January 27, 2011
-
---Update---My Two and a Half Men script
---Update--- A few people mentioned that I forgot to add the character "Berta". Well here is the updated script. Oh and there are reports swirling that Charlie Sheen was rushed to the hospital this morning. My theory is that he saw this post and laughed so hard it made his appendix explode. Either that or he overdosed or his intestine herpes are flaring up again.
For a long time I’ve been an aspiring comedy writer. I was getting interest in some of my non-Xanga writings but the writers strike blew my chances of getting into the business. I am trying again but I find that living in the wilderness is hurting my chances. Anyway, enough of my bitching, here’s a script I wrote for Two and a Half Men.
In case you don't know this show, here's the cast.
Hi, I’m Charlie. I’m a sex fiend and booze hound
Hi, I’m Allen. I’m neurotic and quite possibly a closeted homosexual.
Hi, I’m Jake. I am a complete dumbass. Ha…I said ass.
Hi, I’m Evelyn and Charlie and Allen are the children I don’t deserve.
Hi, I’m Rose. I’m completely obsessed with Charlie although I’m hot enough to land any guy on the planet, I keep trying to score a syphilis ridden Charlie.
Hi, I'm Berta. I'm Charlie's wise-cracking house keeper. I clean his house because he's too busy trolling for skanks.
Hi, I’m whore #38 and I’m only vital to this storyline.
Canned laughter is in italicsScene one
Charlie’s house. *Drinking Irish coffee* I’m drunk and I think women are nothing more than sex toys.
HAHAHAHAHA
*Allen doing something neurotic* Charlie, that’s not right. You’re impossible. *Allen does something slightly revealing his homosexuality*
HAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Allen's latent homosexuality*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Shouting from other room* Uncle Charlie, my hand is stuck in the dvd player
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why did I have children? You two are worthless.
HAHAHAHAH
*Climbing up deck* Charlie can you taste the roofies I put in your coffee?
HAHAHAHA
No, Rose, even though you spike my drinks and I love you and to hide my feelings for you I use women like toilet paper, you will never have me.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh we’ll see about that.
HAHAHAHAScene two
Charlie’s house
Charlie, how can you say I’m just a sex toy?
HAHAHA
I’m drunk and horny!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Charlie, that is reprehensible!
HAHAHAHA
Charlie, I’m leaving you!
AWWW
Fine, that means more booze for me.
HAHAHAHAHA
Charlie, I can’t believe you!
HAHAHA
Yes, Charlie if you were my son I’d be ashamed to be your mother!
HAHAHAHAHA
Pour me a drink!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Charlie's alcoholism and STDs*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Popping up from deck* I hear you’re single.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Beat it, Rose!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Shoot, the roofies haven’t worked
HAHAHAHAHA
Hey, Uncle Charlie, my hand is stuck in a peanut butter jar.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAScene 3
Charlie’s house Charlie, are you ready to talk?
*crickets*
Yes, I’ve learned a valuable lesson and you’re more than a sex toy. You’re a sex robot.
HAHAHAHAHA
Charlie that is despicable!
HAHAHA
It’s just the booze talking. I love whore #38.
AWWW
Well I still love you even though it's clear that no one understands the meaning of the word love!
AWWWW
Charlie even though I despise your very being, you’re my brother and I appreciate you, now I’m off to go hang out at the adult video arcade hoping that someone joins me in the booth and then contemplate suicide.
HAHAHAHAHA
Yes, Charlie you are a great person and it’s good to hear you learned your lesson. I suppose I will admit you are my child.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
*On back deck, looking in* Darn, I need to get more roofies, seems he’s built a tolerance.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Hey Uncle Charlie, my penis is covered with peanut butter and stuck in the dvd player. Can you believe I make $400,000 per episode?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Allen's poor parenting and Jake's inability to please women in the future.*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Time to start a new bottle.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAMaybe this will help me get back into writing.
Comments (70)
Dude Hours Productions has given me the ok to offer you a job as a script writer. Contact me via yahoo messenger.
Peace out.
This rocks tha funniness so much.
this is incredible. You cheered me up an intense amount.
Hahahaha, you know what though? Charlie does drink some good scotch on the show. For what it is, and I know people love to hate on this how (especially on reddit) but I still do enjoy it. At the end of the credits, the show's creator usually writes a sometimes very long winded message to the audience. It's usually quite funny.
Y'know, Michigan has quite the booming movie production scene as of late... Just sayin'.
Also, are you sure this wasn't already an episode? You didn't submit this script to them, did you? I think you got ripped off, old boy.
um...yeah. we'll get back to you.
@HoursProductions -
Awesome...I'll get to you as soon as I get my messenger working again.
@dirtbubble -
Thanks a lot, I really do hope it gets me back in NBC's rolodex
@winterEnds -
Glad to hear.
@supanamja -
I don't mind the show because it does have memorable moments although there is such an obvious formula.
Chuck Lorre does that with all his shows...Two and a Half Men, The Big Bang Theory, and Mike and Molly. I have watched TBBT on DVD and had to slow down the end credits just to see what he wrote. There's always some interesting stuff.
@Automaton_Emotion -
I was in Minneapolis at the time of the strike and so many shows have their writers in the Cities. It was interesting meeting up with those people. It got to be where you could tell on sitcoms where the writers were from based on the dialogue and colloquialisms.
Jeez...they probably stole it.
@complicatedlight -
Man...I'm Jewish and I don't know law and I'm not funny. Might as well give it all up.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Ok dude. We could have some fun with script writing.
You forgot the crazy title that is said during the show and the "moral" at the end. And what about Berta?
(Does it show that I'm a fan of this show? lol)
True, there is an obvious formula but them 'memorable moments' make up for them, like you said. Hopefully you'll get to be one of them writers! (but in a much better show)
Where's Berta? You must write MORE!!
P.S.- That was hilarious!
@godfatherofgreenbay - aw. waitaminute, you're what?
Hey, I LIKE THIS SHOW!
Still, this was pretty funny.
you got the plot and the roles down pat. pretty funny stuff.
@nattata -
I figure that the new ads will be my crazy titles. OH yeah, I forgot Berta...I'll have to update later.
@nov_way -
Yeah, it is a dream but it's fading
@Sionainne -
Thanks, I'll have to write in Berta's character later...shouldn't be that difficult.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
I was not aware of that. I do like his messages a lot. That show, formulaic as it is, was a lot funnier when the kid was actually a kid.
@Unstoppable_Inner_Strength -
I like the show too although I haven't seen many recent episodes.
@RushmoreJ -
Thanks a lot
@supanamja -
Watch the numbers on the messages on consecutive episodes. They "skip" because the other shows have that number. So Two and a Half Men would be 1, TBBT would be 2 and Mike and Molly is 3. I sort of like how they do that. I'd love to see them all put together which I'm sure is bound to happen.
Nice. Has this episode aired? I feel like I've seen this one.
lmfao
@godfatherofgreenbay -
I'll def keep an eye out for that. Btdubs, I appreciate the reciprocal nature of your profile picture.
Well done!
For some reason this show seems to be the only thing on when ever I end up in the hospital. I think it's probably punishment for something, but I can't figure out what I've done that is so reprehensible.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
Seriously there are comedy show writers in the Twin Cities? There's hope for me yet! I think we're so funny here because we're close to Canada.
lolol
Seriously Dude we should write a script like Kevin Smith did with Clerks. That movie is classic. We just need a Jay and a Silent Bob type. We can base the films in Pittsburgh. I can help you write the scripts. It would make Xangans explode with laughter.
Nicely done! It was funny on two levels.
I love Chuck Lorre's notes. I always pause em when I watch one of his shows.
@ItIsAllGravy -
I bet someone stole the episode I wrote
@paulinemalpage -
Thank you, glad you enjoyed
@supanamja -
Well I try...when I see that troll face I love to counter with the new one
@throughthinking -
During the writers' strike the biggest strikes were in Minneapolis which was so surprising. The people I talked with were from now defunct shows, a couple of which could still be on the air.
@nattata -
Her character writes itself
@HoursProductions -
I actually have a few ideas so I'll have to get them down on paper
@distractedbyzombies -
I sort of would like to do that but then I'd be called a copy cat. Maybe if I ever hit it big, I'd insert Xangans into the credits.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Thats a good idea. I was thinking maybe if we make it big we can actually make a movie about Xanga, not how the company got started, but how the community did. We could call it Xanga World. It could be a hit, look what The Social Network has done.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
That would be cool, to be sure. But his notes are really just blog entries. I think he even said that in one of them.
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!!! XD
I've never seen this show. I've kind of given up on sitcoms. Never liked them.And moved into t.v series on t.v Funny though.
Berta makes all the difference.
I enjoyed this!Funny stuff, M.! Creative idea!
My fav's on the show are Charlie's therapist, Berta, and Rose.
I can't believe the three males on the show make the $$$ per episode that they do. I guess they are the "stars". With most shows, I always seem to like the minor characters better anyway.
HUGS!
You do have the story line down. Of corse now you have to put in the depressing parts about now having a "girlfriend" with Charlie. I haven't watched many of the latest episodes but the ones I left off with he was always depressed he didn't have the girlfriend and kept hiring hookers for the girlfriend experience.
@HoursProductions -
I think I'd like to do a movie on the trolls and the lengths they go to to mock people
@godfatherofgreenbay - That would be a great idea.
@distractedbyzombies -
I believe you're correct. The only ones I've really read are the episodes of TBBT I've seen on DVD.
@LadyMira -
Oh man, I wish I could have found that sound bite.
@Hinase -
I've really hated what's become of tv with all the reality shows.
@Unstoppable_Inner_Strength -
her character writes itself
@adamswomanlost -
I am just shocked and get depressed when I hear that kid makes that much per episode.
@NightlyDreams -
Talk about life imitating art
@godfatherofgreenbay -
i do too. Tv is no fun watching nowadays because of reality tv. Luckily, I do not have cable anymore lol
@godfatherofgreenbay -
It's been a while since I've been on f7u12. I was not aware that there was a new trollface. *heads over to reddit*
@godfatherofgreenbay -
Unless you're a btard... but then again I rarely ever go there.
@Hinase -
lately most all I watch is ESPN and local stations so I should probably ditch the cable
@supanamja -
Rules 1 and 2
that's hilarious
@godfatherofgreenbay -
i jave netflix so no use for cable
yeah, you might have to
I hate this fucking show!
But you're post is funny assss hell!
@NewDog2 -
Thanks
@SignificanceOfTheMightyClit -
Well I am grateful you like my post.
@godfatherofgreenbay - welcome.
@SignificanceOfTheMightyClit - how can anybody hate that show, is what I have to wonder haw haw.
you really hit it. i love two and ahalf men. i wish sheen would
get his shit together and realize what a gold mine he has in it...
you did great....perfect!
@LUNAPHIA -
Thanks, glad you liked. At least his most recent hospital trip wasn't as serious as everyone thought and he was released this morning.
Comments are closed.