October 20, 2010
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Motivation
I am having a rough night. I can't get comfortable in bed and I can't get comfortable on the floor. Maybe I should go outside, catch some birds in a trash bag and punch them so I have a pillow for sleeping on the ground. No, I'm not that sadistic. But with my luck I'd probably wake up handcuffed to a jungle gym with dildos duct taped to my hands.
I'm hearing that Brett Favre is going to lose his endorsement deal with Prilosec and Wrangler jeans but the good news is that he is working out a deal with John Hancock.
Sex tips: Guys, you have to be smarter. Use chloroform as cologne and also never date college educated women, they tend to have opinions and don't like making sandwiches. Ladies, the only foot job a guy wants is to have his shoes shined. Guys, when skinny girls fish for compliments when they say "I'm so fat" agree with them. You'll thank me in the morning and if you say you're fighting off pussy left and right, you're doing it wrong. Guys, if you truly want to be able to tell if your girlfriend or wife is like your mother, yell "I'm done" after you take a dump to see her reaction. And if you really want to win an argument with your wife or girlfriend, say "Let's get one thing straight," while pointing at your penis. Ladies, men love a woman with a brain which is why you need to give more head. Since this post has taken a strange anal turn, here's my stance on anal sex...I'm behind it. Finally, the best way to handle a dispute with your husband is to ask your boyfriend to settle it.
Here's a pick-up line that won't be relevant in a year...Are you Chilean? I heard you like shafts. But seriously...33 dudes in one hole? That sounds like a typical night at Paris Hilton's. I also think they gave them mining tools while they were down there because if you have the time to whine, you have the time to mine.
If you are a serial killer and looking for your next victim, try a book club. People who read obviously have no life and therefore no friends to notice they're missing.
And here's your weekly dose of motivation:
This lady was complaining about it being Monday yesterday. I told her there were far worse things in the world like Lady Gaga being famous.
I met a woman with the most amazing eyes tonight. How she spotted me without binoculars, I'll never know.
There are many paths we take in life. I am at a fork in the path and can't decide between sociopath and psychopath.
When I get a laptop, I am going to use it while on the toilet. My Xanga will become my diaryhea.
Now excuse me folks while I go make a deposit at the First Bank of Big Dumps...Big Dumps is a town in Wisconsin, pervert. Actually I'm psyched to watch the baseball playoffs...LET'S GO CUBS! I can't wait for people to correct me.
Comments (38)
I love it.
All of the motivations actually made me laugh tonight.
WIN. I needed a laugh.
She must have had some great eyes.
@quodmenutriut -
I think I spent a half hour holding down F11 for that Haiti one. All these months later I still laugh uproariously when I press F11.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
I just did it. That's horrible!
@ItIsAllGravy -
She must eat her carrots.
The Game of Life is the stupidest game I've ever played.
@quodmenutriut -
But then I am a horrible person
@methodElevated -
I remember playing it with my parents and they got all sad. I think it is the most depressing game ever made. There was an episode of Malcolm in the Middle with a storyline involving that game. The dad ended up making it more realistic, hilarity ensued.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
Damn.
I held down F11.
I then signed a contract with the devil insuring that I get room service in hell.
This is great lol
@re_pose -
You're welcome
@Shining_Garnet -
Glad you thought so
Ha! Your sex tips are right on! I'll have to use that last one.



You have motivated me to snort-laughing! Thank you! I needed that!
Snorting THAT coke has to hurt! Yowza!
And I'm gonna' be laughing about that Paris Hilton line for days!
HUGS!
Oh...that baby poster...it's funny out when something bad happens to kids these days their parents are snapping pics or taking videos...hoping to make some money or share it with the world. I wonder how long before the kid got picked up and got a hug.

My daughter had 5 kids and no husband when she played life. She's not allowed to play anymore!
The best way to win an argument with a woman is to be calm, polite, use your charm and try to act like a gentleman.
Stop laughing you bastard! If that fails, give her more money and take her to a classier motel - one that doesn't have a safe dispenser on the bathroom wall and a cheap vibrating bed. I wonder how many $59.00 a night places Paris has infected? Ooops, that whack on my noggin' just told me it's time for my medication. I'm sure that other 6 pack is cold by now.
I hope you finally got comfortable.
Just hilarious. That piece of advice about getting something straight is epic! And the one about book clubs is so true.
Thank you for yet another great post. I hope your sleeping habits are going to get better without the need for doing such thing @making a pillow out of them birds. Have a splendid day.
Fan on baby is disturbing.
@adamswomanlost -
I forgot to add one...if your boyfriend serves you breakfast while you are in the bathtub make sure he left the toaster in the kitchen.
Yeah, I think of that David after the dentist video and how that guy made so much money from it because of how many people viewed it. I felt pretty bad for that kid.
@fortheloveofblogging -
HAHA! I hope that didn't lead to a line of questioning although that's great that a child can come to their parents with those questions but why force it on them. It's been so long since I played it but if I remember correctly when you get children it just says the stork pays a visit?
@DickDoktorII -
When I first read that I couldn't believe it was you who was writing it.
I know of one hotel that has vibrating beds. They come in quite handy.
@POETIC_ISIS -
Eventually I did but that didn't last. I get a phone call at about 1:30. My dad asks what he should do because he hit a deer. He was about 4 or 5 miles from his house and there wasn't any gas stations open except the one in his town. I told him to drive there and explain to the dispatchers that you had to leave because you needed to use a phone. The only problem with that was he entered a different county but the deputy sheriff drove over to meet my dad at the gas station and took assessment.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Yes well sadly, she is educated. Not by my own "wish to educate her" but Middle School is a playground for foul language and dirty talk. Better she get facts from me and get correct facts than to learn from a bunch of children who probably don't know half of what they are talking about anyway. When her brother was born she stayed in L&D with me and cut the umbillical cord, hopefully that was preaching abstinence at it's best.
@nov_way -
be careful if anyone uses that line. That reminds me of this cartoon. I was getting comfy but then my dad called to tell me hit a deer and wondered what he should do since it was so late and there were no gas stations near him that were open. He ended up driving home to call the police.
@Karismatique -
I can't believe that a parent's first reaction is to capture it on camera.
@fortheloveofblogging -
Yes, that is best she get the facts instead of learning the urban legends regarding sex. I knew a lot because my mom was in the health field and she saw young kids getting into trouble with lack of knowledge. Like the one where girls thought they could do jumping jacks after sex and they wouldn't get pregnant or if they washed themselves with Coca-Cola after sex it would kill sperm.
I think what stopped me from having sex during the teen years was watching a birth in a biology class movie. I think it made me impotent for a while.
oh the fan on baby.
@godfatherofgreenbay - One of the most horrible games I played as a kid was Simon Says. I hated Simon he was always so bossy
@TheSecretLifeOfPandas -
Yeah...how can parents do that?
@sw33tw3asl3 -
Just like Simon Cowell
Loved the sex tips.
And the Haiti poster...ouch. That's fucked up.
Well, well, well LOL!!! As always, you cracked me right up!
the well well well one and the snorting coke one... those are really funny =D
@jacksoncroons -
Well...someone has to do it...glad you enjoyed
@In_Reason_I_Trust -
Yeah that Haiti one...I don't know why but even though it is in poor taste, I laughed.
@Peridot21 -
Yeah when I first saw the well one I had tears in my eyes from laughter.
I like the 2nd song. It was featured in 500 days with summer movie. And that miner pickup line? WIN
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