November 5, 2010

  • My Third Grade Stand-Up Routine

    Teacher: “Class, for show and tell today, Matt would like to tell you some of his jokes. Please give him your undivided attention.”
    *class applauds*

    Matt: “Thank you Ms. Whitehead. Or should I say, Ms. Doodoohead!
    *laughter*

    Matt: “Seriously though, it’s great to be here. This morning when I was eating my Alphabets cereal, I started making words. Yeah, you’ve all done it before, don’t be shy! *winks at Heather F.* Anywho, I was trying to spell out words with my cereal, and they were all coming out the same! I was confused and could not figure it out. Then I realized that I wasn’t eating Alphabets cereal…..they were Cheerios!
    *laughter, Heather F. picks nose*

    Matt: “They other day, my dog farted and it smelled like…..the cat!”
    *laughter*

    Matt: “Man, life is hard though. *smiles at Heather F.* I went to go take a Flintstones vitamin, and wouldn’t you know it, we were all out of orange! I looked at my mom and said, ‘Orange you going to buy me more vitamins!’ Then I farted on the dog’s fat head!”
    *laughter, Heather F. eats booger*

    Matt: “Anyone in the house a fan of Lincoln logs? *applause* Lincoln logs look like penises! You guys are gay!”
    *laughter, Ms. Whitehead rushes to front of class*

    Ms. Whitehead: “Well, thank you very much Matt, that was, interesting. You may take your seat now.”
    *class applauds*

    Matt: Thank you, everybody.  I'll be performing at recess for the next week.

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