January 12, 2011
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Motivation
I’ve have worked in fast food well not so much. I recently took a massive dump at a McDonald’s that was so intense it should have garnered me a pay check.
One man’s trash is another man’s daughter.
When I lost the spelling bee in the 5th grade my teacher said I was a sore looser.
What was over the head of the guy who came up with the idea of drawing a lightbulb over the head of someone with an idea?
I have 99 problems and counting to 100 is 1.
Confucius said that your wife is like a vacuum cleaner, if stops sucking then you replace the bag. If balls had ears, that would be really weird. I don’t ask if the sex was good after it was over because I don’t care…I got mine. Girls you should take pride in your beejs, you can’t buy publicity like that unless you release a sextape. Nostophobia is the fear of returning home especially by guys covered in glitter returning home 3 hours after the curfew their wives gave them. Guys, no one is impressed by the freestyle piss you take 3 feet away from the urinal with your hands on your hips especially not the janitor or your significant other who usually is one and the same. I hate the person who invented the padded bra because headlights were meant to be seen in cold weather. Girls if you don’t like football just go in the other room to watch your stupid lifetime unless it is How I Met Your Mother. I like that show and I have a weird theory that the show will end and the person narrating will actually be Marshall and why is it that an adult Ted has a different voice when he’s older. That doesn’t happen unless you are Paul McCartney and dead and they replaced you with a lookalike. Guys if you find a girl that enjoys football, grab her and never let her go but don’t let the refs see you because they may flag you for holding. A good way to tell if your partner is awesome is to put in a porno with nothing but threesomes. I don’t have advice on this but I’m asking, how does one return a defective condom? The surgeon general should put a warning on all alcohol saying it may cause pregnancy. Ladies, remember that a stork brings a baby but a swallow won’t. Don’t be fooled, Taco Bell is an excellent location for a first date. Guys when she says, “I think we should see other people,” she’s really saying “I want to screw other people”. The best way to prevent a pregnancy is to listen to what she’s talking about because sometimes listening to them speak is like passing a kidney stone but, ladies, if you want him to pay attention and win the argument do it topless. For the older folks, the best way to see if you’re too old to have sex is to do the deed and if you die then you die happy.
Quick, log off, your boss is standing behind you!
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
Florida is now the only state without snow. Who are the stupid ones now? Oh yeah, people in Florida.
My girlfriend says I’m great in bed. Damn…now I have to update my resume.
The more I drink, the funnier I get, at least that is what my voices in my head are telling me.
My girlfriend drives me to drinking and then when I’m finished she picks me up and drives me home. Sorry, jokes about alcoholism are in pour taste.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is waking up next to a dirty slut.
A good way to cheer yourself up is to change your birth date on Facebook.
And it’s true, I have hired people to do these posts. I pay my voices very nicely although I don’t provide health insurance for obvious reasons…they’re all illegal aliens.
OK, on a serious note, the Ladies Only All-Naked Twister tournament will be at my place this weekend from 8AM Saturday morning until 10PM Sunday evening. See you there!
I know some dicks here don’t think I’m funny but if I could please every dick out there then I’d be your mother.
Comments (51)
HA! Vibrator Dependent! HA!
I LOVE what I call the "stand-up routine" on your Motivation posts! I always laugh so loud I wake up my dog! GREAT posters, again, too!
Thank you, My Friend!
HUGS!
PS..."I'm afflicted! Bayba bayba bayba bayba baby, pleease!" That song's made me week...and it's only Tuesday!
LMAO
The cutest thing ever really is the cutest thing is ever!
How I met your mother is an awesome show! Lol at dj jesus and aspiration posters!I would love to have a girl that likes football but i wonder how would things be when you had a girl that likes football but you don't..Stereophonics' song is nice!
The last one (the UN) was the best. Timing is everything!
yeah, I agree with the one above me...UN picture is the best one...even though the "i love satan" one deserves a good second place...hail satan, kid! hail satan!
I’m asking, how does one return a defective condom?
for maximum effectiveness, i'd return it in a really attractive box, tied with a bow.
The cutest thing ever ruined me for the rest of the post.
Too...much...cuteness - OMG a hamster!! :: passes out ::
LOL!!
OJ murdered Ted Kennedy
BEST EVER.
Hi ... larious!
Ahahahahaha!!
Less-than-three The Hold Steady.
And I'm stealing DJ Jesus for my Facebook profile photo to see how many people I can piss off/entertain. Gracias!
Your questions regarding "How I Met Your Mother" are spot on! haha about the one with Hilary Clinton. I'm sure some people would love to be in his position; with Sarah Palin instead of Hilary, though.
@complicatedlight -
I agree. Along with a cute little card.
How do you come up with all this stuff? Or are you...?
Lol, perfect as always!
@nov_way - perfect! perhaps with a picture of a puppy grooming a kitten? wow. yes that would be *just* the touch...
@complicatedlight -
lol! Yes! Now Matt got to make it happen.
Wow. You have even more inane drivel than I do... but I did glean one bit that I will be sharing with my wife... "if you want (me) him to pay attention and win the argument do it topless"!
lol some good ones here... the battleship one, the Barney one, the wait for it one, and (of course) the cutest thing ever (well, that one made me "awww" :)
@adamswomanlost -
I love Mojo Nixon, I should post some of his other songs that I have.
Glad you enjoyed and thanks for the shout out.
@Airustobulous -
Thanks
@Shining_Garnet -
Yeah I thought I would bring something cute to my spot
@ccRowp -
I would love to have a girl "teach" me football. Just imagine asking to demonstrate tackling and snapping the ball.
I started work on this post when How I Met Your Mother was on in syndication on one of my local channels but the question about Ted's voice changing is from Family Guy. I never quite understood how they expect us to believe that Ted's voice changed.
@klberry514 -
I love the UN one. Those unfortunate sign placements are great. I remember one of a politician standing under a sign and it looked like a thought bubble. The store was called "Cocks".
@NiDH0GG -
I love the Satan one because I have seen some horrible spelling in essays. There was this kid that was writing about WWI in particularly Ferdinand Foch. He misspelled his name throughout the entire essay...Fuck. I don't think he did that deliberately.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
You're welcome, M.
That song had me laughing yet tonight. 
I find it funny because...sh!!! Don't tell anyone...I addicted to my "toys"! 
Now if only they'd take out the trash and wash the car! 
@complicatedlight -
Better yet, should one buy condoms and pregnancy tests at a Dollar Tree? They are only a dollar for a dozen.
@Sionainne -
I am glad the cuteness one was popular. I think I got blocked for it though. Someone recommended the photo and some visitor asked a question and I gave a simple answer. I couldn't access the visitor's site today.
@pewterrose -
Sometimes it's worth getting banned from wikipedia.
@kachino -
Thank you
@LadyMira -
Thank you
@ZepBlueEyedGirl -
Go for it...I love that one. I'm sure all my former religion students would love it. I got a few asking if I was an unbeliever because I posted a pic of these guys at an art museum standing next to a painting of Christ on the cross and they are doing MCA because Christ's arms look like a Y.
The reason I love that Hold Steady song is because it reminds me of the town where I went to college. The first time I heard it a friend from school played it and I had shivers. I had to make sure the guys in the band weren't from that town. They were from Minnesota which is very fitting.
@nov_way -
I'm watching HIMYM right now. I really am beginning to think that the producers of the show thing we are idiots and they are going to pull something off like how the narrator is actually Marshall because in all the episodes I don't think he's ever said Uncle Marshall but he has said Aunt Lilly. Also the whole voice...it really freaks me out. Is Bob Saget really that desperate for work?
Oh and there was a comedian who once did a routine about how you could return any to Walmart. He said that he returned used diapers and claimed, "They already have crap in them." I wonder if one could do that with condoms.
@Unstoppable_Inner_Strength -
I write a lot of this stuff down over the course of a week. I've stopped tweeting ever since the blood thirsty Gilbert Gottfried got a hold of some of my tweets and celebrity round-ups.
You couldn't imagine driving in Wisconsin during the winter and nothing but snow what goes through a person's mind.
@sw33tw3asl3 -
Thank you so much, how is everything by you?
@Aloysius_son -
If women want to win 100% of arguments they should heed my advice. I bet Hilary could have won the 2008 election if....OMG, must rinse brain with acid.
@Peridot21 -
I loved that HIMYM but the last couple of days I've been watching season 6 of The Office which is why my survey thing was heavy on The Office. It is so good. There is a director's cut of the last Christmas episode where Michael played Jesus because Phyllis was Santa. There's like 15 extra minutes and we learn the one female warehouse worker's nickname...Garfield. HILARIOUS! So off topic...how are you handling the snow?
@adamswomanlost -
God, I could be easily replaced because just thinking of it...I have never NOT EVEN ONCE washed my vehicle but that's because I have an SUV and those aren't supposed to be clean. Oh well, as long as I got to watch.
@godfatherofgreenbay - oh, man, i bet the director's cut of that one was good... i remember that one, Michael acting like a spoiled little kid, as Jesus! so funny... and, speaking of Michael, i saw Dinner with Shmucks this weekend, have you seen it? it was ok, just ok... it was so hard not to see Steve as Michael =/ ... oh, and as for the snow, you wouldn't believe (or maybe you would, idk lol) how everything has come to a stand still down here... i mean, we have, what, 2 inches, no one plows or salts or anything, it freezes solid... and hasn't melted yet cuz the temps have been at or below freezing... i saw on the news today that people were ice skating on major roads downtown, they had ice skates on and were totally skating on the road lol... there were no cars so they had it all to themselves... i think the schools here have been closed all week, too... almost everything shuts down...
@godfatherofgreenbay -
Exactly - a solid MN band. I know I have my share of disdain for that state, but the music scene is pretty PACKED with talent. That, aside from my friends, is probably what I miss most.
And I kind of love to poke at super-religious types. I mean, I went to Catholic school for 8 years & got my fair share of indoctrination. I think some of the Bible Thumpers take themselves WAY too seriously.
@Peridot21 -
I was actually thinking of finding Dinner for Schmucks but then I am a huge Zach Galifinackis fan. He's one of the only celebrities that has "talked" to me through facebook. I know it was him because of something I mentioned about a potential job oh well. Yeah, I know what you mean, it's going to be hard to see Steve Carrell as anything but Michael. That movie Date Night seemed to be Michael and Liz Lemon or at least that is what I gathered from previews.
I was actually talking to someone today about how the south was shut down because of this snow. This guy was saying how weak the south was but then I asked if he knew about their snowplow situation. He said no. I can't imagine towns having fleets of snow plows with augers to spread salt and sand. Also I doubt many people have their own person plows affixed to the front of their pick-ups. Anyway, I feel for you down there without all the heavy equipment. I won't take my snow plows for granted or curse at them the next time they plow my driveway shut after I just finish getting it cleared.
@ZepBlueEyedGirl -
That's right you know the MN music scene. Did you ever hear a band called The Umbrella Sequence? I loved being up there to see Cloud Cult, Brother Ali, Atmosphere, Kid Dakota, Hum, Low...basically any act that played the 7th Street Entry and Triple Rock.
Oh. My. Vinyl Spinning Jesus. I never did make it to Triple Rock (major saddoes), but I got to see a ton of live shows while up there, not to mention listen to 89.3 on the regular. (I'm still a contributing member to MN Public Radio.) One of my ALL TIME FAVORITE memories was seeing Flogging Molly (one of my Top 5 Favorite Bands) at First Ave (one of my Top 3 Fave Venues). MIND BLOWING.
@ZepBlueEyedGirl -
Triple Rock was quite the experience. One night a friend wanted to go see some bands so we went to 7th Street Entry because Junior Senior and Electric Six were playing. They were sold out so we drove down to Triple Rock and a line was forming for their show. Peaches was headlining and Electrocute and Daisy's Compact Mice were opening. I think the last band had just formed for that gig or they were just in their infancy because they were handing out cds in paper bags. Well look up info on the other two and my friend and I were so out of place. We were these straight laced Lutheran boys and everyone there were goths and S&M fanatics. The best part of the night was standing in line and having a Minneapolis roller derby team come and rub up against me trying to get me to buy tickets. Roller derby is so hot. Mad Rollin' Dolls...ye-eah. Anyway during Electrocute's set, they were wearing trench coats and they tear them off to reveal just thongs and suspenders. Wow and one song they sang was about how they liked fat boys but they sang it in German. It was interesting have them jump to the floor and grind on me and some other random fat guy. Peaches...words can't begin to describe that show. I wish Wisconsin had a public radio station like The Current. I still listen online. My friends were in The Umbrella Sequence and they were in studio a few times. I also loved Radio K.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
Ah!! A friend of mine skates for the Killmore Girls. Roller Derby is something I contemplate once every 3 months, then have to decide whether my EXPENSIVE health insurance would cover derby-related tragedies.
And Awwww Yeah to streaming The Current online! When I worked at Thomson, I would listen to 89.3 on my stereo while getting ready for work, on my car stereo driving to work, stream it online 8 - 12 hours/day at work, then again while driving home and getting ready to chill for the night. LOVE The Current. (This, combined with the Rock The Garden ticket promo, convinced me to become a member.) Public Radio in Madison is in it's fledgling stages, and I'd like to get involved & help it develop.
Rumor has it that Flogging Molly LOVED to hang out at the Triple Rock post-show. I might have to try to make it up there again to see them, then go all girl-fan and stalk them at the Triple Rock.
Lol! You and your awesome stories.
@nov_way -
For more go to my last post.
@godfatherofgreenbay - a Zach fan, huh? well, just so you know, he's not in it all that much... but that's pretty cool that you two talk on fb. and, thanks, yeah, this weather is a real pain in the tookus
... and it's not supposed to get warmer than freezing til like sunday ughhhh...
@godfatherofgreenbay -
So true.
@ZepBlueEyedGirl -
Triple Rock is an awesome location. It seemed out of place in the neighbor much like how many of the customers seem out of place in the real world. There was the Lutheran college up the street and then all the Somolian and Muslim businesses on the block. I remember sitting in the bar part was one of the most surreal experiences. I can imagine that is what it was like with Kerouac.
I've written so many emails VOLUNTEERING to do shows on WI public radio. I'd love to have some rock or local music instead of hearing Garrison Keillor struggle for breath.
@Peridot21 -
tookus...that made me LOL
I commented on youtube video of someone from Georgia and he said that there were only 25 snowplows in the state of Georgia. My town of 1300 has at least 5 and then more if you count all the guys who put plows on their pick-ups and people who use farm equipment for snow removal. Good luck.
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