January 19, 2011

  • Motivation

    I’ve decided I’m going to stick around Xanga for quite some time because of something I did over at the Facebook.  Let’s just say I have an elevated sense of myself but then I’m more popular than Jesus…Jones.

    Masturbating in a shower is ok until you lose your gym membership

    Rascal Flatts is the Nickleback of country music.  And why is it that after I listen to Nickleback, I don’t want to shower or clean my hair for months?

    When I was a kid they thought I was dumb for trying to push a round peg into a square slot.  As an adult this behavior is praised.

    I’m trying to figure out what we had before Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, and Xanga.  Bathroom stalls?

    I wouldn’t bang Snookie...oops I mean Cum Ditch...for all the missing teeth in Minnesota.  Sorry to residents of Minnesota, I'm sure you hate having your state mentioned in the same breath as Cum Ditch.  Maybe I should have said "all the missing fingers in Wisconsin".  I think, if you want to be a farmer here, you have to lose multiple fingers.

    Garlic butter and Cocoa butter are not interchangeable as lubes; I learned the hard way.  If you are into cybering, tell the girl that your dick is like a rearview/side mirror, objects are smaller than they appear and if you want to get some go look for pics of girls who make the duck face pose and slap your genitals all over those lips.  The best way to get laid is to treat the queens like trash and the trash like queens.  You could be having great sex right now but you are reading this, way to stick to your priorities.  If a woman who is in an abusive relationship is flirting with you, you better not hit that.  If you ever find yourself in a rough spot in a relationship, ask yourself “what would Tiger Woods do” and then do the opposite.  Guys, if a girl closes her eyes during sex, she’s just not that into you and probably picturing me.  How is a four hour boner a bad side-effect of Viagra?  If sex with your significant other has left you scratching your head, you need to get to a doctor.  If your girlfriend says she’s not attracted to any of her female friends, you need to find her new friends.  If a girl says she doesn’t want to fight that’s code for “You’re wrong and are never going to win no matter what so give me money so I can go shopping.”  Skinny jeans don’t hide fat genes.  I’ve often thought that saving virginity for someone special is like saving a piss or crap for the special toilet and is it any wonder why I am celibate.  I question why God gave women teeth.  Asking a girl at the bar what her zodiac sign is will still not get you laid.  Guys say they shoot from the hip because that is the general location of genitals.  When I see a woman scratching their genitals I am speechless so I let my erection do the talking.  Hot chicks don’t turn me down in my mind.  The biggest part of a relationship is trust; you have to trust that a girl won’t bite your junk.  So I talk a lot about sex because sex is always on my mind because I have been labeled a dickhead…god, I miss my grade school principal...I'm not so little any more, now am I? 

    The best ego-trip these days is to tell all your friends that you are deleting your Xanga or Facebook so you can masturbate to all their comments begging you not to leave.

    And now, your weekly dose of motivation:








    Look at the "Equality" one.  Look at the woman in the upper right corner.  Did I miss Owen Wilson's movie about playing on a hockey team whose mascot was "the Swastikas"?

    Do you think the Zodiac Killer took this new sign into account when he killed people?  Maybe he was trying to tell us that we were wrong and he killed to teach us the error of our zodiac calendar.

    I had a friend invite me out to the Olive Garden yesterday; today I have one less friend.  Chef Boyardee is more Italian than Olive Garden.

    Native American strip clubs never took off because strippers actually did make it rain.

    I’ve hit it big.  I just got an email telling me I won $1,000,000 and all I have to do is give them my name, address, social security number, and credit card information.  Sweet, a million bucks!

    Do you realize how awesome it would be to watch porn at Cowboys Stadium?  We should totally sneak in to watch because it’s not like they’re using it this weekend.

    I am no longer going to use these for my pulses because they take away from these posts as if they really are funny.

    It’s no longer cool to type “that is all” at the end of posts so that is all.

Comments (48)

  • you are a terrible person for that native american joke btw.

    (i'm a worse one for laughing...)

  • Where to start? The Nickleback/Rascal Flatts comparison is DEAD ON. Sadly (but I'll admit), I used to like both of those groups about 6 years ago, for a period of about 8 months. I think I lost my mind.

    I <3 the reproduction photo, LOVE the "Pam" photo (although I still do love Pam, but Erin is so freakin' adorkable!), and OF COURSE I love all the Fav-ruh-ruh ones. The current trendy thing to do? Make lame Bears/Packers jokes that "explain" how stupid/hickish/bask-woodsy Packers fans are. I am HOPING AND PRAYING for a win like there is no tomorrow, and then I will just GO NUTS on all these Bears "fans" - first and foremost, by plastering "Green and Yellow" on every social media site I have.

  • @my_little_niche - 

    Well I know this is a poor excuse but because I have some Native American in my background I hear that it's an acceptable joke. I just hope the tribal elders that said Disney's Pocahontas was offensive don't read this.

  • Yes, bathroom stalls. I wrote on some.
    The "if you have an erection for more than 4 hours..." line...I don't see the down side of that! And that one commercial talks about loss of vision...Hey, I don't care if he can see, as long as he's still got the erection.
    Ha! Why did God give women teeth? HA!
    I try to only scratch my bits and pieces in private.
    I love the public television poster and the birthday one!
    Good stuff, again, M!

  • @ZepBlueEyedGirl - 

    There is just something about Nickleback that never set well with me. I was bombarded with their music living in south central Minnesota. They did a song about spousal abuse and let's just say it was a hit for the wrong reason...oops...hit.

    I don't know, Pam just gets to me sometime but maybe it's because she's married and I can't stand Jim most of the time. I found myself feeling like I was in Andy's shoes when he was trying to woo Erin. Oh that was painfully awkward just like me. I've been taking my time awayfrom Twitter because of all the Bears fans. AsSeenInWI has some fun stuff about the game. I like the entry for January 17th.

  • @adamswomanlost - 

    I have found myself transfixed by bathroom graffiti. It is so interesting that people just write things in those places. Lately all I seem to find are gang signs but oh well, I press on hoping to find my future wife's phone number.
    Well the side effect for vision loss could be helpful in some cases too especially on those nights that a guy downs Viagra and heads out to the bar and the pickings are slim to none.
    I have to ask, another one of your posts disappeared. I was going to go back and find some of those books.
    Glad you enjoyed.

  • @godfatherofgreenbay - 

    See if you can see the post now.
    ?? If not, lay off the Viagra.

  • @godfatherofgreenbay - 

    Oh, I <3 Jim, and initially, Andy annoyed me, but he's really come into his own as a character on the show. In fact, I think the Office has lost a lot of it's original charm, and it's the newer characters that are taking over & keeping it worth watching.

    Are you talking No More Bear Season, or Packers Anthem? And I'm SO happy I looked back a few pages - LOVE "Go You Packers," and I feel the need to try (half) a WI Power bar. But I'm confused. I thought "Manitowoc" was already spelled phonetically.

  • @godfatherofgreenbay - 

    If you're ever traveling through NM there's a bathroom at a gift shop on the highway that puts paper on the walls in the stalls and has pens available...so people can write things...most people tell where they're from, where they're going, what they've seen, and other FUN stuff! It's cool and interesting to read while you're doing your business.

    I asked the checker at the grocery store if "For a good time call"... and my name and phone number" was still on the wall in the men's room. He laughed. I don't know why he thought that was funny.
    ???

  • Before Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, and Xanga there was Yahoo Geocities.

  • @ZepBlueEyedGirl - 

    Andy annoyed me when they were in Stamford but I loved how he would try to become the #2 person at Scranton. I crack up every time I see the episode where he talks about mimicking and repeating and then he and Michael have a conversation and Michael say, "I really like that Andy guy."

    Yeah, the Bears season one. Also that calendar item about how the Packers loaned money to Halas was pretty interesting. Oh yeah, the Wizenheimers...they once performed in my dinky little town and the bar was packed. Cars were lined up for blocks just because of that one damn song. So now whenever a couple friends and I see places in a small town that are crowded we have the phrase, "Crimeny, you'd think the Wizenheimers were in town."

    I love how Manitowoc was spelled phonetically. It reminded me of a girl in college that was riding to Milwaukee with my roommate and I. It was her first time to Milwaukee and we get to Waukesha and she thought the Milwaukee area was quite diverse because there were African named towns. She pronounced it Wah-KEE-shuh

  • @adamswomanlost - 

    Hmm my grandfather had interesting wallpaper at his hunting lodge. It was old Playboys and other adult materials.

    I wonder how many people would write that as they passed through. I'd be tempted to write a few ex's names down.

  • @Rob_of_the_Sky - 

    How could I forget Geocities? I think that place got shut down. My "frat" had a website as did our frat's "Das Boot".

  • @Shining_Garnet - 

    I hope that means you enjoyed

  • You're a bad, bad man.

    ((And I kinda like that about you.))

  • @godfatherofgreenbay - 

    Ah! Yes! Andy annoyed me as part of the Stamford office, too!

    You guys said "Criminy" and not "Cripes"? Are you north or south of Highway 8? hahahaha

    I had a TA in college that was originally from Tennessee. He said he loved living here because all of our towns had such "awesome" names due to our Native American background. This was said POINTEDLY after a kid from Boston tried to insinuate that kids from WI were dumb by reminding us that "Bahstun" was in "Massahchoosets". Ass. (The Bahston kid, natch.)

  • @godfatherofgreenbay - 

    Yeah, it shut down like a year and a half ago. I tried to start a Geocities site, but the site building tool didn't work on my computer so everything I did on there I had to use html (which is a pain in the ass).

  • omg lol that does look like Owen Wilson... too funnyyyy ... oh, and re the deleting your friends thing, yeah, i've had like three or four of my xanga "friends" pulse about "i'm trimming my subs/friends list blahblahblah..."  one person, who hasn't been on xanga in like forever, even wrote a blog about it and asked at the end "do you still want to be my friend?"  idk, i was somehow embarrassed for him... i think he ended up getting like, idk, about 5 or so comments... but i'm betting he was hoping for lotssss more than that ha ;)

  • I saw a woman scratching her genitals at the hospital and she was a nurse. I feared for my life because she worked on the floor I was staying on.

  • I agree with you about the four hour boner...why is priopism considered a negative side effect? Pop a couple of mints and call ME. Damn.

  • disney's "A Bug's Life" has a character named flick! well the time he left resulted in not one cheer until he was truly gone. at this point, I'm here only to disappoint people further.

    well and to pretend it isn't so.

  • LOL at the Public television pic! He wants her cookies!

    That baseball bat on that cake...wow.

    I don't know who Pam is but she's hot!

    "Skinny jeans don’t hide fat genes" LOL! I once heard a comedian say that a woman asked him did some pants look fat on her. He said "no, but that big stomach and thighs of yours do".

  • Facebook seems to get lots of people in trouble.  If I was going to leave xanga facebook would not be an alternative...

  • @NightlyDreams - 

    My facebook is strange, it's basically become an extension of my xanga although there are plenty of things I don't post on facebook

  • Brett Favre is a traitor!
    And "The KKK Took My Baby" by The Ramones is one of my favorite songs so is "Rock 'N High School. Did you that the high school they blow up in the movie of the same name is called Vince Lombardi High School? Just thought you might like to know that.
    And I love Tom Waits. He is a great song writer.

    Facebook got me in a lot of trouble...work related. People could not deal with what I was writing.

  • We actually had face to face communication before everything you mentioned...I am old enough to rember those days....LOL...

  • At least Brent didn't throw a pick in his last play ;)

  • @Peridot21 - 

    I think it proves that time travel exists because how else could you explain Owen Wilson getting work. If he ever makes a movie about hockey, you will know the truth because of this blog.
    Oh that is so bad. I would have went to be his friend just to be kind. One of these days when someone says they are going to leave, and I know I'm guilty of that, but I'm a hypocrite so I'll just say goodbye and the next time they post I'll ask why aren't they gone.

  • @sw33tw3asl3 - 

    Hopefully they had plenty of hand sanitizer on the floor. The last time I was in the hospital with my mystery illness, they had all sorts of masks, gloves, and sanitizers outside my room. I think it kept people away which is good for me.

  • @Sionainne - 

    Ummm I don't have your phone number...zing.

  • @I_once_was - 

    Spoiler alert! Isn't Bug's Life the one Woody Allen did?
    Lately I've had fun being a jerk around here but I don't think people have noticed.

  • @bluepillorredpill - 

    Yeah, Cookie Monster loves his cookies and he's ready to stab for some. I think that sometimes PBS uses those methods to get people to give money.
    That's Erin from The Office. She is the new receptionist.
    I like that line but if I want to live I'll never say it.

  • @NightlyDreams - 

    I've had a couple of friends have to give theirs up because schools they taught at found out and didn't like what they were posting or things they were affiliated with.

  • @Automaton_Emotion - 

    Aw shucks...it's just the way I was made.

  • @Tallman - 

    I wonder if he'll sign a one day contract with the Packers so that he can retire as a Packer officially or maybe he'll wait to see how they do next week and then sign right before the Pro Bowl so he could get a Super Bowl ring. All I know is Aaron Rodgers better look over his back in case Favre is scheming like Tonya Harding did to Nancy Kerrigan.
    I have not seen Rock and Roll High School but it's on my list but that is awesome that it was Lombardi high. I think that was mocking him because of some of his comments about the hippy movement.
    Tom Waits...there are winter days I love to put on his music and just sit and listen to his mournful voice. Most of the time it's during winter and the song I listen to over and over again is "You Can Never Hold Back Spring".
    I've had friends that had to give up their facebook because schools and churches they worked at didn't like that they were out there like that. I have also heard of plenty of people getting in trouble for groups they belonged to or things they said. It's sad, I thought we had freedom of speech here but I guess not if it offends anyone.
    It's hard to believe that it's been so long since face to face or even just phones were the main form of communication. It seems like most phones these days aren't even primarily used as telephones but texting and cameras.

  • @kachino - 

    Wasn't he knocked out?

  • @godfatherofgreenbay - 

    it makes the whomp daily dining a lil bit creamier ;)
    being blind blissfully excuses me from the obligation of noticing as much. ;)

  • @godfatherofgreenbay - 

    Thank God for that ... otherwise he would have thrown a pick and would probably come back for another season to erase that memory ...

  • I like your year book picture! LMAO!!!

  • @godfatherofgreenbay - ha good for you... and what do they say when you ask why aren't they gone? ... oh, and i just remembered another of my xanga friends that blogged that he was leaving for six months or something cause he was "sick of this place!" (he actually kind of yelled it) ... yeah, he was gone for four days. lolol

  • @Peridot21 - 

    When I've asked people, in fact just recently when someone claimed to leave because of a blocked person, I get no response.
    We have to face facts...Xanga is crack.

  • @ZepBlueEyedGirl - 

    Oh we say Criminey Cripes but only when it's called for. Most of the time it's just criminey or cripes.

  • @rickystarrr - 

    That most definitely has to be a first for high school photos

  • @godfatherofgreenbay - yep, you got it exactly right.  xanga = crack (...and there's really no helping us) ;)

  • @Peridot21 - 

    well we could move on to a harder drug like say facebook but I am weening myself off that

  • @godfatherofgreenbay - 

    they could always privatize it... personalize it to only friends.

  • @NightlyDreams - 

    True but there are times when I don't think that works.

Comments are closed.

Post a Comment