January 8, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 1/7/10

  What a day!  I should do a motion picture capture webcam thing about it and it would even include a fashion and fetish show.  Well maybe not so much fetish just my piercing that I put back in and a porn store advertising on the radio that they have specials on all fetish materials.  I went and tried to get them to give me the discount on a regular old porno but the clerk said no because it wasn't fetish and I demanded it was a fetish since my fetish is I really dig naked ladies particularly those I'm joined with in a long-term relationship and with whom I only have sexual intercourse in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation.  What?  Oh yeah, celebrities....some images may not be safe for work or life....NSFW and NSFL
  
  Victoria Silverstedt was showing off her tiny bikini this week.  This reminds me of a joke.  What's worse than ants on your piano?  Crabs on your organ.  Victoria is the leading crabber in the world; she just walks on the shore and they jump up and follow her.  And you thought I was going to make a beached whale joke.
  
  Toni Braxton is millions of dollars in debt so she did the thing that every person that deep in debt does.  She went on twitter and asked her fans if she should pose for Playboy.  Remember she's a minister's daughter but then pastors' kids are the ones you have to look out for.  Most every pastor's kid I knew growing up in grade school through college, had serious issues.  Like the one kid that who snuck out of the dorm and stole a house boat and went cruising around the Mississippi or that one girl who did stuff for guys in the locker room at recess or the one kid that started a fire in a church.  Anyway she said she would be open to posing with Hugh Hefner because he is sexy.  W to the T to the F!  If Hugh Hefner is "sexy" then not to brag but I might be a slightly higher degree of sexy.
  
  When we last left T.I. he was back in jail.  What you know about that?  Well this week his wife, Tiny, went to visit him at jail.  Prisoners are not allowed close contact when having personal visits but T.I. because he is a rapper didn't think that applied to him.  What you know about that?  He had his wife give him a hand job but the guards saw it and ended their visit.  T.I. was placed in special housing.  When the other prisoners get word of that I'm sure T.I. will be giving plenty of handies around the prison.  What you know about that?  Seriously, a hand job nets him in segregated detention?  From what the kids claim, those are an acceptable form of hugging these days.
  
  So History Channel spent millions of dollars and many months to make this mini-series about The Kennedy family.  It starred Greg Kinnear as JFK and Katie Holmes as Jackie O.  Well The History Channel is facing the wrath of the Church of Scientology and Tom Cruise because they aren't going to air the series in America.  They claim it doesn't fit their brand but they will air it in Canada.  I guess that means Americans only want to know about swamp loggers and forest loggers and truckers and ancient aliens and Nostradamus.  They could fix it in postproduction.  Just add some loggers, truckers, aliens, and Hitler.  It wouldn't be History Channel without Hitler.  If they need aliens, I'm sure the Church of Scientology can hook them up.  Remember when History Channel aired programs about History? 
  
  And we now have the next book in Oprah's book list.  I'm sure if Hemingway was forced in a tanning bed for 48 straight hours and then told he had to write on the back of a cocktail napkin, this would be his creation.  Snooki has released a book, a New York Times Best Seller, I'm sure.  Here are some quotes:  "He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face." "Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla." "Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a 'roid rage, it is a 'road' 'roid rage." "I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk." "Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky." This book was written with a collaborator who gets royalties for every word that is over two syllables.  If they took all the n-words out of Huckleberry Finn, they should take all the words out of Snooki's book.  I hear this book was going to be a pop-up book but because it's Snooki they decided to make it a flare-up book.  They should have made the book like her, leather-bound with a crooked spine.  OK, I'll stop but I want you to mull this over...Snooki's book will be this generation's "On the Road".  Suck on that fact and try not to rush out to the store to buy bullets.
  
  This is Peter Postlewaite.  He passed away this week from cancer at the age of 64.  He had an incredible resume: Alien 3, Last of the Mohicans, In the Name of the Father, The Usual Suspects, James and the Giant Peach, Romeo + Juliet, Jurassic Park 2, Amistad, Aeon Flux, The Omen, and Inception.  He will be greatly missed.
  
  Pam Anderson still has fans.  A man was recently following her and she was freaked out and the guy was arrested for stalking her.  He was released the next day and went to Sam Goody and stole a Dr. Dre CD.  What is this, 1992?  OK so maybe he didn't steal a CD because I don't think there is any more Sam Goody.  I was trying to make a joke that it seems odd that Pam Anderson would still have people stalking her.  Now, Olivia Mun, her I could stalk.
  
  Montel Williams was arrested in Milwaukee for possession of drug paraphernalia.  He had his pot pipe on him as he went through airport security.  He paid the $484 fine and was released.  So we are still fighting the war on drugs, right?  Can someone tell me another war where you capture the enemy and he is able to write you a check and be on his merry pot-smoking way?  I don't think so.  Would that work in Iraq or Afghanistan?  I don't think so.  Apparently the war on drugs is different.  Everyone knows that pot should be legalized and taxed by the government.  Hell it might help the economy briefly with a new income and skyrocketing sales of snack food but then everyone would need health insurance because of obesity.  If it were legalized I'm sure there would be members of the religious right who would man a space shuttle to go find Jesus so they could bring him back sooner because the stoners are ordering more pizza.  Oh well, the government finds better ways to profit off drug use.  $484 for a pipe...and I thought gas prices were a racket.
  
  Minka Kelly was at the People's Choice Awards but I have no clue as to why since I don't think she has worked since Friday Night Lights.  I could only find three credits and two of those were for pilots that never got picked up.  The good news for Minka is that she won my Penis's Choice Award.  He's nodding and winking at her.  He is refusing to speak because he is going through some weird expressionism period right now.  I figure in a week or two he'll be working with enamels.
  
  Mila Kunis broke up with Macauly Culkin this week after being with him for 7 years.  Hmm another victim of the seven year itch.  2011 is already starting to look better.  No matter what you say about how good looking she is, I will counter and say she has horribly low self-esteem.  How else could you explain sleeping with Macauly Culkin for 7 years?  Maybe she has a tail or extra toes.  Maybe she finally got fed up with Macauly's o-face.
  
  Mel Gibson's ex-girlfriend Oksana said some interesting things about their sex life this week.  She claims that Mel beat her during sex because inflicting a beating was the only way he could become aroused.  No surprise there.  Did you see Passion of the Christ?  If Oksana doesn't get hush money now, I don't know what will.  She'd probably have to come back in a week or so and say that Mel killed her during a snuff film.
  
  Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp are dating.  He must be a glutton for punishment to be with her or maybe he likes dating Meg because it hurts so good.  So far they are the best new couple of 2011.  John and Meg met on the set of a movie and John then divorced his wife.  I thought famous musicians only banged women who were in their 20s.  If John wants to date a washed-up actress whose had way too much plastic surgery he should just move to Orange County.
  
  Like a moth to a flame, Lindsay Lohan hit Twitter almost immediately after her release from rehab.  Given how delusional she's been over the past few years, I'm pretty certain that after this tweet she will start taking credit for Ben Kingsley winning the Oscar for his portrayal as Gandhi.
  
  So a coke whore who has no responsibility or feeling in her vagina can relate to Gandhi who ended the British occupation of India with non-violent protest.  Yeah, she'll be locked up by March.
  
  Kid Rock is such an American bad-ass.  Do people really walk like that? 
  
  This is Jwoww and this is what she wore for New Year's Eve on MTV.  Well she was forced to wear the jacket because believe it or not MTV has standards.  Why are they afraid of her showing off her breasts?  They show close-ups of The Situation's face.  MTV wouldn't know taste if it gave them herpes.  I think JWoww is now America's finest rose.
  
  Justin Bieber is a delusional sociopath whose mother may be on illegal drugs.  In the recent issue of Vanity Fair they interviewed Bieber and his mother.  Bieber said this is the reason he's a great "musician", "“I’m crazy, I’m nuts,” Justin Bieber tells Vanity Fair contributing editor Lisa Robinson. “Just the way my brain works. I’m not normal. I think differently—my mind is always racing. I’m just … nuts.   But I think the best musicians are."  His favorite artists: "“Music is music, and I’m definitely influenced by Michael Jackson and Boyz II Men and people who were black artists—that’s what I like."  On why he thinks he's the best looking man on the planet: "Not trying to be arrogant, but if I walked down the street and a girl saw me, she might take a look back because maybe I’m good-looking, right?"  And his mother also explained how she had a personal encounter with God who told her that he put her and Justin on earth to bring light and inspiration to the world.  Flash-forward 20 years.  We zoom in Justin Bieber who is standing at a truck stop being paid by truckers to let them watch him jack off so he can get money to support his mom's meth habit.  So he's the musical Messiah who has all the girls creaming their panties.  Fuck, I wish G.G. Allin were here to teach that puke about music.
  
  Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez spent last weekend together on a yacht in the Caribbean.  She's 18, he's 16 but looks like an 8 year old Hilary Swank.  Come on, that's illegal.  Where are the people condemning Selena for being a cradle robber?  Oh yeah, twitter.  Here are some of the tweets she's been receiving:  @selenagomez I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, I'LL KILL YOUR KNOB HEADS DISGUSTING, STAY AWAY FROM MY JB IS BETTER SO,YOU'RE DEAD  @selenagomez I will kill you. I hate you. ..kaltak.  @selenagomez I SWEAR TO GOD IM GOIN TO FLY OVER TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA & FIND YOU& KILL YOU SUPER SLUT !!!!!  @selenagomez IM SERIOUSLY GONNA KILL YOU BITCH !!!! MOTHERFUCKING SLUT !!! YOU´RE A FAKE !! YOU´RE GONNA BREAK MY JB´S HEART =( =( =(  @selenagomez if u fukn touch my justin bieber again i wil kill you bitch so u better stay away from him u ugly muther fuker  @selenagomez IM GONNA KILL YOU WHOREEE, YOUR A HUGE FAKE !!!! FAKE FAKE FAKE PERSON !!! YOUR INNOCENT FACE DOESNT FOOL ME LITTLE GIRL  @selenagomez You're a thief, stupid, hairy, smelly beggar, stupid, old witch, I'll kill you so I can finish with justin I never annoy you 
  Selena better take these threats seriously because if history has taught us anything being named Selena and receiving threats of physical harm doesn't end well.  I'm shocked that these young girls are reacting the way they are.  It was only a matter of time before Bieber hooked up with a girl because isn't that what lesbians normally do?
  
  Yep, that pretty much sums it up.
  
  I can totally see what Justin Bieber sees in Selena Gomez.  Maybe I should start dating older 18 year old women.
  
  Danica McKellar turned 36 this week and fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap.  I am such a nerd.
  
  Just when I thought Coolio was going to have to be placed on a milk carton.  Instead of his face, maybe we should find out where his hair went.
  
  Coco knows how to start off the new year properly.  She better be careful because if she hits one of the knobs on the stove, she'll melt.
  
  Here is why you shouldn't wear sweatpants in public if they are too tight.  I sure hope Christina Aguilera is holding change for the parking meters down there.
  
  Chloe Sevigny was spotted at the beach in a bikini carrying nachos.  Excuse me, I think I'm in love.  Damn, those nachos are hot.
  
  Amber Portwood of the MTV Teen Mom franchise has been offered $500,000 to perform in an adult movie by Vivid.  Now, I'm sure there are plenty of people that want to see her have sex on camera because there are those out there that want to see Ma Fratelli naked (rule 34).  Here I thought she was only 16.  Maybe we should sue MTV for false advertising.
  
  This is the cover of Britney Spears' new single, "Hold it Against Me".  I know what I would love to hold against Britney; a book on parenting so that when I held it against her she could learn by osmosis.  What did you think I wanted to hold against her, perv?

  Well I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 2:13 AM
  • 36 Comments