  
  Do it!  Let's start with Xanga headquarters.  I demand better!

  • 11:26 PM
  • 35 Comments