February 16, 2011

• Motivation

  If men are from Mars and women from Venus, then a Martian man’s head is still ruled by his penis.  You know what would be cool, having a 12 inch penis.  I’d be 6 times the man I am now and if you can, don’t do the math.  I’m hoping with the deplorable condition of our public school system that no one will get that.  Why do guys spend more on Valentine’s Day than women?  Women have vaginas.  I don’t care what she says, Taco Bell is romantic.  Nothing says “I love you” like a little blue box from Tiffany’s but if you’re realistic like me then you’ll look up in the sky and tell her you named a star after her and that don’t cost a thing or you could cut out a photo of something nice and slap it inside a greeting card and tell her it’s on backorder.  Also if you are on a fixed income and want to use those Fire and Ice condoms just get regular condoms and use Icy Hot as lube.  If you put up curtains in your van than everyone pretty much knows you’re a child molester.  Every time I hear a girl say she just got a facial, I crack up.  If a girl says she enjoys parodies, tell her to pretend that her mouth is your hand.  When couples fight they have to look on the bright side, without that argument then they couldn’t have make-up sex.  Girls, if I ever send you junk mail please send it to your inbox.  I’m an aspiring magician and I need a female assistant to help me with the “disappearing penis” trick.  I only tend to stick with missionary because I can’t commit to a sex change.  The best way to get a smoking hot girlfriend is to set your current girlfriend on fire.  I can’t believe Valentine’s Day makes it possible for a guy with a single rose bought at a gas station can get laid.  I find it funny how as it got closer to Valentine’s Day all the single guys were scrambling to find dates and all the guys in relationships were looking to get out of them. And it’s also funny how married people exchange gifts hoping to have sex while single people exchange fluids while hoping not to be lonely.  When I was a kid, I always stuff things into girls’ Valentine’s boxes but as an adult I find it difficult to get a girl to allow me to give her a Valentine…and you thought I was going to be dirty and say, “I find it hard to shove my Valentine’s gift into a girl’s box.”  You’re a pervert!  The best way to get sex is to act like you don’t want it or at least that is what I’ve been telling myself all these years.  Masturbating on a bed covered with rose petals is not the same.

  The best way to keep promises is to never make any.

  You know when Tom Cruise flips out his handlers have to punch him in the back of the head to put him in Cruise Control.

  I bought an old bowling trophy at a garage sale this past weekend.  I plan on telling people that I won a Grammy for “Best New Vuvuzela Artist”.

  Did you know Burt Reynolds invented Reynolds’ Wrap?  He intended it to be a new type of condom.

  Why is that for 364 days a year I call myself single and then the other day I say I’m lonely?

  When someone tells me that we should agree to disagree, I usually shake them with one hand and punch them with the other.

  I had some parents tell me they won’t let their kids say “shut up” or “stupid”.  I guess their kids will never get to play with my children because Shut Up and Stupid need play-dates.

  People who sell marijuana have bake sales.

  I’m not allowed to have children because I haven’t mastered wiping.

  You know when you log into Xanga, there’s that thing that slides down from Firefox that wants to remember your password and it says, “Remember Me”.  Is it wrong that I start singing, “Don’t you forget about me” every single time?

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  

  Patton Oswalt had a list of 22 people you should follow on twitter.  I didn’t make the list.  That sucks because I was going to tell everyone that they should go out and see Patton’s movie “Big Fan” because it is a great film and probably his best acting role to date but that isn’t saying much since he was on King of Queens.  But I won’t tell people they should go out and see “Big Fan”.

  Have you ever thought that Facebook may be society’s suicide note?
  

  There’s no more Guitar Hero?  Does this mean that people will have to play an actual guitar to get girls?
  

  I am now accepting jobs as a motivational speaker at elementary schools.

  I bet Hugh Hefner got laid yesterday…gawd…I am so alone.
  

  If you recommend this, I’ll let you be president of Egypt or governor of Wisconsin…I promise.

  • 12:36 PM
  • 43 Comments