January 28, 2011
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Pawn Stars script
I guess after writing my Two and a Half Men script, the writing bug has taken me over even if people don't read it. A lot of people may not realize it but the reality shows are scripted or at least they have writers to make up storylines to keep the shows interesting. Don't believe me? Check the credits. I've decided to dabble with Pawn Stars. Pawn Stars is probably one of the few reality shows that I think is decent but that's mostly because of the historical content of the items that people attempt to sell at the shop. It's hard to believe that show has survived. When I first heard about it being on History Channel, I figured it wouldn't last but it has and it's inspired many other pawn shop shows across my cable box. There is even an app on Facebook based on Pawn Stars. It has really taken off and now I want a piece of the action.
Cast:
Rick Harrison, owner of the Gold and Silver Pawn Shop. Rick has a lot of friends and has said that to be in the pawn business you have to be shrewd and cheap. Trust me, Rick is the shrewdest and cheapest.
Old Man, Rick's father. He is a cantankerous old man and he finds fault in everything.
Corey "Big Hoss" Harrison, son of Rick. He has been handed everything in life with a silver spoon. Rocks have more common sense and charisma than Big Hoss.
Chumlee, a mentally handicapped friend of Big Hoss. If you thought Big Hoss was stupid, your brain will bleed at Chumlee's doltishness.
Sellers are going to try to make some money.
Expert, Rick's friend who knows everything there is to know about anything. Even though he looks Amish, he can make or break your deal at the Gold and Silver Pawn Shop.Outside Gold and Silver Pawn
I'm here today to sell my one of a kind item at the Pawn Shop today. I hope to get $5,000,000.
Inside Gold and Silver Pawn
Hi, what can I do for you today?
I possess Hitler's mustache and would like to sell it today. I found it at a garage sale in Union Center, WI and I need the money.
Hitler's mustache? Do you have paperwork to verify that?
Yes, right here. It's in perfect condition.
You see, son, I'm not sure about this because in those days a lot of people had mustaches.
I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm going to call my friend who's an expert at Hitler's mustaches and he'll appraise it for us.Outside Gold and Silver Pawn
I'm here today to sell my one of a kind automobile that is powered by Twinkies.
Hi, what can I do for you today?
I have this car that's powered by Twinkies and I'd like to sell it for $20,000?
Well it only has 3 wheels, there's no windshield, it's leaking numerous fluids. My dad would kill me if I bought it.
Come on, Big Hoss, TWINKIES!
How about $18,000?
Gee, I have to make money and I don't think there's much of a market for Twinkie powered cars.
Exactly, you'd be the first and you'd make us famouser.
You would be the only person in the world to have a Twinkie powered car.
You drive a hard bargain. Deal, $18,000.
I'll go do the paperwork as long as I can drive it first.Scene 2
Earlier today we had a guy come in trying to sell us Hitler's mustache. I have a friend who's an expert at Hitler's mustaches coming in.
Hi, Rick. What do you have for me?
I bought Hitler's mustache at a garage sale.
Ah, yes...Hitler's mustache. See many people wore mustaches in those day and I've seen a lot of fakes but this is Hitler's mustache and you can tell here by the anti-Semitic remarks ingrained in the hair. I'd say at auction, this mustache would fetch $5,000,000.
Thanks for coming in, expert. Now, how much do you want to sell it for?
Well, expert said it was worth $5,000,000 so how about $5,000,000?
No, you damn fool! We're a business and we need to make money.
He's right. I need to make money and I don't think there's a market out there looking to buy Hitler's mustache. How about $5?
Really? How about 2,000,000?
The best I can do is $25 and that's really putting my business at risk.
OK, deal.
Lets go do the paperwork and you can watch me write the price tag for the price I'll sell it at...$5,000,000.
Ah son, you damn fool, you're going to drive me to the poor house. A tick hound with fleas on his balls has more sense than you. I need to lie down.Scene 3
Hi, how can I help you today?
I have the Shroud of Turin and I'd like to sell it.
Isn't that a video game? Why does it look like a stained table clothe?
You damn fool, you're giving me chest pains.
Hahaha...I work with idiots. Do you have any paperwork?
No but the guy I bought it from guaranteed it was real.
Well I'd need to call in my friend who's an expert at the Shroud of Turin to find out if this is real. I like it and I'm insulting you questioning it's authenticity.
Well, Rick, I was just hanging around in the parking lot because I knew you'd need help because you don't know anything about anything.
Well, Expert, is this the Shroud of Turin?
Yes, and here's proof, smell it. That is 100% Jesus. I'd say it's worth about $5,000.
Thanks for hanging out in the parking lot. How much do you want to sell it for?
Well I'd like at least $4,000
See I have to eat and as you can see by my friends and family, we really like to eat. I'll have to pass.
Come on, Rick. You could wear it like a cape and fly around Las Vegas because you'd have Jesus' super powers.
OK, and because I like you and I like Jesus, I'll offer $2,500.
Deal.
OK let's go fill out paperwork and you can watch me sell it for millions.
You are going to be the death of me.Scene 4
Earlier today I bought a Twinkie powered car. Chumlee and I took it to a body shop to have it fixed up. They charged us $100,000 so now I've put $118,000 into this car. My dad is going to kill me. He's going to kill me even more because when we drove it home, Chumlee started to eat the Twinkies and the car lost power and crashed into a light pole. The Twinkie powered car is totaled.
You lost that much money? You idiot!
Oh I'm going to take a nap on a pile of money or I'll have a heart attack.
We'll be OK, I bought Hitler's mustache and that will make us a lot of money. Wait, where's Hitler's mustache? OOPS! I thought it was a Cheeto.
Oh you damn fool. You are about as worthless as a pig with hooves stuck in the mud on a wagon wheel.
OK, we have the Shroud of Turin to help us make money.
Yeah, I sort of got sick after eating the Hitler Cheeto.
That's it! Chumlee it's coming out of your paycheck and it's also coming out of your paycheck, Cory, because I expect you to keep your retarded friend Chumlee on a leash.
That's not fair! How am I supposed to buy Ed Hardy clothes that don't fit? Oh yeah, you give me everything I want so no big deal.
Oh you damned fools, I'm going to go kill myself because all of you are like the snake with it's ass in the wagon wheel stuck in molasses on the hottest day of the year.Roll credits.
Comments (32)
what is the deal with all these shows starring scummy jerkholes the likes of which i hate because every dealing i ever had with 'em made me feel violated like a housecat fucked by a buffalo... sleep on a pile of money is right.
on the other hand i must admit that show *is* rather entertaining.
meOW!
Sometimes I accidentally leave the History Channel on after finishing such great shows like "Ancient Aliens", "Histories Mysteries", or "The Naked Archaeologist", and Pawn Stars comes on, and I always, ALWAYS feel like killing myself afterwards. Nicely done.
I agree that there must be a lame script for these shows but I have no idea why would anyone feel the need to torture themselves like that. haha @famouser.
@complicatedlight -
There are times on that show when people are down on their luck and want a few bucks and then the pawn shop rips them off. I also hate how that Rick makes people feel like idiots if they have something that isn't real. There is one episode where a lady brought in what she thought was an elephant tusk but he basically called her a fool.
@Shy___Away -
I remember the good old days when History Channel aired shows about history.
@nov_way -
Yeah, Chumlee really does torture people with his stupidity.
Haaa. loved it. A lot of that show seems incredibly scripted. You should write for them ;]
This is hilarious!
This is pretty funny/
lol.. well done. I hate that show. hahaha.. the expert hanging around the parking lot kills me
@WordsandThoughts -
I've always wanted to figure out how they just happen to get the people with the products to come into the store when cameras are present. Oh yeah, it has to be scripted.
@klberry514 -
Thanks
awwww, you forgot to mention the redemption- these guys remain in business because eople buy and sell stuff. however retarded the purchases, they do alright with them
@Shining_Garnet -
Thank you
@spititoutalready -
I don't mind it because there is some historical content. I really don't like a lot of the other shows that feature nothing historical like the show they had about racing or all the ones about cutting trees and driving truck. I DON'T GET IT!
@I_once_was -
yeah, I always want to see the show where they sell the items they bought and see how much of a profit they make. You somewhat get a sense of that with the American Pickers show.
Spot ON!! Well played, sir - well played, indeed.
But confession: I'd love to cruise around with Old Man in one of his classic 'mobiles, and just listen to him bitch about EVERYTHING. It'd be great.
@ZepBlueEyedGirl -
yeah, I have to admit he has some great rides. I'd love one of his old-school Lincolns with the suicide doors.
This makes me moist...:)
haha! Too funny. Spot on, I'd say.
Yes, I am positive many of them are scripted. American Idol, for example. Chris Wylde was on there as one of the 'bad singers' one time. I think when they saw how popular the ridiculously bad people were, they took steps to have plenty of entertaining ones on the show. You can tell some of them are acting.
I like this show, seriously, I do. They do get some fascinating things coming through the doors.
They are there to make money, not to make people feel good, or solve their problems.Making money is the name of the game.
I was an Antique Dealer for 15 years. I paid top dollar for top quality...but I had to make money.
One of the reasons I closed my shop (and many of my colleagues did too) was because of the Antiques Roadshow. With the way they inflate values, people got ridiculously greedy thinking what they had was worth as much as 10 times over market value...because "I saw the exact same thing on the Roadshow and it's worth X dollars". Horseshit. They use phrases like "I think at auction this would bring..." or I think the insurance value should be...". I can insure my toenail clippings for a million bucks if I want to, doesn't mean they are worth that.
Things are worth what you can get for them, the more the better.Pawn Stars is fairly accurate and entertaining. Try watching "Hardcore Pawn" and compare. Now that show sucks!
There's actually a pawn shop show? Seriously?
Right on the money.
@RestlessButterfly -
I hope that is a good thing
@distractedbyzombies -
Yeah they have to script the American Idol auditions because so many of those people have feature pieces. Why would they pick just random people to do features about what they do for a living? I remember one year they were in Minneapolis and the first televised audition was this woman who was working at a beauty parlor and they interviewed her customers and showed her working. She starts singing and she's tone deaf. Has to be scripted. I tend to really follow the website VoteForTheWorst once the voting shows begin.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
Sure it is.
@Bricker59 -
I have seen a few episodes of that Hardcore Pawn and like most of the shows on truTV I wasn't impressed.
@comet555 -
There are a few actually. Pawn Stars, Hardcore Pawn, and I can't remember the name of the third. Another show I've caught is called Storage Wars and it follows three guys that go and bid on storage unit auctions.
@dangerousdan58 -
You should have paid them a visit when you were out there.
@godfatherofgreenbay - The place is right on the strip, relatively close to the Stratosphere. We drove by there a few times the last trip and they had pretty big lines to get in. I noticed they had put up a cheesy looking "as seen on TV" sign on their building.
@dangerousdan58 -
I had a friend tell me that had that sign up and when he saw it he said that it looked like it was a sign you buy in the hardware section of a Walmart. He thought Chumlee probably taped it to the side of the building.
Everyone at work is giving me the evil eye because I am clearly laughing and enjoying life far more than they are right now.
Thank you.