February 12, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 2/11

  Hey guess what...it's time.  I don't know about you but the highlight of my week was running into a high school classmate at a Walmart and talking to her and her young child and then having a clerk at Walmart say we had a cute child and that she had my chubby cheeks.  We just smiled.  Nope, the kid wasn't mine and from my limited knowledge of biology I know it can't be mine.  The lowlight of the week was walking into a bathroom at Best Buy and seeing two guys going at it.  My bladder was about ready to explode...thank you blood pressure meds...I walked in and said "shit" and walked out.  About 30 seconds later the giver ran out.  Not a word was said.  OK sorry to ruin the post already but I did.  Some images may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL
  
  It was reported this week that Victoria Beckham had an iphone personally designed for her.  It contained 24 carat gold and is valued at $35,000.  People are revolting in Egypt for their freedom and she's practicing her freedom by practicing extravagance.  I wonder how many homeless people that could feed.  Has anyone seen my copy of Little Red Book?
  
  Here's Taylor Momsen dressed up for the premiere of Justin Bieber's movie.  She's 17 which happens to be the perfect age for Mark Sanchez of the New York Jets.  So she was photographed lurking around an alley at the premiere.  Gee, I don't remember anyone dressing like that when I was 17.  Nor do I remember anyone lurking in alleys.  I wonder what she's doing.  Also I always had a saying about whether or not clothing was appropriate.  Would you want to see your grandma wearing it?  I wonder if Taylor follows that rule and I wonder if she'll dress like that when she's 70.
  
  It's tax season and Snooki is better than you.  Apparently she makes $15,000 to make appearances at night clubs.  What is the point of my college degree?  Why would a club spend that much for one night?  It's a horrible return on money.  Charlie Sheen could get three times the amount of skanks for that amount of money.
  
  Shia LaBeouf get in a fight at a bar Saturday morning.  Another person at the bar called him a fucking faggot.  Shia took exception and said that he would kick this man's ass.  Shia then lunged and hit the guy in the lip and split it open.  Just as Shia hit the guy, the police were driving by and saw the fight.  They were both taken into custody and neither decided to press charges.  The dude probably didn't press charges because he didn't want people to know he's a homophobe and Shia didn't press because he didn't want people knowing he's a drunk.  It's sort of why I don't press charges when I wake up in a strange bed and there's a Mariachi band sleeping on the floor.  It's to be expected and will just happen next week.
  
  Rihanna is trying to reduce her restraining order against Chris Brown so she can reunite with him.  Oh it's so nice to see people patch up their differences and embrace their love but what will it take for Rihanna to learn, being put in traction?  Getting close to Chris Brown is like toying with a dog on a leash.  It could snap at any second. 
  
  Nick Nolte turned 70 this week.  This is most definitely an old photo.  Nick tends to look more homeless these days.  In fact just a few months ago his house burned down and the damage was estimated at $4million.  Wow, losing a house to fire instead of foreclosure...that's so retro.  I can't do it here, but I used to be able to do a pretty good Nick Nolte impression.  It was basically his move he makes in every move where he shakes his hands and head and say, "aaahhh oooohh jeez!"  Yeah, not to hard to pull off, I think anyone could do that after seeing a Nolte film, best choice for a lot of practice would be Blue Chips.  So Nick celebrated his birthday by buying a new cardboard box.
  
  Miley Cyrus posed for Marie Claire this week and showed off a lot of chest.  So is that magazine a classy porno?  I can't wait for her to turn 18 because things will get wild.
  
  My reaction was the same as Liza Minnelli's when I saw that dancer.  It sort of looks like Liza is about to start a staring contest with those nipples.  If I was in a staring contest with nipples, I would win.  In fact, I'm undefeated.
  
  Lindsay Lohan appeared in court for her charges of felony theft.  You know you aren't dressed properly for court when the first thing I think is, "I wonder if she's wearing panties."  Lindsay got off lightly.  She had to post a $40,000 bail and appear in court at 8:30AM on February 23rd.  Damn, I hope she can get off from her hectic schedule.  The best part of all this is what the judge said: "You're in a different situation now that a felony has been filed against you.  If you violate the law, I will remand you and set no bail and your attorney won't be successful this time. ... You need to follow the laws just like everybody else. ... You're no different than anyone else, so please don't push your luck."  But she wasn't able to breathe a sigh of relief because that dress was way too tight.  Basically if she does anything wrong between now and the trial, she gets tossed in jail.  Also the district attorney asked that Lindsay's people stop contacting the jewelery store where she allegedly stole this necklace.  Someone has been sending the store flowers with apologetic notes.  Since when did they make "I'm sorry I stole from you" bouquets?
  
  Here's a first look at Leonardo DiCaprio as J. Edgar Hoover in the movie J. Edgar.  He looks pretty dapper here but the biggest question is how will he look in a dress.
  
  Well that was quick.  American's favorite seething ball of hate, Keith Olbermann landed a new job.  He is officially the Chief News Officer of Current TV and will have a nightly primetime commentary show.  I like how they just hand out official sounding titles that are meaningless.  If he can do it then so can I.  I am Xanga's Chief of Celebrity Occurrences and Cat Photos.  Now, pay me.
  
  Katy Perry recently said that her boobs have been a burden and that when she was younger she wore a minimizer.  She claims that now they come in handy.  Like her breasts have been a hindrance and slowed her career.  I wonder where she'd be if instead of her 32Ds she had Kate Moss's 32As.  She'd be flat...on her face.
  
  Justin Bieber took time out of his superstar career to be in a Super Bowl commercial.  At first I thought they were advertising new episodes of To Catch a Predator.  Gawd...that guy is creepy and you know that's what he'll look like in 25 years once all his money is gone.  I also got thinking that maybe Justin is trying to transition into acting and he's begging producers to bring back the Cavemen TV show.
  
  A waiter told an interesting story to the National Enquirer this week.  He said that he was waiting on John Travolta and his wife, Kelly Preston.  During the meal, he asked them how their food was and Travolta casually asked for the waiter's phone number...IN FRONT OF KELLY!  The waiter claims that she said nothing and made no expression but kept on eating.  See, Travolta and Preston are great actors and should be honored with lifetime achievement awards for acting like they are a happy couple.
  
  People are claiming that Eric Johnson, Jessica Simpson's boyfriend, has said that he will not marry her if she doesn't lose weight.  He's a former athlete and a vegan and Jessica is a brain-dead zombie who won't eat items that aren't friend and who is partial owner of a beer company.  That being said, Eric Johnson is full of shit.  People say she's near 150lbs.  Jessica can come over to me if he considers that fat because I need a larger lady who can handle my girth.
  
  Jenny McCarthy was posing on the beach this week.  I don't know which is more fake: her tan, her boobs, or her views that vaccines are causing autism leading more and more children to die needless deaths because she has made parents fear getting their children vaccinated. 
  
  Heidi Montag has a cameo appearance in Jennifer Aniston's new movie, Just Go with It.  Heidi claims that Jennifer banned her from the premiere.  Oh and Dan Patrick and his lackeys from the DP Show were there...LOL.  Heidi claimed that Jennifer did it so that Heidi wouldn't steal the spotlight.  She was also upset that Jennifer would ban her since Heidi is now trying to make a name for herself as an actress.  The only way she could make a name for herself is to star in a sextape where she takes all comers.  Jennifer Aniston denied Heidi's claims. 
  
  And just before I posted this, Heidi recanted and said she knew if Jennifer banned her it wasn't true.  She also said she got an invite but couldn't go to New York because she was "working" and staying with her dogs (actual animals and no slang for friends) in L.A.  So she had no intentions of going and she blamed Jennifer Aniston for not inviting her?  I think all the silicon has settled in her brain and is making her say and do weird shit. 
  
  Sweet Lord I can't stand Gwyneth Paltrow.  First off, this week she got a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.  What has she done?  Off the top of my head I can only think of 2 maybe 3 movies and in one she gets her head chopped off and in the other she plays a bitch.  It was also announced that she would be performing a song with CeeLo at the Grammy's and they would be singing with the Muppets.  How fitting for Gwyneth to perform with the Muppets!  They both can't control what they say and have sticks up their asses.
  
  You're probably asking, "Who is this?"  Well this is D'Arcy Wretzky.  She was the former bass player of The Smashing Pumpkins.  She landed in jail for the strangest reason...she couldn't hold her horses.  In 2009, her horses got loose and ran wild through a Michigan town.  D'Arcy refused to pay a fine and skipped the court date so a warrant was issued for her arrest.  I thought sure this was a drunk driving arrest but nope she was sober.  The times they haven't been good for D'Arcy.  But she does have things going for her that Bill Corgan doesn't have and that is hair and eyebrows.  In other news, Lindsay Lohan has a new excuse as to why she can't appear in court...her horses are loose.
  
  Burt Reynolds turned 75 today.  He celebrated by driving around in a fast car, eating his free meal at Denny's while drinking a gin and tonic, and then spreading icing over a case of Natty's Ice.  He also has taken to craigslist looking for a woman to help blow out his candle.  Oh wait...that's how I celebrate my birthday.
  
  CONTROVERSY!  Models are upset that Brooklyn Decker will be the covergirl for the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.  They are upset that she has already made a name for herself with her acting and think she doesn't need any more exposure since the cover makes you a household name.  Honestly I can't remember the names of S.I. swimsuit girls because I don't think I ever looked at their names.  So all these models are fighting with their claws out and my pants are off.  One source says Brooklyn is perfect for the cover because she has an All-American look, gives great interviews, and she's married to a great sportsman.  That is just code for "she's blonde and has big tits".  Sort of like how the pick the women who work on FOX News.  The people who pick the covergirl have it all wrong.  Most guys don't care if a girl can give a great interview and who is a media darling.  We want boobs.
  
  OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!  How can we take FOX seriously when they report this?  She has about 22 years before she can run for president and then what office has she held?  I bet once she gets elected she'll drop the whole abstinence thing and turn into a female version of Bill Clinton.  Just think...this could be our future political bumper stickers...Bristol Palin/Snooki 2034...Yeah, Snooki's a Republican because she hated how Obama taxed tanning salons.
  
  Oh yeah Avril Lavigne is the epitome of punk rock.  Just look at her and she screams anti-establishment.  I really hate her music and how people claim she's so punk.   I hated those two years when she was popular and all the girls tried to dress like her and wore too much eyeliner and the button up shirts with ties.  Ridiculous.  I also hated how kids thought that she was edgy and was a pioneer of punk rock.  And then I would sit in my office and listen to The Ramones and The Dead Kennedys and it would blow their minds but Avril was still punk and edgy.
  
  Ashlee Simpson filed for divorce from Pete Wentz this week.  Lately with the Hollywood set it's either divorce or popping out babies.  She probably saw him without his make-up and couldn't stand it so she bolted.  People are claiming that the split because Ashlee stayed home with their child Staten Island Baloo (shouldn't that be considered child abuse) while Pete is on the road making "music".  She is so cold hearted, wanting to stay at home and take care of their child.  What a monster!  People also claim that Pete is inconsolable and is constantly weeping.  I hope he applies no run mascara.
  
  Alex Rodriguez was shown being fed popcorn by Cameron Diaz at the Super Bowl.  I remember when FOX showed that.  I started fuming and screaming that they should show something useful like the Packers beating the Steelers.  A-Rod got pissed off that this was shown on FOX and on the big screen.  He should know by now that he's going to have cameras following him.  I really hate that guy.  What a pussy!
  
  Speaking of A-Rod, here's he's showing his chest to get beads at Mardi Gras but he didn't know that this week isn't Mardi Gras.  He sure has let himself go.  I remember a time long ago when my abs were that week.  It had to have been when I was 11.  What a pussy!
  
  Alanis Morrissette debuted her new child with boyfriend Souleye this week.  Their son is named Ever Imre. That sort of sounds like a scent of air deodorizer.  Oh well, they all look happy.
  
  This is Jenn Sterger.  She was "ambushed" by paprazzi and ended up posing for photos during Super Bowl weekend.  I guess anything to keep her name in the news since all she is famous for is seeing Brett Favre's penis.  Hey, did you know her last name "Sterger" spelled backwards is "regrets"?
  
  And speaking of Brett Favre, a rumor spread today that he was on a list to be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.  One of Brett's daughters said that the rumor wasn't true and and that he has no intentions of being on the show.  Yeah, he needs to get ready for next season and prepare for how he can con an NFL team to take a chance on him.  I think the Bills would be a decent fit.  Not like they have anything to lose.  Anyway, I doubt Favre will be on Dancing with the Stars.  He'd have to look at his dance partner in the eye and wouldn't be able to text her while they are dancing to say she's doing a good job.  Also the second he'd have a bad dance, he'd demand to be traded to So You Think You Can Dance or one of the other countless dance shows on TV.

  Video Section
  Betty White met Koko the gorilla.  Man, that Betty White is everywhere.  I think she's trying to talk Koko into doing a buddy cop movie.  There's no sound so maybe you could listen to something by Sarah McLachlan or the Night Court theme song in the background.
  
  And if you missed it, here's Christina Aguilera butchering the national anthem.  Francis Scott Key rose from the grave and hijacked a car to drive to Dallas to kick her ass.  I seriously hate when these "artists" offer their "spin" on the anthem.  Just sing it and don't fucking vocalize that shit so it sounds like you are strangling Chewbaca with a phone cord.
  
  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 1:12 PM
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