February 14, 2011

  • Girl...Relax

    (This is a re-post.  I wanted to share it again because it's nearing Valentine's Day and I am trying to get in the mood to write more.  Enjoy!)

    Girl, I know you said this time of year is bad for you and you are stressing about all the increasing work that you have to do, but, girl, I have one word for you.

    Relax.

    That's right.  You have to relax otherwise you will cause harm to your hot, little body.  Stress can lead to hair loss and stomach ulcers.  Girl, you don't want that.  So what am I going to do?  I'm going to rock your world.

    I will pick you up at a designated time.  You will see an all white Hummer limo in front of your place of residence.  Then when I see the astonished look on your face, I will jump out of the back of the limo.  You will look at me and be shocked because I just bought a new suit at the Men's Warehouse because they stand behind every purchase and they guarantee it.  Girl, your chariot awaits.

    I will hold the door open for you.  You will be speechless upon entry.  Your eyes will bulge from your skull as you see the roses, champagne, cognac, and wide variety of juiceboxes.  I will pour you a glass of champagne and myself I will pop a straw into an Ectoplasm Cooler.  You will sip your champagne as we begin your trip to relaxation.

    The driver will stop outside the $3 store where everything costs $3, even the laser pointers.  I remember how much you admired my gold necklace that I was wearing the other day.  Girl, I have to come clean.  I bought it here at the $3 Store.  I will buy you anything your heart desires.  What?  You want a Louis Vuitton bag?  Well how about a $3 Store special, the Louis Vooton bag.  Damn, girl, I rented a limo just for you.

    The driver will take us to the finest restaurant in town.  You will dine on lobster as I enjoy the complimentary bread rolls and water.  The lobster will satisfy your appetite.  I lean over and whisper that dessert will be served later at my house.

    The driver takes us back to my house but before we leave I make you stuff all the champagne, cognac, and juiceboxes in your newly bought Lous Vooton imitation leather bag.  I open the door for you, girl.  We go to my living room and sit on the couch that I bought at Goodwill.  Do you want to play checkers, read poetry, or watch TV?  You opt for the TV.  Girl, for your relaxation I am going to let you operate the remote.  It is in your hand.  You choose what we watch be it The Antiques Roadshow or another needless reality program.  The choice is yours, girl.

    While you are settling in watching a program that I do not care for I get your dessert.  Fresh strawberries and chocolate.  I dip the strawberries in the chocolate and feed them to you.  Girl, do you know how difficult this is for me?  I hate strawberries but tonight is all about you. 

    After you have had your fill of strawberries and chocolate, you say that you are getting tired and could use a bath.  I lead you by the hand to the penthouse portion of my house or as what some people call the upstairs.  Girl, are you relaxed?  I draw a bath for you and light some candles that I bought at the local candle shop.  They smell like lilacs. 

    As you bathe, I am preparing my bedroom for the relaxation that is about to come.  You yell at me because I forgot to lay out a towel...or did I?  I give you one of my newly purchased towels just for your pleasure.  It was a Martha Stewart towel that I bought on clearance at K-Mart.  It is soft and dries you off.

    I lead you by the hand into my bedroom.  You see the rose pedals on my bed.  I beckon you to come to me.  I hit the cd player and we are listening to the smooth sound of Pantera but you don't like Pantera.  Well, girl, you pick the music.  You can pick whatever you want.  I have everything from ABBA to ZZ Top.  Girl, you can even pick some classic music because I don't care if it makes you pretentious. 

    Marvin Gaye is coming from the speakers.  I take back the bedspread to reveal a new set of red silk sheets that I purchased at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  They are the finest of 500 thread count sheets.  I spent painstaking time to count each thread just for you.  The sheets are smooth just like your skin.  As Marvin Gaye sing, "Let's Get it On" I lean in and rock your world.

    We do not need to look to the sky for the fireworks that are displayed across the night sky because we are making our own fireworks and if you want later we can go outside to my garage and I will show you my firework collection.  Before you came I stopped at the Firework Depot where everything is buy one get one free.  I am prepared for the Fourth of July.

    The strenuous activities make us sleep in.  I wake up while you lay on the smooth silk sheets.  I prepare you a brunch consisting of a variety of fruit, freshly squeezed orange juice, pancakes(some embedded with blueberries and others embedded with chocolate chips), and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  We feast.  You ask why did I make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  Why, girl, it's the cheesiest!

    Well, girl, I hope you found some relaxation.  If not we can repeat this all over again but without the lobster and the limo.  We are in an economic crisis after all.  No money or product can replace you.  Girl, you are my most cherished possession.

    Damn!

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