February 9, 2011

• Motivation

  Damn, it’s cold.  Maybe that’s nature’s way of telling me I need to wear more than a fur sweater and tank top.

  Instead of this post, I was going to post about erectile dysfunction but for some reason I couldn’t get it up.

  I learned my lesson about drinking after the Super Bowl.  I woke up in a gas station parking lot wearing nothing but a beer koozie.

  My penis made a guest appearance at Burger King today.  Next time I’ll have to check my zipper.

  If you say “Git-r-dun” one more time I may have to say “kill-u-wit-a-gun”

  The only thing Facebook and Xanga have in common is that you can block annoying users.  I just logged into Facebook and it hasn’t changed, still just a bunch of people faking that they’re happy.  But lately Xanga has seemed like a clogged toilet, same shit every day.  And if you can’t say anything nice about someone on Xanga, just make a protected post about them and take them off your list.  And the reason I share my funnies here is not because I no longer dream of being a comedy writer because it’s no longer who you know but who you blow and saying you’re a big deal on Xanga will never get you laid.

  My “honk if you’re horny” bumper sticker only works when I slam on my brakes in the middle of traffic.

  And now for your weekly motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I was trying to read up on the crisis in Egypt but I don’t understand hieroglyphics.

  I wonder what would happen if I mixed Viagra and Ambien.  You don’t need love to have sex and you don’t need sex to be in love but then falling in love is like jumping off a cliff, it doesn’t hurt until the end.  Sex is more effective than valium.  Girls, never complain about a facial, it’s not like you can’t see it cumming.  Girls, when you are considering dating a guy make sure you ask yourself, “Can he be trusted with my nude pics?”  Why is it that every time I buy tampons that they need to do a price check?  Ladies, when you say “You’re done already,” guys hear, “I win.”  We just want to win the race.  Guys, you shouldn’t be asking if your penis is too small but if you girl’s vagina is too big.  There is nothing wrong in fantasizing about having sex with your girlfriend’s mom because it’s simply foreshadowing.  If at first you don’t succeed, try their friend.  Ladies, you should fart and burp on the first date and if he doesn’t run then you have a keeper.  Guys, you should fart and burp on the first date and if she doesn’t run then you have a keeper.  I hate when people say “chewing out someone’s ass” because it brings up horrible mental images.  Girls, if you have an opinion don’t share it until he puts a ring on your finger.  Girls, never laugh at the size of a guy’s penis in front of him, do it behind my back.  I dig girls with split personalities as long as one of those personalities is a cook and the other is a whore.  There is nothing wrong with saying “I love you” if it leads to sex.  There is plenty of time to break up with your significant other to avoid paying for Valentine’s presents and if your boyfriend only gives you flowers and chocolates it’s because he bought his real girlfriend jewelery.

  I’m replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men but they will change the name to Three and a Quarter Men.

  Tosh.O has 4 million fans on Facebook.  I wonder how many fans I’d have if I wasn’t funny.
  

  The reason I like going nude in my house is because I like to think that maybe I’m giving someone a show.
  

  I think I’d rather watch black guys pee than the Black Eyed Peas.  I think a lot of people liked the Steelers to win because they knew Ben Rothelisberger can score against someone’s will.  It’s also good that the Packers won because I don’t think Big Ben should be allowed near Disney.
  

  I’m going to start calling my followers, my “godchildren”.
  

  I’m sort of upset; my girlfriend already has a date for Valentine’s Day.  So…ORGY…who’s with me?  Or at least a game of naked Twister?

  • 10:33 PM
  • 48 Comments