December 22, 2010

  • Motivation

    I man few words.  Spelling is my only weekness.

    I've been collecting bad pick-up lines from various sources and here are some of the worst contributions:

    -Nice heels, they'd look better in a shallow grave
    -Did you fart, because you're blowing me away
    -You look like you'd be a good Quidditch player. Want to ride my broomstick?
    -Are you Chilean? Because I heard you like shafts.
    -Girl, if you were a refrigerator my meat would be inside you
    -Hey, are you retarded? Cause you're a really special girl
    -Are you having breathing problems because you've been running through my mind all night?
    -Oh you work out? Here, have some protein!
    -Do you have MySpace?
    -Call me a conjunction, but I love your BUT.
    -First, I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then, I'll move up to your belly button
    -My dick's been feeling a little dead lately. Wanna give it some mouth-to-mouth?
    -If I flip a coin, what do you reckon my chances are of getting head?
    -Sex is ruffage; lettuce do it.
    -Are you a parking ticket? Because you've got "fine" written all over you!
    -Did you hear about the barbecue? "what bbq?"  My meat on your grill.
    -I can't find my virginity anywhere, so whether you like it or not, I'm taking yours.

    Relationship advice: if you're having a tough time not being able to see your girlfriend, pretend you're her father and sign her out of classes.  It's not masturbation if you're wearing a hand puppet, then it's a b.j.  Making a man wear a condom is like say, "The less you enjoy this, the happier I am."  Guys, the best compliment you can give a girl is, "You're pretty when you're struggling."  At this time of year it's nice to get a girl under the mistletoe and when you do shove it in her mouth...the mistletoe of course.  I hate when people complain about breastfeeding in public; sometimes I can't wait to get home to suck on boobs.  Guys, you will never be able to understand women unless you remove the ball gag.  IF you want to have crazy sex, head to an insane asylum and if your significant other is asking for an appliance for Christmas, give them a Dutch oven.  Ladies, the best code word you can use for sex when the kids are around is "NO".  The only thing that beats breakfast in bed is breakfast & head.  There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day. Did you contribute today?

    I wear a size 17 shoe.  Do you know what they say about guys with big feet?  If they're wearing Crocs, they don't have a girlfriend.

    I try not to shop at chain stores during the holiday season because who can take shit seriously when there is Christmas music playing over and over and over and over and over again?  But I do have to say when I go to Walmart, I forget all things and wake up with a pregnant woman in a headlock.  That's my people of Walmart story.

    And now your weekly dose of motivation...







    "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss would have been a shitty rape councilor.

    I love partying with my junior-high friends. It's just annoying that I have to drive until they turn 16.

    The Supreme Court gets too much credit. It's just a regular court with sour cream and tomatoes.

    My favorite part about last night's lunar eclipse is that I was asleep during it.

    The Beatles say happiness is a warm gun. I say happiness is a warm tongue.

    I'm sorry, but I will not apologize for anything I say.

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