January 3, 2011

• My Predictions and Resolutions for 2011

  I started doing this a few years back.  I never made New Year's resolutions before because I realized that I would eventually break them and that I should just save my breath and energy.  Lately as I have matured I think they are nice to make.  I also like to make predictions because I figure that I can do just as well as some of the major psychics.  Years back, I remember visiting my parents for the holidays and they were infatuated with this medium named Sylvia Brown.  The only thing that I found remarkable about her was her voice which had turned awful manly after years of smoking.  She also made appearances at the local casino to "talk with the dead".  Well on a year-end Montel Williams show special she made her predictions.  She said the Pope John Paul would die and would be succeed by a black man from Africa.  The funny thing was I think the pope lived another 5 years after her prediction failed to come true.  She also predicted that there would be a cure for diabetes and that John Travolta would die in a plane crash.  Man, I wish those would have come true.  Yes, I don't like John Travolta and had his plane crashed we would not have been subjected to Wild Hogs and Battlefield Earth.  Later on I found a website that said of all her predictions, that her best year she was accurate 10% of the time.  Well my gambling instinct took over and I figured that I could make predictions and be just as accurate.

  Let's begin by reviewing what I said about 2010.  My current thoughts are in parentheses.
  My Resolutions for 2010
  1.  I will be a better person. (I like to say I achieved this one.  I don't know if I have to go into specifics but in my mind's eye I feel like I was a better and kinder person.  Maybe you will disagree with me and if you do I'll kick your ass.)
  2.  I will start the Master's program.  (Due to computer problems I wasn't able to do this one because the program I am looking at is 100% online and I have to use the Skype to participate in "class".  Oh, technology.)
  3.  I will find some form of work that makes me happy. (I am happy with what I do although some days are better than others and this summer I took on an extra job with the Census which provided me with more stories.)
  4.  I will be seen on ESPN for the World Series of Poker or at least I will become a force to be reckoned with at the local casino in their poker rooms. (The casino has yet to rue me and I totally forgot about the WSOP because I think it's just a fad although the roulette tables hate when I show up because of my betting system which I will not share with you because only I can get rich but if you send me a wink and smile, we could work something out.)
  5.  I will be part of an inside joke. (I'm not sure if that happened either)
  6.  I will find someone to whom I can say "I love you". (Does Arby's count?  That resolution makes me...ugh...nevermind.)

  My Predictions for 2010
  1.  HBO will announce that the ending for The Sopranos was an error in their programming.  They will release the final 15 minutes that never aired when the series went to black.  In the final 15 minutes we learn that Meadow becomes a lawyer, Carmella kicks Tony out of the house and makes a killing on the stock market only to have the market collapse kill her,  A.J. joins a ballet company and becomes a successful dancer, and Tony moves to San Diego where he runs a popular patio furniture store. (Well there are all the rumors of a possible movie)
  2.  Since it has worked in years past, I will become disinterested in a human interest story. (OK call me a bastard but I lost interest in Natalie Holloway, the mining accidents, politics, tainted food, and climate)
  3.  That Progressive Insurance girl, Flo, I am so attracted to her.  I will bang her in a booze-fueled wild rumpus of a weekend. (a gentleman does not discuss such things)
  4.  A certain Xangan will settle all his beefs with other Xangans by stepping into a steel cage and beating all his enemies senseless.  Of course this will be broadcast live on Xanga-TV and will be the greatest webcast in the history of webcasts.  Because of this fight Xanga will shift from a blogging site to a mixed martial arts site and Xangans will be required to fight at least once a month unless they buy a premium account and the only thing credits will do for you is to help sway the voters for who wins the rounds. (How awesome would this one have been if it came true?)
  5.  In a shocking event, I will find respect for Glen Beck and his anti-birth certificate movement.  This will cause the Xanga tin-foil hat and conspiracy theory section to have exploding heads due to the mass confusion. (Nope, but I am certain that these conspiracies are implemented by the government to keep us distracted from what they are really doing)
  6.  Old Faithful will cease to be faithful and will erupt causing much of Yellowstone National Park to burn and be rendered void. (It's getting worse out there)
  7.  The movie Independence Day will come true however instead of battling aliens, America will battle terrorists with President Obama leading the charge.  Instead of fighting from a jet, he'll fight from a tank and will mow down terrorists with a machine gun. (Here I was expecting this to happen during his Afghanistan visit)
  8.  Israel will attack Iran. (Hey, I got this one too)
  9.  America will go to war with pirates and we will see large numbers of people leave the U.S. to join with the Somali pirates only to learn that the pirate life isn't as great as what it is depicted in Pirates of the Caribbean. (I can't understand the fascination with pirates)
  10.  There will be an announcement made that finally tells us why bees are dying off in record numbers.  The  most probable killer is cell phone waves (OK today the death of those birds creeped me out when I was reading these predictions)
  11.  During the 2010 campaign, politicians will start saying how honest they are and town hall meetings will be replaced by polygraph tests where the politicians prove how honest they are. (I wish this one would have come true)
  12.  Due to the movie Avatar, a break-through in the treatment of paralysis will be made. (Despite it not being from Avatar, it is somewhat true)
  13.  Those transporters in Star Trek will start appearing in major cities world-wide to combat terrorism on airplanes. (No but we got even more invasive security checks..."Lift your sac and cough")
  14.  The U.S. auto industry will become the strongest it has ever been when GM unveils a muscle car that gets 100 mpg and costs under $10,000. (They better look at this prediction)
  15.  Gary Busey is abducted by aliens and he becomes their leader.  He will also admit to cannibalism. (Come on, it has to be true)
  16.  Puerto Rico...51st State (I don't know what I was thinking with that one)
  17.  A multi-national effort to land man on Mars will begin (I am claiming a victory with this one)
  18.  Dr. Oz will be revealed to be the last of the Elves and he will leave his show to take a cursed ring to the cracks of doom in order to destroy it. (I wish he left his show)
  19.  A major and active professional athlete will commit suicide.  Note...I already did this prediction after the T.O. overdose but it almost came true when they put Vince Young of the Tennessee Titans on a suicide watch.  (HOLY SHIT!  Two pro athletes did this year but they might not be considered major...Kenny McKinley and Erica Blasberg)
  20.  The United States will make it to the World Cup finals.  (my wallet hated me for predicting this)
  (Well what do you know I got five this year.  I am better than Sylvia Brown.  Lavish me with praise and money!)

  My Resolutions for 2011
  1.  I am going to be a better person in my mind.
  2.  I am going to do volunteer work
  3.  I am going to brew my own beer, wine, or cider
  4.  I am going to make some drastic moves with the stock market
  5.  I am going to get credits in a movie, tv series, or in a book.
  6.  I am going to win the battle of the bulge and by bulge...wink wink nudge nudge
  7.  I am going to enjoy life
  8.  I am going to be able to tell someone I love them
  9.  I am going to resume regularly playing piano and guitar
  10.  I will use my foreign language knowledge for good.

  My Predictions for 2011
  1.  Oil prices will continue to rise and gas will eventually hit $5 a gallon.  This will lead to open rebellion in many states and numerous attempts on the president's life as well as the lives of his daughters.
  2.  The economy will get no better nor no worse
  3.  American people will wake up once Obama-care is repealed and demand that our tax dollars no longer be sent to Iraq and Afghanistan so they can have universal health insurance paid for with our tax dollars.
  4.  I will become disinterested in a human interest story.
  5.  Xanga will lose the chat feature because meebo will go belly-up.
  6.  With the popularity of wikileaks, the American news media will begin releasing sensitive documents in efforts to gain viewers.
  7.  D.B. Cooper will be solved
  8.  Jim Morrison, Tupac, Elvis, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin will come out of retirement and form a super group but Rolling Stone will pan their album.
  9.  Relations with Cuba will be normalized and President Obama will have a photo session with Fidel Castro.
  10.  An insider in the UFC will reveal that it is as fixed as the WWE.
  11.  That Vatican will move back to France after a molestation scandal in Italy forces them to flee in the middle of the night or because of volcanic activity.
  12.  Joe Biden will not finish the year as vice president and Hilary Clinton will take his place.
  13.  A military coup will transpire in North Korea and it will seriously fuck up the world.
  14.  The music industry will collapse because album sales will plummet mostly because there isn't any good material.
  15.  There will be numerous natural disasters.
  16.  Brett Favre will not be in a Vikings or Packers uniform
  17.  The Situation will replace Jay Leno as host of the Tonight Show.
  18.  With the popularity of the Facebook movie and the decline of Xanga, Xanga will make a movie about itself.  I will be played by Kevin Smith.
  19.  Tiger Woods will start winning again, in fact he will win every major.  He will be pressed for his secret.  Eventually he will reveal that he is engaged to Snooki and she has been giving him pointers to improve his game.
  20.  The wedding of Prince William to Kate Middleton will overshadow the death of a former U.S. president.  The only way we will find out is on the bottom-line of the major news agencies.
  21.  A celebrity will lose their life in a tragic way.
  22.  A major sports star will come out of the closet and it will cause unrest in pro sports.
  23.  A major news station will quit broadcasting to focus primarily on bringing news to mobile devices
  24.  Bill Murray will win an Oscar because he's Bill Fucking Murray
  25.  The Tea Party will become more annoying because they will start taking themselves seriously.

  So those are my predictions.  I know they might be vague but look at Nostradamus.  He was vague as hell and people consider him to be the best.  I saw a guy last night explain how the name Mabus could have been Nostradamus predicting Osama, Sadam, W. Bush, and Obama.

  I have thought of becoming a pessimist in the year 2011 but I won't because I figure it won't work.

  I plan on having something special for you tomorrow.

  • 6:47 PM
  • 41 Comments