February 10, 2011

• Questions with the Godfather and his Cock 2/9

  There seems to be four formulas for writing blogs on Xanga.  One formula is to present a situation or story and then to ask a question of the readers.  Another formula is the rant.  Some people are quite excellent with the rant and this is all they blog.  Another formula is the artistic post.  People write stories, poems, post music or post artwork that that they have painted.  The final formula is the advice column.
  The first formula isn't quite my style.  My professors in college, doctors of education, said it was great to ask children questions and let them find the answer for themselves but you need to provide guidance and not just stand back and let all hell break loose.  Rants are great and I have tried them but usually I rant when my blood pressure is high or I have had about enough of idiocracy in my life.  Art isn't my thing.  I struggle with creating anything that might be called artistic.  I think writing or comedy is my art and that has been called into question. 
  So that leaves me with the advice column.  It's simple, just like me.  I am going to attempt an advice column however I cannot do this alone.  I scoured the internet looking for a writing partner but my quest turned up nada.  I was sitting in my living room when the perfect candidate popped up.  I hope my co-author will rise to the occasion and give you much pleasure. 

  Ladies and gentlemen, friends and fellow Xangans, I now expose my co-author of this advice column:

  My Cock
  
  Cocky McCockburns

  Me: We started writing these two years ago and I see so many people make the "cock" joke.
  Cocky:  OH and I suppose you're going to take credit for it?  Sort of like the person on Xanga who took credit for inventing the interview?
  Me: No, but I've grown tired of not getting on the front page.
  Cocky: Oh God, Xanga envy.
  Me: No it's just that you see posts that get there where the person put absolutely no effort into the post but for some reason it makes it to the top.
  Cocky: Maybe you need to quit being a little bitch, grow a pair of balls, and kiss some ass by making friends.
  Me: But that would sell out my ideals.
  Cocky: This coming from a guy who masturbates to music videos on MTV Jams.
  Me: Anyway...Cocky, are you ready?
  Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
  Me: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.
  

  

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  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  My 14 year old son is starting to date and I am afraid to talk to him about sex.  I'm a single mother and his father, well he shouldn't be allowed to speak to anyone about sex.  I don't want to be a grandmother before I have grey hair.  What should I do?
                                                                    Mary in Minneapolis
  Me: This is a tough subject to bring up with your child but you want to be open and upfront about sex.  Tell him about it as soon as you can.  Discuss stds and protection.  I might also ask your father to come in and talk to your son.  Another thing you might want to think about is making protection available.
  Cocky: YOU BLEEDING HEART FAIRY!  Lady, you set the child down and lock him in a room and force him to watch Busty Cops and Busty Cops 2.  Then if he is all about the sex, you slap in a David Lynch movie and that will confuse the hell out of him and you won't ever have to worry about having grandkids.  Still if the kid is gung-ho for an over and under make him do a Google image search of Herpes.
  Me:  Shouldn't she provide some information and discuss it with him?
  Cocky: No, you learned about sex from a "hands on" approach and you...turned...out...fine.  Didn't your dad put a box of Penthouse Letters and Hustlers in your room when you were at an impressionable age?
  Me: And our next letter...
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I have a question about lube.  I suffer from feminine dryness so when my boyfriend and I make love we always have to use lube.  Sometimes brand loyalty becomes a bother when making love.  Are there any lubes you can recommend?
                                           Dry in Dodgeville
  Me: Well I understand what you mean when about monotony in the bedroom.  If you aren't about being discrete you could always go to your local Walgreen's and they have a variety of lubes amongst their contraceptives.  The only bad thing is that some Walgreen's have started keeping their lubes in locked cases so in order to purchase one must find a clerk and heaven forbid they need to call someone to assist you.  "MARGE to the lube counter!"  Your best bet is to try your nearest adult novelty store.  Recently I passed a billboard advertising The Beer Lube Proceed with caution.
  Cocky:You seriously are going to take lube advice from the Godfather?  The only "lube" he uses involves aloe and has a squeeze pump and says, "for dry hands".  Go out and get one of those heating lubes...MUY CALIENTE!  You want to use a small amount otherwise the friction and the heating, lets just I had some fried chicken in front of me the last time I used that kind.
  

  When will the Braves win another World Series?
                                      Anxious in Atlanta
  Me: Well, despite the hot start, I think the Braves will not make the post-season in the next few seasons.  Sorry to be upsetting.
  Cocky: OK, bitch-tits is such a naysayer.  The Braves will win the World Series as soon as I finish the voodoo dolls for every team in Major League Baseball

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  About three years ago, my husband and I bought an above ground pool for the kids.  They love it and I have to admit it is a blessing on those summer days when the temperature gets above 80.  The problem is my husband.  If he isn't in the pool swimming, he is cleaning it or tinkering with the filters.  I can't spend all my time with him out by the pool because by the end of summer I'll look like a lobster!  What should I do?
                                                                            Barbara in Baraboo
  Me:  That is a tough question.  I would be upfront with him and tell him that he is spending too much time with the pool and not with his spouse.  You might want to get rid of the kids for the night and have a pool party of your own and talk things over.
  Cocky: Can you believe it?  Alex Rodriguez is complaining that Fox showed his girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn.  They even put it on the big screen and he told Fox not to do it again.  Christ, he should know that the camera's going to be on him at all times.  He's a bigger cock than I.
  Me: Cocky, Barbara asked us a question. 
  Cocky:  OK...pool...summer...husband...tinkering...lobster...here's what you do; you disassemble the filtration device and place each piece leading to your bedroom and then you are waiting in bed with the last piece and when your husband comes in dumbfounded as to why his wife is lying naked on the bed with a disassmebled pool filter, you say, "Hey, big boy, why don't you take out that stick and measure my ph balance."
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Is it normal that my friend wants to have sex with my guitar?
                                      Guitar Lover in Galesville
  Me: NO!  These questions are just getting worse and worse.  I think it’s time to close down the formspring.
  Cocky: NO!  Don’t close it.  I have a feeling this question could make us money.  We could become a new act like Weird Al but our songs would be dirty.  The song that comes to mind…”While My Guitar Gently Skeets”

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Does George Lucas stand behind episode one?
                                      Star Wars Lover in Star Prairie
  Me: I think over time episodes 1 through 3 have grown on me and I can fully appreciate them.  So like George Lucas, I totally stand behind them.
  Cocky: How fitting!  You and George Lucas are so fat that you both stand behind everything .
  Me: But that doesn't make sense.
  Cocky: Yes, it does, Tubby, you're fat.
  Me: Well, I stand corrected.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I was recently pulled over by the police and I had an open can of Foster’s in my hand.  What should I have said to get out of any fine?
                                      Pulled Over in Potosi
  Me: Well I can’t help you since I do not believe in drinking and driving.  You are putting your life at risk as well as the lives of every other motorist on the road and I forget about pedestrians and home owners.
  Cocky: Pussy.  If the cop asks you questions just say you contribute to DARE.  That got the godfather out of a few tickets.  If that doesn’t work you look in that cop’s face and say “My speech isn't slurred, I'm just speaking cursive."

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Was Bad Bad Leroy Brown REALLY the baddest man in the whole damn town? I mean, come on, the WHOLE town?
                                      Meanie in  Melrose
  Me: Well I think that because it was a song there is no Leroy Brown but for the sake of argument, yes, he was the meanest in the whole damn town.
  Cocky:  No, he wasn’t.  There was a rooster that I heard of down on the south side of Arcadia that survived the slaughterhouse numerous times. He killed numerous workers that tried to kill him.  One time they decided to fry him alive but all the oil didn’t phase him any and he jumped up and pecked out the eyes of all the factory workers.  Yeah, the dude was a badass.  I think his name was Hahn von Huhngeschlecht.  I saw him a few weeks ago.  He had on an old German army helmet and was wearing a monocle in the eye that he lost in a fight with Shaquille O’Neal.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  What are you up to today?
                                      Planner in Pecatonica
  Me: Well, about 6’2”…hahahaha…but seriously, I’m trying to stay warm and safe in this bitterly cold weather.
  Cocky:  Bullshit…he’s only up to three inches.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I'm ruined!  My boyfriend, well my exboyfriend, and I were intimate one time and he begged me to let him photograph me nude and performing certain acts on him.  Now a friend told me that he saw those pictures I took with my ex were on a website.  What should I do before I kill myself?
                                                                              Beth in Marion
  Me: Now, killing yourself isn't the answer.  First, contact the website and ask them to take down the photos saying that they were placed there without your permission.  If they do not respond, inform them that you are under the age of 18, that should get them moving.
  Cocky:  Before you report the website you may want to send me the link so I can investigate the reputation of this website to make sure it is reputable and will listen to the email the God-mother advised you to send.  I would also urge you to send your photos to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com so I may keep them safe and out of the hands of websites and perverts.
  Me:  Cocky, that isn't what she should do.  She shouldn't be sending those pictures to anyone else.
  Cocky:  But I am trustworthy, you freak.  She said she performed certain activities and I want to know if I could date her because before going into a relationship it is nice to know if a girl knows how to handle a cock.
  

  Me: OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.
  
    And if you have any questions for Cocky and myself, you can send them to Formspring or email them to--
  Cocky: Me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
  Me: OR send me a message here at Xanga.
  Cocky:  Also if you have ever posed nude and want your photos kept safe make sure you email them to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
  Me: Cocky, you are such a dick.
  Cocky: Wrong!  I'm a cock.

  
  Rec or die!

  • 3:47 PM
  • 43 Comments