January 22, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 1/21/11

  I love you guys.  I really do.  I am dying here so because I am a man I turn into a baby when I get sick.  I'm looking for someone to come take care of me not in a Mulberry Street way but in a "oh you poor baby let's get you some soup and in bed" type of way.  Please.  Oh well no takers...not surprised.  Anyway, I was going to try something new but I can't because I can't speak.  Shucks!  Some images not safe for work or life...NSFW and NSFL.
  
  I am getting sick and damn tired of Will Smith's spawn ruining my childhood favorites.  First we had his son ruin Karate Kid and now his daughter Willow is set to ruin another childhood favorite.  She's starring in a remake of Annie.  Yes, I like musicals and yes, I'm straight.  Big whoop, wanna fight about it?  Why can't they just let movies be?  Why do they think we need remake after remake?  Oh and Jay-Z is attached to do the music.  Figures, since he sampled the hell out of Annie to make a name for himself in white suburbia.
  
  Slash pretty much ruined his chances for being on Glee.  This week he said that Glee was horrible and worse than Grease.  I know what he means.  I'd rather have my fingernails pulled out than watch John Travolta prancing around pretending to be straight and love women.  Suddenly all the kids who love Glee and illegally download all of Slash's music hate him.  I bet he really feels sad.  By the way, where can I get that shirt?
  
  Sandra Bullock is denying reports that she split Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johanssen.  Scarlett has made comments in the press about Sandra stealing Ryan.  I don't believe it at all.  What guy would go from Scarlett to a woman that looks like the Shaggy Dog?  All I know is Sandra's cheating on her hair stylist.   Yes, I'm catty and yes, I'm trying to be the next Karl Lagerfeld but I love big girls and girls in general.
  
  Sammy Sosa was photographed recently and he continues to get whiter or maybe he's auditioning for White Chicks 2.  Seriously, what's wrong with him?  Oh yeah, the steroids are catching up with him.
  
  Octomom was on Oprah and she got bitched out by Suze Ormann for not having any money.  Well Octomom came up with a solution.  She appeared in a fetish video that features her whipping a man dressed as a baby.  Since I can't figure out how to embed videos from Harvey Levin's Twenty Mile Zone, here's the video over at his site.  I wonder where her kids were because that's an awful lot of kids to round up.  Maybe if she runs out of money again she can be on Hoarders for hoarding children.  Also, if you watch the video, I think they used her kids' toys so I hope they sprayed them down with disinfectant.  So I'm not into the fetish scene.  I mean my biggest fetish is that I really enjoy naked ladies.  What type of person gets off watching a man in a diaper being whipped by a woman with 14 kids?  I don't get it and this is coming from a guy who enjoyed Sears catalogs, not Victoria's Secret but honest to God Sears catalogs.  It was all we could have in the dorms when I was in high school.  They did room searches but they never confiscated the Sears.  Oh well, doing fetish videos is better than collecting welfare.
  
  Miranda Kerr posed with her son Flynn this week and posted this picture on her blog.  How cute!  So big and precious!  Soft...fatty...I could kiss it forever...and the kid is cute too.
  
  Mila Kunis looks hot. I guess she no longer has to stress about pretending to love Macauly Culkin.
  
  But then Macauly Culkin has fired back with the best rebound in recorded history.  He has been spotted with Spanish porn star Irene Lopez.  So he gets dumped by a woman who's out of his league only to hook-up with a porn star so basically it's your average day for Charlie Sheen.
  
  Michael C. Hall was at the Golden Globes this week.  You know that beard makes Dexter even creepier...if that is possible.  Maybe he's trying to get in character for a new movie where he plays Santa's younger, demented and psychotic brother.
  
  Kevin Costner turned 56 this week.  I didn't think he was that old, I actually thought he was older.  I don't get the glasses.  Maybe he was auditioning for a movie about Jeffery Dahmer.  Too bad he didn't get that part and it went to Jeremy Renner.
  
  I seriously hate Ke$ha.  She has made claims that she knew all their was to know about sex by the age of 7.  Yeah right!  I'm a few years old and I just learned about the Sacramento Turtleneck.  What 7 year old knows that or the Cleveland Steamer with reverse teabag?  She also said that her mom would leave her at home with a credit card and a box of condoms.  Hopefully someone leaves Ke$ha a bottle of bleach so she can kill all the parasites on her body.  Well the lies are all catching up with her.  She has also claimed that her father has been absent from her life.  Too bad her dad has come forward and said she was a part of his life for 19 years and that she lived with him for that long.  Hopefully she's just making that up to sell records and she'll disappear.
  
  Jesse James is now engaged to Kat Von D and wants to get married as soon as possible because marriage vows and commitments mean so much to him.  He has said that Kat is his best friend and the best thing to ever happen to him.  Oddly enough, he once said that about Sandra Bullock.  OK, maybe this is sick, but I wonder if when they have sexy times and it gets all hot and sweaty do their sheets get stained by all the ink.
  
  This is former Playboy Playmate Jenna Bentley.  She appears to be out shopping for Sunday church clothing.  I'm sure this outfit will be the most demure thing she'd wear to church.
  
  Damn, Hayden Panetierre had to ruin that outfit by wearing pasties.  I can't believe their so bland and not ornate like Janet Jackson's.  I guess since her boyfriend is so tall, pasties are the least of her worries.  I hear she has to cover her belly button.
  
  George Clooney has been in Africa trying to get people concerned about Sudan.  He caught malaria and his doctor said he was cured but it took a long time.  See the surefire way to be cured is to not be smug for 24 hours but that's impossible for George.  Hopefully he catches the laryngitis I have.  The doctor also said that George has been sleeping a lot lately but it's not from malaria, it's from being old.
  
  You know, if that homeless guy in the hat were to shower less, he could be a Gary Busey lookalike.  Oops...those teeth, yep, that's Gary.  How do they let him out in public?
  
  Elton John and his partner posed with their son Zachary Jackson Levon.  I'm surprised Elton didn't get the kid a set of dentures to fit in.  THOSE TEETH!  I saw the cover at the grocery store today and couldn't stop laughing.  Oh and I have a new saying...Happiness is a baby in a pair of overalls.
  
  Dolly Parton turned 65 this week and it's great to see that certain parts of her are finally legal...oh wait, maybe they've been legal for a few years now.  She is at retirement age so maybe she can retire the implants.
  
  Despite not having any real evidence, Cum Ditch made this claim.  If it's true, the apocalypse is upon us ladies and gentlemen.  Maybe the reason why the book hasn't appeared on the list is because her deal with the devil is still pending since she hasn't produced any children.
  
  Cameron Diaz appears to be destitute and in desperate need of work.  She's wearing a potato sack for Pete's sake!  Also don't ever sell marijuana to Cameron.  She was on the George Lopez show this week and talked about how she bought weed from one of her high school classmates.  It turned out her classmate was Snoop Dogg.  And now Cameron's connections have all dried up.  You don't talk, snitch.
  
  Betty White turned 89 this week.  She is the holy grail or holy golden girl.  Quick, we must preserve her.  Someone call Jabba the Hut so we can get some of that carbonite.  TV Land threw her a party this week.  I wonder how badass it was.  Rumor has it that Betty passed out and woke up in Tijuana.
  
  AnnaLynne McCord took time out of her busy schedule of _______ to pet one of her furry friends.  Come on, you two, get a doghouse.  Seriously, don't do that in public; it looks bad.
  
  Wow, there's something about Adam Lambert that looks different.  Maybe he's trying out for RuPaul's Drag Race.  Wait...that's Lambert walking the carpet for the premier of the new season of Drag Race.  It all makes sense...it all makes sense.
  
  Adrianne Curry may have lost the Twitter war to Coco and her Thong-Thursday but Adrianne has now mastered the webcam.  The ball is in your court now, Coco.  Yes, Adrianne puts on a helluva show.  Now I don't feel so bad for staying in on a Saturday night.

  Video Section
  Ricky Gervais seriously pissed off the Church of Scientology.  Is he still alive?
  
  I hope everyone is having a swell weekend.  Remember me and how sick I am when you're having fun.

  • 6:42 PM
  • 27 Comments